Fall Back Again
by avioleta
Summary: Bella and Edward have been friends since diapers. Will a one-night stand alter their relationship entirely? Will Edward get over his promiscuous tendencies and realize his feelings for Bella? AH, OCC, BxE. Love, lust, angst, smut, and lots of Lemons.
1. The Beginning

**Disclaimer: I don't own _Twilight _or the lovely characters. The words are mine. Rated M for adult content, strong language, and sexual situations and references. **

**a/n: And now for something completely different. Give Edward a chance; you just might like him.**

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So here's the deal. I am completely, irrevocably, and entirely in love with Edward Cullen. Always have been, always will be. And, it's verging on pathetic, but I'm totally okay with that.

We grew up three blocks down the street from one another right here in Forks, Washington. I'm a year younger. Edward's sister Alice and I are the same age. And, as far back as I can remember, we were thrown together for play dates and what not.

Alice and I have always been close – friends by virtue of our mothers' design. Now, she's probably my best friend, and I can't imagine my life without her. But Edward and I, well, that's something different entirely.

On my first day of mother's day out – Edward was a one-year veteran by then – I was crying uncontrollably. I'm an only child you know. Not good when left alone. That's okay, you can say it: spoiled senseless. I never stayed with a babysitter either. But that's another story altogether.

So back to mother's day out. I was under the slide at recess, crying just like I said. Alice was nowhere to be found. I discovered later that she'd peed herself during naptime and was getting cleaned up by the teacher, but I _so _didn't tell you that.

Edward found me and rubbed a chubby finger along my cheek, catching the tears. Of course, that only made me scream louder. But then he proceeded to take a handful of grass into his little fist and shove it into his mouth, smiling wickedly. Edward Cullen ate grass for me. And how can you cry when you're snorting and laughing uncontrollably because this silly, amazing boy has just ingested a fistful of playground grass on your behalf.

Well, I couldn't. And we've been friends ever since.

The years went by and I was always just as close to Edward as I was to Alice. And they would fight about who got to have me over because we couldn't play together of course. So some weekends I'd spend Friday night at the Cullens with Alice and then Saturday night with Edward. We learned to share. And it was perfect; I had two best friends. But then I fell in love with one of them.

I could never let him know, of course, because it would undoubtedly destroy our dynamic. And I really liked our dynamic.

We had this satisfying brother/sister relationship that morphed into this brother, but now I secretly love you, but I'll settle for being your sister relationship. Because, let's face it, you take what you can get. And our friendship was a hell of a lot better than nothing.

And we were virtually inseparable, Edward, Alice, and I, clear through grade school, junior high, and right on into high school. We had our own little group. Sometimes Emmett would join us, when he was in between friends or phases or whatever. Oh, did I mention that my Edward has a completely delectable fraternal twin? Well, yes, he does.

But my life centers on Edward. And we shared everything, confided in one another, brother and sister, best friends, just like I said. And I heard it all.

Edward Cullen is amazingly attractive, drop-dead gorgeous, perfectly sculpted, deliciously formed. Need I go on? And _every _girl wants him. Literally – _every girl_. He can take his pick. And believe me, he does.

And I get to hear about all his exploits in sickeningly full detail after the experience. And I love every minute of it. It's kind of like watching a train wreck I think. You know you should look away; it's not good for your sanity or wellbeing, but you just can't get enough. You're drawn to all the gory, delicious details, and you just keep craving more.

It's unhealthy, I know.

But I like living vicariously through the experiences of all those other insanely lucky girls. And part of me can't help but think, too, that his willingness to share those most intimate details with me had to count for something, right? I mean you don't talk about your sex life – your maddeningly active sex life I might add – with just anybody. So I maintain that there is something significant about his choice to so thoroughly confide in me.

I always insert myself into the scenario of course. I've spent hours, days, _weeks_, imagining myself with Edward in every possible way. The details he's provided about his varied experiences only add supplementary realism to my fantasies.

And there I was; it was a day just like any other. I was sitting in English, it was the first grading period of my senior year, and I was thinking of Edward. Frankly, it was a little difficult to maintain my concentration with Mrs. Davids droning on and on about the division between Puritanism and Romanticism in Hawthorne's _The Scarlet Letter_, but I managed.

But then Jessica Stanley turned around and dropped a note on my desk. We're friends, but _not_. Neither one of us likes the other very much, but we're both what you could call popular, and we end up at all the same social functions. So we're friends out of convenience. We're cordial, and gossipy, and catty, and sometimes, after a drink or three, we're even sickeningly sweet to one another. Everything a fake high school friendship should be.

I opened the note. _Parents out of town this weekend. Party at my place. You in? xoxo_.

She glanced back at me and I nodded. Sure. Why not? But the idea of a party at Jessica's brought up memories that began to turn my stomach. And looking at her flowery scrawl – she dots her "_i's" _with hearts for God's sake! – only heightened my revulsion. I crumpled the note in my hand, but it was too late. The flashback started.

It was spring semester our sophomore year; Edward was a junior. And Jessica threw a party. We went together: Edward, Emmett, Alice, and I. And that night Edward added Jessica Stanley to his ever-growing list of sexual triumphs.

I heard all about it, per usual. I went home with him after the party after all. I spent the night curled up on his sofa, listening as he recapitulated the experience in vividly revolting, sinfully delicious detail. Like watching a train wreck, remember?

I'd seen them making out in the kitchen by the keg earlier that evening. He had her pinned against the wall and his hands were all over her. It was vomit inducing. But, of course, I watched as he pretty much humped her shamelessly against the wall in plain view of all the other party goers.

And then they disappeared. Edward told me later that she'd led him to the downstairs guest bath. Couldn't even make it upstairs to her bedroom? I'd teased. No. Evidently not. And he'd fucked her right there on the bathroom counter-top. She was loud. Edward liked that, and I filed the information away for personal use, should the time ever come that it might prove useful.

And I listened, completely enthralled, as he recounted the story. And then I fell asleep on his couch, imagining myself on the edge of the bathroom counter, legs wrapped securely around Edward Cullen's waist, as he fucked me senseless. Pathetic. I know.

And there, seated in English doing my best not to pay attention, I let my thoughts drift to the countless other Edward sex stories that I keep catalogued away for just such a daydreaming occasion.

Yes. It's a masochistic tendency. But I can't help myself.

He had sex with Jessica again last year. In the back seat of his car in the parking lot at school no less. And after hearing all about – from both Edward and Jessica this time around – I again wished futilely that it had been me.

Then there was Lauren Mallory – another back seat lay. _Damn,_ that Volvo has seen some action.

And Tanya Denali, the freakin Russian exchange student that graced the halls of Forks High School with her bleach-blonde presence for a mere three weeks last spring. But that was more than enough time for Edward man-whore Cullen.

And Kate Anderson. Her family had hosted Tanya. And I'm still not quite sure how Edward managed _that_, but he did, and I savored every mouth-watering detail.

And then there was Rosalie Hale, perhaps the most bizarre of all of Edward's sexual choices. And not because she isn't insanely gorgeous – she is. Rosalie Hale is supermodel-esque. She's 5'10", 115 pounds of pure blonde, wet dream-inducing, totally enviable good looks. But she's pretty much an unfeeling bitch; she definitely has the ice-princess routine down. Or maybe I'm just jealous. I admit that's totally a possibility.

But Edward had gone over to hang out with her brother Jasper and ended up banging Rosalie in her frilly canopy bed.

I listened in disbelief as he filled me in. "Wait, let me get this straight. You fucked _Rosalie Hale_?" He'd only smiled devilishly in response. "But why?" I continued. In retrospect, it was a pretty stupid question, and he'd chuckled, shaking his head.

"Bella, Bella... Are you really asking me why I might possibly want to have sex with Rosalie?"

I said nothing; I just sat there on his couch with my mouth hanging open.

"Seriously," he continued. "Consider it this way…think of the hottest, most attractive guy you can imagine…"

Okay. Done. He's sitting right next to me.

"And tell me that you wouldn't have sex with him, no questions asked, should the opportunity present itself."

Yes. Okay Edward. I would. In an instant. Are you offering?

So maybe it wasn't so odd that Edward did Rosalie. I mean, they're both inhumanly beautiful. Hell, I guess I'd probably do Rosalie too if my, um, preferences were different. And you already know my feelings about Edward.

But what was so weird about the Edward/Rosalie situation was that, like two minutes after it was over, Emmett and Rose were an item.

Edward didn't seem to mind. And Emmett couldn't have cared less that his girlfriend had slept with his twin brother. For some reason, I think that would bother me. But I don't have siblings, so who am I to say? And, judging from the way Alice is currently lusting after Jasper, the Cullen/Hale interrelations could get a lot more interesting. But don't let me get sidetracked.

So I was sitting there, absentmindedly jotting down notes about Hawthorne's obsession with guilt and his focus on sin. And, all the while, I was scrolling through the list of all the girls lucky enough to sleep with Edward Cullen.

Jessica Stanley, Lauren Mallory, Jessica Stanley, Tanya Denali, Kate Anderson, Tanya again, Rosalie Hale… And those are only the ones I know about. Who knows how many more he's added this year while he's been away at school. I shudder to think. Oh! And did I mention Bella Swan? Yes. That's right. Add me to the list of his insanely willing, incredibly enthusiastic, exceptionally pleased conquests.

It happened a month ago. Summer was winding down, and just days later Edward would pack up and leave for college, much to my perpetual chagrin.

The evening had started off like any other Friday night. Alice, Edward, and I had gotten dinner at the diner, cheeseburgers and fries, like always. And then we returned to the Cullens' to begin our typical weekend of debauchery. Neither of us had expected it to happen, but I can't complain.

Alice had left us alone, retiring to her room to talk on the phone. She'd devised a plan to lure Jasper over the next afternoon with the promise of a pool party. And she'd wanted to work out the details and confirm her guest list. But it wasn't odd that I'd spent the night in his room. I'd slept there hundreds of time.

Of course, Alice would never have left me there alone if she'd known what would happen. Her best friend fucking her brother was probably pretty high on her list of things that she'd rather not have to deal with. Alice knew that'd I'd crushed on Edward on and off over the years, but she had no idea the extent of my infatuation.

Later, while I was lying naked underneath Edward, my legs wrapped tightly around his slim waist as he thrust into me like I'd always envisioned, I heard Alice running water in the bathroom, and I couldn't help but wonder what she'd think if she only knew…

Of course, in hindsight, the gentle, rhythmic thumping of the headboard against the wall and the noise of our obscenely loud breathing probably clued her in, but that hadn't occurred to me at the time.

I'd tried to stifle the rather embarrassing sounds escaping from my lips by turning my head and burying my face in one of his pillows. But he'd pulled it away.

"Bella, I want to _hear _you."

Just remembering those words sent shivers down my spine, and I was suddenly very wet. I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. Shit. Not now. It was already pretty fucking difficult to listen to what Mrs. Davids was saying.

But the sound of Edward's voice, all low and raspy, and so damn sexy... And his breath, warm against my ear, smelling sinfully lovely of cigarettes and peppermint... He'd almost made me cum right then.

And I totally considered texting him that very moment. _My panties are sopping wet just thinking about you in English… _But I'm a fucking wuss, and I'd obviously never _actually _do that. But I could…

I closed my eyes though, and my stomach tightened expectantly at the thoughts of Edward on top of me, breathing and whispering and panting into my neck. Focus Bella. Focus. It was so not the time. I can daydream indefinitely about the other girls Edward's been with. But when it comes to recalling my own experiences? Well, I practically cease functioning.

But my mind continued to wander, and I couldn't help but wonder what he was doing right then. It was only 8:30. He was probably still asleep. And that thought sent another flood of deliciously erotic images rushing through my severely Edward-obsessed brain.

And I was thinking of Edward, shirtless in just his boxers. God. I could see the perfect musculature of his marvelous body. The marble contours of his chest rippling down to the flat planes of his toned stomach and – I couldn't help myself – I let my imagination run down to that absolutely mouth-watering V beneath his waist between his slender hips. And that image just pulled, no forced my mental gaze lower – like I said, I can't help myself.

And I could visualize that delectable bulge where his erection strained against his boxers. He always wakes up rock fucking hard. Hey, I meant it when I told you that he told me everything…

I remember the first morning I'd noticed. I was curled up in my signature position at the end of his plush leather sofa. Edward was still asleep, and I lay there watching him. I can stare at Edward for hours… But then he'd rolled over and his covers fell to the floor. And I could see his glorious hard on pressed tight against his sweatpants. Damn. So hot.

He'd caught me looking, of course. And I'd blushed fuchsia and averted my eyes. But he just laughed and smiled crookedly. "I can't fucking help it you know…"

And I'd let my eyes wander back, trying to be discreet as possible, but he wasn't making any effort to cover himself up. And when he saw me looking, he'd bucked his hips twice playfully, and my cheeks flushed an even deeper shade of crimson.

"Damn Edward," I'd muttered. "What are you trying to do to me?"

"Sorry love," he'd responded. "Don't want to spoil your breakfast."

Yea. He completely misunderstood my comment. And I lay there, dripping a puddle in my undies, trying my best to disguise my erratic breathing. _God_ what you do to me Edward Cullen…

By then, my thoughts were too far gone, so I just let my mind drift back to that morning when I woke up in Edward's bed, naked and entwined in his arms.

And I'd scooted myself back closer to his body, pressing myself against him and wriggling against his very prominent erection. And he'd sort of grunted, and I could feel his warm breath in my hair as he inhaled deeply.

He slid his hands down my sides and, grabbing my hips, he'd tugged me back against his hard on roughly, and I pushed myself against him. "Fuck Bella…"

The feeling of him pressed against me was so incredibly hot.

And I remember thinking _please Edward. Please. One more time… _But he wasn't going to let it happen.

"Bella," he hissed through clenched teeth. "We have to fucking stop. You need to leave."

And we both knew why. If I stayed there much longer, we wouldn't be able to resist. Of course, I wanted nothing more than for him to just give in and do it already. My entire body screamed, begged, pleaded, _please Edward just fuck me again. You know you want to, and it will feel so damn good. Just take me already…_

But of course, I've always been a wuss, and I said nothing. I just nodded and extricated myself from his arms.

I'd blushed and fumbled with my jeans, sheepishly trying to put my clothes back on. He'd watched me openly, and I could still see the desire in his jade colored eyes. But I just got dressed silently and let whatever opportunity I may have had slip by.

And I knew he didn't want to alter our dynamic entirely. As if _I _could ever go back to the way things were before… But I'd never let him know that. I'd take what I could get. And if it was just one night with him, well, that was something.

He'd rolled out of bed too, running a hand through his always so sexy, perfectly rumpled bronze hair. He'd smiled wickedly at me, flashing those perfectly straight, perfectly white teeth, and I'd practically melted right there. Damn. Did he know how insanely wet he could get me with one freaking look?

Hopefully not. And I intended to keep it that way. He'd pulled on a pair of dirty khakis and a tight, white t-shirt that perfectly accentuated his amazing, sexy, mouth-watering body… Stop Bella.

But like I said, I can't help myself. Thinking and dreaming and lusting and fantasizing about Edward is a full time job.

And then I saw him kick the condom wrapper under his bed, and that simple action made my stomach tighten with want, and suddenly my thighs, my legs, _fuck_, my entire body was tingling.

I desperately wanted to throw myself at him or, at least, ask him what he was thinking. But, of course, I said nothing.

And then we were dressed, and he gave me this awkward one-armed hug and kissed me gently on top of my head. It was a chaste, brotherly action, and I could feel our dynamic shifting back to how it'd always been – back to the way it probably should be.

Clearly, that night had been a serious breech in our social contract, but he wasn't about to let it turn into more. And I hated it. But as much as I hated it, I understood it. He was leaving, after all. Just days later, he and Emmett had loaded the Volvo and headed off to UW, where they'd both enrolled as freshmen.

And then I was sneaking, yes _sneaking _down the stairs and out the front door. And I actually did a pseudo walk of shame to my car, all self-conscious about my wrinkled clothes, and smudged makeup, and sex hair.

It was incredibly ridiculous, really. Part of me knew that then. And, looking back, my leaving that morning was just another dead giveaway that something had happened between Edward and me. After all, I was a relatively permanent fixture at the Cullen family's weekend breakfasts. I'd spent countless nights there over the years – whether in Alice's room or in my customary spot at the end of Edward's leather couch.

And I always stayed for breakfast.

So it was pretty stupid of me to leave that morning.

Hell, Alice knew damn well that I slept over. We'd all gone out to dinner together, and then she'd joined us for ice cream in her brother's room. She just called it a night early because she wanted to flirt with Jasper on the phone and because Edward and I were going to watch _Caddyshack_ – again. She fucking hated that movie.

Sub-consciously, I think that's why I'd selected it that night. I wanted Edward all to myself and knew that Alice wouldn't stick around for yet another showing of our all-time favorite film.

So, yea, I shouldn't have left that morning. My absence at breakfast had surely highlighted the fact that we'd obviously been up to something not so innocent once she'd left us alone…

She hadn't called me on it for a few days though. Not until after he was gone. She'd been watching us discreetly of course. I thought we'd done a pretty good job of acting natural but, then again, Alice knew us better than anyone, and she already had her suspicions.

I'd only seen him once more before he left for school.

I'd come over that last day. Helped him pack. Edward, Alice, Emmett, and I had worked steadily for a few hours. Folding clothes, packing boxes, cleaning out desks. We hadn't said much, but I didn't think that there was much out of the ordinary about our interaction. Perhaps it was a bit strained, a bit awkward maybe. But you could totally chalk that up to the fact that my best friend since day care was moving away.

But Alice saw right through us.

The Volvo had barely made it down the driveway when she confronted me. Carlisle was busy comforting Esme. It must be difficult, after all, to lose not one, but two sons all at once.

Alice stopped me. "How long?"

"Hmm?" I looked at her blankly.

"How long?" she repeated. "How long have you and Edward been sleeping together?"

"What? Alice, no. It isn't like that, we're not…"

"It's okay Bella. You don't have to hide it anymore. He's gone. And I know."

"I, um, well…" I fumbled with my words and blushed crimson. "How?"

She half laughed and rolled her eyes. "Bella, the other night? It's not like y'all were making much of an effort to be quiet or anything."

"Oh." Realization set in, and I felt my cheeks burn deeply. "Alice, I'm sorry, I, we…we didn't plan it. It was only that night."

"Uh huh. Yea. Sure."

She didn't believe me, of course. She wouldn't buy that it was only a one-night thing. But she got over it pretty damn quick. We're best friends after all. One fuck – one totally amazing, breath taking, earth shattering, to die for fuck I might add – won't change that. And we're Aokay. We've already made plans to visit Edward and Emmett at UW over fall break next month.

I can't fucking wait.

Edward was right to be worried. That night changed everything. But I'm okay with that. I don't want things to go back to the way they were. I'm too far gone. And, I'm totally, irrevocably, maddeningly in love with Edward Cullen.

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**a/n: So, what do you think? It's totally a guilty pleasure, I know. (As if my other story isn't such as well...)**

**Review please. It's like sex on the bathroom counter with Edward.**

**Love ya! Violet.**


	2. Can't Forget

**Disclaimer: I don't own _Twilight _or the lovely characters. The words are mine. Rated M for strong language and sexual content. **

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Edward called me. Exactly two weeks after he left. Exactly two weeks and two days since the, um, experience. Not like I'm keeping track or anything.

Naturally, I'd been obsessively stalking him via Facebook since the moment he left. And he did write on my wall every few days or so. Then I'd spend the rest of my afternoon fastidiously overanalyzing every last word.

The day after he left, he'd written _college is awesome. All the fountain soda you can drink…_

Hmm…awesome as in so much better than things at home were? Awesome as in I'd rather not ever come home again? Awesome as in I realize now how lame my old life in Forks used to be? Awesome as in I can fuck a different girl from my dorm every night and I never have to worry about being interrupted by Alice? Or just awesome because of the endless supply of Dr. Pepper?

And then there was _our dining hall is damn good. You can eat whatever you want whenever you want it. Today I had cheese sticks for breakfast. And yesterday I put chocolate chips from the waffle bar in my omelet._

Um. Gross. But then I spent the next hour wondering exactly _when _the whenever was that he wanted to eat. How late was he staying out. What was he doing? And who was he eating with. That was the hardest question to stomach. I mean, Edward and I always ate together. Until now.

At 2:42 a.m. Tuesday morning: _Called to see if your back / Was still aligned and your sheets / Were growing grass all on the corners of your bed…_

What did _that _mean. The easy answer was that he was singing along to _The Shins_. I mean, we'd spent countless hours singing along to that very song much to Alice's chagrin. But there had to be more to it, right? Uh huh. And then I spent all morning in class wondering what he was doing at 2:42. Yes. He was probably up listening to _The Shins_. But was he up listening to _The Shins_ _with _someone else? Was that someone else a girl? Then why would he be playing around on Facebook? Was he maybe just possibly thinking of me? But he didn't call, and he certainly wasn't anywhere near my bed. And I spent the remainder of my day with the song stuck in my head, imagining his voice…

_You told us of your new life there / You got someone comin' around / Gluing tinsel to your crown / He's got you talking pretty loud / You berate remember your ailing heart and your criminal eyes / You say you're still in love / If it's true what can be done / It's hard to leave all those moments behind..._

Even the simple _eating a bagel; missing you _that greeted me Thursday afternoon warranted obsessive attention and interpretation. I'd even consulted Alice on that one. Pathetic, I know.

She sighed dramatically. "Are you fucking kidding me Bella?"

Frankly, she was dealing with the whole sex with her brother thing remarkably well. She totally didn't believe me when I insisted for like the umpteenth time that it was only a one-time thing. And I failed to mention that I'd happily do it again and again and again if only given the chance. Or that I spent hours upon hours fantasizing about her brother ravishing me in a million different ways.

But she humored me for a little while. "Bella, Bella. He's texted me like once since he's been away. And he certainly hasn't been compulsively checking my facebook status like he clearly has been yours. He likes you. He misses you. End of story."

And then he called me.

It was Sunday evening, and I was in my room sprawled out on my bed reading Hawthorne's "Rappacini's Daughter" for class the next day. My phone buzzed and I groaned, reaching down beside the bed to dig blindly through my bag to retrieve it. I glanced at the caller ID, half expecting to see Renee or someone else I really didn't want to talk to. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother, but that doesn't mean I always want to talk to her.

My heart skipped a beat and my stomach did a freaking back flip when I saw the screen. _Edward Cullen _my phone announced proudly.

Suddenly I couldn't think, couldn't breath. My mouth was dry and my lips felt numb. _Shit. Shit. Shit. Get it together Bella_. I scolded myself. It was absurd that I should react that way, but my body was clearly acting of its own accord.

My fingers trembled as I flipped open my phone. "Hey…" Miraculously, I managed to verbalize my greeting without stuttering, stammering, gasping, or fainting.

It was strange. I'd been dying to talk to him since like the minute he left. Every inch of me missed him terribly. And I'd wanted to call him. I thought about it ten times a day. But for some unknown, surely ridiculous reason, I just couldn't go through with it. I'd click on his name and sit there staring at his number for minutes at a time, but I couldn't bring myself to hit _call_. And then he called me, and I was beyond terrified that I wouldn't know what to say.

"Bella? Hey, it's Edward."

_Of course it's Edward. _

"I know." _Caller ID remember?_

"I see. What are you up to?" His voice was like honey and velvet and sex.

_Loving you. Obsessing over you. Dreaming about you. Fantasizing about you naked on top of me…_

"Um, reading 'Rappacini's Daughter' on my bed." _Imagining you naked in my bed with me…_

"I remember that one. Rationalism verse Romanticism. The beauty of nature. Exploration of the unknown. Meditations on personal responsibility. The only antidote is death and all that jazz."

_God. You're gorgeous, sexy, lickably delicious, AND smart…and your voice… your voice that sounds like candy and music and sex. Did I mention the sex?_

"Hmm…mind repeating that so I can write it down? All I managed to get is that the dad turned his daughter into a freaky plant and then she dies."

He chuckled and his laugh was melodious. "Nope. You're on your own babe. I got my own school work to worry about."

"And I imagine you've been hard at work on that?"

Everything comes naturally for Edward. I've always done relatively well in school, but I have to work for it. Hard. Edward, on the other hand, is one of those sickeningly annoying kids who can go the whole year without ever bothering to bring home a book and still manages all A's with remarkable ease. He could do all his work _and _mine in half the time it would take me to complete just a fraction of my own. So lame. And yet another reason why I'm desperately in love with him.

"Absolutely," he responded.

Yea. Sure. My mind flipped through the various photos he'd posted since he'd been away. Party after party after party. Blonde after blonde after blonde. And it'd only been two weeks.

"So you're having fun?" I asked tentatively. Honestly, I wasn't sure I wanted to know.

"Yea. Em and I are doing all right. Classes are fine. Parties are good. Girls are hot." I could almost hear him smiling. That dazzling, crooked smile… sigh. "But what about you Bella? I mean, aside from the required reading? You okay? It's weird, you know…not being there…" He paused, considering his next words. "And I really fucking miss you."

My stomach knotted and I had to work to control my breathing. "I miss you too."

And we chatted for a few minutes about nothing in particular. I filled him in on the latest back-to-school gossip at good ole Forks High. And he told me about the redhead who totally wanted to suck his dick at a party the night before, until she threw up in a houseplant. Lovely.

"You sure know how to pick 'em Edward."

"Sometimes I do."

Um. Cue awkward silence.

After a few incredibly long seconds, he spoke again.

"So, um, are we…okay?"

"Yea Edward." Could he hear how loudly my heart was pounding in my chest?

"I mean, you're okay. Right Bella? You're not…upset…you know, no regrets and all."

_Are you fucking serious Edward!?_

"Of course not." I paused, my mouth felt like sandpaper. "You?"

"Nah. It was a good night."

_You could say that again…_

He continued, "I just, well, I just don't want things to be weird between us, you know? I need us to be okay. We've got such a good thing, love."

"Yea. I know." _And I love you I love you I love you… And I want things to change. I want more than our good thing…_

But I said nothing.

We talked for a minute or two more and that was it. He promised to call me again sometime soon and expressed customary satisfaction with Alice's and my plan to come visit over fall break. And then he was gone. Back to his new life there.

-------------------

I lay back on my bed staring at the ceiling. _Built to Spill _blared in my ears, as I attempted to drown out my thoughts. As usual, my mind was tuned to all Edward all of the time. And he'd called me. He missed me. He'd been thinking about me. But then he spoke those words confirming what I'd always known. Wanting things to stay the same. Of course.

But it still wasn't what I wanted to hear. Don't get me wrong. I haven't been deluding myself or anything. Take what you can get, remember? And I would never take that night back. But the certainty and finality of his words still hurt.

_Never forget / What I think is true / What I want to do / What I got from you…_

And once again the memories of that night began permeating the corners of my brain. I screwed my eyes shut tightly and tried to push them away, but it was useless. They were always there, just under the surface. And his voice just sent the images flooding to the forefront of my mind once more.

* * *

"_You sure you want to do this Bella?"_

On his couch, just like any other Friday. Alice had left us to our movie. I sat, knees pulled to my chest, on my end of the sofa. It was my turn with the ice cream. We had a system specifically designed to eliminate controversy. Ice cream can be a touchy subject you know. No more than five bites at a time then hand it over, relinquish control.

I swirled the spoon around in my mouth languidly, the carton of Carmel Sutra propped precariously on my knee. Edward hated it when I took my time.

I saw him watching me out of the corner of my eye. I licked the spoon slowly, thoroughly, before sliding it out of my mouth. His gaze was clearly fixated on the spoon and my tongue. I knew I was teasing him, but I assumed it was the ice cream he wanted.

He said nothing while I repeated the process once again, but his eyes never left my lips. And rather than reach out to accept the ice cream when I dutifully offered it to him again, he slid down the couch next to me.

It was an insignificant action, but it changed everything.

I could literally feel the electricity that crackled between us. Cliché I know, but so damn true. The air hummed, and my breath caught in my chest as he brought his hand to mine. He took the Carmel Sutra but did not move back to his customary side of the sofa. Instead, he stretched his arm across my body and deposited the ice cream on the side table, locking his eyes on mine.

He brought his hand up and brushed a strand of hair off my face. My skin tingled when his thumb grazed my cheek and I inhaled sharply, staring back into his eyes, those deep, sparkling, endless pools of liquid green… And there wasn't even time to register what was going on because he leaned in and pressed his lips to mine.

_Oh my fucking God_. _Edward Cullen is kissing me_.

These were not slow, hesitant kisses. He crushed his mouth to mine, sucking my lower lip into his mouth, forcing his top lip between mine. I moaned when his teeth grazed my skin, and he parted his lips against mine.

My spoon fell to the floor.

He darted his tongue out, trailing it along my lip, and I opened my mouth slightly, allowing him entrance. He plunged his tongue into my mouth and I slid mine against his. I'm sure I fucking whimpered as he pushed his tongue deeper, exploring every corner. _This isn't happening. This isn't happening…_

I reached up to tangle my fingers in his perfectly disheveled hair, pulling hard…probably too hard. But he groaned, and his eyes rolled back a little, and he pushed his lips to mine harder, capturing my lip again.

He moved his hand around my neck, cupping my cheek in his hand. He rubbed his thumb along my skin and forced his tongue in my mouth again, and his kisses made me hotter than any fucking fantasy ever could. _This can't be happening…_

But it was. And he moved his smooth lips against mine, and I felt like every single freakin nerve in my body was waking up for the first time, as he slid an arm down around my waist and pulled him roughly against him. And I moaned loudly into his mouth…I couldn't help it…but he panted against my lips, and I felt wetness pooling between my legs, and my lungs constricted and my stomach tightened and it was fucking heaven.

And he kept sucking and licking and sliding his tongue against mine. And I fisted my hand in his hair, pulling his face even closer to mine, as he continued to crush his lips to mine. And then he fucking _moaned. _And the sound was the sexiest sound that I've ever heard. _He wanted me_.

And I wanted him. I'd been dreaming, fantasizing about this moment for a long as I could remember. And he felt so sexy with his lips pressed to mine and his tongue in my mouth and my hand tangled in his hair and his arm wrapped tightly around my waist.

I moaned into his mouth again, but the sound only made him sigh and shift his body against mine, pushing me against the armrest of the couch.

He pulled me to him, sliding my hips down so I was lying on my back. And then he crawled on top of me, nudging my knees apart so he could position himself between them. He hovered over me, supporting himself on his palms and just stared down at me for something close to eternity. And I literally felt as though I could melt underneath him right there. My lips craved his mouth and my body ached for his touch, but I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think with him looking at me like that.

He was so close to me that I could feel the heat from his body and his warm, sweet breath on my skin.

He held my gaze with his and I swore I was dreaming… he's just too perfect. Tousled bronze hair, perfect nose, pink lips, malachite eyes, immaculate pale skin… and he was on top of me, staring intently, as if he were memorizing my every feature. I felt vulnerable under his scrutiny, but then he wet his lips and pressed his mouth back to mine, kissing me deeply.

He pulled away again after a moment, and I moaned in displeasure. He chuckled softly, but then I felt him drag his lip along my jawbone to my throat. And he began kissing his way down my neck to the hollow beneath my ear. I titled my head to give him better access, and I felt a fresh rush of heat and lust and want surge through my body as he nibbled, sucked, and licked my super-sensitive skin. _This can't be happening… _

"You are breathtaking and absolutely beautiful Isabella." He spoke slowly, his voice like liquid velvet. His breath tickled my ear and my stomach tightened involuntarily at his words. He laughed again when he heard my breath hitch. "I just can't help myself anymore…I've wanted you for so long"

_O…my…God…_

He lowered himself on to me slowly, pressing my body into the couch cushion. I could feel every line of his lean body on mine, and I gasped when he pushed his erection into my hips. _Holy shit. _

My legs tingled and I was so fucking wet. I knew he could feel the freaking heat just radiating from between my legs. But I didn't care. I wanted him to press himself closer and closer to my body, envelop me completely. I wanted the edges of us to dissolve until I melted into him. To feel his breath, taste his skin…

And my head spun, as I reveled in the unreality of the reality of it all.

I pulled him closer, tighter to me, never wanting to let go. Pushing my mouth to his, pulling his face to mine, sucking on his lips, sliding my tongue between them, moaning and panting and gasping into his mouth. _Edward, Edward, Edward._

And I think I must have said his name out loud. Fuck. That's embarrassing. But his eyes flashed darkly and I could clearly decipher the desire on his face, as he pushed his dick into my hips again. _So good…_

"Say it again Bella." And his voice was low and gritty and filled with want.

Of course I obeyed. "God Edward…_Mmmmmm..._"

"Tell me what you want." _You Edward. Always you. Right here…just like this._

But my mouth was dry and my head swum with the sweetness of his breath. I swallowed noisily and managed to gasp, "You."

He smiled crookedly and pushed his hard on roughly against me again. And I couldn't help myself. I lifted my legs up and wrapped them securely around his slim waist. Squeezing tightly, I raised my hips up and pressed my body impossibly closer to him, grinding my crotch against his and moaning as I felt _all _of him pressed so intimately against me.

And he began kissing down my jaw, sucking and teasing my skin with his tongue. And then I felt him skim my sides with his hands. I sucked in a breath, and my muscles tensed in anticipation as he slid his hands across my stomach to my waist.

He toyed with the hem of my shirt and shifted his weight on top of me so that I could feel his the hard bulge of his erection pressed against my entrance. I was dripping wet. My panties were positively soaked, and I was probably soaking through my jeans this very second. But he was clearly enjoying this as much as me, and it was difficult to be concerned about much of anything with his lips pressed to my throat and his hands sliding under my shirt.

I held my breath as he ran his hands over my stomach and up my ribcage. He paused when he got to the underside of my breasts. My breathing was embarrassingly erratic and my heart thudded loudly against my ribs. He dragged his tongue up my neck and along my jaw line. He gazed down at me again, locking his emerald eyes on my brown ones.

"Are you okay Bella? Just tell me if you want to stop." His face was so close to mine, I could touch his lips with mine if I leaned forward infinitesimally.

I nodded.

He leaned in, pressing his forehead against mine. We didn't really kiss; he just let his lips rest against mine, as he slid his hands over my bra, outlining my breasts. I moaned, loudly…too fucking loudly. I really couldn't help the sounds coming out of my mouth, but he just squeezed my tits in response and sighed against my lips.

I squirmed underneath him, pushing my hips against his in an attempt to increase the delightful friction between us. He groaned into my mouth and slid his thumbs across my breasts, smiling as my nipples hardened immediately under his touch.

I'm sure another obscenely loud noise escaped from my lips as he shoved his hands under my bra and pressed his palms into my tits. _Damn._

And I reached down and tugged at the bottom of his shirt. He slid his hands out from under my shirt and allowed my to pull his up and over his head. He pressed his body back to mine, and I ran my fingers along his back, enjoying the feel of his exquisite, muscular body beneath my fingertips.

Edward grabbed the hem of my shirt and tugged it up. I let him slide it up, over my breasts, and off my head. He dropped the garment irreverently on the floor and stared down at me again. He brought his hands back up to my breasts and pulled the lacy material of bra down under my tits, forcing them to jut out obscenely.

He moaned again, and I hissed through clenched teeth when he pinched my nipples, hard. He smirked as I wriggled underneath him, rocking my hips against the bulge of his dick again and again. Edward rolled my nipples between his thumb and forefingers, before bringing his head to my chest.

He trailed his warm tongue over my left breast before sucking my nipple into his mouth. I gasped and arched my back against him, forcing him to suck harder. He kept his hand on my neglected breast, squeezing and kneading and pressing his fingers into my skin.

I brought my hand down between our bodies and pressed my palm against his erection. He was huge and hard, and he grunted as I wrapped my fingers around him as best I could between the fabric of his jeans. His hips jerked, and he pushed himself against my hand.

"Fuck Bella…" The way he said my name was so freaking sexy, and I wanted him to feel good. _I _wanted to make him feel good, and I wanted to hear _my_ name tumble off his lips again and again and again.

He sucked on my nipple harder still, and, in response, I rubbed my hand against his dick harder, faster. He groaned and bucked his hips against me, pressing his hard cock into my palm.

And then he wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me up. I sat up against him, and he grasped my hand in his, standing up. I stood and he tugged my hand gently, pulling me over to his bed.

We lay down, side by side, and he curled his perfect body around mine. He unhooked my bra, and I slid the straps off my arms, allowing him to pull it off and throw it in the pile with our shirts. Then he slid his hands down to my waist and undid the button of my jeans. My breath hitched when I realized what he was doing, and he paused, looking at me questioningly.

I nodded and pressed my lips to his temple, encouraging his to unzip my pants and pull them off. I lifted my hips slightly off the bed, allowing him to slide them down my slender legs and over my ankles.

Edward discarded my jeans in the growing pile on the floor and turned back to me. He looked at me intensely, his gaze heavy with desire.

It occurred to me that I could be uncomfortable, self-conscious, or maybe even vaguely ashamed of what we were doing...of my giving myself so freely to him. But I already _was _Edward's, fully and completely.

He slid a hand along my side, tracing the bend of my hip, the curve of my waist. My skin was flushed; his touch raised goose bumps on my flesh that had nothing to do with cold.

Edward ran his fingers through my hair from the crown of my head down my back. He sighed softly as he twisted the strands into a thick coil at the nape of my neck, revealing my pale skin. He trailed kisses along my now-exposed skin on my neck, back, and shoulders. My spine tingled under his touch, and I felt a new rush of warm and wetness between my legs.

He was driving me crazy. I wrapped my arms around him tightly, clutching at his muscled back, trying to pull him closer to me. My stomach twisted and ached with want and my whole body was practically vibrating with anticipation.

He skimmed his fingers, feather-light, across my shoulders and began tracing delicate circles around my collarbone. While his fingers teased my skin, he planted hot, open-mouth kisses along my throat. _O…my…fucking…God._

At some point, I stopped caring about all the obscenely loud noises I was making. Part of me, deep down, realized that we needed to be quiet. Alice's bedroom was just down the hall. But Edward responded to my moans with breathless, husky moans of his own. And the sounds he made were low, and gravelly, and so damn sexy. It was all I could do to breathe, much less care, worry, or think about anything at all except for Edward. Edward's perfect body pressed so closely to mine, his lips, tongue, hands on my skin…

He slid one hand down between my breasts, across my ribcage and over my stomach, pausing to toy with the lacy top of my underwear. As he ran his thumb back and forth along the waistband, I remembered thinking _thank God for Alice and her insistence on matching bras and panties…but oh my God…if she only knew…_

But Edward slid his body down my side. He pressed his lips to my stomach, ran his tongue along the curve of my waist, over my hipbone…and all thoughts of Alice were pushed far away. _Please Edward please…more..._

He nudged my legs apart and rolled between them. My body thrummed with need and want and excitement and lust. I gasped and sucked in a sharp breath when he grabbed my hips, pulling me closer to him.

He started to run his hands up and down the inside of my thighs. I bit my lip and followed the lines his hands drew on my legs with my eyes. He was staring up at me over the length of my body. He eyes burned darkly with desire and longing. Desire and longing for me.

He slid one hand further up my thigh, moving dangerously close to the part my underwear covered. My legs tingled and my panties were sopping wet_. _

"Edward…" Shit. I moaned his name again and blushed a darker shade of fuchsia. _God Bella, keep your damn mouth shut already! _But I couldn't help it…never can. I couldn't believe how turned on I was. He wasn't even touching me yet! And. He. Was. Moving. So. Damn. Slow.

But he looked up at me again, his lips curving into that crooked, uneven smile causing my heart to skip a beat in excitement...not to mention the _other _things that smile could do to me. So. Incredibly. Hot.

I licked my lips and watched his eyes follow the movement of my tongue intently. My stomach tightened in anticipation.

Edward toyed with the elastic at the joint of my leg before brushing the wet fabric of my panties with his fingertips gently. I moaned loudly and bucked my hips slightly against him. My body craved, _needed _to feel the delicious friction and pressure of his hand on my skin.

"Please Edward…" No. I wasn't above begging at this point.

He chuckled and smiled wickedly up at me. He was so devilishly handsome. I held my breath waiting…

"Do you want me Bella." My eyes widened and my throat was suddenly very dry, but I nodded, keeping his gaze locked in mine.

He flicked his finger against my panties, rubbing my clit lightly through the soaked material. I writhed, I panted, I moaned. _O my God Edward. O my God…_ and he chuckled low in his throat. I looked back at him, pleadingly, desperately, and his he smiled crookedly up at me.

He then curved one slender finger through the elastic of my panties and pushed it through to the other side. I gasped when I felt his knuckle brush my hot skin. My stomach muscles clenched deliciously and shifted against his finger. W-O-W.

He actually shuddered his when his fingers grazed my slick skin.

"God Bella, you're so wet…"

He rubbed his knuckle back and forth across my center, while stroking the sensitive joint between my leg and my crotch with his thumb. I arched my back involuntarily and whimpered softly. _Damn._ He was so freaking good at this. I guess what they say is right…practice makes perfect… And he could practice on me all night.

Thankfully, the embarrassing sounds I was making only seemed to turn him on.

"God Bella, I love to _feel _you." His words were low and husky with want, and I bucked my hips against his hand again. Waiting…

He slid his fingers over my wet folds faster now, searching for my entrance. And, finally, just when I thought I might actually combust from want, he plunged two fingers deep inside me.

And he moved his fingers in and out of my body in a steady rhythm. _So good... _I bucked my hips against his hand and moaned and clenched the blankets with my hands. Heat surged through my body, and I heard Edward sigh. I looked down at him, and he was watching his fingers sliding in and out of my body. _So hot. _

He leaned in and exhaled a warm breath between my legs. I fisted the blankets even more tightly with my hands and rocked my hips and gritted my teeth and held my breath.

Did he have any freaking idea how much I needed him? Of course he did. And did I mention how good Edward was at all of this? No wonder he could have any girl he wanted. And right now he wanted me… _O…my…God. This can't be happening. _

But he didn't make me beg.

He pressed his mouth to my crotch, flicking his tongue across the soaked material of my undies. And he actually groaned…_he groaned_ when he tasted me. My whole body felt weak and my breath was shaky. God what this boy could do to me…

He pressed his lips into my warmth, licking me through the thin, wet material. I writhed, I moaned, and it just caused him to increase the pressure of his tongue on my crotch. _More._

He licked my clit, stroking his tongue lightly over the sensitive bud over and over again. And I almost came right then.

With every stroke, every motion of his tongue, I'm sure I cried out, rocking my hips against him.

My eyes snapped shut, and I felt my whole body tremble as I felt a warm rush of pleasure welling up inside of me, building, building, about to spill over the brink. I held my breath and jerked my hips into him again. _Edward…_

He moved his hands to my waist to hook his fingers into the lacy band of my underwear, and then he slowly peeled them off. I lifted my hips to help him out, and he pulled them down over my ankles and off my legs.

My panties joined the pile of discarded clothes on his bedroom floor.

Edward wasted no time plunging two fingers back inside me. He slid them against the curve of my body hitting that perfect – _O…my…freaking…God_ – spot. And I arched my back and pushed my hips down hard on his fingers. He slid them in faster and deeper, and the amazing, _this is heaven_ sensations were building, building deep in my center pushing me towards some amazing precipice.

And Edward knew I was close.

He stilled his hand momentarily, and I groaned and glared at him. And he just smiled that uneven smile up at me. His eyes were heavy with desire, and he was so unbelievably sexy.

And then he pressed his lips back to my center, sucking my clit into his mouth. And I was rocking my hips with the rhythm of his movements. I'm sure I was thrashing my head against the pillow, but heat was surging through my body and my breathing was ragged and my heart was thudding in my chest.

And I'd wanted, fantasized, dreamed about this moment... Edward Cullen was going to make me cum.

He kept me tethered there…right on the edge…for an unbearable amount of time. And it was intensely amazing and breathtaking and wonderful…but I needed to just fall…

And then I heard him, his breath warm on my aching center, "Let go Bella. Cum for me…"

And that was it. He sucked on my clit and pushed his fingers deep inside my body. And I jerked my hips and cried out in pleasure and came apart on his hand, dripping and pulsing and trembling uncontrollably.

_Edward Cullen, you are a God._

But he probably already knew that, so I kept my damn mouth shut this time.

"Feel good, huh?" his voice was rough and gritty and oh so sexy.

But I could just gasp and stare down at him with wide eyes. He'd rendered me completely speechless; all I could do was nod as I struggled to regain control of my erratic breathing.

Edward slid on top of me again, positioning himself between my legs, pushing his very hard erection against my now naked crotch.

He pressed his lips to mine and I could taste myself on him, but it just made me want more of him.

I snaked my hand between our bodies and slid my hand into his jeans and under his boxers. He shuddered when my hand brushed his cock. He was so huge and hard. His dick twitched against my palm as I pressed it against the tip of his penis, dampening my fingers with the wetness there.

He grunted into my lips and pushed his dick roughly into me again. "Damn Bella…"

I began moving my up and down over his hard cock envisioning all the things I still wanted him to do to me. I repeated the motion slowly a few times before picking up speed, gripping him as firmly as I could within the confines of his jeans.

But then he grabbed my wrist, pulling my hand from his pants. "Bella, stop."

"Why?" I protested, but he pressed his lips to my mouth again silencing me.

"Because I want you so badly right now and I simply cannot justify cuming in my jeans."

And then he pulled away. And I groaned in irritation and reached for him. "Edward…"

But he was just getting a condom from his dresser across the room. Behind the socks under the boxers… And he stood there, naked from the waist up, so much more attractive than any teenage boy should _ever _be. His pale skin was incandescent in the moonlight.

Edward on an average day is inhumanly beautiful…beyond drop dead gorgeous.

But Edward right before sex is even fucking better. His lips, shiny and puffy from our kisses, were pink with arousal. His hair was sexily tousled, his skin was flushed, glowing, and his eyes shone brilliantly.

He locked the door.

He turned back to the bed, and I watched him drag his eyes up and down my naked body. He licked his pink lips and ran a hand through his perfectly disheveled hair.

"_You sure you want to do this Bella?"_

Yea. Definitely_._

-------------------

**a/n: *deep breath*  
**

**Jessica is throwing a party this weekend and you have to love Stanley's parties. Bella obviously has a lot of, um, unfinished thinking to do as she vicariously lives through her own experiences, and then Alice and she will head off to see Edward again. **

**Reviews feel better than a half naked Edward in bed. **

**Love ya, Violet.**


	3. Party!

Disclaimer: I don't own _Twilight _or any of the characters. I only wish Edward was mine, so I could do what I want with him. Rated M for mature content, foul language, Mike Newton, and smut. Please stop reading if you feel you may be offended.

-------------------

Edward hadn't called me again since that one night. That night he wanted things to be okay, wanted things to stay the same. I could have called him, of course. But I didn't. It just didn't seem right.

And days, a week, two weeks went by. I was beginning to wonder if I should even bother going through with our plan to go visit next month. Self-conscious as always, I started to talk myself out of it. I mean, who really wants their high school friends visiting them at college? And what if I were relegated to the status of his little sister's friend? I cringed at the thought.

But Alice really wanted to go. She missed her brothers as much as I missed Edward. And deep down, I was secretly happy for having the excuse. After all, she didn't want to go alone.

-------------------

It was Jessica Stanley's party. One month, one week since I'd last seen, touched Edward. Two weeks, five days since I'd last talked to him, heard his sex and velvet voice. I'd already made the decision a few days before. I'd do myself a favor. Forget about him for one night. Have some fun. Or, at the very least, give myself something else to think about, over-analyze, for a few hours.

Alice and I went together as always. I didn't explain my plan to her; thought I'd spare myself the critique. Besides, she'd only just gotten used to my being obsessed with her brother. I couldn't exactly describe my idea of fucking him out my system. But I ran over my options in my head as she drove us to the party that night. Plenty of guys like me, want me. I made up my mind to want one tonight.

-------------------

A shot of vodka just to get us through the door. We made our way to the kitchen, found the keg. I scanned the crowd. Good turnout; good party.

Alice bounced on her toes and sipped her beer. She'd spotted Jasper in the other room. Add that to the list of things that needed to happen tonight.

We made our way to the garage where a large number of increasingly boisterous partygoers had gathered around a ping-pong table. Beer pong! I _love _beer pong.

Alice laughed at me while I did a little happy dance.

"Bella…" she teased. "You _suck _at that game."

She's right. Unfortunately, I really am positively awful at that game. It requires a degree of skill and coordination that I clearly lack. Alice has potential but is easily distracted. Together we made a deplorable pair.

We tried our luck. Failed miserably. Lost quickly. Alice bartered for another round, seeing as how we hardly got our money's worth out of that first game. It was true but probably not wise. The worse you play, the more you drink. The quicker you lose, the faster you have to do it. We were well on our way to having one hell of a good time tonight.

After game and nearly as many cups of beer later, Alice and I were forced into early retirement. It was probably for the best.

We sat relishing in the liquid pleasure of our defeat until Jessica's shrill voice rang out from somewhere inside.

"Apple pie shots!"

Just what we needed. Obviously.

In theory, these shots are genius. In reality, they're…messy.

We gathered with the rest of our friends who were willing and thirsty enough to give it a try.

Mike Newton was first in line, graciously offering to demonstrate the appropriate procedure.

"On your knees." Jessica ordered. Mike flashed me a smile and obeyed. He loves to be the center of attention.

Mike tilted his head back, closed his eyes, and opened his mouth, waiting for Jessica expectantly. She poured a shot of spiced rum into his open mouth, and he held it there dutifully while she grabbed the shaker of cinnamon from a nearby table. A few sprinkles of cinnamon on top and then time for the whipped cream. Jessica paused dramatically before squirting a generous amount into his already full mouth. He pursed his lips shut and shook his head side to side before swallowing. Well done.

Let the games begin.

Alice started laughing hysterically as soon as Jess tried to sprinkle the cinnamon into her mouth. She ended up snorting and spitting her mouthful of rum all over the place before she even made it to the whipped cream phase.

Party foul.

I noticed Jasper watching her with this adorably nauseating, lovesick puppy look on his face. Leave it to Alice to be sexy while spitting all over the place. I have yet to master that ability.

Jessica went next. Expertly done.

She even managed to shake her hair out in this alluring, come-hither way while mixing the rum and cinnamon and whipped cream around in her mouth. If I weren't so deliciously drunk right now, I'd be disgusted by that skill. But we're all such BFF's at the moment that I don't care.

It's my turn on my knees. Head back. Mouth open. Don't smile. Don't laugh. Don't choke. Don't gag. Don't spit. _Please _don't spit Bella. Rum in. Don't swallow. Hold still. Cinnamon in. Almost there. Whipped cream on top. Move head from side to side. Shake it up. Swallow it down. Success. Wow. I can't believe I did that. For such a tasty shot there sure is a lot of stress involved…Too many steps; too many possibilities for mishap. But I managed with only a little bit of drool.

I licked my lips and noticed Mike Newton's eyes trained on my tongue. Interesting. Mike and I have a bit of a past. I know. I know. But I'll get to that later. Because Lauren Mallory has emerged from the kitchen with a bottle of tequila, and she's screaming "body shots" and, clearly, that's what we all need right now.

Jessica shrieked and Alice rolled her eyes, but when Jasper sauntered over and asked if she would help him with _his _shot, she immediately blushed and nodded blankly. I rolled my eyes right back.

Jess was already pouring the tequila into a dozen waiting shot glasses. Jasper took a chance and scooped Alice up, flinging her tiny form over his shoulder. She burst into a fit of giggles but didn't resist, as he carried her over to the kitchen and laid her out on the countertop. He pulled her tank top up, exposing her pale stomach. Alice was literally vibrating with laughter.

"Hold still!" I reprimanded, appearing at Jasper's side with his tequila shot. He eyed her deviously before sprinkling a line of salt along her tummy from the waistband of her jeans to her navel. He balanced the shot glass precariously above her bellybutton while Alice attempted to control her giggles. I gave her a lime, and she held it awkwardly in her hand waiting for Jazz to do something.

"_Put it in your mouth…_" I hissed in her ear. She glanced at me, eyes wide, but complied, a bit too drunk to refuse. Jasper's breath hitched when he saw her, but then he smiled widely. Everyone cheered as he ran his tongue along her stomach, licking the salt. He placed his lips around the glass and tilted his head back, downing the shot. Then he leaned down and pressed his mouth to hers, sucking the lime from between her teeth.

Alice had been holding her breath, but then she sat up beaming. "My turn."

The party had begun.

I watched as Alice and Jazz progressed from doing body shots off one another to a full-fledge makeout session in the corner. There goes my ride home. I stood pondering my options while Alice pushed Jasper down into a chair. She climbed onto his lap, straddling him and attacked his lips with renewed fervor. He didn't seem to mind. He simply grabbed her little hips and pulled her closer to his body, opening his mouth against hers again and again. Gross but oh so cute.

"B_elllaaa…_"

Hearing my name snapped me out of my reverie. I should probably stop staring anyway. I turned to see who was calling. Of course. Fig Newton.

Mike wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me toward him. "C'mon baby. I need some help here." Oh all right. I grabbed two shot glasses and some lime wedges from the counter and followed him to the couch.

Mike Newton is attractive. Don't get me wrong – he doesn't even begin to compare to Edward, but he's cute nonetheless. Bright blue eyes, good skin, sandy blonde hair fastidiously arranged to look carelessly disheveled. Alice and I use to joke that he only started to wear his hair like that to copy Edward's. But it looked great anyhow.

And we kinda sorta almost had a thing last year.

He liked me, had wanted me since second semester freshman year. Or that what's he told me at least. Edward and Alice, however, had teased me about him since 7th grade. _Mike and Bella sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g… _of course by ninth, that innocent tree kissing teasing had morphed into not-so-innocent tree _f-u-c-k-i-n-g_. I always wondered how that would work actually. Sounds precarious. I sure as hell don't have the balance required. But that's so not the point.

Anyway, Alice and Edward called it. And, come winter break last year, Mike Newton finally worked up the nerve to ask me out. I accepted with minimal reservation. Of course I was still obsessing over Edward. Like that will _ever _change… But, at the time, he was too busy fucking Jessica Stanley in his car to notice my infatuation. And, Mike is cute and fun and totally available.

So we went out. And I might have actually enjoyed it just a little bit. But not too much.

I didn't sleep with him. He wanted to, tried to, stuck a hand up my shirt and down my pants while he was at it, but never earned the pleasure. C'mon. What kind of girl do you think I am?

Oh yea. The kind who's letting Mike Newton take a shot from between my tits right this very moment. I'm tilting my head to the side, and he's trailing his tongue along my collarbone licking the salt. No. I did _not _lie down on the counter and lift my shirt like Alice Cullen. Then again, look where it got her right about now…

His tongue is moist and warm and kinda pleasant. And now he's wrapping his lips around the shot glass nestled snuggly in my cleavage. I can't help but notice how he slides his nose along the peak of my breast before lifting his head and downing the shot. Subtle Mike. Real subtle.

But now he's pressing his lips to mine. Yes. The lime is wedged between my teeth. He pulls it out, but lets it drop. And now his lips are on mine and he's kissing me. His lips are smooth and soft. And before I know it I'm kissing him back, letting my mouth move against his, gently sucking his upper lip into my mouth. Mike tastes good, like cream and tequila. And part of me is saying that's probably a pretty gross mix but really it's quite nice right now.

But he slides his tongue along my lips, begging for entrance, and I'm just not drunk enough for that right now, so I push him away. He complies, smiling wickedly at me.

"Well Bella Swan, I missed you too."

Arrogant little prick.

"You kissed me Mike," I snap. "I need a lot more tequila for _that _to ever happen again."

"I can help you there babe." And he fills my shot glass.

Actually Mike, on further consideration, yes you can. Perhaps my plan to get Edward off my mind for just one night might work after all…

He leaned back against the couch cushion and lifted his gray t-shirt up over his chest. I poured a bit of salt on his hipbone; I love the way his hips jut out forming that perfect v below his waist. No, I'm not ashamed to admit that Mike has a nice body. I'd rather have Edward's of course, but he's not offering right now thankyouverymuch.

Mike balanced the shot on his stomach, propped dangerously on the waistband of his pants and placed the lime between his teeth, winking at me.

I licked, moving my tongue across his hip not too slowly before picking up the shot glass with my mouth and swallowing the liquor. And I bent over, pressing my lips to his and sucking the lime juices into my mouth. He wanted to kiss me again, but I don't let him. Not yet.

Another shot or two. I notice that Mike leaves his tongue, his mouth on my skin longer each time, but I don't care. He wrapped his arm around my waist and is rubbing his hand gently up and down my side. I've had a bit too much, but Mike is warm and smells good and it's familiar here against him.

He leaned over and pressed his lips to my temple. My breath shook slightly, and he stroked my cheek gently with his thumb reassuring me.

"You okay Bells?"

"Yea. I'm just…" I'm just what? Isn't this what I was looking for?

I glanced at Alice. She was still glued to Jasper in the corner. He'd slipped his hand under the thin material of her tank top and was palming her breast, not caring about the other people in the room. But nobody seemed to mind. Alice arched her back and let her head drop to the side, allowing him to trail his tongue over the pale skin of her neck.

It was about time. It was so obvious to everyone that those two were meant to be together, well, obvious to everyone except them. I was beyond pleased that they finally figured it out.

Mike tugged on my waist, angling my body towards his. He looked at me intensely, still dragging his thumb up and down my cheek. And his eyes were filled with desire and…adoration? Yep. It's official. Mike Newton isn't over me. And right then I decided that, tonight, that's okay.

I leaned in and pressed my lips to his. I heard his breath catch in his throat, but he kissed me back eagerly, sucking my bottom lip into his mouth. I smiled against his lips. I can't deny that it feels good to have a nice, attractive guy want you.

He slid his tongue against my lip and this time I opened my mouth, letting him push his tongue in. I met his tongue with mine, sliding it against his, twirling my tongue around, pushing it into the corner of his mouth.

"Bella…" he moaned into my mouth quietly, concerned about the others around us, but I didn't care. The alcohol had effectively lowered my inhibitions, and all I could think about was the feeling of his lips on mine, the taste of his skin, and the pressure of his hand on my lower back. And the fact that I currently wasn't obsessing over Edward Cullen. _Edward…_ Stop it Bella. Focus.

I reached my hand up, working my fingers through his spiky hair, pulling his face closer to mine. The kiss became faster, wetter. He opened his mouth against mine again and again. I groaned when I felt his teeth just graze my lip. I pushed my tongue into his mouth deeper, sweeping it across the roof of his mouth before pressing it against his tongue again.

He opened his eyes, and they burned deeply into mine. My heart thudded loudly in my chest and I had to pull away, gasping for breath. Mike just smiled and pressed his lips to my neck. I leaned my head back against the couch, as he trailed hot open-mouthed kisses down my throat. I trembled a bit as his sucked and nibbled on my sensitive, flushed skin. I couldn't help it. I was so incredibly wet, and I quickly remembered what I liked about Mike Newton.

He began sliding his hand up my side, gliding his hand over my stomach, moving dangerously close to my chest. I sucked in quick breath and held it, waiting. But Mike's hand just skimmed the side of my breast. I think I actually groaned when he pulled his hand back down to my waist.

He chuckled softly and looked at me, his eyes dark with desire. "What?" he teased. "What do you want Bella?" Then he leaned in, pushing his mouth to my ear. "It's good to see I can still turn you on…" His voice was low and gravelly. And he was right. He could still turn me on.

He kissed me again, prying my lips apart, shoving his tongue inside my mouth. His lips crushed against mine and I felt his teeth, his tongue as he moved his mouth against mine feverishly.

He moved his hand between my legs, clearly no longer concerned about the others around us anymore. My fingers clutched at his arm as he pressed his palm against my crotch. _O…my…God. _More.

I moved my hand to his leg, sliding it up his thigh, but he grabbed my wrist. He pulled my hand to his face, sucking one of my fingers into his mouth, twirling his moist, warm tongue around. I moaned again at the sensation.

Mike stood up, pulling me with him. "C'mon."

I followed without hesitation as he led me through the kitchen to the empty entryway. He backed me against the wall, pressing his body into mine, pinning my arms at my sides. My chest heaved and my heart pounded in my ears, as he pushed his lips to mine again. His mouth was warm and wet, and he forced my chin up with his hand, angling my head to his, allowing him to deepen the kiss.

I squirmed against him, and he laughed softly against my mouth. He grinded his hips against mine and I groaned, feeling the hard bulge of his erection pushing into me.

"You like that, huh?" His voice was thick with want, but he was right. I did.

I slid my hands down his back and grabbed his ass, pulling him against me. He grunted into my mouth and rocked his hips into mine again. Damn.

But then he pulled away, still holding my wrist. "Let's go upstairs."

I followed.

He opened the first door at the top of the stairs. It was a small guest bedroom. The lights were off, but I could see a dresser against the wall, and a twin bed in the corner. Thank God this wasn't Jessica's little sister's room or something.

I couldn't help but remember the story Edward told me about the first time he fucked Tanya Denali. They were at a party, similar to this one – but aren't they all? And she hadn't been able to keep her hands off him. I couldn't blame her of course. Anyway, they'd ducked into an empty bedroom, but it turned out to be the host's baby sister's room.

That didn't stop them or anything. But Edward joked about it later. They'd cleared the bed off quickly, sweeping a pile of dolls and stuffed animals to the floor.

But there was this stuffed lion next to the pillow that bounced up and down with the movement of the bed the entire time he fucked her.

"I mean, Tanya's hot and all," he'd told me later, "but I couldn't stop watching that damn lion…"

God. Why am I thinking about this right now? Focus Bella.

Mike led me to the bed and pulled me down on top of him, keeping his lips firmly sealed to mine. His kisses were no longer gentle or soft; they were rough and needy and not entirely pleasant.

He shoved his hands under my shirt groping, kneading, palming my breasts forcefully. Leaving one hand on my tit, he moved his free hand to my waist and began undoing the button on my jeans. A voice inside my head was suddenly screaming at me. _Stop Bella. This doesn't feel right._

"Mike, wait…"

"Hmmm…?" He stopped fumbling with my jeans momentarily, but did not move his mouth from mine.

I pushed against his chest and rolled off him, sitting up.

"Bella, what's wrong?" He looked at me with genuine concern in his eyes and stroked my back tenderly. "Did I do something? I thought…"

"No Mike," I cut him off. "You're fine. I just don't want to do this right now."

"That's okay. I understand." He tried to mask the disappointment in his voice. "I mean, we can ease back into things. And I know your first time is supposed to be special and all. This wouldn't be right."

"No Mike, that's not what I mean, I…"

Wait, ease back into things?_ Oh…my…God… _Does he really think I want to get back together or something? Great. Just great. That's exactly what I need…Mike Newton all obsessed with me again. Well, for fuck's sake Bella, what the hell did you think was going to happen? Damn. Okay. I need to take care of this now.

"I mean, it wouldn't be my first time, I just don't want to have sex with you right now." _Or ever, now that I think about it…_But I kept that detail to myself.

"Oh." Mike stopped rubbing my back; his hand dropped to the bed. He was clearly a bit flustered and upset by my admission.

He sat silently for a few moments thinking. "But when we were together, well, you said you weren't ready. And that was okay Bella. But, I mean, had you already…?" his voice trailed off.

"No Mike. It was after we were together…after we'd broken up."

"But I just, I just don't get it Bella. I mean, we were good together. And I really liked you, still do… But hell, I thought I _loved_ you Bells. And I didn't mind waiting -- I would have waited for as long as you needed. And I always thought that you just weren't ready. But then you turn around and sleep with the first guy you meet…"

He tried to keep his volume down, but his voice shook with anger.

"Please Mike. Stop. It wasn't like that at all." I placed my hand on his knee, but he pushed it away.

"Really? It wasn't?!" He was practically yelling at me now. "Then, please, by all means, tell me how it was. Because it seems to me that you didn't waste much before jumping into bed with someone else. Did you even take the time to get to know him? Catch his name? Hell, Bella, we broke up less than five months ago."

"Mike, please calm down." I didn't know what else to say.

"Who was it?" he demanded curtly.

"Do you really want to know?"

"Yea, I do."

"Edward." I dropped my eyes, avoiding his glare. I wasn't ashamed or anything, but I really didn't feel comfortable discussing this.

"_Cullen_!" Mike was livid. "You let Edward Cullen fuck you!? Jesus Bella, I thought you were better than that."

_It's okay Mike, I thought grimly. Edward thinks I fucked you too. _I never actually told Edward that Mike and I were having sex. We weren't. But I never told him that we weren't either. I just let him assume. And I preferred it that way. Edward has slept with so many girls. I was tired of being the innocent little virgin. So I let him think that Mike and I had done more than we actually had. And frankly, I'm not sure Edward would have ever let himself sleep with me if he thought he was my first… I don't think deflowering his best friend ranked too high on his 'to do' list.

"And I thought you were better than this Mike. Stop acting like a freaking child." Now I was yelling right back at him. Real mature Bella. But he'd really pissed me off. "Yes. I had sex with Edward. And I certainly don't regret it. Fuck. I'd do it again. And who are you to judge me anyways? You have no right."

Mike sat in stunned silence, staring at his lap. Finally he spoke again. His voice was low, but steely. "That's okay Bella. I get it. I wasn't good enough for you but, for some reason, Edward Cullen was." He said Edward's name with clear disdain. And, as much as I hated him for it, I couldn't blame him. Mike couldn't possibly understand, and I just needed to leave it at that.

"I'm sorry Mike. I'm sorry things didn't work out with us. I'm sorry I led you on tonight. But, up until about ten minutes ago, I was having a pretty good night. So I'm not sorry about that." And, with that, I stood up and walked of room, leaving him there in the dark.

So my plan to forget about Edward for a while was a complete bust. If anything, tonight only reaffirmed my obsession and complete devotion to him. But I made a new resolution. I am going to visit Edward in approximately two weeks. And, I know I've always said I'll take what I can get. Well, now I've decided to see exactly how much I can get.

-------------------

**a/n: Don't worry. No more Fig Newton. The next bit is half written and Edward's back. Thank goodness :D Thank you so much for your comments and reviews. Check out my other story if you haven't already done so. It's another deliciously guilty pleasure to absorb your attention. **

**And, we can all agree that Reviews are so much better than Newton…**

**Love ya! Violet**


	4. Fall Back

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or Edward. The words are mine. Rated M.**

**a/n: I had fun with this one. Enjoy with love.**

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The next two weeks blew by. First semester senior year was shaping up to be quite a lot of work. And with college applications to finish, on top of my already stellar workload, I didn't have time for much else.

Mike hadn't really spoken to me since Jessica's party. Not too big of a loss there. But I still felt a bit guilty about that night. Not because I practically threw myself at Mike Newton, or because I might have given him the wrong idea. But more because I felt like I was kinda cheating on Edward.

No. I stopped myself. Of course that wasn't right. Edward and I weren't together. But I did feel as though I was cheating _myself _out of Edward, in trying to settle for someone else.

And now we were zipping along 101 North in Alice's Porsche, on our way to Seattle and Edward.

I sat in the passenger seat, bare feet up on the dashboard, humming along to Beck _Guerro_ and trying to ignore the feeling of dread growing in my stomach.

And what was I so worried about anyway? That he didn't want to see me? That things would be awkward between us? Or that our relationship had been permanently altered – and not in the way I hoped.

But I did my best to push those thoughts from my head. It was too late to worry now.

We arrived just before dinnertime. Emmett met us outside his dorm, and we drove in circles around campus searching for a visitor's spot. The University of Washington was beautiful at twilight. I could immediately see why Edward and Emmett were happy here.

Emmett, always a gracious and considerate host, carried Alice and my bags as we trekked from the student parking lot up to their dormitory on North Campus.

"I am _not _driving again this weekend." Alice muttered, out of breath, when we finally arrived at our destination. "My car is staying parked _right _where it is until we leave on Monday."

Emmett laughed and smacked his sister playfully on her back. "No need to get grumpy now. You guys are our guests. We will take care of the driving."

He led us up three flights of stairs to the room he shared with Edward. Their dorm room was actually more of a miniscule apartment. Miniscule being the operative word. Emmett opened the door into a tiny sitting area. Their TV was crammed into a corner, and the futon that was shoved against the wall took up nearly the entire remaining space. Stacks of DVDs and videogames lined the wall, and a few empty beer cans littered the floor, but there wasn't room for anything else.

"Bells, you can sleep here." He tossed our bags onto the futon. "I'll get a blanket and I think Eddie has an extra pillow you can use. And Alice, you can sleep in my bed. I'll take the floor for a few days."

"Aww…thanks Em." Alice beamed at her big brother and kissed him on the cheek, demonstrating her appreciation of his gesture.

"My room's here" he said, indicating the door behind him. "And Edward's is through there." He continued, waving his hand to the dark doorway to the right of the sitting area. "We have community bathrooms. The girls' is down on the second floor. I can show you later. Edward should be home in fifteen minutes or so – he was working on some group project or something in the library."

My heart rate spiked and my stomach twisted with excitement just hearing Edward's name. Pathetic, I know.

"I'll let you two rest for a few minutes. But I figured we'd go off campus for dinner. Edward and I both have class in the morning, so we'll probably just take it easy tonight. Ice cream and a movie maybe?"

God. Emmett was really adorable. He was so concerned about being a good host, about us having a good time. I smiled and nodded. "Yea. That sounds great." Dinner and a movie with Edward was fine by me. Just like old times.

Alice just shrugged and flopped down on the futon, where she immediately began flipping through an endless stream of TV channels. I joined her, and Emmett mumbled something about finishing an assignment and disappeared into his room.

"So Bella," Alice didn't turn away from the TV. "You and Edward gonna hook up tonight?"

"Please Alice. Don't start." My tone evidently told her that I was done talking about it because she didn't say anything else.

Edward came in shortly. And I think I actually started hyperventilating when I saw him. Damn. He was even more beautiful than I remembered. If that was even possible. I am so fucked.

But he kissed us both on the cheek and pulled us together into a hug, and he told us how much he missed us and how glad he was that we were there.

And then he went into his room to change for dinner. He left the door open, and I could see him peel off his t-shirt. O…my…God. Stop looking Bella. But he walked to his desk shirtless to check his email, and I could see the muscles rippling down his perfect back to his trim waist and his jeans just hugging his perfect ass. Stop Bella. Breathe.

-------------------

We went to dinner at a pizza place not far off campus. I was tongue-tied, awkwardly silent through most of our meal. But Alice had enough to say for the both of us, so my sudden bout of taciturnity went mostly unnoticed.

Edward's phone buzzed at him just minutes after we sat down. He checked the message and then flashed the screen at Emmett, smirking wickedly.

Emmett laughed knowingly. "You gonna see her later?"

Edward just shrugged his shoulders. "Probably."

Em laughed again, shaking his head.

"See who? Alice demanded. "What's so funny?"

"Nothing." Emmett responded. "Just some girl who can't get enough of Edward." Of course. There was always some girl. Just fucking lovely.

Edward typed out a text quickly and put his phone back in his pocket. It buzzed at him two or three times more during the course of our dinner. I was more than pleased to notice that Edward ignored it each time. But, the again, he'd probably be off screwing whoever she was later, so there wasn't much to be smug about.

I spent most of the meal staring at Edward. If he sensed my discomfort, he didn't let it show. But it was becoming increasingly obvious to me that our dynamic had shifted. Even if he viewed me the in same way he always did, that night changed everything for me. I simply couldn't help it.

-------------------

We stopped by the dining hall when we got back to campus to get some ice cream. Two pints necessary. Alice picked out Cherry Garcia to share with Emmett. I was about to reach for Edward's and my favorite. But I thought better of it at the last second and opted for Phish Food instead. Leave it to me to over-analyze ice cream selection. _It's just ice cream Bella._

But Edward noticed my hesitation and, placing his hand on the small of my back, leaned down to whisper in my ear. "What, no Carmel Sutra tonight?"

My breath caught, and he chuckled softly but did not remove his hand. His voice, his words, sent shivers down my spine and made my stomach tighten with excitement. Did I really just catch some double meaning there?

I glanced at him, and he was staring straight down at me, his emerald eyes smoldering. Did he associate our ice cream with that night now too? I could swear his voice dripped with subtle innuendo.

If I'd wanted Carmel Sutra, would he have thought I wanted him too?

Or, more likely, it was absolutely nothing. After all, we've shared like two hundred pints of that stuff, and we only had sex once. I don't think that effectively proves Carmel Sutra as an aphrodisiac.

But that didn't mean the thought hadn't crossed his mind. And the tension was palpable between us, with his hand on my back and his eyes locked on mine. Perhaps…

But Emmett interrupted the moment, grabbing the Phish Food from my hand and heading to the line to pay. Edward pulled his hand away and quickly followed his brother, grabbing a few Vitamin Waters on the way.

When we got back to their dorm, a girl was sitting outside. Her legs were curled up to her chest and her skinny arms were wrapped around her knees. She was playing with her phone but looked up when she heard us and bounced to her feet, a wide smile on her face. So this was the 'some girl' texting Edward at dinner.

She wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed her lips to his, and I think I threw up in my mouth a little bit, but I tried to keep my expression calm.

But _oh my God _this girl was a walking stereotype. Seriously Edward? Blonde hair pulled into a high ponytail, secured with a yellow bow. Very tanned skin – and I mean fake, I'm _way _too tan for Washington in October tanned. She was shorter than me. 5'2", 5'3" maybe. Petit but curvy in all the right places. Tiny white tee stretched tightly across perky boobs. Hot pink Juicy sweats hugging her hips. Pink polished toes adorning her shiny, silver flip-flops.

Pretty. Certainly. If you like that sort of thing. And evidently Edward does. But I knew that already.

Edward greeted her not quite as eagerly, but he didn't push her away either. "Reagan, this is Em's and my sister, Alice."

"Oh my God, Alice!" She flung her arms around Alice's tiny frame. Alice stood stiffly, glancing at her brothers for assistance. But Emmett just laughed, and Edward grinned sheepishly.

"It's so good to finally meet you!" Reagan continued. Her level of enthusiasm was absurd. "Edward's told me so much about you. You're exactly how I pictured you – I feel like we're friends already!"

I stifled a laugh, as Alice extricated herself from Reagan's arms, eyeing her wearily.

Edward interrupted the exchange. "And this is Bella."

Reagan inspected me critically and smiled weakly. Did she think I was competition? Good.

"Aww Edward," she cooed. "You didn't tell me that Alice was bringing one of her little friends."

_Wow. _She did not just say that.

Edward grimaced and Alice glared scathingly.

"Actually," he began quickly in an attempt to smooth things over. "Bella's as much my friend as Alice's. And I had _hoped_ she would come this weekend, but I didn't really know for sure. She never called to confirm." Edward eyed me suggestively.

Hmmm… Maybe the reason he didn't call had nothing to do with him not wanting to talk to me. Maybe he was worried that _I _didn't want to talk to him. He'd called me. Was he waiting for me to return the favor? Interesting.

And, he hadn't told sorority Barbie that I was coming to visit. I wonder why. Did he think she might get jealous of me? Was there a reason she should be jealous?

Regardless, Edward still wrapped his arm around _her _waist as we walked inside and up the stairs to their room.

When Emmett unlocked the door, Reagan sashayed past him into the room, flicking the lights on and depositing her keys by the TV before curling up on the futon. Comfortably. She'd been here before.

Alice must have noticed the death glares I was shooting her because she took my hand in hers tenderly and led me to the opposite side of the futon. Alice sat down on the end and pulled me down beside her. Edward would sit by Reagan, but it did not escape my notice that, as Alice had situated us, he would also be next to me.

"So what are we watching?" Alice inquired.

"_SLC Punk_," Edward answered, and I smiled. He knew I liked that movie.

Alice rolled her eyes. "Well, at least it's not _Caddyshack _all over again." She looked at Edward and I pointedly.

Edward was visibly flustered but recovered quickly, glancing at me quizzically before turning back to the DVD player.

So Edward didn't know that Alice knew that we'd slept together?

"What's a caddy shack?" Reagan questioned.

"Oh, it's just a movie that Edward and Bella _really _like." Subtle Alice. Really subtle.

Emmett sat down on the floor at Alice's feet. He looked about as confused as Reagan did but didn't bother to question.

The movie started, and Edward passed me the carton of ice cream. I was suddenly overcome by the irrational concern that Edward might expect me to share with _her _too. As if that could happen. Ice cream, Edward stealing whore…

But my mutinous thoughts were quickly silenced. Reagan doesn't eat ice cream. Hence the Vitamin Water Edward had so thoughtfully purchased. Silly little fat free bitch. Oh well, her loss.

I couldn't help but watch how she inched closer to Edward throughout the movie. She placed her hand on his thigh and, before too long, was petting his leg, her hand moving dangerously close to his crotch.

And then she was resting her head on his chest, and he wrapped his strong arm more securely around her little body and pressed his mouth to her hair. Ugh. The sight made me want to vomit.

But she laughed too loudly at all the wrong times and was constantly asking Edward to explain what was going on. Obnoxious. Watch the movie for Christ's sake and quit asking stupid questions.

Alice, sensing my tension, stroked my back gently, comfortingly, and looked at Reagan with disgust. At least Edward would hear about this in the morning.

Alice started to yawn about halfway through and was sound asleep, her head in my lap, before the movie was over. Reagan, much to my dismay, began whispering to Edward about cutting out early. "Baby, c'mon…don't you want to go back to my room now?"

Sheesh… Gag me with my fucking ice cream spoon already.

He pressed his lips to her temple and slid one hand up her stomach and cupped her breast, squeezing briefly before dropping his hand back to her lap.

I know she caught me looking because her glossy lips curved into a truly evil grin. Yea, yea. I get it. He's with you now.

But he didn't make any move to leave. Well, at least she wasn't good enough to miss the end of the movie. Some consolation Bella, I thought darkly.

The movie, however, was over all too soon, and Alice jerked awake with a start. Edward looked at me…apologetically? as he stood to leave with _her._

"So, um, Emmett and I usually eat breakfast at about 8:45 before our 9:30 classes. See you then?"

I smiled timidly and nodded. Alice only rolled her eyes in response. _God I love that girl. _And Edward ran a hand through his hair anxiously and stared at his shoes. Good. I'm glad Alice's clear disapproval makes you uncomfortable.

But Reagan was standing at the door, arms folded across her chest, tapping her foot impatiently, and they left without another word.

-------------------

I tried really hard to mask my unhappiness, but Alice saw straight through me of course. "You okay sweetie?"

"Yea. Fine." Monosyllables were all I could manage without my voice shaking.

"Sure…" she looked at me knowingly. "Well, Edward's a fucking prick. That's for sure," she said irritably, clenching her little fists tightly. "I mean, what the fuck Bella!? Who the hell does he think he is? And that little bleach-blonde slut!" She was literally shaking with anger. And I was grateful she was vocalizing everything I was feeling.

"Really, Alice. I'm fine. There's nothing between Edward and me. He can do what he wants. I just want to go to bed now, if that's okay."

"Yea. Totally," she replied sympathetically. You want me to stay in here? There's room enough for both of us."

"Nah. Emmett made his bed up for you. Wouldn't want to hurt his feelings."

She looked at me seriously for a minute and then nodded. "Okay. If you're sure you're gonna be alright." She kissed me on the cheek and got lithely to her feet. She turned to look at me once more, smiling reassuringly, and disappeared into Emmett's room.

I grabbed my pajamas and my bathroom bag and slipped my flip-flops on. Surely a shower would make me feel better.

I trekked down the flight of stairs to the girls' floor of the dormitory. My stomach churned as I wondered if Reagan lived down here. Was she busy fucking Edward just behind one of these doors? No. She'd been waiting for us outside. She must live in another dorm. Well, at least I wouldn't be running into her in the bathroom.

The showers in the community bathroom were small, but clean. I stood under the hot water for a long time. It unknotted my back and cleared my head. The familiar smell of my strawberry shampoo calmed me a bit, and I tried not to think of Edward, or what he was, at this very minute, doing to Reagan.

I dried off and dressed in a thin camisole and my pajama pants. I brushed my teeth thoroughly before heading back to Edward's room and my place on the futon.

I had nearly made it to the door when I heard steps behind me. A strong arm wrapped around my waist, and I jumped, opening my mouth to scream.

"Shhh Bella, it's just me." _Edward_.

"What the fuck?!" I spun around and found myself just inches from his breathtakingly gorgeous face. "You scared the shit out of me!"

"Sorry, honey." His lips twisted into a crooked little smirk, and he looked devilishly handsome. I _so_ couldn't be mad at him, ever.

And he leaned in, and my breath caught in my chest, as he pressed his lips to mine. "But Reagan…?" I managed to ask into his mouth. _Keep your damn mouth shut Bella. Don't remind him…_

But he responded breathily, "she's not here," and he moved his mouth against mine.

_Oh…my…God…_This isn't happening.

But he sucked my lower lip into his mouth and walked me backward, pinning me against the door. And he ran his tongue against my lip, and I opened my mouth, allowing him to plunge it inside. I twirled my tongue around his. God he tasted so good with his tongue pressed to mine. The kiss became hotter, wetter. I ran my tongue across his teeth and swept it along the roof of his mouth, before sliding it against his again.

He pressed the length of his body against me, sandwiching me between himself and the wall. I ran my hand up his back and entangled my fingers in his hair, pulling his face closer to mine. I pulled, hard, and he groaned into my mouth. So fucking sexy. And he slid his hands over my hips and cupped my ass, tugging me closer to him still.

I could feel his dick harden against me. _He wants me_. And I moaned, and I think I fucking said his name, as I rocked my hips into his. And he grinded against me, pressing his hard on into my hip again and again.

"God Bella," he breathed into my mouth, "I wanted to do this the minute I saw you tonight." _Kiss._ "You're so damn sexy..." _Kiss. _"And I've missed you so fucking much."

And I moaned again and tilted my head back, leaning against the door, allowing Edward to kiss and suck and lick the sensitive skin on my neck. He slid his hands up my back, around my waist, over my stomach, and along my ribcage to my chest. He squeezed my breasts, and I felt his dick jerk against me.

"Fuck Edward." I couldn't help myself. I said his name again, but I think he likes it because his breath hitched and he pressed his lips harder to mine. His kisses were rough, needy, but so amazing, wonderful, heavenly…

"I'm so sorry Bella," he breathed into my mouth. "I should have never left tonight. I just want you."

And he plucked at my nipple, pinching it through the thin material of my tank top. I groaned. Loudly. And he chuckled as my nipple pebbled under his fingers.

"C'mon, love. Let's go inside before I take you right here."

_Oh…my…God_… His words made me so incredibly wet, and my spine, my legs, fuck, my whole body tingled. And his voice was like music and honey and velvet and sex. Sex with _me_.

He opened the door and pulled me in, holding my hand in his. Emmett's door was open, but the light was off. They were asleep.

I followed Edward into his room, and he shut the door behind us. He pressed his lips to mine again, and I sucked on his lip greedily.

He walked me back to his bed, keeping his mouth glued to mine.

And then his hands were under the thin material of my camisole, palms pressed to my breasts, kneading, cupping, squeezing. I gasped and moaned way too loudly when he pinched my nipple, twisting and rolling it between his talented fingers.

But he just chuckled and locked his burning eyes on mine. "You like that, hmm?" I couldn't put a coherent thought, much less sentence together while he was squeezing my nipples and rubbing my tits and looking at me like that. So I just nodded and panted and squirmed under his grasp.

And then my cami was on the floor. He dragged his tongue over my now exposed skin, showering my neck, chest, stomach with kisses. He cupped my breast in his hand, stroking his thumb gently across my supersensitive nipple.

He sucked my other nipple into his perfect mouth. And I wriggled against him and moaned and whimpered. And it was probably pretty damn embarrassing, but I just couldn't bring myself to care.

And when I felt his teeth graze my flushed skin, I think I almost came right then. "_Fuck_ Edward." I was so wet, and I wanted him so bad. Pathetic perhaps. But I felt his dick twitch against my leg, and he was so hard – I knew he wanted me too.

I _love_ what this boy can do to me.

And I couldn't help but think of all the college girls he could have right now. But he chose me, and it was heaven.

His hand was at my waist, pulling my pajama pants down. And I fumbled with his jeans, unbuttoning, unzipping, tugging them over his hips.

He pushed me back onto his bed, as I slid his jeans down his legs with my feet. He groaned and looked at me with such hunger and desire in his eyes.

He slid his hands over my hips, splaying his fingers out across my stomach, skimming them up my sides, squeezing my tits. _Oh…my…God._

I saw him drag his gaze up and down my now naked body, and I swear I heard his breath catch in his throat. I stared at his mouth; he trailed his tongue across his lips – pink and puffy from our kisses. _God Edward. _Do you know how much I need you?

I leaned back on the bed and watched as Edward pulled his boxers off, kicking them into the pile of our clothes on the floor. And Edward naked was even more amazing than I remembered.

He looked at me then for a long moment, his dark eyes questioning, making sure I wanted to do this. And I answered silently, nodding, biting my lip, smiling.

He bent down quickly to retrieve a condom from the pocket of his jeans – the condom he _didn't _use earlier.

I watched as he tore the wrapper and rolled it down the length of his dick.

He stood at the edge of his bed, staring at me intensely. Then he nudged my knees apart and slid his hand down my thigh to my crotch and brushed a finger lightly between my folds, testing me.

And I was so wet…embarrassingly so. But he groaned – he actually _groaned_ when he touched me. "God Bella. I love to _feel _you… I love knowing how much you want me."

He moved between my legs and grabbed my hips, tugging me forward gently to the edge of his bed. He positioned himself at my entrance, just grazing my clit with his erection. I hissed through clenched teeth as he pushed the tip of his dick into me, teasing me. _More please._ I heard his breath catch and his eyes burned into me.

I almost snapped at him to just fucking do it already, but I kept my mouth shut. He couldn't wait any longer either because he grasped my hips firmly and, with a gasp, thrust into me.

I arched my back and pushed my hips against him as he pumped into me again. He moved slowly at first, at times coming all the way out before plunging into me entirely again.

I wrapped my legs tightly around his waist, wanting, needing to feel him deeper inside me. We were moaning and panting together now as he slid in and out again. And he grunted and said my name. _God._ The way his sex and velvet voice wrapped around the syllables was so freaking hot.

He slid his hand around my calf and hitched my leg up so my knee was against his chest. The position increased the glorious friction between us as he thrust into me again and again.

_Oh…my…fucking…God_.

"Shit, _Edward…_" I cried out, practically screaming. _Way_ too loud Bella. But I was beyond caring. Fuck, I wouldn't mind if his whole dorm knew what he was doing to me right now.

It felt so good with his hips pounding against me, feeling him inside me so completely. And the pleasure that was building was so intense. It was better than the first time. Was that was even possible? But I couldn't think about that. I couldn't think about anything except the sound of his uneven breathing and _Edward_ as he pushed his dick into me again.

I fisted my hands in his blankets and tried to control the noises escaping from my mouth, but I was so close, and it was impossible.

And then he cursed under his breath and said my name again, his voice jagged.

"Shit, Bella…I'm gonna cum…" and his words pushed me over the edge. A wave of heavenly blissful sensations coursed through my body from my stomach down my legs and up my spine. I clenched my eyes shut and probably moaned his name again, but I really didn't care.

He thrust into me once, twice more before I felt him jerk against me as he came too, shaking and groaning loudly. And I _love _the fact that I can make him feel like that.

He pulled out slowly, and we both struggled to catch our breath. Edward trailed his fingers lightly over my bare stomach and looked down at me for a few long moments, his dark eyes soft. He stroked a lock of damp hair from my forehead and smiled.

I stared back, drinking in his beautiful body… messy hair, flushed cheeks, full lips, perfect chest glistening under the faintest sheen of sweat…

"_Damn_ Bella, that was… Well," he continued shaking his head. "Let's just say I need a cigarette." God. Edward after sex was so fucking hot.

I laughed and watched as Edward pulled his boxers and jeans back over his hips.

"Care to join me?" he smiled crookedly and tossed my cami on the bed. I scrambled to pull my pajama pants back on and slip my top back over my head.

"Put on my hoodie," he said. "It might be cold."

I grabbed his gray sweatshirt off the back of his chair and put it on. He opened his window, and I eyed him skeptically as he began to climb out.

He smiled at me chuckling. "C'mon chicken, I'll help you. There's plenty of room out here."

Sure enough, the ledge outside his window was a good three feet wide. "It's like they started to put in balconies, but changed their minds," he explained as he lifted me through the open window.

We sat down and I snuggled up against him as he cupped his hand around his cigarette, lighting it. The air was crisp, but not uncomfortably cold. We sat silently for a few minutes, and I watched the orange glow and the smoke curl from his beautiful mouth.

"So, um, Reagan?" I finally ventured to ask.

"Yea…" he said, running a hand through his perfectly disheveled hair. "She's probably pretty pissed at me right now."

I smiled inwardly. "Well, I'd say I'm sorry about that, but I'm not."

He laughed softly. "Yea. I'm not really sorry either. She's a nice girl and all…"

I rolled my eyes and made a gagging noise.

Edward laughed again. "Okay, okay. Maybe she wasn't on her best behavior tonight. But she can be a lot of fun."

He must have felt me tense against him, because he wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me closer to his side. "Don't worry though, love. She doesn't really do it for me."

And I believed him…mostly.

"But tonight…" I paused, unsure if I even had the right to ask. "Tonight you were going to sleep with her."

He looked at me for a few moments, his eyes dark. "Yes. That was the plan. It was what she wanted at least. But we got to her room, and all I could think about was you Bella. You were in every corner of my mind, and I just couldn't do it. So, I told her I didn't feel well, and I left."

"Besides," he smiled rumpling my already tangled hair. "You're a much better lay."

I elbowed him in the ribs playfully, but I was doing a happy dance inside. _Take that bitch._

"And," he continued, "she always smells like vanilla body splash or some shit like that. And you, Bella, know I'm not a vanilla kind of guy…" he paused, taking a last drag off his cigarette, moist lips curling around the filter.

God. I could stare at his mouth for hours. And _again _with the ice cream reference. Next time I am definitely picking Carmel Sutra.

"So, Alice?" he asked, eying my pointedly.

"Oh. Yea. About that…she knows." He stared at me eyebrows raised, waiting for me to elaborate.

"Well, I didn't _tell _her or anything," I said defensively. "She heard us that night in your room. Evidently we weren't being all that discreet."

He laughed loudly. "No. I guess not." He didn't say anything else. Just sat there, smiling, remembering.

I felt the need to continue though. "I told her it was only a one time thing, so you don't have to worry or anything."

He looked at me for a few moments, his expression unreadable. But then his lips curved into an uneven smile, and he cupped my face with his hand. "Well, then I guess we'd better get you back to your couch, so she doesn't suspect anything."

He helped me back inside and kissed me softly once, twice, his lips lingering on mine for just a moment before pulling away. And I turned, walking out of his room, shutting the door behind me.

-------------------

**a/n: so where do you see their relationship headed? I doubt Edward is willing or ready to commit to anything at this point… What do you think?**

**Reviews are better than Edward's stereotypical college girls… And don't worry, Reagan doesn't understand them anyway. **

**P.S. I'm very blonde, so I mean no harm or offense… I'm just living vicariously through Bella right now :D**

**Thanks in advance for commenting! Violet **


	5. Compromising Positions

**Disclaimer**: I don't own _Twilight_. But I would love to own Edward. Rated **M** for mature content, foul language, and lemony smut. Please stop reading if you feel you might be offended.

**a/n: Thanks for all your comments and reviews. You literally make my day, and I truly appreciate it. **

-------------------

I woke up on my futon with the sun streaming through the window and into my eyes. I pulled the covers over my head and rolled over groaning. Ugh. _What the hell was that last night_?

Well, whatever it was, I am beyond fucked now. And not just in the sinfully delicious, I just fucked Edward Cullen again sense. But in the _fuck_, if I thought things were awkward between us before, how am I supposed to act around him now sense?

But there was no time for overanalyzing because I could hear Edward awake and moving around in his room. So, I pretended to be asleep as he walked through the sitting area and out the door. He was going to take a shower. That meant I had about fifteen more minutes to lay in bed and mentally prepare for talking to him.

When he reappeared a short time later, however, I could no longer pretend to sleep.

Edward paused at the end of my couch and smiled down at me. "Have a good night, love?"

I couldn't help but rake my eyes up and down his body. Bare chest, still glistening with moisture from his shower, flushed skin, pink lips, damp, disheveled hair, towel tied loosely around his hips…

He noticed my stares, and smiled crookedly.

"Yes. As a matter of fact, I did." I tried to keep my tone light. Somehow I managed to get the words out without gasping or spitting or blushing beat red. "And yourself?"

"Better than expected, actually," he responded in his sex and velvet voice. His lips curved into a deliciously wicked smirk, and my stomach tightened with anticipation. So freaking hot. _God. _Please go get dressed now Edward, before I follow you into your room and force you to do me again.

He turned and disappeared into his bedroom, but he deliberately left the door open. I couldn't help but stare as he let his towel fall to the floor and stood there naked, running a hand through his wet hair. _O…my…God_.

I tried my best to be discreet, but he knew damn well that I was watching. I mean, what else would I be doing? _And what the hell was he playing at?_

I gasped as he turned toward me to walk to his dresser. Naked Edward Cullen is still the hottest thing you could ever see. Breathe, Bella. Breathe.

He caught me gawking. I averted my eyes when he looked directly at me, but it was too late. I blushed crimson. His lips curved into that wickedly uneven smile, and he bucked his hips at me twice playfully. _O…my…God_.

_Shit_ Edward. What are you trying to do to me? But, of course, he knew _exactly _what he was doing, and it was working. Thank God he didn't know how incredibly wet I was at that very moment. But then again, I could see his dick harden slightly, so he probably had a pretty good idea how hot he could make me.

I rolled over and watched him openly now. I mean, why not? He was the one, after all, who'd left his door wide open. And he sure took his sweet time pulling his boxers on. He glanced back at me once more before walking to his computer to check his email, and I stared as he leaned over his desk. Perfect shoulders, perfect back, perfect hips, perfect ass. Stop Bella.

But then he turned around again and, running a hand through that perfectly tousled bronze hair, looked right at me.

So I took a chance.

And part of me was screaming at the top of my mental lungs: _What on earth do you think you're doing Bella?! _But this had already gone _way_ too far...

So I rolled out of bed, glancing at Edward out of the corner of my eye. He was standing at his dresser, shirt in hand, and he paused, watching.

And I had two options, grab my clothes, blush profusely, and hightail it to the bathroom, or…

I took a deep breath and stole a glimpse at him quickly. I knew if my eyes met his I would lose my nerve. He was staring at me intently, waiting.

Slowly, I hooked my thumbs in the band of my pajama pants and pulled them down over my slender legs and off my ankles, kicking them into a pile by my bag.

I held my breath and tried to keep my heart from racing. I did not look at Edward but knew he was watching. I kept my head down as I pulled my tank top up. I could feel his eyes on me, as I slowly revealed the creamy skin of my belly before peeling the cami over my breasts and off my head.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him openly watching me now, his eyes wide with desire. I slid my fingers up my stomach and cupped my breasts in my hands before turning to face him. I could actually hear his breath hitch, as he watched from his bedroom. Score one for seductive Bella.

"_Bella_?" he questioned, his voice laced with want. But I ignored him and bent down to dig through my bag for my clothes. I grabbed my jeans and stood up, shaking my long hair out of my ponytail and letting it fall over my shoulders and down my back.

"Bella?" Edward repeated, his voice low and unnaturally even.

I turned, crossing my arms across my chest. "Hmmm?" I responded innocently.

"Would you come in here for a minute please?"

I could hear my pulse pounding in my ears, but took a deep breath, trying to compose myself. I exhaled shakily and, hands covering my breasts, walked slowly into his room.

"Bella, I don't know what you're trying to do to me." Edward spoke softly, his eyes burning. "But, it _seems_ as though you're trying to get me to take you again right here, right now…" He licked his lips and ran his eyes up and down my body.

"But, Emmett and Alice are awake, and we have to leave for breakfast in a few minutes. Which is," he continued smugly, "not _nearly _enough time for me to do everything I want to do to you." He took a step closer to me and smiled as my breath caught in my throat.

"So, I think…maybe…you're just trying to drive me crazy…make me want you when you know I can't have you."

I sucked in a breath and allowed my eyes to fall from his mouth to his perfectly muscled chest and bare abs, and then down to that sexy V between his hipbones. My gaze dropped to the front of his boxers, now tight against his erection.

I nodded once and took another step toward him, dropping my hands to my hips. He groaned softly, fixing his eyes on my now exposed tits and running his tongue across his lips again. "_Shit Bella…"_

For once, I felt like I was in control of the situation…this lust-driven, positively fucked up thing we have. But, for once, I felt like I could bring him to his knees.

So instead, I dropped to mine.

Edward gasped, staring down at me, while I ran my fingers lightly up his legs to the inside of his thighs. I paused, my hands just below his crotch, and looked up the length of his body, wetting my lips suggestively. Edward stared down at me, eyes wide, his moist lips pink with arousal. Then, his hand was at his waist, tugging his boxers down just over his hips, releasing his now very hard cock.

I curled my fingers around his dick and slowly slid my hand up the shaft, pushing my palm against the tip, moistening my fingers, before sliding my hand down again. He groaned and moved his hips with the motion of my hand.

I leaned over, well aware that his door was still wide open, and exhaled a warm breath, before pressing my lips to the head of his cock. He groaned, louder this time and rocked forward slightly, threading his fingers through my hair.

"Bella, wait…" he breathed. "Alice…Emmett…" but I swirled my tongue around the tip of his dick, and his words dissolved into an incoherent mumble. "_Fuck…"_

God. I love it when he swears, and, in response, I sucked him into my mouth, moving my lips down the length of his dick, pressing my tongue against him. I heard him growl, deep in his chest, and it was the sexiest sound in the world. I kept my hand squeezed tightly around the base of his cock, and slid my mouth back up his shaft, flicking the tip with my tongue.

"_Mmmmm… Bella_." I looked up at him through my eyelashes. Edward's jaw was clenched and his eyes were shut tightly.

I bobbed my head, and he groaned loudly again when his dick hit the back of my throat.

I slid my hands up to his ass, moaning around his dick, and he moved his hips slightly, thrusting into my mouth. I grabbed his ass, forcing him in and out again, as I sucked hard, pressing my tongue against his dick. I looked up at him again, his chest was heaving with jagged breaths, and he bit his bottom lip. Given our location and the proximity to his siblings, he was clearly doing his best to control his moans.

But I couldn't care less. I sucked harder, tugging his hips to me, forcing him deeper into my throat. And he wove his fingers in my hair more tightly, pulling my head gently in opposition to his thrusts.

I could tell he was close because he jerked his hips against my mouth and his knees gave a little bit.

"Bella…" he grunted, sucking in a quick breath. "Shit…you're gonna make me cum." He tugged at my hair again gently, trying to give me an out, but fuck that. I just sucked him into my mouth again entirely, sliding my tongue along the length of his shaft. I pumped my hand against his slick cock and let my teeth just graze the head.

"Holy…shit" he hissed, and he moved his hand slightly, guiding my head into him again. I moaned loudly, keeping my lips closed tightly around his dick, allowing the vibrations of my mouth to push him over the edge. His muscles trembled and his eyes flashed open.

His entire body tensed, and I felt his dick pulse against my lips as he came into my mouth. And then we heard it: Emmett's booming voice shouting from his room. "Edward, Bella! Time to go."

"Holy shit!" Edward hissed, pulling away quickly as I tried to swallow. He ran his hand across my chin, doing his best to wipe my face clean. But we had bigger problems.

I was still naked, save my underwear, and I could hear Emmett's door open that very second. "Quick, over there!" Edward whispered, as he pulled his boxers back up and grabbed his jeans from the floor.

I ducked behind his door, as he pulled his pants up and grabbed a shirt from the dresser.

Edward walked into the common room to meet his brother and Alice, and I could hear them talking from my hiding place.

"Yea, I think Bella ran to the bathroom to change. She'll be up soon," Edward lied smoothly. "You two go on ahead. I'll wait for her here. We'll catch up in a minute."

Emmett agreed, but Alice complained loudly. "Screw that Edward. We can all wait. I don't want to be rude." _Damn_. Alice was clearly still pissed at Edward about last night. Breakfast would be interesting.

"Nah…" Edward insisted. "We're running a bit late as is. You two go get in line at the dining hall and save us a place. We'll catch up soon." He sounded convincing.

Alice made to complain again, but Emmett cut in. "Edward's right, Allie. We need to get going. C'mon. They'll be right behind us." And, thankfully, I heard them leave the room and shut the door.

"You can come out now." Edward laughed softly, as I emerged from his room.

"That…could have been, um, awkward…" I stammered, blushing.

He chuckled and then smiled wickedly. "Yea. Definitely. Now get dressed so we can get to breakfast before Alice comes back looking for you." He raked his eyes up and down my body once more, before disappearing into his room to collect his things for class.

"Oh, and Bella…" he stuck his head back out of his door. "I'm _not _done with you yet." He winked, lips curving into that characteristic smirk before turning his back to me once again.

And I stood there, practically hyperventilating, dripping a puddle in my undies, and trying to remember what the hell I was supposed to be doing.

Oh. Yea. Get dressed. I could do that. Breathe Bella. Just breathe.

-------------------

Edward and I walked silently to the dining hall. It was as though, when we crossed the threshold of his room, we entered the world where we were just old friends. And I was okay with that I guess. Or, at least I told myself I was. I mean, it was far less complicated that way, right?

Edward clearly wasn't looking for a relationship, and he certainly wasn't looking for one with me. Frankly, I had no fucking idea what he was looking for, but he did say that he wasn't done with me yet… and I suppose that was something.

At least I could almost be his for just a little longer, even if we had to sneak around like we were doing something shameful or wrong.

And I knew that, if he weren't fucking me, God knows he'd be off doing someone else. So, like I've always said, I'll take what I can get. If he wants me once more before I leave, well, I'm all his. And if he wants to keep it a secret from Em and Alice, then so be it. Who am I to say otherwise?

Edward practically ignored me while we stood in line for breakfast. He joked around with Emmett, as they made lewd gestures behind some girl's back. Alice elbowed Emmett in the ribs, hard, and made a gagging noise when he turned to glare at her.

"Aww…c'mon Allie... Can't we have a little fun?" Then he leaned in to whisper to us, "and, have you _ever _seen such obscenely large tits?" I laughed too loudly, and Edward winked at me, flashing a discreet smile. Damn. He is so hot.

Alice just rolled her eyes at Em and glared scathingly at Edward. God. If looks could kill…

I was beyond impressed with the breakfast options. Pancakes, eggs, build your own omelets, breakfast tacos, waffles, anything you like. I must have looked a little overwhelmed because Edward moved to my side and, placing his hand on the small of my back, spoke in a low voice so that no one else could hear. "See anything you like?"

I couldn't help but notice the silent innuendo dripping from his words, as he locked his eyes on mine. I gulped loudly and nodded, biting my lip.

Edward's eyes fell to my mouth for just an instant, before he turned back to the cafeteria lady. "We'll both have eggs scrambled with cheese, bacon, and a biscuit." He smiled sweetly, and I think I saw the server blush as she made our plates. Damn. That boy could dazzle anyone.

I could feel Alice glaring daggers at our backs, as we took our trays and walked to the checkout line. Edward grabbed two orange juices on the way, and I followed him to a table to sit down.

I couldn't help but notice that he sat down opposite to me. Sexual tension and innuendo aside, we were _not_ together out here.

Alice certainly didn't waste any time once she sat down. She began berating Edward instantly. "So, Eddie," she glared. "Did you have fun last night?" He voice was like steel, laced with vitriol. Emmett was suddenly very interested in his omelet.

"Why yes Alice. I did." Edward answered curtly. "Thanks so much for asking." He glared at her, green eyes flashing darkly. "You know, now that I think about it, last night might have been the best night I've had in a long time." He locked his eyes on hers coldly, refusing to break her stare.

I nearly choked on my orange juice, but then I felt his foot brush against mine under the table. I glanced at him through my dark eyelashes and saw his eyes flicker to mine for an instant, before he looked back to Alice.

"Well, I'm glad you had fun," she spat. "But I hope you wore a rubber. Wouldn't want you to catch anything nasty from Sorority Bimbo Barbie." Alice smiled sweetly at her brother -- sickeningly sweet.

"Yes," he responded, mimicking Alice's fake sugary tone. "I did. Always do actually. But thanks for the concern. It means so much to me, sis." His voice was like acid now, and he twisted his lips into a sadistic little smile.

"Last night, though," Edward continued, his eyes burning into Alice's. "I probably didn't even need to. She's not that kind of girl. And _damn _would it be nice to just _be _inside her…"

I gasped loudly and looked down, shoving a forkful of eggs into my mouth, trying to hide my reaction. Alice looked at me and patted my back. Of course, she just thought I was upset because they were discussing, in great detail, Edward's most recent sexual experience.

He looked at me again, smiling crookedly, eyes smoldering.

"So, um," Emmett interjected awkwardly. "Edward and I need to get to class now. I'm off to Medieval European History, and Eddie's got Modern Lit. or some shit like that. You girls are welcome to join us."

Alice smiled warmly at Em. "Yea. Totally, we'd love to. What'd ya got after history?"

"Oh, it's even better," Emmett smiled widely. "I've got Life Drawing, and we're working from models today." He lowered his voice and looked at us suggestively. "We get to draw _naked _girls…"

Alice smirked, and I blushed.

"C'mon Bells," Alice patted my knee. "Let's go with Emmett."

I felt Edward's foot rub against mine under the table again, and I looked up at him. His eyes were guarded, but his lips curved into the slightest of smiles.

"Actually, Alice, I think I'd rather go with Edward, if that's okay. You know I prefer English to history."

Alice gaped at me; I think her jaw actually dropped to the table. Edward couldn't help but chuckle softly at her reaction.

"Bella, honey, you don't have to do that." She glared at Edward, her eyes still acidic.

"I know." I said resolutely. "But I'd like to. How bout I meet up with you guys in art. Naked drawing sounds kinda hot." I smiled and looked at Edward suggestively. I heard his breath hitch, but he recovered quickly.

"Yea. I can walk you there after my English class." And it was settled.

We left the dining hall together, but quickly separated, as Emmett walked Alice toward the history building, and I followed Edward to the English department.

When we were a safe distance apart, I worked up the nerve to speak. "So, best night in a while?" I questioned, my voice casual.

He looked at me. "Maybe." His eyes flashed and he smiled mischievously. My cheeks burned.

"But I'm holding out for better." He stopped, taking my hand, and spun me to face him. "Just you wait Bella Swan. You have no idea what you've gotten yourself into." He chuckled when I swallowed noisily, but we walked the rest of the way in silence.

-------------------

I really enjoyed Edward's Modern English class. We sat off to the side, but near the front of the room. There were probably eighty other students in attendance, so the teacher did not notice one addition.

They were discussing T.S. Eliot: "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock." I'd seen this piece before, not because we'd studied it, but because Edward had read it to me once. It was one of his favorites. Today, he lent me his copy, but was still able to participate more than anyone else. I could tell the professor was impressed with his comments. And, damn, so was I.

Did I mention how freakishly smart Edward Cullen is?

At one point, the professor and Edward were literally carrying on an independent conversation, practically ignoring the rest of the class. The teacher had suggested that Eliot places Prufrock in a kind of hell on Earth. After all, American modernist attitudes stress disillusionment, wasted lives, and empty dreams.

But Edward argued that Prufrock was actually in Hell. "Afterall, Professor Balbert," Edward asserted. "The allusion to Dante at the beginning of the piece, clearly places Prufrock within the context of a _physical _hell. And then we note all the references to murky, yellow, poisonous air. We know that Dante associates Hell with unclean air."

"Why yes, Mr. Cullen," his professor responded. But could Eliot not simply be referring to a rather unpleasant earthly location? After all, our Mr. Prufrock is quite the unhappy gentleman."

"Perhaps," Edward countered. "But then again, we cannot ignore the shift in tenses. Initially, he states that there _is_ time… _Time for you and time for me, / And time yet for a hundred indecisions, / And for a hundred visions and revisions, / Before the taking of a toast and tea…_" he quoted perfectly, without even referencing the poem on my desk.

The teacher listened patiently, clearly interested in what Edward had to say.

"But then," the sex god beside me continued, "we see the 'eternal footman' and all of the sudden our Prufrock is asking if it '_would' _have been worth it…_past _conditional tense. It's as if he missed his chance of doing anything of value during his life because he was afraid to act. And now the opportunity is gone."

Edward and his Professor went back and forth like that for quite some time. I sat there, resting my head on my hand, practically drooling. God. Edward was so sexy when he talked like that.

I actually took a few notes. I know we're studying Eliot at some point in English this year. And it took my mind off envisioning Edward stripping me down, bending me over a desk, and fucking me right then and there. Damn. I was wet just thinking about it. Stop Bella. Focus. Breathe.

I noticed that I wasn't the only girl staring at and no doubt fantasizing about Edward. Half the females in the room were drooling over him at that very moment and probably devising ways to get his attention after class.

But I wasn't about to let _that _happen. After all, he was flirting with me during breakfast; I needed to keep his attention appropriately directed. So I scribbled a few words on the edge of my notebook paper and pushed the sheet to the corner of my desk for him to see.

_You have no idea how hot you make me. I am so wet right now...wanting you._

He glanced down at the note and then over to me, eyes wide. I smiled suggestively and dropped my hand to my lap. His eyes fell to my crotch, and I saw him shift uncomfortably in his seat. Good. He wanted me too.

He scribbled back quickly: _Screw life drawing. I'm fucking you as soon as we get out of here._

My breath caught, and I felt another flood of warmth rush through my body. Wetness pooled between my legs, and I was quite possibly leaking through my jeans at that very moment, but I didn't give a shit. All I could think about was Edward.

A million thoughts were flooding through my head. _What the hell Bella? _Is this really what you want? what you want to become? Bella Swan. Former best friend, now fuck toy. He doesn't want a relationship. _He doesn't want a relationship. _

I mean, think about it Bella. Has he ever? I mentally flipped through all the girls Edward has been with over the years. He never actually _dated_ any of them. Hell. I don't even think he went out with any of them more than once unless he was, a.) still trying to get laid, or b.) looking for a repeat fuck.

Did I actually think I'd be any different? No. Of course not. Don't delude yourself Bella. I repeated those words for like the thousandth time. I'd never expected anything from this. And I'd convinced myself that I was pretty much okay with that. Take what you can get and all that jazz.

And, honestly, I'd gotten more than I ever anticipated, ever hoped for. So why did I suddenly have this feeling that it wasn't good enough?

Stop Bella. Don't do this. Don't screw this up. Because I am still excessively happy with our fucked up situation… After all, I've _had _these amazing experiences with Edward.

To feel love… even simply the misconception, the deception of it while he fucks me. The connection, the intimacy, the closeness in the moment is very very real – even if only temporary.

I glanced at him again, pushing those thoughts from my head, focusing on the moment. I ran my tongue across my lip; his eyes were trained on my mouth, my tongue. I watched as he moved his hand to his pocket, adjusting himself. And just like that, I was back to the reality of our situation. _Oh…my…God… _when was this class over.

Thankfully, the teacher excused us minutes later, thanking the class for a "stimulating" conversation. Yes. It was stimulating all right.

Edward grabbed my hand and pulled me from the room. I followed breathlessly, as he led me down the hall in the opposite direction of most of the other students. We turned the corner into a nearly empty corridor. A few students were still milling around, talking to their professors after class, waiting for friends, but we were mostly alone. Mostly.

Edward wrapped an arm around my waist and walked me backward, pinning me against the wall, pressing his body to mine. He kissed me deeply, sucking my bottom lip into his mouth, darting his tongue out, pushing it into my mouth.

"Edward…" I panted into his mouth. "Your…room…"

He kissed me harder, as his hands moved down to clutch at my ass. "Later..." he kept his mouth glued to mine, punctuating each kiss with words. "I… want …to… feel… you…now."

I pulled away, gasping for breath, and he tilted my head to the side, sucking, licking, kissing, biting. I moaned loudly, eliciting a stare from a passing student, but I was beyond caring. I fisted my hands in his t-shirt, pulling him closer to me still.

He rocked his hips against me, and I felt him move one hand between us. He began rubbing me roughly through my jeans. I moaned again, louder this time, and he sucked the lobe of my ear into his wet mouth. _O…my…God._

Part of me realized that I probably shouldn't be doing this right here, right now, in the deserted hallway outside his English classroom, but his fingers felt so good, and I was so wet, and he was so damn hot.

He moved his fingers faster, and I parted my legs slightly, rubbing myself against him. I could feel his dick, huge and hard, and pressed against my hip, and he grunted into my neck as we rubbed our crotches against each other.

I heard someone approaching us, but didn't think anything of it. It's not like I knew anyone here, or really cared what anybody thought. Besides, I was too caught up in the moment and the pleasure of it all.

But then I heard a muffled "What the fuck…?" followed shortly by laughter. We both froze, and I turned my head slowly.

There, standing not three feet away, was Emmett, an enormous freaking grin on his face.

"Good class I presume?" he asked, still smiling hugely.

"Yea." Edward responded. He paused for a long moment before continuing. "What the fuck, Em? What are you doing here?" He stepped away from me, but kept one arm around my waist. I stared at my feet; my cheeks felt like they were on fire. Needless to say, I was beyond mortified.

"Well," Emmett continued calmly, "I walk past this building on my way to art, and I knew Bella wanted to come too, so I figured I'd pick her up." He spoke casually, as if it were completely typical to run across his brother humping some girl shamelessly in a public, albeit deserted hallway. Actually, now that I think about it, it probably wasn't all that out of the ordinary.

"Where's Alice?" Edward asked coolly. I could tell he was a bit pissed off at being interrupted by his brother.

"Bathroom." Emmett motioned behind him. "So, um, Bella," he eyed me curiously. "You still coming to draw naked people with Allie and me? Or, did you, um, have something…else in mind."

_Jesus Christ…kill me now. _I blushed a deeper shade of red – if that was even possible – and mumbled something that may or may not have sounded like "Yea…I'm still coming," before extricating myself from Edward's arms.

Edward looked at me with mild disappointment in his eyes, but smoothed his expression almost immediately. He leaned down briefly, brushing a stand of hair off my cheek. "Later…" he breathed. And, before I even had time to register what he'd said, Edward turned and walked quickly down the hall, disappearing around the corner.

And I was left standing there alone with Emmett. Awkward.

After a few moments, he broke the silence. "You know Bells, your business is your business, but you of all people know Edward." He looked at me thoughtfully, his eyes soft, his expression concerned.

"Yea." I mumbled.

"Well, just know what you're getting into." He paused for a moment, considering his words carefully. "Sometimes there's a lot to be said for face value. And he's not going to change."

I nodded dumbly. "Yea. I know Em. Thanks for the concern, really. But we were just messing around."

He smiled again and chuckled softly. "Sure, sure. I understand."

"Oh, and could you maybe not tell Alice? I don't want her to freak about nothing."

Emmett laughed, louder this time. "Of course not. I've caught Eddie in a million compromising positions. It doesn't even faze me any more. Your secret is safe." He slung his arm around my shoulder and led me down the hall. We met Alice as she exited the bathroom, and she flashed me a smile.

"Ready for some nakedness Bella?"

I had to smile. "Of course."

Emmett chuckled and I couldn't help but think that he knew his art class nudity wasn't _exactly _the nakedness I had in mind. But he didn't say anything. He'd keep his promise.

And, as we walked, I made a mental note to ask Edward about some of the other "compromising positions" his brother had found him in.

-------------------

**a/n: Edward still wants Bella (in a mostly physical sense) but now he's worried that he needs to do something to throw his brother's suspicions off… Wouldn't want Emmett to think there was actually something between himself and Bella now, would he?**

**Review! It's better than Eddie and Bella's dirty little secret…**

**Now for a shameless plug: read my other story. It's worth it :D**

**Love ya, Violet**


	6. Palm Prints

**Disclaimer**: I don't own _Twilight_. But I would love to own Edward. Rated **M** for mature content, foul language, and smut. Please stop reading if you feel you might be offended.

**a/n: I wrote this on notebook paper at my desk while my students were studying for their exams. I have to admit, it didn't feel entirely appropriate...but I think that just makes it all the better :D Please tell me what you think! **

-------------------

Emmett's life drawing class was interesting to say the least. The teacher had set up easels around a central platform where the model would stand. Alice bounced on her toes, clearly excited about what the next hour would entail. I cowered behind Emmett, embarrassed even at the _concept_ of drawing a naked person.

The class was much smaller than Edward's English class had been, so Em made a point to introduce us to his professor. She was absurdly welcoming and set us up with borrowed supplies, expressing her sincere delight in our interest in art and the University of Washington.

Alice was charming as always, and I managed to blush and nod.

And then the model appeared.

She was 30ish, thin, attractive, angular – a good form for drawing, Emmett informed us in a hushed whisper. "And, _God_, she's much better looking than the one from last class. She was old and wrinkly." Emmett grimaced; it looked like he had a very bad taste in his mouth. "I mean, it forced us to focus on lines and shadows, I guess, but it was brutal to stare at her for an hour."

I blushed a deeper shade of crimson when the model positioned herself on the platform and dropped her robe to the floor. I can stare at Edward for hours. I've let him strip me down with minimal reservation, but when it comes to objectively observing the female form… _Sheesh _Bella. Grow up all ready.

The teacher informed us that this would be a thirty-minute pose and instructed us to begin. I took a deep breath and…stared.

I've never been artistic and, honestly, I had no clue what to do or where to begin. After a while, I started to worry that I was _looking _too much -- too closely -- but that was absurd. She was a model. And she was here for us to observe, scrutinize, and draw.

Alice was a natural. Her pencil practically flew across the tablet, as she danced around her easel, marking here, smudging there. The figure quickly emerged on her page…beautiful in its abstraction. I'm not sure it looked anything at all like the model, but it was perfect nonetheless. Her picture was alive with exquisite lines, sweeping here, curving there, and then plummeting in dangerous spirals and grandiose arabesques.

And I couldn't help but smile at how intensely focused Emmett was through the entire operation. His beautiful features pinched in concentration, as he eyed the model. He extended his arm, checking the scale of the form before painstakingly marking each line. His technique was not nearly as fluid or graceful as his sister's, but his drawing wasn't half bad.

I was impressed.

And, then, looking at my blank tablet, I was embarrassed.

So I closed my eyes and…just drew. I allowed my hand to guide me, not really looking at the paper in front of me. The pastels the teacher had given me were soft and creamy. Aesthetically pleasing in their tactile nature.

And they made drippy colors like a paper cut leaking slowly across the edge of the page, off my finger and down my arm. And, of course, I was thinking of Edward the entire time. _I would pour my soul out to you…_ But that would ruin everything of course, so I keep my mouth shut.

_Crap_. This art shit is messing with my psyche. Snap out of it Bella.

And then he texted me.

_What are you doing? _He knew of course, but I smiled and felt just a bit risqué as I told him.

_Drawing a naked girl. _

_Is she hot? _ Yep. Total Edward.

_Kinda. What are you doing? _ I was curious; he didn't have a second class like Emmett today.

_Jerking off… picturing you with my dick in your mouth. _

Oh…my…fucking…God. He did not just say that. But it's Edward. Of course he did. Now I'm wet again, thinking of Edward, thinking of Edward naked, thinking of Edward thinking of me…

_Be here in 5 minutes _he demanded.

Well, you can't say he's not direct. But it just made me want him even more. And I wasn't anywhere near Edward's hands, or lips, or… Stop Bella. Deep breaths. I checked the clock. We still had a few minutes left.

_Give me 10._

_Don't keep me waiting Bella Swan. _

-------------------

Edward opened the door before I'd even finished knocking. He flashed me a wicked smile and pulled me into his room. He slammed his door behind us, pinning me against it. We didn't speak. I guess we didn't need to. We both wanted the same thing, and it was arousing and sexy as hell that neither of us could wait.

He fastened his lips to mine and kissed me roughly, biting, sucking on my lip and pushing his tongue into my mouth. He pressed his hips forcefully against mine. I felt his dick respond instantly.

Edward didn't waste any time.

I leaned my head back against the door as his thumb flicked the button of my jeans open easily. He yanked my zipper down quickly. The movement was harsh, needy…and incredibly erotic. I shimmied out of my jeans, kicking them aside as he reclaimed my mouth with his.

His hands were at his waist, unbuttoning, unzipping, tugging his jeans down over his hips.

I pulled my boyshorts down, and he slipped a hand between my legs, groaning when he felt how ridiculously wet I was.

"_Damn_ Bella..."

I wanted him inside me. I wanted him to know that I could make him feel this way. And I wanted to purge his body of all the Reagans he'd fucked before and after me.

And I wanted to be the only one. But since I couldn't have that, I wanted him now.

I moaned and swore under my breath when he lifted me by the hips and pushed me into the door.

He spoke and his voice sent sparks through my already electrified body. "I'm going to fuck you so hard Bella. _My_Bella. And you're going to scream my name until I make you come."

_My _Bella. I was his. If only for a few moments.

"God…_Please _Edward…"

And I wrapped my legs tightly around his waist, and he pushed into me with a groan.

His fingers dug into my ass as he held me up, pulling out and slamming back into me again. I dropped my head on his shoulder, sweeping my tongue along his throat in a long, wet streak. I smiled against his neck when he moaned appreciatively in response.

My breathing was becoming embarrassingly erratic, but he gasped as he thrust into me again and again. His knees shook from my weight and…I think from the pleasure of it all.

"Put me down Edward," I hissed through clenched teeth, and we both collapsed to the floor. He managed to stay inside me as he rolled over on top of me. He grabbed my calf and hitched my leg up so my knee was against his chest, allowing him to thrust deeper inside me. I moaned too loudly as he pushed into me again faster now.

The rhythmic movement of his thrusts rocked my body back and forth, and I could feel the carpet rubbing roughly against my back. But the pain only amplified the pleasure, and my head was full of ecstasy and Edward.

He groaned into my neck, and I arched my back, lifting my hips off the floor and forcing him even deeper inside of me.

_Oh my fucking shit… _He filled me so completely. I could feel him in my stomach, and my muscles clenched and spasmed and it was so incredibly divine. He pumped into me again roughly, scraping my back against the floor. That would leave a mark, but I didn't care.

Edward grabbed my hands, lacing our fingers together and pinning our linked hands against the floor above my head. _"Mmmmm…_" I moaned his name. I could no longer help the sounds coming out of my mouth, but he always seemed to like it.

"Louder," he breathed into my neck, and I complied, practically screaming "Edward" like I knew he wanted.

I was vulnerable and completely exposed, but I loved it. It felt just right. And even though the sex was rough and needy and driven by lust, the connection between us was there. And not just in the sense that he was physically inside me.

We were joined in the closest way two people could be together, with his body pressed against mine, as he pushed himself inside of me. But the intimacy, too, was real. I could feel it, and I knew he could feel it too because he looked at me intensely, locking my eyes on mine. And there was emotion and tender and longing and lust and…love. Even for a second, but it was there, and it practically undid me.

My head lolled to the side, and I think my eyes rolled back into my eyelids a little bit as I moaned his name again. I had absolutely no volume control anymore. "Harder," I panted. "Harder Edward, please…_fuck." _I sounded depraved or something, but the filter between my body and my brain and my mouth was gone.

And my mind was completely blank, as he pushed me closer to the brink of bliss.

His head fell to my shoulder, and his mouth was on my neck, licking, sucking, biting…hard. But when his lips latched onto that sensitive spot below my ear, that was it.

And I was gone.

My hips jerked, and my back arched as I came. Edward thrust into me once, twice more, and I felt his whole body tense. He convulsed on top of me as he came too, murmuring something that kind of sounded like my name, and then he relaxed onto me, breathing heavily.

After a few moments, he rolled over, pulling out of me slowly. We lay there for a long time, side-by-side, shoulder pressed against shoulder, chests heaving, our gasps filling the silence as we tried to control our breathing.

And I turned my head just to stare at him…drink him in. And, _damn_, he was gorgeous. Flushed skin, flushed cheeks, pink lips. His eyes were closed, and it was all I could do not to reach out and touch him…brush my fingers over his lips, his eyelids, his perfect forehead gleaming with just a faint sheen of sweat.

Finally, I rolled over and, sliding my underwear and jeans back up, tried to stand. I wobbled horridly and had to reach out to grab his bed for support. Edward pulled his pants on and sat up, eyeing intently and chuckling softly.

"Can you walk, love? Or did my amazing sex skills make you forget how?"

I flicked him off, and he laughed louder. "You wish, Romeo."

"Well then," he retorted. "I'll just have to try harder next time."

"Next time?" I whispered, liking the sound of that.

He just nodded, teeth pressing into his soft lower lip. The sight distracted me momentarily, but then I managed to regain my balance and walk – slowly – to his mirror, well aware that Edward's eyes were still on me.

I shook my ponytail out, staring at myself in the glass. I certainly looked like I'd just been fucked senseless on the bedroom floor. I groaned loudly and ran my fingers through my hair, attempting to tame the wild curls. But, I had to settle for tying it back up instead. I could see Edward in the mirror smirking at me, as I piled my hair into a messy knot. "Well," I complained, "it's your fault."

My eyes fell to my neck and I fingered the emerging circular bruise there. "Shit Eddie, that's gonna be dark." I glared at him, but I really wasn't angry. How could I be when my legs, my body, my _mind _was still numb with pleasure?

And he just smiled that crooked smile. "I'd say I'm sorry, but I'm not." He spoke casually, stealing my line from the night before when I truly wasn't sorry that I'd stolen Edward away from his blonde de jour.

"Then I guess I can't forgive you," I teased, pursing my lips together and putting my hands on my hips. "But I didn't bring any turtlenecks, and Alice is bound to notice this." I rubbed the incriminating mark again, wincing dramatically.

"You can cover it with your hair," he added helpfully. And I nodded and had to smile – he was just too damn cute.

Edward picked himself sinuously up off the floor and walked over to me, wrapping his arms around my waist from behind and pulling me back against his chest. I sighed contentedly as he lightly trailed his fingers over the bruise on my throat and then gently pressed his lips to my skin.

"So…" he breathed into my neck. "What did you tell Alice and Emmett to get away from them after art?"

I twisted in his arms, turning toward him and snuggling closer to his body.

"I told them that I wanted to fuck their brother," I responded with all the sincerity I could muster.

Edward's eyes widened in shock. "You what?"

I couldn't help but burst into laughter at his response. "No, no silly boy." I pressed my lips to his once more. "I told them that you'd promised me a lunch date."

He kissed me again, clearly relieved, and trailed his tongue along my lip. "And did you get your money's worth?" he asked.

I nodded. "Emmett might be on to us though."

"Yes." Edward chuckled. "He might be."

-------------------

Afterward, we curled up on the couch together. He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me close to his body. It was a gentle, affectionate gesture, and, for once, I let myself pretend. This was what it should be like if I were with him. And, after the raw intensity of the sex, this intimacy was just as pleasurable.

For a little while, it felt like we were actually together, and I could feel the closeness we used to have before everything else got in the way. He pressed his mouth to my hair and brushed his thumb across my cheek, before sliding it along my lip. I sighed contentedly and his arms tightened around me.

"So, how was life drawing?" he asked after a few minutes. "Or, should I ask, what were you thinking about before I texted you?"

I knew what he was fishing for. He wanted me to tell him how much I'd wanted him after he'd left me in the hallway. And it was true of course, but I wasn't about to give him the satisfaction. "Sunsets." I responded matter-of-factly.

"Sunsets?" I could hear the curiosity in his voice. Good. I had effectively piqued his interest.

"Yes. Sunsets."

"Please enlighten me." He tilted his head, waiting patiently.

"Well, the class was slightly…awkward…and I was trying to distract myself." I could feel myself blush as he eyed me curiously.

"Awkward?" he prompted.

"Yes. Awkward," I repeated. "That whole _naked_ drawing thing, you know…" He could obviously sense some irritation in my tone because he smirked at me. I folded my arms across my chest and glared at him crossly.

"Why Bella Swan," he started, still smirking devilishly. "You have no qualms about letting me fuck you senseless while my siblings sleep one room away, but when it comes to drawing from a model…" He smiled that crooked smile, and I could tell he was quite pleased with himself. And, if he weren't so freaking sexy, or if I wasn't so completely satisfied right now, I might have been angry. But I wasn't.

"But I'm so sorry to interrupt, love. You were saying…" he waved his hand as if I should continue, "sunsets?"

"Yes," I paused, suddenly a little self-conscious, which was ridiculous because I used to tell him everything. So, I took a breath and continued. "The sunsets get more and more glorious as the year comes to a close…trying to make up for something I guess. And I was thinking about those evenings when we were back in Forks together, and our eyes were hard pressed to find a colorful ray in the sky…until the clouds just disappeared, and it was like everything just fell into place. Everything in its right place…" I repeated softly, simultaneously hoping and not hoping that he understood.

He was staring at me intently now, his gorgeous features soft. "I think about the time we used to spend together too, you know…" His voice trailed off and we sat silently for a few long moments.

But the connection between us was fast becoming too intense, and it was making him uncomfortable. He didn't pull away, but chuckled softly, effectively breaking the tension. "So, aside from…sunsets, how was Emmett's art class?" I could hear the familiar smirk creep back into his voice.

I laughed too. "I was mostly just uncomfortable the whole time," I confided.

"So you don't enjoy drawing naked people?"

"Naked person," I corrected. "There was only one. And, in all honesty, no. Not at all. And _then _you started texting me, and all I could think about was you and…sex. And _that _really didn't help me focus. God Edward, I was _so _turned on." I blushed, but I knew it's what he wanted to hear.

"Really?" he cupped my chin in his hand, angling my face toward his. His lips curved into my favorite smile and his eyes burned darkly into mine.

"Well, that's what you wanted, wasn't it?" I accused.

He nodded, ever so slightly.

I pulled away, pouting dramatically. "It wasn't very nice you know. There I was, trying to focus on the naked girl in front of me, but all I could think about was you…" I blushed a deeper shade of crimson. "You doing…very inappropriate things to me. And I must have been practically hyperventilating in the art room because Alice was laughing at me, and Emmett suggested that I should go get a drink of water. But I think they just assumed I was embarrassed about the naked model. Well, Alice did at least. I'm not so sure about Emmett…"

A shadow crossed his expression for a brief instant. But then it was gone, and he smiled at me again. "Yes, I think the hallway might have tipped him off. But don't worry about Em," he assured me. Although I got the distinct impression that he was more concerned about his brother than I was.

We sat in silence for a while, and he held me in his arms, hugging me to his strong chest. And every so often he would press his mouth to my forehead, my temple, my cheek, or he would run his fingers through my hair.

"You know," he mused softly, stroking my face with his thumb. "Palm prints tend to melt into one another until the blur is so great that you can't distinguish one from another…_yourself _from the other…" he corrected. "That's how I feel when I'm with you…when I can feel your breath and taste your skin…"

He was quiet then, as he continued running his fingers through my hair. And for just a few moments, my dreams dissolved into the continuity of our reality. And I felt love. And I felt Edward exactly the way I wanted us to be.

But then we heard voices outside and the key turning in the lock, and Edward bolted upright. In one fluid motion, he'd pulled away from me and was at the opposite end of the couch. We both pretended to watch TV as the door opened. Alice and Emmett surveyed the scene, ascertaining our positions, eyeing us curiously.

I suppose they'd both half-expected to walk in on something. Alice looked relieved, and plopped down in between us on the futon. Emmett looked at his brother, eyes full of silent questions, but Edward just shrugged and turned his eyes back to the television.

And I was left thinking about how things were two months ago. No one would have thought twice about Edward and I snuggled together in each other's arms. But now everything was different. Edward would have never moved away from me like that, as if…as if we'd been doing something _wrong_…something we weren't supposed to be doing.

Is that how he viewed our closeness now? And did it always have to be something more than it was? Even if…now…it often was?

Or was the closeness, the connection, the intimacy I felt now only an illusion. False happiness tempered by a dull moan, an empty touch, an orgasm?

Edward was right. Palm prints tend to melt into one another until you can no longer distinguish one from the other, but that's not the extent of it. When the edges dissolve, _everything and nothing become something new_. Something new.

I couldn't help but consider the irony of our situation. Always wishing for things to be different but wanting things to just _be. _

-------------------

**a/n: I was trying to show shadows of their old relationship before sex complicated everything. But Edward has a long way to go. I am planning on an Edward point of view chapter in the relatively near future. Thank you for reading and enjoying. Please show me love. It makes my day :D**

**Reviews help Edward express his feelings.**

**Violet**


	7. Talk to Him

**Disclaimer**: I don't own _Twilight_. I just want Edward. Rated **M** for mature content, foul language, and lemony smut. Please stop reading if you feel you might be offended.

-------------------

Edward ignored me for the rest of the afternoon. Alice and I sat on the futon watching TV, and he disappeared into his room. He left his door open, and every so often I would discreetly glance his way to see what he was doing. But he was never looking at me.

He was working on a paper or something on his computer. He had a stack of library books at his feet, and occasionally he'd take one, flip through it, and then return it to the pile. I desperately wanted to go in there and see what he was doing, what he was writing about. But I figured he would have asked if he wanted me around, so I sat silently by Alice, pretending to watch _Gossip Girl. _

Emmett stuck his head in at one point and asked if we had any interest in a party. Alice laughed. "C'mon Em, when was the last time Bell and I turned down free booze, drinking games, and a good time with college boys."

Emmett smiled and shook his head. "Thought so. Well, we'll eat dinner on campus tonight and get ready to go at about 10:00."

"What kind of party is it? Bella and I will need to get something to wear."

I groaned in displeasure and Alice elbowed me hard in the ribs, but Emmett responded and his words practically made my day. "No theme. Just a good, old-fashioned college keg party."

Alice seemed disappointed and mumbled something about lack of effort and creativity. I couldn't help but smile. If Alice had her way, no party would ever go un-themed; her world revolved around reasons to dress the part.

Emmett walked across into Edward's room, and I was pleased to overhear that he would be coming to the party with us later. But I couldn't bask in my happiness for too long because Alice was tugging at my hand saying that we _had _to go shopping right then and there for our party outfits.

"Nope," I responded. "You heard Emmett. No theme." _Ha_.

But Alice just rolled her eyes and stood up, slipping her feet into silver ballet flats. "Yea. And I'm _sure _Reagan will show up in jeans and a t-shirt too…"

Hmm. Point taken. Well played my little friend. Well played. So I grabbed my wallet and followed her out the door.

Alice had noticed a few shops and boutiques a couple blocks off campus when we'd driven in. We could walk there.

"So, um…" Alice began, looking down at the pavement as we walked through the student parking lot. She was searching for words and sounded almost nervous. Alice was never nervous. Shit. I knew where this was headed.

"Are you gonna talk to Edward?"

"Alice…"

"No Bella, I'm serious," she retorted, "I see the way you look at him, and I know he's all you think about. And you were like best friends. I don't know what all happened between you, but I can tell you want more."

I stared at her speechless. But she was right, and she knew she was.

"You want more," she repeated, doing her best to keep her voice even. I realized that this was a difficult topic for her to discuss, as the idea of me wanting her brother at all was probably rather disturbing. "But that's never going to happen," she continued, "if you don't talk to him about it. I know Edward, and he's not just going to change on his own. He might change for you though," she mused, "if you talk to him that is. Otherwise, he's just gonna keep doing what he's always done, and, for some reason, I don't think that's what you want."

"He didn't have sex with Reagan last night." I offered. I don't know why I said it. It just came out.

"What?" She looked at me, eyes wide. "But, how, I mean, _why_ do know that. Did you _ask _him?"

I shrugged. "He told me." That was kind of true.

Alice's jaw dropped; she stopped dead in her tracks and turned to stare at me. "When?"

"Last night. You and Em were already asleep. We talked for a while." Also kinda true.

"But you talked about _sex_?" She practically whispered the word, like it was a big secret or something. And I had to laugh. Alice had no idea.

"That's not really anything new."

She looked at me pointedly, expecting elaboration. I sighed. Alice didn't really know about our twisted practice of sharing sex stories. Or, more accurately, Edward's practice of sharing as I sat listening, trying not to hyperventilate while imagining what it would be like if it were me.

"We talk about _everything _Alice." Or, at least_, we used to._

"Like what?" She couldn't hide her curiosity.

I continued matter-of-factly. "He fucked Jessica Stanley at a party our sophomore year. In the downstairs bathroom, on the countertop. She's loud, but he likes that."

"Oh my God!" she shrieked. "Jessica Stanley? Really? Way too much information about Edward's noise preferences, but I guess you _would _know…"

I ignored that comment and continued undeterred. Edward might hate me for it, but this could be fun. Alice wanted to talk about me and her brother, and she was about to get her wish. And when I was done, I was willing to bet she wouldn't be so eager to broach the topic again.

"Yea. Stanley more than once, actually. And Lauren Mallory. In the back seat of his car on her driveway, while her parents ate dinner inside."

Alice nodded. "I heard about that. Denied it, but heard about it."

"And Tanya Denali, last year, that first weekend after she got here. And Kate, that same weekend."

Alice gasped. "I always knew Edward was a whore, but _sheesh…_"

"And Rosalie." I almost didn't say it. Probably shouldn't have. Shit. Why'd I say that? I guess I was tired of not having anyone to talk to. Edward's sex life was an intrinsic part of our ever-complicated relationship. And if Alice wanted to talk about it, well, she needed to understand.

She made a strangled little gasping, gagging sound and stopped walking again, holding her arm out, forcing me to stop too.

"Rosalie... as in Emmett's Rosalie?" She asked in disbelief.

I just nodded.

"Rosalie Hale, as in _my_ Jasper's sister?" She questioned again.

"Yea." I answered quietly, wishing perhaps that I hadn't been so candid.

"Does Em…know?" she asked hesitantly.

"Yes. And it happened before he and Rose were together too." Like twelve hours before, but Alice didn't need to know that detail.

"Oh. Okay." That pacified her somewhat, and we began walking again.

A block or so later she spoke again, asking hesitantly, "have you had sex with Emmett?"

I practically choked on my gum. Wow. Didn't see that one coming. But I managed to sputter, "NO" as emphatically as I could. "I don't think they share all their girls, Alice." I teased, once I'd regained my ability to speak.

"Good," she began again slowly, thinking about her next words. "But you did sleep with Edward."

"Yea. I have. We have." She already knew anyway.

"And after everything you know about him, everything he's done, you _still _like him?"

I nodded. "You know what Alice?"

"Hmmm?"

"I've never told anyone this, but I think I love him." And of course it was true. Always had been.

We walked silently for a few minutes. I could see the shops up ahead. Finally Alice responded. "Okay then. Well, we're gonna make sure you look good tonight. And you need to figure out what to say because you're gonna talk to him."

-------------------

When Alice and I got back to the dorm room, Edward's door had been partially closed. Emmett was in there, and they were speaking in low, clipped voices. I thought I heard my name but didn't think much of it; I was probably just imagining things.

Shortly after, Emmett emerged, only to shut himself up in his own room, mumbling something about taking a nap. Alice curled up on the futon to watch more TV, but eyed rather pointedly when I sat down to join her.

"What?" I'd asked, completely clueless.

"Go talk to _him_," she'd commanded in a hushed whisperer. "Now's as good a time as any. He's alone, and he can't still be working on that paper. It's Friday afternoon. Besides, you sure as hell want to talk to him _before _we get to that party tonight where every available blonde at UW will be all over him."

True. So I forced myself to get up, and I tentatively walked into his room.

He was sprawled out on his bed reading, and he was shirtless. Mouthwateringly so. I averted my eyes, then I quickly turned to shut the door behind me. He smiled that perfectly crooked smile and dropped his worn copy of _Oryx and Crake _on the floor. I _love _that he loves Atwood. Who am I kidding? I'd love _whatever _he loved. But that's beside the point.

I stood there, awkward and uncomfortable, staring at him. My stomach twisted and flipped anxiously, and my mouth was suddenly very dry. I swallowed noisily and fidgeted with the hem of my shirt while Edward waited patiently, watching me with curiosity. _God _Bella. Say something. _Say anything_.

And I knew that it was absolutely ridiculous. Less than four hours ago, we were having sex right there on the floor. And now, I couldn't even open my mouth or look him in the eye. Pathetic. And even more of a reason why I _really _needed to talk to him.

"Bella?" he questioned after a few long moments. "Did you want to come talk to me, or did you just want to stand there in my doorway for a little while?"

He smirked, and I blushed. Typical.

"Come here," he demanded, patting the bed next to him. And I did.

I sat down on the edge of his bed, but he immediately wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me down beside him.

We lay shoulder-to-shoulder, and I struggled to remember what I wanted to say. But my body reacted to him instantly, pushing any rational thoughts out of my head. All I wanted to do was roll over, straddle him, and drag my tongue in one long wet streak along his neck. _Mmmmm…_

Stop Bella. Focus.

But it was impossible to focus lying next to Edward. My tension and anxiety seemed to melt away, and all I felt was _him._ The air between crackled and hummed and buzzed around my body and my heart sputtered erratically. _Jesus_, _not now Bella._

"Did you want to talk to me?" he turned his head, breathing into my ear. "Or did you have something else, perhaps, in mind?" His voice was gravelly and low and so damn sexy, and the warmth of his breath sent shivers down my spine.

"I, um…" _Shit Bella, a full sentence would be nice about now._

"That's okay," he whispered. "I wanted to see you too." And then I felt his tongue warm and wet on my skin. His hand was at my side, curving around my hip, slipping under my shirt. The warmth from his hand spread through my body, and I felt my muscles clench in anticipation. My breath caught in my chest, and I shut my eyes tight as he sucked the lobe of my ear into his hot mouth. _Snap out of it Bella. Talk to him. _

But his hand slid over my stomach, across my ribs. And then I felt his fingers brush the underwire of my bra, and I let out the breath I'd been holding. The rational part of my brain screamed at me to stop him. But, slowly, his thumb moved back and forth, and my nipples hardened in response. _Fuck_. That's not helping. And part of me wanted to stop him, but a larger, more vocal, part _really _wanted him to keep going. We could talk later, right?

So, I just gave in. I mean, seriously, could you resist this? Did I even want to?

I rolled over and hitched my leg up over his hip. He reached across with his free hand and grabbed my knee, pulling me closer to him and pressing my crotch to his thigh. My entire body trembled with want, and I could feel the wetness pooling between my legs. He pressed his lips to mine again, kissing me deeply, pushing his tongue into my mouth. And _God_ did he taste good.

I rocked my hips against his leg, and he laughed, low in his chest. "What? What do you want?" _You, always you Edward… _But part of me hated him for having this effect on me, and part of me hated myself for not being able to resist him.

He slid his hand from my knee, and I gasped as he moved it up my thigh. The ache between my legs continued to grow, as his finger slid closer. _More_. And I groaned when his hand moved around my thigh and cupped my ass, his fingers digging in, pulling me against him.

He kissed me again, and I moved my hands to his shoulders, pulling him closer to me. He groaned into my mouth and tugged me over on top of him. I straddled my legs, and began moving my hips in a circle, grinding into him. I could feel his dick harden underneath me, and I jerked my pelvis against him harder in response. _Why the hell not?_

I looked down at him, and he locked his eyes on mine. They flashed darkly, but held my gaze for a few long moments. _God, _I wanted to talk to him and tell him that I loved him and wanted more…more than _this_. But I wanted to keep going too. I wanted to pull his pants down and fuck him hard until I came and he came and I was numb again.

His hands were at my waist, unbuttoning, unzipping, tugging. _Please, yes. _But no, not now.

A zillion thoughts raced through my head. I wanted him desperately, but I needed more too. _Talk to him._

Focus Bella. This is _not _why you came in here. And Alice. Alice. Definitely not asleep and probably at the door listening right now.

And somehow, for some reason, I listened to my inner rationale.

"Wait, Edward. I, um, I wanted to talk to you about…"

He stilled his hand but cut me off immediately. "It's okay Bella. I talked to Emmett. I know what you told him. And that's fine. I understand, and I agree. It's probably better that way anyway."

He kissed me again, and it distracted me momentarily. It's incredibly difficult to think with his tongue in my mouth like that, but I managed to pull away again. "What?" I panted. "Better what way?"

He leaned in again, and it was all I could do not to give in and press my mouth to his, but I simply had to know what the hell he was talking about. _What did I tell Emmett? What does he agree with? _ I put one hand on Edward's bare chest and pushed away from him, sitting up. "Better what way?" I repeated.

He shrugged. "Better that this…" he paused looking down at our intertwined bodies, "isn't anything serious."

My heart sank. His words literally knocked my breath right out of me, and I suddenly felt empty and sick. There was no reason to feel so devastated; it's not like I'd expected anything else. But that didn't make it any easier to stomach. I looked away, biting my lips and praying that I didn't do something insanely embarrassing like start to cry.

"Hey, hey…" he cupped my chin in his hand, angling my face down to his again. His eyes were soft and, fuck me, he was beautiful. "It's okay Bella. It's nothing to be ashamed about. I think you're right. It would be too difficult with me here and you home in Forks still. It's better that we just be us, like always."

_Oh my God… _Did he really think I was _embarrassed_ because I wanted to have sex with him but didn't want anything _serious_?

I want so much more Edward. I want everything. And I want you.

He continued then, smiling wickedly. "And, we can still have some...fun whenever we're together."

I gasped and felt my cheeks burn. Despite all my rational thoughts, his words excited me. But _crap_. This is so wrong Bella. And the very definition of friends with fucking benefits.

But of course that's what _he _wanted. That's all he ever wanted. And I should have known he wouldn't change.

The problem is that it's not what _I _want.

But does that mean I'm gonna give up what I have? After all, I've gotten more than I ever expected with Edward. Could I be happy, for now, with the friendship and the sex? _God the sex_… My more noble side was screaming at me right about now. But my noble side never has any fun.

So I let him kiss me again, and I trailed my fingers over his chest, before I wove them in his perfect hair, pulling hard. He grunted into my mouth and bucked his hips under mine. And I could feel his erection pressing into my center.

I opened my mouth against his and rolled my hips back and forth over the bulge underneath me. He groaned and his hand was back at my waist.

He flicked the button of my jeans open easily and he yanked the zipper down. I gasped as he slid his hand inside my pants. _Yes, more. _

But then the door burst open and we both froze. _What the fuck? _Edward sat up, wrapping his arms around my waist, and I turned around looking.

Alice.

Awkward.

She stuck her head in his room, and she stared, eyes wide. "Oh, I, um, Bella? I'm sorry." Quickly she shut the door again. Wow.

Edward sighed loudly and flopped back on his pillow. "Fucking cockblock, Alice…" he groaned. I didn't have to ask. I knew that something like this had happened before. Lovely.

-------------------

Ten minutes later I was back on the futon with Alice. We were both staring at the TV, but neither one of us was actually watching a damn thing. And, no. I didn't have sex with him.

Did I want to? Hell yea. He did too. That much was obvious. But your best friend and/or younger sister barging in on you is not much of a turn on. So we'd both laughed uncomfortably, and then I'd gotten up and blushed profusely while he mumbled something about finishing this later. I managed to straighten my shirt, as he watched me intently, and I left the room. Embarrassed, yes. Frustrated, yes. Confused, fuck yes. _What the hell happens now?_

"So you talked to him?" Alice asked finally, after a few long minutes of incredibly awkward silence.

"Um…no?" I timidly responded. _Damn_. I was more anxious now about facing Alice than I had been about talking to Edward. And we all know how well that went…

"Then what was that Bella?" Her voice was calm, but shook slightly. She didn't look at me.

"I, um, I don't know…"

"You were on top of him. And his hands were down your pants."

"I, uh…" She glared at me. And I couldn't not.

So I told her. Everything. She kinda looked like she was gonna throw up when I told her about the text messages during Emmett's art class and the sex on the bedroom floor, but she's a best friend, so she held it together.

And then we sat silently for a long time.

"So, you want more than _that, _right?" she asked.

"Yes." I answered truthfully.

"Then no more…_anything_…" she eyed me suggestively. "Until you've actually talked to him and convinced him that you want to be more than fuck buddies." She paused. "No matter how much you want it…" And she looked at me like she had a truly awful taste in her mouth, and I had to smile because, damn, she was the perfect friend. And, of course, she was right.

-------------------

By 9:45 that evening, we were ready to go, and I wasn't wearing a t-shirt and jeans. I had on Alice's too-short True Religion denim skirt and my newly purchased black and white striped shirt. Alice had picked it out of course, but I liked it. It fit snuggly across my tits, and, as she put it, accentuated all the right places. Thankfully, Alice had determined that heels were not necessary tonight. So I was comfortable in my favorite mint green flats.

Alice had selected a purple knit mini-dress to go with her silver ballet shoes. She might be petit, but she was all legs. And that short dress clearly illustrated that fact; she looked positively stunning.

Emmett tsked when he saw us and teased that it just wasn't right to let his two baby sisters out to a college party dressed like that. Alice scoffed at the baby comment, and I reminded Em that I was not actually his sister and therefore impervious to his brotherly scrutiny.

Edward appeared, and I allowed myself to look at him briefly. Okay I stared. But just for a second... or maybe several seconds, but I can never help myself. Tight, black Social D t-shirt and the same pair of dark jeans he always wore. I knew that there were little holes where they were worn at his hips, and I knew that they were frayed at the bottoms, and I knew that they hugged his ass perfectly. And I knew that I couldn't just throw myself in his arms, although I desperately wanted to.

My breath caught when I saw his eyes rake up and down my body. I saw his lips curve into the slightest of smiles, and suddenly I wanted to kiss Alice for making me where this tiny-ass skirt. But he looked away quickly. And it didn't matter. Who knows if it would ever matter again.

-------------------

**a/n: The party is up next and so is Edward's point of view!**

**So what is Edward thinking about all this? Review and let me know. I promise I will love you for it and update much sooner than usual. Let's say within 48 hours… perhaps.**

**And it's awards time in Twilightdom. Check out my profile for information on both the Eddie and Bellie awards and the Indie awards. There are **_**tons **_**of categories, so you can nominate **_**every**_** one of your favorite stories. Go forth and do so.**

**Love ya! Violet.**


	8. Fall Apart

**Disclaimer**: I don't own _Twilight _or any characters. I just do things with them. Rated **M** for mature content, foul language, and lemony smut. Please stop reading if you feel you might be offended.

-------------------

Alice devised a strict plan for me to follow tonight at the party, and she was quite adamant about it. She sure can be a feisty little thing when she's determined about something.

But I had clear instructions.

"Until you suck it up and talk to Edward properly, you're not allowed anymore, um…fun with him," she so delicately put it. "And, that means you won't put yourself in a situation where you might be tempted."

Alice scrunched up her nose in distaste as she unwillingly considered what about Edward might be so tempting. But then she took a deep breath and continued. "So no touching, no dark corners, and _no _beds." She glared at me, clearly remembering the scene she had so unfortunately witnessed earlier in his room.

"But how can I talk to him now that I know he doesn't want to be with me," I whined, feeling petulant and bratty and downright sorry for myself.

Alice rolled her eyes. "Yea. Right. Even you know that's bullshit Bella."

"But he said it was _better_ that it wasn't anything _serious_." I emphasized his nefarious words with air quotes and an eye roll of my own.

"Well no shit Bella!" Alice growled, obviously growing exasperated with me. "_Of course _he'd say that. Why wouldn't he?"

I looked at her blankly. I had no clue what she was getting at.

She sighed dramatically and took my hand in hers. "Bella, sweetie, think about it. Of course it's _easier _for him if things aren't serious between you two. But that doesn't mean that's really what he wants."

I blinked a few times still trying to figure out what she was telling me.

Alice paused, considering her next words. "It's Edward. You of all people, Bella, know my brother. And he's not going to step out of his comfort zone just like that. Not if he doesn't need to." She raised an eyebrow, eyeing me pointedly.

I said nothing but looked down at my feet.

"Exactly," she said, taking my silence as confirmation. "Why would he need anything more when you're already giving him everything he _thinks _he wants?" She paused before continuing. "And frankly, Bella, I think he might be a little bit scared."

I snorted at that. Edward, scared? That was absurd.

"Seriously Bella, think about it. You're his best friend, always have been. And now that there's something, um...else between you, well, I'm pretty sure he's feeling more than he ever has with a girl. Edward's never had a relationship that's been anything more than physical. And with you, well, it could never be just that. He knows it, and that's something he hasn't had to deal with before."

I looked at her, and she waited patiently while my mind absorbed everything she'd said. _Was it possible? Could he actually want more? _Then why the hell didn't he say something? Or, more importantly, why did he tell me that things were better the way they were?

Alice responded to my unspoken thoughts knowingly. She's very perceptive, that one. "Think about it Bella. He's not just gonna put himself out there and risk rejection. Edward's never had to work hard at _anything_, and I doubt he's _ever _been rejected by anyone." She rolled her eyes again, but she had a point.

"And I think," she continued. "He's probably terrified by what he's feeling for you right about now."

I scoffed at that comment but let her go on.

"But I'd be willing to bet that he's even more terrified that you might not feel the same way." She looked at me knowingly. "He's worried he likes you more than you like him. And he's never had to deal with that before."

I nodded, mulling over her comments. Could she be right? She usually was. And I'd never bet against Alice.

"So," she concluded. "If you're too chickenshit to _talk_ to him about it. Then we need to force his hand a bit." She smiled wickedly at that, and, for a moment, I could truly see the resemblance between Alice and her brother. _Edward… _

I had feeling whatever Alice was about to suggest I do about Edward would not be all that easy for me.

"You need to make him realize that he wants more than whatever fucked up thing you have right now. And you've gotta prove to him that you're worth that – give him a reason to take a chance. And, Bella," she looked at me pointedly. "You've gotta show him that you're not just gonna be available whenever he wants you."

-------------------

The party was just off campus, and we walked together. Emmett, Alice, Edward, and I. Edward and I hadn't really spoken again that afternoon, much to Alice's annoyance. So nothing had been resolved. I still desperately wanted to know what Emmett had said to Edward earlier. And I still wanted to tell him everything. But I was more than terrified that an outright confession could ruin everything. And I wasn't sure I was ready to take that chance.

So, tonight at least, I was playing by Alice's rules.

As we walked, I let myself to fall a few paces behind Em and Alice to walk beside Edward. Even if I couldn't allow myself to be "tempted" by him tonight, I still wanted to be near him. To feel the crackle of energy between us. And I had to wonder, did he feel it too?

We'd fallen a bit further behind Alice and Emmett when I felt Edward's hand on my lower back. I trembled slightly under his touch, but then he leaned down, and I felt his warm breath tickle my ear. "You look hot tonight Isabella. I just might not be able to keep my hands off you."

I gasped at his words, and I could hear him chuckle softly. My eyes snapped forward, searching through the darkness for Alice, but she was too far ahead to hear.

He slid his hand down and brushed my ass lightly, before I felt his fingers graze the exposed skin on my thigh just below Alice's super-short skirt. My breath caught and my stomach tightened, as he slipped his hand up under my skirt. _Please_.

His hand moved higher, fingers pressing into the too-soft skin of my thigh. I was so wet, and I knew how absurdly difficult it would be to resist him, resist _this_. And the bad Bella voice inside my head screamed at me: _Why would you even want to resist? _

I had to admit she had a point.

His hand inched higher until his fingers reached my underwear, burning and touching. I wasn't breathing, and I couldn't help but hope that he'd just strip me down and take me right here. My eyes flickered to his and, in the darkness, I could see them flashing darkly with want. But I could hear the music from the party and Em and Alice were right there and _no_. So I slapped his hand away and hurried on ahead.

The streets were already lined with cars. And I thought Stanley's last party had been big… The guy who answered the door greeted Edward and Emmett enthusiastically. He then proceeded to eye Alice and I appraisingly and, deeming us acceptable, ushered us through the door with over-the-top gallantry.

I was certain he made some obscene gesture behind our backs because Edward laughed appreciatively, and Emmett smacked him playfully on the shoulder.

"Careful man, that's my sister."

"That just makes it even better," I heard him respond, and I couldn't help but smile.

But Edward didn't seem the least bit protective of me… _Of course not Bella._ I reminded myself quickly. Why would he be? _Oh yea…_because you've been friends since grade school, and he fucked you up against his door not six hours ago.

Stop Bella. Not now. Not tonight. Remember what Alice said. Have some fun and make him want you…and not just as friends.

So Alice and I drank, we flirted, and we played beer pong with two guys who stared at us entirely too much. But we still lost badly, as was expected. And laughter came easier now as we drank more and more.

Although I found myself often scanning the crowd for Edward, I was definitely having fun. And we danced, my arms around Alice's waist, her hips against mine, her back to my chest, simultaneously not encouraging and not dissuading the various guys who would press themselves against us, touching, groping, dancing, not dancing, whispering vacant compliments in our ears in the hope of getting laid tonight.

At one point, though, I noticed Edward standing in the corner. He was not dancing, just watching me intently. And our eyes locked briefly and, fuck me, his were literally smoldering, burning into my mine. Suddenly want and warmth and lust and love surged through my body, my legs tingled with anticipation, and I felt shivers of pleasure run down my spine.

_Shit _Edward. If one look can undo me like this, then we sure as hell are meant to be together.

And I had just about worked up the nerve to go over and talk to him right then and there, but I looked up again and he was gone.

But I was drunk and happy, and the room swayed with the music and I swayed with the room and it felt good. So I forced myself not to think about him.

A short time or a while later – I'm not sure – I felt strong arms around my waist, sliding under my shirt, hands gripping my hips. I knew without looking that it was Edward. I felt the warmth and sweetness of his breath on my cheek, as he leaned in to murmur in my ear.

"You're teasing me Isabella. I don't like to be teased. And I don't like the way all these guys can't stop staring at you, touching you." His words were low and gritty and laced with want.

And my body responded instantly to his voice. I twisted in his arms, and turned my face to his, bringing my lips dangerously close to his mouth. But I responded coyly, drunk and pleased with myself for not giving in. "That's okay Edward. We both know I'm not in a serious relationship or anything. Can't a girl have a little fun?"

And every part of me was screaming now. _Why the hell did you just say that Bella!? _Take it back. Take it back! Talk to him. Tell him that you love him. But I was too chickenshit and too drunk and still kinda pissed about his comments earlier.

And sometimes I just say and do some really stupid things.

He dropped his arms from my waist and turned and walked away without another word. And my body ached at the loss of his hands on my skin. I felt a little sick, but I told myself that it was just the beer and that it was better this way… right?

But, for some reason, I just wasn't so sure.

I danced some more, I drank some more, I played a few rounds of caps with Emmett, but I was no longer having fun.

I saw Edward an hour or so later, and I decided I couldn't stand it anymore. I was gonna give in, go talk to him, tell him everything, _be with him_.

But then I saw him wrap his arm around this skinny redhead who stood on tiptoes to whisper in his ear, and I stopped dead in my tracks. He looked at her and smiled and nodded. I quickly ducked into another room praying he hadn't seen me, and I tried to tell myself that it didn't matter. I was okay with it. But that was a lie.

I found Alice again. I wanted to go home. She looked at me in understanding and went to find Emmett, promising we'd leave soon. I stood there alone awkwardly for a few minutes before deciding to find a bathroom. The walk home wasn't long, but I needed to pee.

I made my way to the back of the house, wandering into an empty hallway lined with closed doors. Surely one of these was the bathroom. The first door I tried was locked. The second one opened at my touch, and I pushed it open. Darkness. A bedroom or something. Not a bathroom. But…

I could hear them before my eyes even adjusted to the dark. The sounds of bodies twisting on sheets, panting, moaning. I gasped, mumbled "sorry," backed up toward the door, and stumbled -- trying to get the hell out as quickly as I could. _God damn it Bella. _

"Shut the fucking door."

But then I froze because I could see…

Edward. Sprawled out on the bed. Eyes screwed shut, jeans pulled down just below his hips. Red head bobbing up and down.

My head spun and I felt horribly nauseous. And then his eyes flashed open and they locked on mine. And every ounce of pleasure melted away, to be replaced with horror, shock…shame?

And I turned and was running from the room, stumbling once more, nearly falling but staying on my feet. Out into the hall, slamming the door shut behind me.

"Bella, wait!" I could hear him yelling after me.

_What Edward? Bella, wait, __stay and watch? Bella, wait, it's not what you think?_ But of course it was. And how could I have expected any differently?

Just because he was with me this afternoon… Emmett was right. Sex never really means anything to Edward, outside of the moment at least. And he will never change.

I knew I had no right to be, but I was incredibly angry. And I was hurt. But he'd made no promises to me. I hadn't expected any. And I'd pretended to be okay with that.

-------------------

_**Edward's Point of View**_

_Well, fuck. _

Did that really just happen? And what the hell was I thinking?

I pushed Victoria off of me, and she glared up at me in anger. Great. Now she would be pissed at me too, but I really didn't give a shit about her now. And it's not like anything was gonna happen anyways…

But Bella… _Bella. _

I felt upset, annoyed, and angry of course. But I also felt something completely unexpected and foreign. I felt guilty.

And I was mad. No. Not at myself. Well, not really. Although, even I had to admit that that was a pretty dick move on my part. But I'm always a dick, so what's new?

No. I was mad at Bella because she, more than anyone else, _knows _me. She _knows_ that this is what I do.

And I was mad at Bella for making me feel guilty for something I'd never normally think twice about. But fuck. I hadn't even enjoyed it; I didn't even finish. Which is saying a lot. And, yet, I still felt guilty.

But there was more to it. And I couldn't deny it anymore. Bella had gotten to me in a way no girl ever had. And I couldn't believe I'd ever allowed that to happen.

Especially because she didn't want me…

At first I'd been terrified that things were changing between us. After that first night when we woke up together in my room back in Forks… Did she actually expect something more between us?

Did I actually _want _her to? That thought scared me even more than anything.

The thought that I might want more.

And maybe that was it. Maybe that's why I was here now. Why I finally gave in and let Victoria suck my dick, all the while trying not to let images of Bella on her knees, my palm resting on her head, fingers weaving through her hair, seep into my head.

Maybe I was trying to prove to myself that she hadn't really affected me like this. After all, we were just Edward and Bella. We shared everything. Always had. So why not sex?

That shouldn't automatically mean that our friendship had to change. We worked just fine the way things were. Sometimes it just didn't need to be anything _more_. And we were comfortable with that, right? That's what I tried to tell myself at least, and that's what I'd meant to tell Emmett earlier when he'd cornered me about her.

But things were different now. I knew it. Emmett knew it. So why the hell didn't Bella?

And why did I let her push me away like that? And why did I immediately run off and fuck things up just like I always do?

-------------------

Earlier, after Emmett and Alice had come back to the dorm, I'd disappeared into my room to work on a paper. But it was pointless. I couldn't get anything done because I couldn't stop thinking about _her. _

She was out on the couch with Alice watching bad TV and ignoring me.

Every so often I swore I could _feel _her eyes on me, but I would turn to look and she'd just be staring in the opposite direction at the television screen.

And I wanted to go out there and ask her to come into my room. I wanted to touch her, talk to her, and try to figure out what the hell was going on between us because I knew that things were different now. And she had to feel it too.

And the sex… The sex, of course, was great. And I'm pretty sure I'd be willing to give up sex with anyone else if I could only have her. But…

But I wasn't really sure if she'd have me.

I'd tried to tell her earlier. When we were on the couch together. Before Em and Alice had come in. Before I'd pulled away from her like we had something to hide. And yes, perhaps my palm print analogy might have been a little cryptic. But I think the point was clear. _You've changed me_.

And she was talking about sunsets and being back in Forks together and everything falling into its right place. And I thought maybe, just maybe she understood, but I didn't know for sure.

And then she and Alice had left to go shopping or whatever, and Emmett had come into my room. He sat on the end of my bed and looked at me for a long while, as if he were waiting for me to say something.

"What, Emmett?" I asked a bit more harshly than I'd intended, but he either had something to say or he didn't.

"What's up with you and Bella?"

"Nothing," I lied.

"Uh huh. Sure…" he saw right through me, as always.

"I don't know Em. I mean, I love her. But I always have. I just don't know. Did she say anything to you? You know, earlier."

God, did I wish he hadn't seen anything in the hallway this afternoon. Emmett and I were close, but I didn't want to be having this conversation now. Not until I had a chance to figure out what was going on between us…what she wanted.

He nodded, and I looked at him expectantly.

Em sighed dramatically before telling me what, exactly, she'd said after I left here there with him. "She said it was no big deal Edward. That you two were just messing around. And then she made me promise not to tell Alice because it was 'nothing.'"

I nodded in response. Okay. If that's how she felt.

But Emmett continued, "But that doesn't mean I believe her, you know?"

I nodded again. Sure, sure.

"Have you slept with her?" he asked after a moment of silence.

"Yea."

He nodded; Emmett wasn't surprised by my admission. "Well," he started after a long while. "Don't fuck with her. She's not like other girls Edward."

"Yea, I know," I responded. You could say that again.

He left, and I collapsed onto my bed feeling quite miserable. For the first time, it seemed, I wanted a girl who didn't really want me.

_We're just messing around… it's nothing. _Damn. I never thought those simple words could make me feel so god damn awful.

But the more I thought about it, the more I began to convince myself that it was better this way. Easier anyhow. I mean, I was here, and she was still in Forks. Relationships take time and work. And I was never good at that sort of thing.

Besides, we had a good thing going now, didn't we? What more did I need?

And then she came into my room, all nervous and uncomfortable and so fucking adorable. I knew what she'd come in to say, but I just couldn't let her say it. I couldn't let her confirm everything that Emmett had said. Everything I already knew.

So I'd kissed her and slid my hand under her shirt. And soon she was moaning and panting and squirming beside me, grinding her crotch against my thigh. I love all the noises and sounds she makes when we're together. So damn sexy. And she kissed me back because, well, this was what she wanted anyways.

At one point, she tried to speak, but I cut her off. It didn't matter anyway.

And then she was on top of me, and her hips started rocking and moving in a circle and searching… I was rock fucking hard and ready to go all over again. So I unbuttoned her pants because we were gonna do this again.

It was weird, though, because part of me was actually screaming that this wasn't the way things should be. Not with Bella. It should be more than sex.

But it was always just sex; that's how it's always been for me. Bella knows that, and evidently she's okay with this fucked up arrangement. Sex. And our minds trying to ignore what our bodies keep telling us. But who am I to say otherwise?

But then there was Alice. Fucking Alice. And Bella left.

But she'd smiled and blushed that beautiful shade of pink when I told her I'd finish this later. I know she still wants me, some part of me at least.

Maybe someday we'd both want more. But for now, I guess I'll settle for the way things are.

-------------------

I was actually excited about this party. I was excited to spend more time with Bella, but more than that, I couldn't wait to take her home with me afterward.

And things seemed to be going well as we walked across campus. She fell back to walk beside me, and I couldn't help but touch her. Her skin was soft and smooth and sent sparks through my fingers with each touch. And she gasped and sighed, and I could feel how _wet _she was. _How wet I made her._ And I wanted to grab her hand and say screw the party. I wanted to take her back to my room and strip her down and take her… But she and Alice were so happy, and I could wait.

But then we got there, and Bella ignored me completely. She and Alice were off doing God knows what, and she wasn't with me. But Victoria was. She was all over me actually.

I found Bella again later. I felt her suck in a breath when I pulled her against me, my fingers digging into her hips. But then she turned, twisting in my arms, and looked at me with that mischievous little glint in her eye.

And she basically told me to back the fuck off and leave her alone.

_C'mon Edward. I'm not in a serious relationship or anything. Can't a girl have a little fun?_

I should have told her that it didn't have to be that way. I should have wrapped my arms around her little body tighter, and brushed her hair back from her neck, and told her that I wanted to take her home with me right then.

But it was becoming increasingly clear that she didn't want just me. So when Victoria approached me for like the fifteenth time tonight and pressed her sticky lipsticked lips to mine. I finally said fuck it. Why the hell not? And I let her lead me to an empty bedroom, and I closed my eyes and tried not to think about Bella. _Bella…_

Because Bella was off getting sloppy drunk with Alice letting every asshole there feel her up on the dance floor. And she was happy.

She could have her fun, and I could have mine.

-------------------

**a/n: I know I know. But don't be mad at me. I'm just telling the story. **

**So what happens now? Frankly, I'm just as irritated at Bella...**

**Reviews make Eddie and Bella realize what complete idiots they were tonight. Edward especially...**


	9. Into the Open

Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns _Twilight_. Bram Stoker owns Bella's musings about Jonathan Harker and _Dracula_.

Rated **M** for language, smuttiness, and rather stupid boys.

**a/n: I know, I know. I've been serious fail when it comes to updates recently, but I'm getting married in 9 days. Really, I am. *deep breaths…* **

**Enough with the excuses though. I plan to update my other story as well before the wedding. Promise. **

**And, I did post a little one-shot for a lemon contest. I've never done that before, but how could I resist? It's for pure, tingly enjoyment. And you all deserve more citrus, so check it out :D**

**Okay. Enjoy with love.**

-------------------

_**Edward's Point of View**_

After that disaster of an evening, I returned to the room alone. Emmett had stopped me as I left the party, eyes full of silent questions, but I just shrugged him off. Now was not the time for him to hear about my latest fuck up.

He nodded abruptly in understanding and let me go. The twin is every bit as perceptive at Alice at times. Or, at least, he's really good at knowing when to back the fuck off.

Evidently, the girls had stormed off a while before. I just hoped Alice had sense enough not to get lost off campus after dark, or else she'd never find her way back.

Perhaps they'd be home when I got there, and then, maybe, just maybe I could talk to Bella. If she'd let me… If I'd even know what to say.

But the room was dark when I got back to the dorm; the girls were definitely still out doing God knows what. And Bella in that hot, little short-ass skirt. Far too sexy for her own good. And I wondered, does she have any clue how breathtakingly beautiful she is?

I shut myself in my room and tried to play. Our dorm is obviously not big enough for a piano. But my keyboard is perfectly adequate for getting out the songs and melodies that form in my head. But tonight, everything came out haunting and discordant, flat, and echoing loss.

So I flopped down on my bed feeling pathetic, miserable, and sorry for myself. And though I hate to admit it, I was just a little bit pissed that a girl could make me feel this way.

But, of course, Bella is not just any girl. And, no matter how much I've tried to deny it, she's meant to be my other half

Em is everything I need that I don't have. And Alice… Alice and I are one in the same. We used to joke that Allie and I were the twins in the family, and Emmett, well Emmett keeps us in line and does his best to bring our flighty selves back down to reality every now and then.

But Bella… Bella was meant to be a part of me.

She'd gotten under my skin and into my bones that first night back in Forks.

And, really, if I were truly honest with myself, I knew that she'd seeped into my very being long before then.

And things were going well – or, at least I'd managed to pretend that they were for a little while. But I should have known better.

So I put my ear buds in and turned my iPod up loud. The _Yeah Yeah Yeahs _were singing that I was a zero, and they were pretty much right.

But what could I do now? She'd made herself quite clear that I… that _we _didn't mean anything. Just messing around. Nothing serious. And, even though, I've said those words a hundred times, I never expected the one girl I really wanted to throw them right back at me.

Life certainly isn't without a sense of irony.

Of course, I tried to convince myself that it was for the best anyway.

I don't do relationships. I never have. Fuck. I'm not sure if I know how.

And I often hurt the girls I'm with. They don't mean anything to me. But Bella… Bella. The thought of hurting Bella terrified me.

So it's better this way, surely. The obvious solution is not to get involved. And no one gets hurt.

And the dumbass, teenage motherfucker in me was complimenting my astute reasoning.

But my rational, more mature side knew that was complete bullshit. We were already involved, and I'd already hurt her.

We are our own delusions, I suppose. And I've been forcing words, excuses, lies to reconcile conflicted feelings, because I wanted to believe it was better this way. But I know that's absolutely ridiculous. And it's time to accept the truth and talk to her already.

I must have dozed off because I was jolted awake by the sound of my door being opened. _Bella? _No. Of course not.

"What the fuck did you go and do that for?" Alice demanded scathingly. _Well shit. _Love you too sis.

I didn't sit up or open my eyes. Perhaps if I ignored her she'd go away.

"Edward?" she prompted, stomping her foot. No such luck.

"Do what Alice?" I sighed, feigning ignorance. I _really _did not want to be having this conversation right now with my obnoxiously persistent and nosy sister.

"Fuck that ugly slut." Well, you couldn't say she wasn't straightforward.

"I didn't fuck her," I corrected.

"Close enough," she informed me matter-of-factly.

I didn't respond to that. "Please go away Alice." I felt shitty enough already.

I opened one eye halfway and glanced at her. She wasn't budging. She stood at the foot of my bed, foot tapping, skinny arms folded across her chest, eyes narrowed. She was glaring at me, and she actually looked like she wanted to hit me.

I almost wished she would -- just get it over with and leave me alone already.

"You really hurt her."

Funny. Bella really hurt me too. But I wasn't about to tell Alice that.

I groaned resignedly and sat up, leaning back on my elbows. "How did I hurt her Alice? She made it quite clear that she doesn't want me."

I paused, thinking, and then laughed darkly. "I mean, no, I would have preferred she not have walked in on, um, that." Alice grimaced, and I continued. "But she really has no right to be upset about it."

"_No right to be upset!_" my sister screeched.

_Shit. _For such a small person, Alice sure could scream. She was visibly fuming now.

"_NOT_ _upset!_ Are you fucking kidding me Edward? She _does _want you. Very much I might add. Although, I must admit, I have no freaking idea why." She paused, chest heaving, and she glared at me before speaking again. "But you're too much of an idiot to realize it. She was gonna tell you earlier, you know."

I raised an eyebrow quizzically but said nothing. I had no idea what the hell she was talking about.

"This afternoon," Alice insisted. "When she came in here. She was going to tell you. But you were too busy trying to stick your hands down her pants or whatever that you didn't even notice!"

I rolled my eyes at her, but she continued, louder now and clearly undeterred. "And then you have to go off and get your dick sucked. And in front of Bella no less!"

She was practically shaking, her little fists clenching and unclenching at her sides. Damn. I dunno if I've ever seen her so mad.

"Bella…does…not…want…me," I repeated slowly, enunciating every word like I was speaking to a two-year-old. Alice was kind of acting like one anyway.

She actually growled at me. "Yea she does," she asserted through gritted teeth.

This was getting repetitive.

"Well," she fumed. "At least she did. But who knows now, after that stunt you pulled tonight. _I _wouldn't want you anymore," she insisted petulantly.

Good to know.

_Shit. _I already regretted hooking up with Victoria. And no, we did not have sex. But if I'd known I'd have to face Alice's wrath too… So not worth it.

"Allie, you don't know the first thing about us. Bella doesn't care about that. She knows it doesn't mean anything. Hell. She'll probably ask all about it later."

"Jesus Christ Edward! You really are clueless. And _don't _get me started about that sick, little fucked up game you two play, sharing sex stories and all." She shuddered at the thought, and I couldn't help but smile and laugh softly.

Alice was right. That was kinda twisted. But I loved talking about sex with Bella. I loved how her eyes got all wide, and I loved how her cheeks pricked pretty pink. And I loved thinking that maybe, just maybe, she was imagining me doing all those things to _her._ Or perhaps that was just wishful thinking because God knows that's what _I _always envisioned…

Shit. I shifted uncomfortably and adjusted the covers discreetly. Now was definitely not the time for a fucking hard on.

I flopped back on my pillow with a groan and stared at the ceiling, but that only pissed Alice off even more. She was at my side in an instant, and she was still screaming.

I seriously considered plugging my ears, but I doubted it would discourage her. "She likes you Edward. A lot. She was gonna tell you, even though she was terrified to put herself out there like that. She was gonna tell you, but then you go and you…you…"

_Crack!_

_Holy shit. _White-hot heat shot through my jaw and—That little devil smacked me! And not on the cheek like a normal girl would. No. Of course not. My lovely, little, five foot nothing of a sister fucking slapped me on the mouth. And hard too. That shit _hurt_.

My face stung and my head ached, but there wasn't time to think about it because her hand was raised, and she was swinging at me again.

This time I was ready, though, and I caught her by the wrist. She squirmed and struggled against my grasp, but I didn't let go.

"What the hell, Alice?" I demanded, still in pain and a little bit shocked by her attack. I ran my tongue along my lip. I could taste blood. That would leave a mark.

But she was crying now. And I was pretty sure she wasn't going to hit me again, so I let go of her hand. She sat down on the edge of my bed and stared at me for a long time, makeup smudged tears streaking her cheeks.

"She wants you Edward," she finally said. "She really does."

"Yea. I want her too. All the time." And _damn_, was that the truth. All I wanted to do tonight was take her home with me and rip that little skirt off… Stop Edward.

"_Ewww…" _Alice scrunched her nose in distaste. "That's not what I meant. Although…" she paused considering, "I guess she does _want you_ want you too. But she also wants to _be _with you. And she wants _you _to be with her and _only _her. Like her boyfriend or some shit like that. Fuck Eddie," she continued, shaking her head, "she thinks she loves you."

_What the…_

I looked at Alice, shocked and completely speechless.

Bella. My Bella… _loves me. _

Alice rolled her eyes at me. "God. You really are clueless, aren't you?"

Evidently.

"Why didn't she tell me?" I finally managed to ask.

"Well, she was _going _to, like I said. But then you went and said something stupid about things being better the way they were. You know, not serious, or whatever the fuck you told her."

"No, no." I cut her off. She had it all backwards. "That's what _she _said," I corrected. "I mean, that's what she told Emmett at least."

"Emmett's an idiot."

I nodded. True.

"And _of course_ Bella would say that to him," she declared.

I blinked a few times and looked at her blankly. Alice sighed dramatically before continuing, clearly exasperated by my complete lack of understanding.

"She knew Emmett'd just run off and blab to you about whatever she told him. And she was obviously right." Alice eyed me pointedly. "He did."

"Then why not tell me the truth directly?" I asked, still entirely confused.

"Because she didn't want to freak you out, Edward. She _knows _you. She knows you've never had a girlfriend. _Sheesh_. She knows you've never even been on a real date unless it was to get some girl into bed. And she certainly didn't want you to think that she was like all those other girls who fuck you once and then think that they're your girlfriend or something."

Oh.

Things were starting to fall into place.

"And I know she wants more Edward, but she's certainly not stupid or delusional or even idealistic enough to think she's any different. Or to think that you'd change. And it seems you proved her right tonight."

"But she _is _different," I responded, more to myself than to Alice.

"How the hell is she supposed to know that?"

"I, um…" She had a point there.

"Exactly. She's the best you've ever had Edward. And I have no idea why she wants you, but she does. And if you want her, then you need to fix this. Now."

"Where is she?" I had to ask.

"Bathroom. Probably puking." Alice shrugged. "And not because she had too much to drink either." She glared at me again. There'd been a lot of that tonight. "Though she might have," Alice conceded almost as an afterthought. "But it's more because she has that image in her head of that slut bobbing up and down on your dick." Alice made a very convincing gagging noise, and I had to roll my eyes.

"Frankly, I thought I might vomit just hearing about it." She cringed. "Standards Edward!" She threw her hands up in the air dramatically.

"I know. I know." Alice was right. About everything.

We sat in silence for a few long moments. I rubbed her back, moving my thumbs in soothing circles around her shoulder blades. She sighed and relaxed against my hands.

"Sorry I hit you," she offered.

I touched my jaw gingerly and nodded.

"You deserved it though," she was quick to add.

I didn't refute the statement. She was probably right.

"So she really does love me?" I asked after a long while.

Alice turned to look at me, dark eyes reflective. "Yea." She smiled almost sadly and shook her head. "Yea. She does. Don't fuck it up."

And, with that, she slipped off my bed and moved lithely to the door, shutting it quietly behind her.

-------------------

I was awake for a long time, lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, thinking about what Alice had said. If it were true… If Bella really did love me, want me… The thought thrilled me for a few brief moments.

But then the sobering realization hit. Any feelings she may have had for me had surely vanished the moment she'd walked in on me and Victoria.

I finally fell into a restless sleep fraught with dreams of creamy skin, legs that go on for miles, and eyes like pools of melted chocolate...

-------------------

I felt her before I could hear her.

I had no idea what time it was or how long I'd been asleep. But she was there. In my room.

I kept my eyes shut, terrified that if I opened them it would all be just a dream, and she would slip away again.

But she was there. At the side of my bed. Climbing in. Sliding under the covers with me. I turned, breathing her in, as she pressed herself against me. Cold feet forcing their way between my calves. Bare arms folded between our bodies. Silky hair tucked beneath my chin.

"Bella…"

And what was she wearing? I slid my hand down over the curve of her hip, toying with the lacy edge of tiny boyshorts. _Shit_. She tensed slightly as my palm slipped across her stomach, fingers brushing soft skin under the edge of her thin camisole.

I wrapped my arms around her, and she allowed me to pull her closer – her little body flush against mine.

She sighed a soft little sigh into my chest, relaxing against me again.

She hadn't spoken, but her warm little body pressed against mine made my dick rock fucking hard. I couldn't help it.

And then she wriggled against me a little, teasing me. I groaned when she moved her hips against mine, and she just smiled softly and looked up at me through dark lashes.

And it was perfect here beside her – all natural beauty and strawberries and warmth and sex. _God. _She was sexy as hell without even trying. She was driving me crazy, and she hadn't even done anything yet.

I took a deep breath, trying to clear my head because what the hell was she doing?

My head spun with what Alice had said. And I knew I needed to say something, do something. Fix this. Before I just yanked those little boyshorts off and, fuck… that wouldn't be right.

But I was painfully hard between us now, and she just continued to roll her hips back and forth over my dick. And still she hadn't said anything.

I moved my hands to her hips, fingers digging into soft skin, stilling her movement.

"What the fuck Bella?" My voice wasn't harsh, but laced with lust. She knew how much I wanted her.

And she laughed. _She fucking laughed_ this soft, tinkling, musical laugh that caused my breath to catch in my lungs. And I instinctively pushed my hard on into her hip again.

"So how was it?" Her voice was calm, casual, as she snuggled into me.

_What the… _But then I understood. She was acting like we used to be. She was acting like she didn't care because, if she didn't care, it wouldn't hurt. God. I felt like an asshole.

But I played along like I always did in this twisted little game we had. Because playing along was easier than dealing with the truth.

"Really awful actually." I had to laugh, and Bella giggled against my chest. "All nails and teeth and nothing like…" I stopped short, and she blushed. She knew exactly what I'd been about to say. _Nothing like you…_

But I continued awkwardly. "And frankly, she was a little over eager about the whole thing."

"Is this the same redhead you'd told me about a few weeks ago?" she asked quietly.

Of course she'd remembered. Here I was at school sharing stories of sexual conquests while she was at home thinking that I couldn't care less about what had happened between us.

But I just laughed softly again and curved my fingers around her hip. "Victoria is nothing if not persistent."

Bella laughed, but it was clearly forced.

"We didn't have sex." I'd already screwed up royally, but I needed her to know that.

"I don't care about that Edward." She spoke resolutely, but her voice was bleak.

"Yea you do." I brushed my thumb along her cheek and then cupped her chin in my hand, angling her face to mine.

Her fair skin flushed pretty pink as I locked my gaze on hers, but she closed her eyes, escaping mine.

"Bella?" I prompted. "Is it true, what Alice said?" I had to know.

Her eyes flashed open, shining darkly in the pale light of the room.

"That you're a prick who deserves to have every female at UW think you have a small penis?" Her eyes narrowed as if she were debating the issue. "Yea. It's true."

I winced but then managed a half smile. "They'd never believe it."

"No," she mused. "Probably not."

But that wasn't what I was referring to, and she knew it.

We lay side-by-side in silence for a while before she finally spoke again.

"Yes. It is Edward. It's all true. I like you. Hell. I love you. But it's okay. I understand, and I knew exactly what I was getting into months ago when this all began. What we've had has been, well, it's been amazing, but I never expected anything more." She sighed deeply, her breath warm against my skin.

"From the very beginning, Edward, I told myself that I would take what I could get. And, damn, it's been good. But although I never wanted to admit it, deep down, I think I always knew that this… whatever this thing we have is… that it would never be enough."

She paused again, trailing her fingers lightly against my chest. "And I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry that I led you to believe that I would be happy with only a small part of you. And I'm sorry that I let myself fall for someone I knew I couldn't really have.

"We were… we _are_ too close, and I was in too deep from that very first night. And there was absolutely nothing I could do about it."

She breathed out and brought her hand to mine, interlacing our fingers under the covers.

"Edward, as hard as I tried to ignore it… you got me." She smiled then, wistfully, but her expression was tinged with sadness, with resignation, and with loss. The loss of what could have been.

But her voice never faltered. And I wanted to tell her that she was completely right. That everything she said was true.

It was the same for me.

But I just nodded and pressed my lips gently to her temple.

We lay there together for a long while, our bodies wrapped together the way they were meant to be.

But her mind was far away in a place I could not reach. So I just left her to her thoughts and prayed that I could finally have the balls to say everything I needed to say.

"I took a risk, Edward," she stated after a few minutes. "The potential reward was too great to pass up. I had to go for it. Even though I knew…well, involvement may cause serious injury to your soul and all that jazz…" her voice trailed off then, but I knew what she was thinking…what Alice had said.

She wasn't stupid. And she knew me better than anyone probably could, apart from Em and Allie perhaps. But Bella and I were different.

She thought I'd never change, even though she hoped she could be the one. And, _God, _I think, no, I _know_ she is_,_ so why can't I just tell her that. Why can't I tell her that she's all I need. I want her desperately to be mine? All mine.

But still I said nothing.

I just ran my hand across her smooth stomach under her camisole and pressed my mouth to her hair, breathing her in. An intimate gesture, surely. But not nearly enough.

"You know," she spoke softly now. More to herself, perhaps, than me. But it didn't matter. I was all hers. She just didn't know it yet.

"That first night," she mused, "I thought I was dreaming. And in the moonlight you were beautiful… But you always are," she added as an afterthought.

And I instinctively clutched her tighter to my body.

"It's like when Harker encounters the three sisters, _I had this dreamy fear…_ But I could not understand how or why because there was the want and the love Edward. _God_, the love. _And it was brilliant, but there was always something there that made me uneasy – longing of course, but at the same time some deadly fears. I felt in my heart a wicked, burning desire that you would kiss me… consume me with your lips, your body…"_

"It's the truth," she breathed, moving her hips in a circle against mine again. "You with your whispers and beauty and musical laugh. And when we're together, Edward, it's almost as though the pleasure could never come from the sweetness of human lips. You are my everything. _And I wait for more in agony of delightful anticipation… _But I know it's not healthy. _Sweet in one sense, honey sweet, and with the same tingling, awakening pleasure sending sparks through my nerves._"

She paused again, and I could feel her chest rise and fall against mine.

"You make me feel so alive" she exhaled as a murmur, looking at me. And of course I recognized the text she was quoting. Stoker's _Dracula._

The original fatal attraction. Is that how she saw me? Longing and desire and everything you could possibly want but…

"Honey sweet desire…" she repeated softly, "but with such bitterness underlying the sweet…" she trailed off, and I understood completely now.

Risk reward. So much to gain, too much to lose. Perhaps even yourself in the process.

I was afraid to raise my head to look at her now, fearing that everything would be exposed.

"Every time we're together, Edward, I wait. For everything or absolutely _nothing_. And that's the risk I was willing to take. Until now."

_God. _Her voice was erotic and sensual, but her words were haunting and painful. And I wanted desperately to make things right. To make her understand that I could be her everything. Van Helsing's Light Brigade. Good and pure and _hers _and exactly what she wanted me to be.

But I couldn't do it. I couldn't even open my mouth. And I have no fucking idea why.

The words were always there, lurking in a corner, standing in the dark. I could smell them. Taste them. But I said nothing.

Instead, I moved my hand down over her hip and cupped her ass. She didn't stop me.

So I slid my hand down to her knee, hitching her leg over mine so her crotch was pressed against my still very hard dick. She gasped, and I felt her breath hitch. But she didn't stop me as I grabbed her hips and pulled her closer to my body, rocking her pelvis against mine.

My dick ached as I felt her perfect breasts against my chest. And all I wanted to do was flip her over, belly down on my mattress, and slide my hands between her thighs. And I imagined how she would feel as I slid in… I knew she'd be wet and ready for me from the way the heat just radiated from her body as she rocked her hips against mine.

I pressed my lips against her then, thrilled, ecstatic that she let me. And she was soft and sweet like candy and sex as she opened her mouth against mine again and again.

"Fuck Bella. I want you."

_**Bella's Point of View**_

_Bella… I want you._

His voice wrapping around my name was heavenly but…

He didn't say it.

I kissed him deeply, intensely, as if I might never have the opportunity to do so again. But he didn't say it.

Those three words, though they excited me to the core, weren't enough.

_Bella, I want you. _I want you. And the air crackled between us in all its playfulness and thrill, tempting me to just give in again because we both wanted it.

But it wasn't enough. He wanted me. Yes. But I'd given him everything. I exposed myself completely. And he couldn't…or wouldn't…give me that in return.

Add _Radiohead _to my playlist de jour… _Just because you feel it, doesn't mean it's there…_

Of course, part of my always knew that it could come to this. But I'd never truly considered the ramifications of him _not _feeling, not loving, not truly wanting me and only me.

Happy end. Let's pretend.

But it's too late now because I want you and _only you_ Edward. I love you, and I need more.

He lowered his head to my shoulder, pulling his lips away. But I could still feel his dick pulsing against my stomach. I wanted to say fuck it. _Fuck me._

The bad Bella part of me was screaming, quite loudly I might add, that there was only one thing to do. _He'll love you afterwards…_

But deep down I knew that was bullshit. Caught up in the love charade. Love or like or like or love. But right now only lust.

And I always said I wouldn't delude myself into thinking there was anything more.

I've dubbed my thoughts and spliced my feelings because I love him. But I've been afraid to tell him.

But now he knows. And he wants me but can't offer anything more.

And of course part of me always knew.

He moved his hands down over the curve of my waist to my ass, fingers digging into too soft skin. And it felt good. It felt right. My skin tingled under his touch, and my stomach tightened with want.

He slid his hand between my legs, and I didn't stop him when he slipped two fingers under the elastic of my boyshorts. I gasped, wanting and not wanting him to touch me there. But he pulled his hand away, and I think I moaned his name. But I felt him exhale a shaky breath, and he pushed his dick against me again.

Edward curved a hand around my stomach then, sliding cool fingers under the thin material of my camisole.

My pulse quickened, and my breath caught. I knew he felt it too because he rocked his hips against mine again, grinding into me.

And I was warm and wet and probably dripping onto his sheets right now, but it didn't matter. He knew how much I wanted him.

I took his hand in mine and guided it under my cami, over my stomach and across my ribcage. I held my breath as he traced the curve of my breast, rubbing his thumb over my nipple softly.

I smiled when he groaned against my neck and bucked his hips against me, pressing his body impossibly closer to mine. I took his hand again, intertwining our fingers, and slid our joined hands back down over my abdomen and between my thighs. I pressed his fingers against my crotch, and he groaned at my warmth and wetness. And when he said my name, I almost gave in. But then I pulled his hand away again.

"Fuck Bella, what are you trying to do to me?"

"Nothing Edward. Just showing you what you always do to me."

He groaned again and shifted into me, dick throbbing against my hip.

I leaned in and pressed my lips to his, kissing him again. _Beautiful but ever fading… _But I forced myself to pull back, "Let me know if you ever want more." And with that, I somehow managed to roll over, snuggling against him to fall asleep.

And he scooped me up, pulling me into his chest as I wriggled my hips against him one more time. And he sighed and wanted me but said absolutely nothing.

So we lay there in each other's arms, warm and soft and wet and hard, but completely silent. And we fell asleep, ignoring the new version of the same problem that would be waiting for us in the morning.

--------------------

**a/n: Reviews for Bella's eloquence and nerve. Not so much for Edward. **

**Read the little one-shot. You deserve more smut, and it will fulfill your Eddie/Bella sexy quota for the day (or hour…)**

**Thank you for putting up with my delays. I've been slow and incredibly lame. But you've been wonderful, and I truly appreciate your comments and support -- esp. all of you willing Edward to get it together all ready. Trust me. He's working on it. **

**xo Violet**


	10. The Boy at the Art Show

Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns _Twilight_, the twilighty-ness, and the lovely characters. Bram Stoker owns Edward's one well-timed comment. If there's anything left, it's mine. Rated M. Please stop reading if you're too young to do so.

**a/n: I know, I know, I've been massive fail at updating lately -- real life and all. But I like this chapter. And it's long by my standards. Enjoy with love.**

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I woke up when the first hints of gray light began seeping through the edges of Edward's window. His body was curled and curved to mine, and in his warmth, I knew I could lose myself.

But the reality of last night came flooding back abruptly, as realities tend to do, and I knew I needed to go. So I crept from his room, squinting my eyes against the pale morning sun. It was a Saturday; everybody would be sleeping in.

Edward rolled over and mumbled something that kind of sounded like my name when I wriggled out from under his arm, but he did not wake up. And for that I was grateful.

We didn't have sex. I wanted to – still do. Came close. Closer, perhaps, than I care to admit. I highly doubt I would have even regretted it.

But a line had to be drawn. And it was somewhere this side of spilling my soul and getting…nothing.

So I went against everything I've always stood for: I didn't allow myself to give into my Edward addiction. Not last night at least.

I'm certainly not ruling out the possibility altogether though. Another time maybe. Hopefully. I have to give myself that chance.

No sex. So no legitimate walk of shame, albeit a short one, from his bed to my couch.

Still, I felt something.

Something as I tensed when his floorboards creaked. Something when I cringed, stopping dead in my tracks, when his door groaned as I pushed it open. Fear that he would hear me? Embarrassment over everything I'd revealed? Or just some twisted hope that he might indeed wake up and call me back to bed.

Yea. That was probably it. Because I knew I'd let myself give in _this _time.

And then there's Alice, knowing all that she does. She talked to Edward, so she must know how he feels. Apathy. Fun for now, but without any of that pesky commitment. Nothing permanent. Nothing lasting.

Maybe that was it. The something. My residual concerns over what my best friend must think of me. I wouldn't want her to believe that I'd just thrown myself at him again regardless of his feelings…or lack thereof. Even if I wanted to.

But nothing happened this time. My best judgment hadn't signed its resignation. Not yet at least.

I curled up under my covers, but I didn't even try to sleep. It would be a pointless endeavor. Instead, I allowed my mind to replay, in excruciatingly vivid detail of course, everything that had happened in the last thirty-six hours.

I know, I know. But I just can't help myself.

Even after he rejects me.

Because still chose me when he had other options --all blonde and stereotypically bubbly beauty. But he chose me. I was the girl. And it was lovely and intimate and needy and sexy as hell.

It was almost as if we'd both been waiting for it to happen again since that first night back in Forks when I finally had Edward Cullen and he finally took me.

Afterwards, we sat together, smoked a cigarette, watched the charcoal sky. His arm fit snuggly around my body, keeping me close. And conversation came easier then; our walls had come down, chink by chink, once we were finally together.

His words ran like quicksilver, all sexy, subtle innuendo and indication that I could have him. They slid over my skin, fueling the perpetual burn that smoldered in my stomach and spread throughout my limbs.

I rolled over, trying to get comfortable. My stomach knotted, and I was _thisclose_ to going back into his room right then and there. Waking him up, pouncing on him...

Just thinking of Edward after sex all flushed and out of breath, his velvet voice pitched low, words oozing like honey, as he told me what kind of girl turned him on. And right then in the privacy of his almost balcony, I was that girl.

Then the silent understandings we shared at breakfast yesterday morning after he almost couldn't resist having me again. Andwhat he said in front of his siblings. Fuckhot. I shivered at the thought and wanted him very much again.

_Jesus Christ_ Bella… my more rational side interjected. You really do have a one-track mind. Give it a rest for a minute, won't you? But I silenced that Bella immediately because we all know how much fun _she _is.

She's the reason I drew the damn line and came back out here in the first place. But aren't some lines meant to be crossed? I mean, what about that line Travis drew at the Alamo? Didn't the one guy who refused to cross and fight end up fucked six ways to Sunday with all sorts of bad karma?

I totally remember Jazz telling this story, flaunting his Texas heritage and so on. Rose would just roll her eyes at her brother's patriotism, per say, but I'd have to remember to ask him about it when we got back home.

Of course, rational Bella chose this moment to point out that all the Texans who did man up and cross said line wound up dead. Not the best outcome, and frankly I'm a little unsure as to why they want to remember the Alamo so badly in the first place. But Texas won its independence, so clearly some good came from it all.

And that's really what I need right about now. Some good.

It might not be Texas, but isn't a consolation prize better than leaving empty handed? I mean, when did my motto become "I've had what I can get (and it was damn good thankyouverymuch), but I think I'm done now."

It's like the purple participation ribbons they hand out at summer swim team when you finish your race. _Here you go sweetie. Everyone else got to the wall quite some time ago, but at least you made it all the way across the pool without needing the lifeguard to pull you out. _

Yes. I got quite a few purple ribbons. And I was awfully proud of them too. Purple was my favorite color after all. Well, pink too. But that was for fourth place; you actually had to beat someone for that ribbon.

So, in my book, the inventor of the purple participation ribbon was genius.

Now here I am, back to square one, thinking that some Edward is a hell of a lot better than no Edward. Those purple ribbons are looking pretty good again, as long as I actually get to participate…

_Stop it. _Rational Bella piqued up again. _Stop obsessing. _

But obviously I can't help myself. Never could. And pathetic or not, one way or another, I'm tuned to all Edward all of the time. Now I simply have more details to over analyze, more scenes to replay in my head, and a few more experiences to enhance the reality of my fantasies.

The problem, of course, is that I forgot my main rule and allowed myself to hope. Hope that maybe there could be more between us, hope that maybe he wanted me too. And not just in _that _way.

Now I'm in too deep and, just like I told him, I've known that all along. I only promised myself and pretended that I wouldn't get involved because, well, I also know Edward.

But yesterday afternoon in the hallway… I've never seen his control slip like that in public -- knowing someone else might see us together. But I couldn't feel his hands on me fast enough. And when he demanded that I come back to his room. Wow.

Okay, keep focused Bella. But the excitement, the energy, and the current that ran from his body to mine and back again was like nothing I've ever felt before. So I let him drag me under and suck me in...again, knowing damn well that I wouldn't want to stop. Hell. I didn't even need to come up for air.

That was the most intense and beautiful experience of my admittedly Edward obsessed existence. But I knew he felt it too.

Or, perhaps, there was never really anything there at all. False happiness, false affection, and false connection generated by physical connection, lust, and pleasure.

Because after everything I've felt – or, let's face it, imagined I felt, it all fell apart last night. And I've got to hand it to Edward; he did exactly what he needed to do. He proved to me, quite clearly I might add, that sex doesn't mean all that much out of the moment . The connection, the intimacy, even the love might truly be there. But it's transitory at best, and then it's gone.

But still I feel something.

No, wait. I feel everything.

Because, despite or even _as a result of _everything that has happened, I'm still completely and irrevocably in love with Edward Cullen.

-------------------

I must have fallen back asleep again because suddenly I could feel him standing over me. I rubbed my eyes, wiping away the remnants of a dream, and looked at him. His dark eyes held mine in the soft light of the morning room.

"Why'd you leave?" he questioned, a peculiar expression on his face. "I wanted you to stay."

I answered weakly, unsure of what to say. "I didn't think you did."

His eyes flashed, and he opened his mouth slightly as if he was about to say something else. But he quickly thought better of it, and, pursing his perfect lips, he turned and left the room without looking back.

This morning, when he returned from his shower, Edward closed his door while he changed. I couldn't help but hear finality in the soft click as he shut it securely behind him.

And now his door felt more like the Rubicon, and metaphorical line in the sand or not, _that's _a boundary I know I can't cross -- purple participation swimming abilities aside. Because we all know what happens next in _that _story.

Sure. _I came. I saw. I conquered_ sounds just fine to start. Certainly all things I'd love to do to a naked Edward Cullen right about now.

But good ole Caesar doesn't even make it through Act III, and I just can't stomach any more bloodbaths or betrayal this morning.

_Et tu Bella? _

Yes Edward, the world now knows that I am like every other senseless but satisfied girl who's had the pleasure to spend a night in your bed. I fell in love and thought that maybe, just maybe you could be mine.

But I think we all know I'd be more like Ophelia in the damn river anyways. With all of her madness but none of her pretty little flowers. At least Caesar had an army at his disposal. I'm just all kinds of tragic.

And I even rattled off my classic lit. quotes like Susie pink-bow in the front row with her hand in the air before the teacher's even finished the question. After all, I needed Mr. "I'm smart _and _hot" to be able to keep up.

I thought it was a suitable analogy, if I do say so myself. My Edward addiction is every bit as unhealthy as Mina's, and it just might take four strong men to help me kick the habit. But, _that _story, I recall, does have a pseudo happy ending. And that's so what I need right now.

I dressed quickly, pulling on Alice's too-short skirt again and my faded _Pixies _t-shirt. Today I added my red and black striped over-the-knee socks and Sambas. Alice cringed when she saw me, but I already knew that Edward liked the skirt.

Breakfast was awkward, aggravating, abnormally angsty and annoying. And that's just the A's. Edward had started to order for me but stopped short, mid-omelet, retreating behind an unreadable, although taciturn expression.

I stammered through the rest of my order, selecting what he would have chosen for me anyhow.

We ate in silence – the awkward, annoying kind. But I think I mentioned that already.

I picked at my eggs but was painfully aware of Edward the entire time. He said nothing, but his lovely eyes never left me. They searched my face looking for something, and _God _I hope he found it. But I have no idea what he wanted, and I dropped my gaze too quickly to tell.

I felt exposed under his stare, which, all things considered, is completely ridiculous. But I shook my hair out, covering part of my face and creating a shield between us. Still, I could feel his eyes on me, and they burned until I chanced a glance in his direction.

Our eyes met, and he grinned, the corner of his lip curving into that crooked half-smile. My cheeks flared red, and the fire quickly spread throughout the rest of my body making my arms and legs tingle before the heat settled in the pit of my stomach.

Fuck me.

Alice glanced nervously from myself to Edward and, when her forced attempt at small talk failed, focused her attention on her chocolate chip pancakes.

And Emmett, well, Emmett was hungry. And he was far too wrapped up in his own concerns to notice what was transpiring between the three of us.

Today was the school sponsored arts festival. It was a showcase for all the aspiring musicians, poets, and artists UW had to offer. Emmett's art class was required to present their best piece for critique. He was nervous. He'd been practicing what he was going to say to the judges all morning, and, if I hadn't been so Edward-absorbed, it would have been pretty adorable.

All the action was set to take place in the open area between the dorms, and the excitement had already begun as we made our way back from breakfast. Colorful tents were set up where students were hanging their art pieces, and a stage had been erected in the center for performances.

Alice bounced on her toes in excitement; I had to admit, this could be fun.

Emmett went off to join his class, and Edward stopped to talk to some friends while Allie and I roamed around. More and more students arrived, and we settled down on a grassy patch to watch the show.

The first few musical acts were solos, slow folksy stuff that had potential but didn't really do it for me. I lay back on the ground, closing my eyes, and enjoying the rare Washington sun that filtered down through the trees.

A few minutes, or some while later – I have no idea – Alice nudged my shoulder, startling me out of my sun-induced stupor. I opened my eyes to find a boy now seated next to us. Not Edward.

He smiled a thin, smirking smile when our eyes met, and I quickly scrambled to a sitting position, leaning back on my elbows.

"Hey chicas. You two new around here? I know I would have noticed such pretty ladies around before."

I blushed in embarrassment at the obvious come on, as the boy stretched out quite comfortably beside us.

Alice rolled her eyes and, without bothering to respond, turned back to the act that was currently singing its way through a poppy version of Lou Reed's _Romeo Had Juliette. _I liked this one.

I smiled tentatively at the new, not Edward boy, and he actually winked at me. Just lovely.

"Name's James. I'm up in a few acts." He motioned to the stage. "And who might you two be?" The words slipped off his tongue smooth and dangerous, and I found myself drawn to the sounds of his serpentine voice.

"Um, I'm Bella. And this is Alice." I nodded to Allie, but she continued to ignore us.

James was cute in a non-Edward kind of way. Wavy blonde hair pulled back into a low ponytail. Rugged features and a strong jaw line with a few days of sexy, I don't give a fuck stubble. And his eyes. Deep, piercing blue. Even in the warm light of the sun, the intense color was so dark it was nearly navy.

He was dressed in dark, well-worn jeans, an excellent, faded _The Clash _shirt, and Docs.

And he was attractive in a dangerous sort of way.

"Nice shirt." I ventured to comment.

"Likewise," he returned, staring far too long at my tits in the process of checking out my vintage tee.

"So," he began after a few moments. "What brings you two to the lovely University of Washington?"

"Visiting my brothers." Alice responded without bothering to turn her head.

James looked at me pointedly as if needing additional explanation as to why I was along on the family visit.

"Bella's fucking one of them." Alice stated matter-of-factly.

I glared at her.

No. Nothing was going to happen with James. Well, probably nothing. But that doesn't mean I want my lame excuse for a sex life broadcast in public. Besides, as much as I would love for Alice's statement to be true, I wasn't currently enjoying _that _experience.

"No matter," James said lazily, as if my seeing or sleeping with someone wasn't an issue anyhow. I got the sense that he, like Edward, wasn't used to being rejected.

He shifted subtly, moving closer to my side and, reaching out, tucked a strand of errant hair behind my ear. I shivered at his touch, and he took my response as encouragement, gently brushing his thumb along my exposed collarbone.

"You have beautiful eyes Bella," he lolled, his dangerous voice soft and suggestive. I blushed; Alice snorted.

I noticed Edward then, sitting about twenty feet away from us, elbows propped on long legs, watching us. A scowl marred his beautiful features; his eyebrows knitted together and his mouth was a grim line.

My stomach fluttered and, although I pretended to be incredibly interested in whatever the hell James was saying, all I could think about was how Edward couldn't take his eyes off _me_. He was clearly disturbed by the attention I was receiving from this Doc Martin wearing, not Edward, cute boy.

And I thrilled at the realization.

But I turned my attention back to James, who was droning on and on about something completely and utterly boring. I pretended to listen as he explained (in sickeningly great detail I might add) how art and music were truly his passions, his calling, his métier you might say. But he was mixing in a political science class here and there (of course) because _all _the men in his family were lawyers.

And all I could think was _holy fuck_, does this non-Edward, pretty boy _ever _stop talking because seriously…

But he noticed my gaze drifting toward where Edward sat and brushed a cool finger along my cheek to bring my focus back. "Hey, hey…" he cooed, clearly not used to _not_ being the center of everyone's attention.

"So tell me something about you, Bella. What are you interested in studying next year?" I blinked a few times, as my brain registered that I had, indeed, been asked a question that required a response.

"Uh, English I think," I managed, completely distracted because Edward had gotten up. Where had he gone? Great. Was he pissed that I was here talking to this other guy? Or did he really not care one way of another? Perhaps he was simply off to find someone more blonde and bubbly to occupy his attention. Someone who, when lying in bed with him later, wouldn't spill her emotionally unstable soul and then roll over to go to sleep.

Well played, Bella. Well played.

But then I felt Edward beside me, the unnatural charge of electricity that crackled between us. I inhaled deeply, breathing him in, all soap and clean boy and spice and heady scent. And it really made it hard to for me to think of anything else, except wrapping my arms around his waist and resting my head on his shoulder… or maybe straddling him and running my tongue along his throat to taste his salty skin.

I settled for glancing sideways at him and reaching out to brush my finger along his wrist. My finger sparked, all static and electricity, and I yanked my hand away. But I was too late. He felt it too and turned, smiling wickedly at me. I blushed, feeling my face flame red.

James was not pleased with Edward's intrusion or our brief, silent exchange.

"Can I help you Edward?" he asked, his voice steely.

"Bella," he responded to me, not James. "Would you mind coming with me now?"

"No can do, Ed. She's here to watch me play. We're up in two sets."

"Fuck off James." He responded coolly, not bothering to turn his direction. Edward was only looking at me now, leaning forward on his palms, his nose just inches from mine.

My heart flipped in my stomach, and what could I do but stand up and follow him? I ventured a quick glance back at Alice as we walked away; she'd perfected the eye roll today.

He moved quickly, weaving between the art tents and groups of students, making his way back to the dorm. I was breathless and shaky by the time we got there. And I had no idea what was going on.

"Edward," I gasped, struggling to keep up.

But he only turned and grasped my hand in his, and, with long strides, pulled me along behind him into his room. He shut the door behind us and turned to look at me. I stared back, and he was amazing, all beauty and perfection and wild energy.

He stood there, biting his lower lip, watching me. His eyes bounced from my eyes to my lips and back again. My skin felt on fire under his gaze and adrenaline pumped through my veins.

I decided right then and there that I was going to take an active role in this – whatever this was. Especially after last night when I'd simply rolled over waiting for him to say things he'd never say. Besides, he seemed to be taking some sort of initiative here. Never mind that it was completely and wholly prompted by jealousy. I think.

I walked him backwards, palms pressed against his chest, until his thighs hit the desk behind him.

"Edward," I repeated, my voice nearly a whisper. "What are we doing here?"

He gripped my hips, fingers digging into the sharp bones there. "Bella," he finally spoke. "I can't stand to think about you with another guy." His eyes, intense and dark, were dilated nearly black as they pierced mine.

_What the? _Suddenly I couldn't decide if I should be ecstatic or confused or angry.

So I choked on a mouthful of air and blinked my eyes a few times.

"Especially…especially some asshole like James." Edward's voice shook slightly as his fingers tightened against my hips.

"James?" I questioned.

"Yea, guys like James, they're no good for you Bella. They just use girls."

"Like you," I managed weakly.

His expression darkened, as his black eyes searched mine intensely for a few long moments.

I held my breath, regretting my comment.

"Bella, _I take it that you do not -- that you cannot – trust me now, for you do not yet understand. And there may be more times when I shall want you to trust when you cannot – and may not yet understand. But the time will come when your trust shall be whole and complete in me, and when you shall understand as though the sunlight himself shone through_."

His words rolled around in my mind until, one by one, they fell into place. _Dracula_. He was quoting my text back at me. I gasped, my fingers curling into his shirt, and realized I was shaking.

My heart raced and my head spun as I contemplated his words, trying desperately to understand. But he'd pulled me closer to his body so that my hips were flush with his, and I quickly decided to go with feeling, not thinking, because I've done far too much of that already.

"Are you going to kiss me now?" I breathed, clinging to him.

My head felt foggy, and I felt sweat prick at my brow. I probably looked as crazy as I felt, but I didn't care. _Don't bubble up and fight it; ya know ya gotta try it_.

He leaned in, his mouth a fraction of a centimeter from mine. I could feel his breath, warm and honey sweet on my skin.

"Bella Swan, I'm going to kiss you, then I'm going to make you cum so hard they'll hear you down the hall."

_O…my…God…_

"But everyone's outside," I murmured against his mouth.

"Then we'll just have to be louder…"

His lips were on mine again, pressing firm and fast. Our teeth clicked together and I felt his mouth curve into a smile.

"You were right, you know," he panted into my kiss. "About everything."

A little vague perhaps, but I'd make him say it later. That he was mine and mine alone. But for now I'd settle for ambiguity and allusions to dreamed realities.

My feet were off the ground in an instant, and he whirled me around, supporting my body with strong arms before depositing me on the desk, pushing things out of the way to make room for my butt.

I quickly wrapped my legs around his waist, digging the hells of my shoes into his ass and pulling him closer to me again.

Edward brushed my lips with his, as I snaked my fingers around his neck. He rocked his hips into me, and I could feel all of him pressed against my panties. His hands were all over me, as I rubbed myself against him.

"Fuck Bella, I want to dirty up your mind…"

"You already have."

He moaned, all breathy and desperate against my mouth, tangling his fingers in my hair. He pulled my head back, exposing my neck to his tongue, and he lapped and sucked and nibbled his way up to my jawbone.

I tugged at the hem of his shirt, and he held his arms up, allowing me to pull it over his head.

I slid my hands down his back, touching and tracing taut muscles, before my hands settled at his waist. And, pulling him impossibly closer to my body, I grinded against him, doing my best to control the seemingly involuntary sounds escaping from my throat.

"Do you feel what you do to me Bella?" he grunted, pushing his impressive hard on against my wet center.

And I moaned and squirmed against him, completely incapable of putting together a coherent thought, much less sentence.

"I get hard just thinking about you. And I _want _you to want me."

"I do," I breathed, as he ran his hand between my breasts. _More please._

He moved his hand around behind him and, grabbing my ankle, extended my leg outward. He pulled off my shoe, discarding it on the floor. Edward skimmed his hand along the arch of my foot, sliding it across my heel and up my calf.

"These socks are absurd," he murmured, reaching my knee.

Slowly, he peeled the offending article down my leg and over my foot. I giggled, but he quickly silenced me by pressing his lips to mine again. I darted my tongue out, tasting him, and he slipped a hand up my stomach to my chest. Finding my nipple, he began to draw slow circles over the thin fabric of my worn t-shirt.

I reached between us, groping and grasping until I felt his iron-hard length. I wrapped my hand around him as best I could through the fabric of his jeans, and he groaned, but quickly pulled my hand away.

"No. No, Bella. Not yet. First, I get to make you cum."

His voice was smooth but eager, and his words slipped and slid, hot around my body, oozing with resonating brilliance, and burning the corners of my mind. He cupped his hand around the curve of my breast, squeezing.

I moaned loudly, and he smirked, eyes flashing darkly as he scanned my body. My breathing was erratic and my skin was flushed. Slowly, very slowly, he slid one finger down between my breasts and over my stomach to the waistband of my skirt.

He moved his hand then, and I groaned in disappointment. _Touch me. _But he quickly reached under my knees and pulled my legs up, propping my feet on the edge of his desk.

Edward nudged my knees apart, leaning back so he could look up my skirt. He groaned when he saw my panties, pale green with pink lace trim. And I was instantly pleased that I only packed my good underwear.

I was too turned on to care that he could clearly see how wet I was.

He ran his hand up my thigh until his finger stopped at the edge of my underpants. Slowly he brushed it back and forth over lace and skin, driving me crazy.

I exhaled my lungful of air as I watched his finger move closer to where I wanted him to touch.

"Do you want me to touch you Bella? Do you want me to make you cum?" His voice was pitched low and gravelly, and his intense, excited eyes found mine.

"Yes…" I nodded.

Edward slid a finger under the elastic, finally touching my bare, slick skin. Slowly, he dragged his finger along my slit to rub circles around my clit. I sucked in a noisy, jagged breath and bucked my hips against his hand, increasing the delicious friction on my sensitive parts.

Finally, just when I was certain my body was going to explode, he slipped a finger inside me, twisting and curving it against my body before sliding it back out.

"Fuck Edward, so…good." I cried out, moaning his name, and my head fell back against the cabinet behind me with an audible _thunk._

And then we heard a loud knock on the door, followed by Alice's shrill voice. "Bella, Edward. I know you're in there, and I don't care what you're doing. I'm coming in in three, two, one…"

She wasn't kidding.

Edward barely had time to pull his hand away before the door swung open. I snapped my knees shut, but Edward was still standing between my legs, so all I was able to do was clamp my thighs to either side of his body. Just great.

I sighed in defeat and leaned my forehead against his chest, escaping Alice's critical, wide-eyed stare.

She surveyed the scene, quickly taking in my compromising position, as well as Edward's bare chest and my missing sock. "Um…_gross_," she managed, screwing up her nose in distaste.

"But you two can fuck later. Right now you have to get outside. Emmett's about to present his piece, and I am _not _gonna let you miss it."

She turned on her heels and left the room, but it was crystal clear that we needed to follow. Edward smiled sheepishly and kissed my mouth once more, brushing a finger between my legs.

I hissed when he made contact with my warm, wet skin, but forced myself to slide off the desk and onto my feet. He caught me by the hips, steadying me and pulling me into his still-present erection. I gasped again, and he leaned in, smiling that crooked smile.

"Later," he breathed, sweeping his tongue along the shell of my ear before reaching down to pick his shirt up off the floor.

No. He didn't actually say it. He didn't say that he loved me, or even that we could be together. But we were on the verge of something there. And I'm going to allow myself to hope.

-------------------

**a/n: The next chapter is underway and I am currently pleased. I will even give you a teaser if you review. I know, I know. I've never done that before. And I'm not a review whore, I swear. Okay, maybe a little. But I'm just really happy with my current inner Bella dialog right now. So I'll trade ya. **

**I'm working on all the good parts now, so just give me a day or so and you'll be rewarded. School starts in a less than a week anyhow, so you might as well capitalize on my post wedding, pre-back-to-work good mood. **

**xo Violet  
**


	11. Unexpected

**Disclaimer: I don't own **_**Twilight, **_**the lovely characters, or the twilightness. Rated M. Please stop reading if you're too young to do so. **

**--------------------  
**

We never really had our later.

The four of us went to dinner at a little sushi restaurant just off campus. I split a tekka maki and hamachi roll with Edward, and we made fun of Alice, per usual, for her order.

She will only eat sushi if it has avocado or cream cheese in it (preferably both). But Edward, of course, caught me sneaking a Philly roll from her plate, and his smirk made my stomach flip and my cheeks burn.

At one point, his foot brushed mine under the table and he didn't pull away. I knew it was deliberate because his eyes held mine until I blushed and looked down. Now it felt like I had caffeinated butterflies bouncing sadistically in my stomach, but I hoped very much that I could sleep in his bed tonight.

Afterward, Emmett and Edward took us to a bar nearby that didn't card. Alice ordered two apple martinis, and we sat in a booth in the corner sipping and thinking that we could totally get used to this.

Edward returned from the bar with lemony shots with sugarcoated rims; we downed them quickly, puckering our lips at the citrus sour sweet.

And he sat next to me, body pressed close.

His hand on my thigh burned my skin, as his fingers drifted absently from the hem of my skirt to the inside of my leg and back again.

I gasped when his fingers moved higher, slipping under the too-short skirt to trace slow circles and make my heart race.

His touch mixed memory and desire, and I closed my eyes, fingers curling around the edge of the table, as I braced myself for everything and nothing all over again.

I heard him laugh, soft in my ear, and I opened my eyes to find him staring, his face just inches from mine. He took my hand then and pulled it to his lap. And _oh...my...God... _I could feel the length of his erection straining tight against his jeans.

He just smiled, lips curving crookedly, and shifted his hips so I could feel all of him under the heel of my hand.

I licked my lips, chapped from biting them, and pressed my palm against his hardness. He groaned softly, exhaling, and I _love_ that I can make him feel that way.

And perhaps I'm simply moving along with the tide now, with everything splashing and whirling in my brain, but I find it really hard to care.

Perhaps I should have minded that Alice was staring with unabashed interest, but all I could think about was how natural it felt. Unlikely but beautiful. Edward ran his free hand through my hair, and we sat comfortable...until Alice mentioned fucking Jasper.

Emmett choked on a swallow of beer but then decided to ignore the comment, pulling out his iPhone to check on something boy and sports related. But Edward's beautiful face flashed darkly, glared angrily.

Alice rolled her eyes, clearly not in a mood to let this go. "Seriously Edward? You can have sex with _my _friend, but I can't sleep with yours? I love him, you know. And he loves me too. Only _he's _not afraid to say it."

For some reason, I got the distinct impression that this no longer concerned Alice and Jasper.

I shifted uncomfortably but said nothing, as I watched the scene unfold with wide eyes and vulgar curiosity.

Alice's expression matched her tone, caustic and fierce. Her words were laced with acid.

Then Edward grabbed my hand and pulled my roughly from the booth. I followed him to the bar and didn't question when he ordered two more shots. Instead I held up my glass to "not caring about Alice" because we both really did.

I watched his eyes as he ran long fingers through perfect, bronze hair. But then he nodded abruptly and downed his drink. I choked on mine, and he laughed as the cool liquid dripped down my chin. He brushed a finger against my skin catching the citrusy drops before sucking his fingertip into his mouth.

He led me to the back of the bar, and I followed breathlessly to a dartboard. Smiling wickedly, he pulled a slender pouch from his pocket and handed it to me. "You first."

I played more with reckless abandon than any real skill. I hit the wall, the board, and even the floor (but only once).

We celebrated with another lemon shot when I hit a triple twenty. It was an accident; I was aiming for eighteen. And I didn't really care that he was intentionally missing to give me a chance because he stood there in his well-worn jeans, watching me with blazing eyes and a steady gaze.

Edward ordered one more shot, and I watched, practically drooling (I know, I know) as he licked the sugar off the rim. And I'd definitely had a bit too much, but I love the way his eyes fell to my mouth as I ran my tongue along my lip.

The fan blew wisps of his hair across his forehead and into his eyes. He brushed them back with a playful flip and _fuck me _he was beautiful.

And I must have been staring because I was conscious of his every breath and the way the dim light cast his silhouette on the floor.

We couldn't take our eyes off one another. His eyes, lovely and dilated nearly black, held my gaze until my mouth tingled and I breathed his name.

He stepped in, dark eyes questioning. I nodded, sucking on my lip, and I realized I was shaking. I felt like I was drugged. A tab of ecstasy dissolved on my tongue. But in reality it's only Edward.

He brought his hands to my hips, and I could feel his warm through the fabric of my clothes. It singed my skin and tugged at my stomach. He pulled me to him, and all the air rushed from my lungs in one embarrassing whoosh. But he was smiling, all beautiful and crooked, because he knows what he does to me.

And I wondered if he realized how perfectly our bodies align, as our hips pushed into each other. But my thoughts were interrupted because he brushed his lips against mine. I darted my tongue out, tasting him. And Edward opened his mouth against mine, igniting a current between us and sending sparks through my veins.

My eyes closed and we breathed warmly into each other's mouth. He wrapped an arm around my waist, holding me tight. My fingers curled in his belt and I slipped my other hand under his shirt to trace the muscles on his back.

He sighed against my lips and slipped one hand over my hip and down my thigh. I felt his fingers graze the exposed skin just below Alice's super-short skirt. My breath caught and he chuckled against my lips, as he slipped his hand up under my skirt. Yes_ please _Edward.

And _shit! _did I just say that out loud? Of course I did, because I've got absolutely no brain filter right now, and my thoughts just come spilling out. Maybe that was one too many lemony shots of goodness for you Bella...

But his eyes snapped to mine, searching and hungry, and I really really liked it. But you probably knew that already.

His kisses were slick and warm and citrus and sweet -- and a hundred other heavenly delicious Edward things. So I sucked on his lip and slid my tongue against his and rocked my hips into his.

I could feel him hard against my stomach, and I snaked my hand between our bodies to feel him against my palm. I curled my fingers around his dick imagining, of course, what it feels like when he's inside of me.

I tried to wriggle my hand into his pants then. But just as I managed to touch him, he tugged my hand away. _What the…_

"Bella, we're in a bar…"

_Yes. Thankyouverymuch. I think I know that. _But it doesn't really matter, does it? Please don't let it matter…

But evidently it did.

Because he pulled back, arms length, hands at my hips, and smiled. "Bella, love, you know I want you, but I'm not sure if now's the right time or place."

Damn you and your pristine logic.

But Alice and Emmett were there, and it was time to leave.

We walked home, holding onto one other, leaf-lace shadows playing on his lovely face.

He held me, arm around my side, and I savored the luscious warmth of his body against mine.

"You know," I stood on tiptoes to whisper in his ear, wondering why my tongue felt so thick and if my head would ever stop spinning. "You didn't have to get me drunk. I would have wanted to have sex with you anyways."

He turned and looked at me with the strangest expression. And then his beautiful eyes narrowed into the slightest of scowls. "Bella, love…" he spoke softly, but his voice held the edge of reproof. "Please don't think…I mean, that's not what I want."

His words had a nauseating effect, or maybe that's just the 3rd, 4th, 5th? lemon shot… But still. OUCH! Was I really just rejected by Edward, I'll put my dick in almost anything, Cullen?

Serious ego blow. And I _already _felt sick to my stomach. Something's very much wrong here. Did I just hit rock bottom?

"Bella, sweetie…"

No, wait. He's still talking.

"I just think you need to get some sleep."

Great. Now he's talking to me like I'm a child. Pathetic. My rock bottom just found a deeper depth.

We get to the room and Alice is hyper as fuck. She twirls around with her arms in the air before announcing "movie."

Excellent. That's really what I need right about now.

But Edward sits down on the futon and tugs on my wrist, pulling me down next to him. And his touch pulls out every rippling thread of bittersweet longing until I'm left completely unspooled.

But I'll never rewind because his very touch is soothing.

And I felt his body close to mine. I ran my hand over the worn material at his hip, brushing my finger over the little holes there.

Everything around me is crumbling, and I feel feverish. _We could be in love, you know._

Thankfully I didn't say that out loud.

Mental Bella needed to shut the hell up right about now and just enjoy the moment. Because he's still here. And tomorrow I'll be gone.

I laid my head down in his lap. My hair fanned out over his thigh and my cheek was warm against his skin. Absolutely perfect.

And he ran his fingers through my hair, twirling the strands and staring down at me. And I wanted nothing more than for him to kiss me, but I was drunk and oh so tired…

Then I woke up. My head was aching, Alice was drooling on my pillow, and Edward was gone.

--------------------

Alice and I decided that there was no point in delaying the inevitable. We needed to get back to Forks. We both had work to finish once we were back home to get ready for the upcoming school week. And Emmett and Edward had work to finish before the weekend was over too. We would leave after breakfast.

We didn't say much, but Edward stood close to me in line, and I could feel the heat from his body on my skin.

He ordered French toast with bananas for the both of us. I smiled, appreciating the gesture. I'd miss eating with him…

We ate silently, and, as Henry Miller would say, _sans vin…_ Breakfast would probably be better with wine today. But we were all absorbed in our own thoughts and our…food. The end of a nice, long weekend is a solemn affair, I suppose.

And I knew, of course, that it's easier to say nothing at all. Especially when there's still so much that needs to be said.

We packed, and Emmett and Edward carried our things to Alice's car.

He opened my door, but his fingers hit mine, all sparks and static electricity, and I sucked in a breath but couldn't look away.

And, then again, we were on this precarious edge of everything or nothing at all. His eyes found mine, and I silently willed him to say everything I wanted him to say.

But I couldn't open my mouth either. And, frankly, I knew I'd already said a bit too much this weekend anyway.

So he touched his lips to my cheek, and I climbed into the car, and Alice drove away.

--------------------

Two days later, I stood there in the center of my room, trying to decide what to do. I didn't want to go to bed because all I could think about was _him_. He occupied my every thought, but when I slept my dreams were vivid and explicit. And then I missed him even more and everything we couldn't have.

Of course, I reminded myself, staying awake wouldn't make me stop thinking about him either. Or all the things he didn't say.

My inner debate was interrupted by a strange sound coming from outside my window, first tapping then scraping as if someone was trying to push it open.

I was one breath away from screaming bloody murder for Charlie when I heard his voice.

"Bella, it's me." _ What the…?_

I rushed to my window and threw it open. And there, balanced precariously on a tree-limb, was Edward. In the pale moonlight, he looked far more beautiful than any boy perched stalker-like outside your bedroom ever should.

"What the fuck Edward!" I gasped, still trying to recover from the shock.

"Can I come in?"

"You scared the shit out of me," I stormed, crossing my arms across my chest.

"Bella," he repeated. And I nodded. I could be pissed at him once he was safely inside. He tumbled into my room, quite gracefully I might add, landing in a beautiful, bronze-haired pile on my floor.

He didn't stand but gathered himself sinuously into a sitting position and stared up at me.

And here I was, standing in my pink boyshorts, a ratty wifebeater, and nothing else. I hugged arms tighter around my body, shielding myself rather ineffectually.

He took in my appearance, dragging his eyes up and down my barely dressed form. Then he smiled, all crooked and devious, but my face flamed red, and he dropped his gaze.

I stomped my foot, unsure of whether to be embarrassed, or irritated, or simply confused. I decided I'd start with his explanation.

"Edward, please… What's going on? Why are you here?"

Still looking down, he ran a hand through his already wildly disheveled hair. Finally he spoke. "Bella, I…I wasn't happy with the way we left things. It wasn't right."

He looked up then, lovely eyes locking on mine. My world was on fire, but I hardly noticed.

His voice buzzed in my ears and knotted my brain, and I couldn't think. But the electricity in the air between us calmed me, and I took a deep breath, closing my eyes.

Edward was here, in my room. But it was a school night, so I blurted out "why aren't you in Seattle?"

I stumbled backward until I hit the bed and reached back, steadying myself. That was a good thing, considering the next move on my Bella to-do list was probably to trip or some shit like that. And while Bella mouth vomit is super sexy I'm sure, falling takes the cake.

But he just kept looking at me like that until he shook his head, chuckling. Then he reached up and grabbed my hand. I almost shied away, but the second his fingers made contact with mine, I simply couldn't.

Regardless of what the rational Bella inside me had to say, my body responded instantly to his touch. Heat shot from my palm, up my arm, and down my torso to my stomach. I was suddenly dizzy and disoriented. I tried to swallow, but my mouth did something strange with the air in my throat, and I coughed instead.

Still, I could feel the strange crackle of energy between us. Sparks shivered across my skin, and I felt drugged.

Rational Bella told me to snap out of it and calm the fuck down, but I couldn't even breathe with the current running between us. So I let him pull me to the ground, and I tumbled on top of him.

We laughed as our bodies tangled together, my legs straddling his as I knocked him backwards to the floor.

And then I was on top of him. He stopped laughing, staring up at me. His dark eyes tender, but hungry now. He was so fucking gorgeous. Love tugged at my mind, and I couldn't believe that I could make him look that way, all flushed beauty and naked desire.

"Bella…"

"We can talk later."

_Holy mother of fuck…_ Did I really just say that?

But we could…

He reached up, hands ghosting up and down my sides. My mind was numb, but my skin was alive. And no, I don't have much experience, but I'm pretty sure that no one else could make me feel this way.

I was hypersensitive to his touch, even as he skimmed his hands over the cotton material of my tank top. The heat that lingered in my limbs and smoldered in my stomach flickered and then ignited, rushing right between my thighs, and I squirmed and moaned and breathed his name.

Then his hands were at my waist, and he was tugging my top up and over my head. I lifted my arms without reservation, and my cami was off and on the floor.

He brushed a finger over the swell of my breast, before rolling his thumb over my nipple in lazy circles. My hips found his and I could feel him, hard like iron, against my stomach.

I realized that I still didn't know why he was here, in my room, underneath me. But a very large and vocal part of me decided that it didn't really matter. Because he was actually here with me.

Any remotely stable train of thought I had was interrupted then when he pinched my nipple, tugging at it and teasing me. I squeaked, and he snickered. And I hated and _loved_ what this beautiful man could do to my body. I pressed my forehead to his chest, hiding my eyes from his. But he cupped my cheek with his other hand, turning my face up, forcing me to look at him.

He moved against me, lifting his hips again and again, as I pressed down to meet his.

We settled into a rhythm, rubbing and grinding against one another, and I shifted slightly, splitting my legs a bit wider to feel more of him pressed against my now very wet parts.

He was so hard, and although I knew it was a natural and physical reaction, I couldn't help but feel a sense of pride thinking that _I _did that to him.

And then his mouth was pressed to mine. My lips opened as his tongue slid in between. He tasted like coffee and peppermint, and it made my heart race and my mouth tingle.

He groaned and moved his hands down to my waist, pausing to trace slow circles around my hipbones with his thumbs.

He stopped kissing me, pulling back. And his eyes were heavy and dark, but they still flashed with wild energy.

"_Fuck _Bella…" he swore under his breath. His voice was gritty and sexy and so freaking hot. All I could do was think about all the _other _things I desperately wanted to hear come out of his mouth. "You're so beautiful," he whispered, lowering his head to my neck. "And you taste…" he continued, running his tongue along my throat. "You taste like sugar and sex…"

Hmmm… I had just showered before he happened to show up at my window. Score one for Bella bath products.

But his tongue licked slow and tortuous swirls along my neck. "Please Edward…"

_Oh…my…fuck…_ did I just say that?

"Please what?" he breathed

_Yea Bella. Please the fuck what?! Please Edward, fuck me senseless on my bedroom floor. We just need to keep it down a bit because Charlie is downstairs on the couch watching football. Or, maybe just please Edward, pinch my nipples and talk dirty to me while I fantasize about all the other wonderful things you and can do to me with you mouth and your fingers and your tongue…_

And he tasted like heaven and sex. And I never wanted him to stop kissing me, but I forced myself to pull away panting because—

"Edward, we need to talk."

I rolled off of him, and we were both lying there on the floor, shoulder to shoulder, panting, trying to catch our breaths.

He placed his hand on my hip, sliding his thumb back and forth over the waist band of my boyshorts. And, I know I'll never get used to the way _that _feels. So my heart sputtered, and I sucked in an incredibly noisy breath.

His fingers dipped between my legs, and slipped inside the elastic at my crotch. I hissed when his fingers brushed against my very wet skin and almost just said fuck it (again). _Fuck me Edward. _

But he chuckled, all sexy and low. "Bella, maybe you should put some clothes on. You know, if we're really gonna talk."

And I gasped and jumped up. Because, yes, I was practically naked, and he still had all his clothes on. And, frankly, he did have a point.

Then we sat on the edge on my bed. I'd pulled on an old t-shirt and a pair of pajama pants. And we looked at each other wondering who was going to start first.

But I closed my eyes and finally began, because, yes, this really needed to happen.

"Edward, don't get me wrong. I _love_ that you're here. But I have to know. Why. Why did you come?"

And he looked at me for a while, his eyes unreadable, but smoldering nonetheless, and finally spoke. "Bella, love, like I said… I just couldn't leave things the way they were...and I…"

And I smiled but shook my head. "Look, I want you here. I want you here so much it hurts. But I just can't handle this roller-coaster ride any more. I need to know… I need…" I couldn't quite get the words out, but he touched his fingers to my lips, and I stopped, staring up at him.

"Bella… Bella, I love you."

-------------------

**a/n: Oh thank God. He finally said it :D I knew he had it in him. Now just you wait… I'm really excited for what happens next. **

**Reviews are better than Edward's unexpected visits. **

**P.S. I am sorry about the massive fail I had with PM teasers last time around. Some of you got it. Others got two. Some of you got none at all. And I hate, hate that. Massive user (or fanfic PM) fail. But I promise I'll make it up to you. **

**In fact, I'll tease you again, for a review. Just let me know if I miss you. Because I really don't want to do that.**

**Love ya, Violet.**


	12. Sleep Over

**Disclaimer: I don't own **_**Twilight**_**, the lovely characters, or the twilightness. Rated M for smut and foul language. **

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"_Bella I love you."_

And right then I was sure I was dreaming…or drowning. But he was really here, in my room, saying what I thought he was saying.

_Bella, I love you_.

Not I like you or I want you, although clearly he does. But I love you.

_Oh my God… _Edward Cullen wants and _loves _me.

His words danced around in my head, dissolving and reforming, swirling like ink in water.

Fuck. I have to be dreaming.

I moved my mouth but no sound came out. And frankly, what is one even supposed to say at a time like this?

But he was staring at me, probably waiting for me to say something…say anything already.

Edward Cullen just admitted that he loved me, and I know how difficult that admission must have been for him. Everything he had to give was given.

_He loves me_.

And here I am, gaping at him like he just confessed to deflowering the middle Jonas brother.

Although, come to think of it, I'm not sure I'd be all _that _surprised by that piece of information. I mean, we all know Joe swings that way, and Edward…

Wait, is it wrong that the idea is kinda just a little bit hot?

Um, YES. _Sheesh Bella… _Jesus Christ and the f-ing Disney Channel. Snap out of it. Focus.

"Bella?" Edward questioned, looking more and more freaked out by the second. He tried to keep his voice casual, but it was tinged with urgency.

The air in my room was pale and chilly, but I was sweating.

I was shaky and dizzy, and I looked at him wondering if I'd ever be able to catch my breath again. He was beautiful, but I felt like I was underwater, staring from a pool or well for something visible and shimmering but just out of reach.

My forehead, warm and damp, felt feverish, and my chest swelled with something entirely indefinable. My heart was fluttering, my breath came faster, and my limbs felt strange like part of me was soaring sunward.

"Really?" I gasped. I could hear my voice, but it wasn't my voice. It was too breathless, jittery. My mouth felt like sandpaper. My skin was clammy and my head was fuzzy. I realized I'd been holding my breath.

I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply, breathing him in, trying to ground myself. But there was no ground to anchor in.

"Yes, Bella."

"Say it again."

"I love you."

He was throwing off radiance. I watched his mouth, his jaw, teeth. Perfect, straight and white.

I felt drugged. Ecstasy on my tongue. Heroin in my veins, flooding my bloodstream. He took hold of my arm; I was trembling.

"You were right. About everything. I need more. I need _you._" He paused, running long fingers through already disheveled hair. "I think I always have, but I didn't realize it until now."

My throat ached with the desire to cry out: run down the street barefoot screaming _fire! _But the fact that there's no fire is sure to be noticed. Still, my lungs ached like a balloon had been burst.

I looked into his eyes. They were dilated, black, alive with wild energy.

His breaths, too, were wild, fast, and tremulous. "Do you still…love me?" he asked tentatively, afraid of my answer. His vulnerability surprised me.

"Yes, Edward," I whispered in response. "Always."

Relief flooded his beautiful face and again I was overwhelmed with the intensity of all-consuming emotion.

And I wanted nothing more than to undress in front of him, watch his eyes as he watched me.

But I had to know for sure. "Edward," I started, considering my words carefully. "When you say you love me, you mean more than just as friends, right?"

He looked at me like I was crazy; maybe I was.

"Bella, love, I realize I'm crossing into new territory here, but give me a little credit."

I nodded, biting my lips. "And you do mean…only me… There's no one else, right?"

He smiled, shaking his head slightly, and grasped my face between his hands, stroking my cheekbones. "Only you Bella. Always you."

His touch, as always, sent sparks shivering across my skin, and part of me was embarrassed by what he could do to me, but I was too far gone. That delightful, familiar excitement thrummed through my limbs and my entire body felt white hot and electric.

And this was right.

I closed my eyes, waiting for him to kiss me.

His lips brushed mine and my mind went blank.

This boy will definitely be the death of me, but I can't find it in me to care. And it was all I could do not to get lost in his kiss; the sensations alone were deliciously overwhelming. But I was in too deep way before this whole _love _admission and -- _Jesus Christ… _Edward Cullen loves me!

His tongue slid against mine and made my mouth tingle, and it was all I could do not to strip down right here and beg him to take me.

Of course, this is Edward. I doubt I'd have to beg, and we _love _each other. I can do anything I want. As long as it doesn't involve having Charlie hear us from downstairs.

He kissed me, sweet and slick, until I was dizzy and disoriented and completely certain that this was all I could ever want.

He trailed his fingers up my back, smooth touch against shivery flushed skin.

I breathed deeply against his mouth, savoring the feeling. Touch, taste, smell, sense. But he pulled back, smiling crookedly and lovely.

His eyes were hot, watching me. They pierced my mind and burned my skin, lifting me higher, waking me up out of my reality and into something new entirely.

I pressed my hands to his chest, pushing him back on the bed. He stretched out, straightening long legs across my sheets. A ghost of a smirk crossed his perfect mouth, and he folded his arms, lacing long fingers behind his neck.

I straddled him, thighs pressed to his thighs, and he watched me, his eyes sparkling with playfulness and thrill.

My brain was still reeling dizzily from the unreality of it all. But he smiled a lazy half-smile and ran his tongue along his bottom lip. All I could think about was feeling his skin against mine.

I tugged off my shirt and tossed it on the floor. Edward groaned his appreciation as his eyes fell to my now exposed chest, and I still couldn't believe that this was actually happening.

But it was.

He brought his hand to my waist, splaying warm fingers across my abdomen. I tried not to gasp, but my skin does strange tingly things when he touches me, and I have to remember how to breathe.

Edward slid his hand along my waist, dragging his fingertip from hipbone to hipbone and drawing slow circles around my bellybutton. He then traced a line up my stomach to the center of my chest between my breasts, brushing his thumb back and forth over my nipple and smirking when I moaned.

I arched my back, pushing my breast into the palm of his hand. He squeezed. I sighed. It was heavenly.

Then he dropped his head to my chest, sucking my other nipple into his mouth. I could feel his tongue, warm and moist, swirling languidly, tortuously around the swell of my breast.

I moved my hips in a circle, feeling him harden underneath me. I shifted my weight, separating my legs slightly to rock side to side over the length of his dick.

"Fuck, Bella…so good…" His voice, his words slid through my spine and sent sparks through my veins.

His breath was warm against my skin and I whimpered as he teased my nipple between his fingertips.

I lifted my hips; he groaned at the loss of friction but understood immediately. His hands were at my hips, fingers curling into the waistband of my pajama pants. In one swift motion he tugged both my bottoms and boyshorts down. I kicked them off my ankles and onto the floor.

He inhaled sharply and then smiled as he raked his gaze up and down my body. I was naked now, and he was still fully clothed. I didn't feel vulnerable or exposed, but I needed to see, feel all of him.

I pressed my palms flat against his chest and slid my hands down to the hem of his t-shirt. He lifted his arms and smiled wickedly, allowing me to tug it up and over his head. I tossed his shirt on the floor and sat back again, sliding my hips back and forth, feeling his dick jerk underneath me.

Desired tugged at my stomach and pooled between my legs. I was exceptionally wet, dripping onto the dark fabric of his jeans, and it felt divine and deliciously sinful all at once. Secretly, I also got some twisted satisfaction out of getting his pants messy and wet; he was mine.

I bent my head down, my hair fanned out, shielding my face as I pressed my mouth to his collarbone, sucking gently. Then I dragged my tongue down the center of his chest, sliding fingers over smooth skin. His stomach tensed, as I made my way closer to his waist. My hand brushed soft hair below his navel, and my mouth found his hipbone.

He wasn't wearing a belt, and his pants hung low across his hips. I traced my tongue across his waist, along the band of his boxers. I slipped my fingers inside, just grazing the head of his cock.

"_Bella…_" he breathed, shuddering slightly underneath me.

But hands were at his waist, unbuttoning, unzipping, tugging jeans and boxers down over his hips and down his thighs. And then we were naked. Together.

I hovered over him, reaching my hand between us to curl my fingers around his dick. He lifted his hips, thrusting against my palm, exhaling shakily as I tightened my grip.

I dipped my other hands between my legs, dampening my fingers. I coated his shaft with my own wetness, sliding my hand up and down, up and down. He sighed, and I could feel his thighs tense beneath me

I rubbed his dick against me, sliding it between my folds, back and forth over my entrance. He let out a gaspy breath and shifted his hips slightly, causing the tip of his cock to slip inside. But I lifted myself up a bit. Not yet.

"Bella…" he murmured again, placing his hands on my hips to push me down onto him. But I liked being in control of the situation, and the sensation of his cock against my clit was too fucking good to stop.

Desire, charged, wide awake, alive. It flooded the atmosphere and crackled between us. The room seemed to sag under the weight of everything we were feeling – the everything I'd always waited for.

"Okay, love, easy…" he whispered, his voice strained. "It needs to be now."

I nodded in understanding, smiling down at him.

"Charlie?" he asked.

"Downstairs. Football," I panted, suddenly out of breath.

"We'll be quiet," he assured, because we knew we couldn't stop.

_**Edward**_

She let out this sexy, little, breathy moan and nodded down at me.

She made one more agonizing pass with my dick, sliding the head of my cock up her slit. Excruciating, heavenly, slow… My dick throbbed painfully against her palm. It was torture and bliss all wrapped into one.

"Okay, love, easy…" I whispered, trying to control myself. "It needs to be now," because I was about to cum and I wasn't even inside of her yet.

_Jesus fucking Christ…_ I am endlessly amazed by what this girl can do to me. But I love her. And she knows that now. And she's mine.

I shifted underneath her, reaching for my pants on the floor. She whimpered in frustration, moving her hips with mine, refusing to lose contact.

"Condom, love," I managed through clenched teeth because it was really fucking hard to stop.

Of course I was prepared. No, I wasn't planning on sex with Bella, per say. But I was hoping…really hoping that she would understand and still love me back, and then this, well, this was going to happen.

And I really didn't want to find out if Bella had condoms in her room because I definitely wasn't ready to deal with everything _that _implied.

"Um, no, it's okay," she stammered shyly, and I stopped, leaning back on her pillow again. She looked down at me, biting her bottom lip nervously. The sight of her teeth pressing in her soft, pink lip distracted me momentarily, but I was confused.

My face must have reflected as much because her eyes darted around quickly, looking everywhere but me. "I mean, I…" she said timidly, "I'm on birth control."

_Um… _

Not exactly what I was expecting to hear.

"It's just, um, since…" she drifted off, her fingers fidgeting with the corner of the sheet. But I knew.

"Since Mike." My voice was cold, numb.

Bella's eyebrows knitted together, and she frowned slightly, before dropping her head to my chest.

I'd hurt her.

And it was wrong. I knew that. It was ridiculous. Completely and utterly absurd. We both had pasts. Especially me. But for some reason Bella's past had never been real before. And the thought of her…of _my _Bella with Mike Newton made my stomach turn.

But I had no right to feel that way. She was here with me now. And she loved _me_.

"Bella, love, look at me. I'm so sorry. It doesn't matter. I…"

"No, wait," she interrupted, "that's not it, I mean, yes, since Mike, but…" And then she was laughing, this beautiful, tinkling, infuriating laugh. Now, I was confused all over again, and frankly I was a little bit pissed.

"It's not that, Edward," she snorted. "I _never _had sex with Mike. I mean, _ewww…_" She scrunched up her nose in this adorably petulant way.

I stared at her blankly, but she kept laughing.

"I mean, mom made me go on the pill when we were dating. You know, safety first and all, but I _never…_" And she was laughing again.

"Bella, please."

She looked at me, her eyes soft now. "Edward. It's only been you. You're all I've ever wanted, all I've ever had."

And suddenly my world was turned upside down yet again. I pressed my mouth to hers, kissing her hard. She sighed against my lips, sweet and soft. And her mouth, her breath on mine, and all her words knotting in my head made me feel things that I never knew were possible.

The feeling was exquisite. And I was filled with this possessive thrill knowing that she was mine and mine alone.

I loved her desperately, and the feeling was overwhelming and extraordinary and terrifying.

She looked at me through half-lidded eyes, and I could clearly read the naked desire and _love _on her face.

I moved my hand between us and grabbed my dick, stroking up and down. I couldn't help myself. I wanted, needed, loved her so much.

She looked down, watching the movements as I slid my hand up and down the length of my shaft. I was already painfully solid, but then she sucked in this beautiful, little, ragged breath and bit her full, bottom lip into her mouth. It was gorgeous and sexy as hell, and I really couldn't put this off any longer.

"But before," I murmured. "You never said anything before."

"Well, I, um…" she started, faltering and sounding nervous all over again. "We weren't really together and I didn't know…"

I tilted my head to press my mouth to hers, effectively silencing her.

I slid my free hand down her back to her ass, and she wriggled against me, just brushing the tip of my cock.

She was slippery and so fucking wet, but she was still biting her lip and all tentative and worried.

I needed to show her how much she meant to me. And I hated that I'd made her so self-conscious and uncomfortable because of my own asinine insecurities.

I groaned, as she continued to squirm on top of me, shifting her weight back and forth. She smiled this beautiful, lazy smile and I reached up to brush her lip with my fingertip. "What love?" I teased, "What do you want?"

"This…" she said hesitantly, still supporting herself on her palms, but easing her hips down onto me slowly…really fucking slowly. "Is this okay?"

"God yes," I managed, lifting my hips off the bed to finally push into her completely. Her fingers clenched around the sheets on either side of my head, and she made this breathless, little half-moan sound, as her eyes fluttered closed and I started to move inside her.

I realized that I'd never had sex without a condom before. And to really _be _inside Bella… so warm, wet, tight -- so incredibly tight...was beyond anything I'd ever dreamed of.

And I wanted to go slow and prove to her that, for the first time in my life this was more than just sex, but I also wanted to go fast and hard. And I wanted her to know that our pasts didn't matter because I loved her _now_, and she was all I could ever love.

I held her hips, sliding her up and down in a rhythm that matched our jagged breaths. With each thrust, I became more intrinsically and emotionally connected to this beautiful girl than I had ever been connected to anyone before. And that realization alone was staggering and terrifying and incredible all at once. But it was also _love_.

Each tiny movement, each hard breath cut through all prior sensations as the best feeling I'd ever experienced.

I wrapped an arm around her waist and flipped us over, needing to be closer. She spread her legs, hitching one calf around my waist and lifting her hips to take all of me inside of her again. Her nails dug into my back, as she pulled me to her and moved her hips to meet my own.

Closer.

Harder.

Faster.

Perfect.

My need to for her made my breath catch. It was intense and urgent, and I finally allowed myself to just let go and pound into her because the sounds she made drove me crazy and urged me on. And she wanted me.

I felt electric aura entwining us, resonating between our bodies…sexual buzz…neon light. Everything and nothing but Bella.

She moaned my name, louder now. And I was scared Charlie would hear us from downstairs. I covered her open mouth with mine, and she panted against my lips.

"Oh God Edward…Oh God…"

_Yes baby, please, come for me. _

"More please…right there…"

She buried her face in my shoulder, and I felt her teeth press into my skin as her body tensed underneath me. She dug her heel into my back, and her insides clenched around my dick, tight and hot.

I pumped into her once, twice more before I came too, shooting hard and wet inside her.

Pleasure then oblivion. I could forget my own name.

But she shuddered and gasped and sucked on my neck. I rocked into her a few more times, feeling her heart beat through my chest.

"So good Edward, so good…" she breathed. She kept her legs wrapped tightly around my waist and turned her face to mine. I brushed a damp strand of hair off her forehead, cupping her warm cheek in my hand.

"I love you."

"I know," she smiled a lazy, beautiful smile and looked at me with glazed, half-opened eyes.

I pulled out of her slowly and grabbed my shirt off the floor so she could clean up. She giggled at my expediency, pressing the fabric between her legs.

"That was…"

"Amazing," I finished for her because it was.

After a few minutes I got up, trailing the sheet.

"No need to cover yourself," she said. "I enjoy the view."

I looked back at her, over my shoulder. In the pale light of the moon, her dark eyes shone. So fucking gorgeous. "It adds mystery."

She tried to glare at me but couldn't help but smile.

I smirked back, but then bent over, letting the sheet drop to the floor. Bella groaned her approval as I rummaged through my pant pockets.

Finding what I was searching for, I stood up again, holding up a crumpled pack of cigarettes victoriously.

I offered her one. This time she took it.

We stood nude, side-by-side at her open window, feeling cool air against our flushed skin.

Brief match flare inside cupped hands. Red finger tips. I breathed in, smoke filling my throat. It was calming, but my mind still buzzed in the aftermath of everything that had happened.

I watched her lips, curling around the filter, as she took a long drag. She blew out a cloud of smoke, coughing a little.

I laughed, and she turned to look at me, defiance in her dark eyes.

When we were done, I took her hand and led her back to bed. We wound ourselves in her sheets. I smiled knowing that her skin's been here, next to the soft fabric. Now mine is too.

She tucked the sheet across her breasts, covering herself, and not seeing was insanely erotic and beautiful. She lay against me, legs hidden in white cotton, but her smooth skin touched mine under the covers.

"You should have told me, you know," I murmured, pressing my lips to her hair. "That night…you should have told me it was your first time."

"I know, but I couldn't."

"Why?"

She took a deep breath before continuing softly. "I was worried that, if you knew, you wouldn't want to anymore."

I turned on my side. I was already hard again, and I pressed my obvious erection into her hip. She gasped, then giggled, then started to move beside me, rubbing her body against mine.

"I think you give me too much credit, love," I mused. "I'd wanted you for so long. I wouldn't have stopped."

"Really?" she asked. It was adorable that she was actually surprised to hear that.

"Really. But I do wish you'd told me though."

"_Mmmm hmmm…" _she murmured, not really paying attention anymore, and still wriggling against me. She'd slipped her hand between us to curl hot fingers around my dick.

We were going to have to have sex again.

"Yes. I wouldn't have stopped. But, I dunno… we could have gone slower or something." I felt like an idiot now, apologizing for something that had already happened. But I was worried that I'd been too fast, too rough, too something.

"That night…I didn't…hurt you, did I?" I asked, not really wanting to hear the answer.

"God no, Edward," she snorted before laughing way too loudly.

"_Shhh, shhh... Charlie!_" I hissed. I loved her endlessly, but I really didn't want to be caught naked in bed with the police chief's only daughter.

"Sorry," she sniffed, lowering her voice. "But, in case you hadn't noticed, that night was probably the best night of my existence. Well," she paused considering, "until tonight that is."

She turned to face me, tracing my ribs, feeling the spaces between them. "Stay with me."

_Yes. Always._

"Charlie?"

"May or may not check on me before he goes to bed."

I laughed. "That's quite a risk you're taking there, Bella Swan."

She shrugged. "I'll take my chances. Besides, it's not like you've never slept over before."

"True," I agreed. "But, if I recall, those nights involved a few more articles of clothes."

I dipped my hand between her legs, groaning when I felt her soft skin, warm and slippery slick. She sighed a dreamy, little sigh, exhaling softly onto my neck, and I rolled on top of her, nudging her legs apart with my knee.

She was still wet from both of us, and I thrust in, smooth and slow. She breathed out, smiling up at me, and moved her hips with mine.

I knew right then that I could hold on to this forever. Slow ride building to endless ecstasy. "Bella," I murmured, my mouth in her hair. "I love you."

--------------------

**a/n: Thank you for reading. You make me smile. A lot.  
**

**Reviews for Edward are always lovely, and I'll probably tease. It might be a little while though because real life is hectic. But not too long, promise.**

**These two still have some issues to discuss, clearly. I just felt they deserved a little fun first.**

**But, if you were Bella, what would you need to talk to Edward about?  
**


	13. The Morning After

**Disclaimer: I do not own **_**Twilight, **_**the Twilightness, or the lovely characters. But I do like to see them naked in bed. Rated M for all of the above.  
**

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I woke up to the feeling of something in my face, tickling my nose, my mouth. Hair. Bella's hair. I inhaled, breathing her in, and pressed my mouth to the crown of her head. _Bella_… All sweet and strawberries and warmth and love.

Love.

I ran my fingers through her dark curls, splayed out in a messy halo around her face, while my mind replayed what had happened last night. Funny. I thought I'd feel different. Freaked out or horrified or some shit like that.

But I was just happy. And hard. Really fucking hard.

Our bodies were curled around each other. Her head was tucked under my chin, one arm draped over my chest, her other hand curled into a fist and pressed under her cheek. I think she was drooling, and it was really adorable. She had one leg hitched over my hip, and I could feel her pussy, naked and hot against my thigh.

The fact that she was still wet did nothing to help my, um, situation. I groaned and shifted slightly pushing my dick against her hip. I rocked against her slightly; I knew probably shouldn't, but I _was_ being careful not to wake her up. The friction felt amazing, and my dick jerked in anticipation. I could feel pre-cum leaking from the tip, and I wanted nothing more than to roll on top of her and push into her again. She'd be warm, slick, ready for me.

Maybe I should wake her up.

She sighed and wriggled against me, pressing her little body into mine. She was so soft. And warm. And lickable. Fuck me.

Or her.

_God…_ I wanted her upside down and halfway to happy land right now.

She slid her hand up my chest, fingers curling against my neck, brushing the stubble under my chin. I sucked one of her fingertips into my mouth, and she groaned, her breath warm against my skin.

"Bella, love, are you awake?"

Her eyelids fluttered open, and she tilted her face to mine, looking at me lazily.

"You're here…"

"Where else would I be?" I pressed my mouth to her forehead and ran my hand over her back, fingertips warm on soft skin. Damn she smelled good. Bella stretched, sliding against my body as she did so, and causing my dick to ache and twitch against her.

"I love you." I really did. _Please let me fuck you now._

"_Mmmm…" _she sighed again, slipping fingers down my chest between us and just grazing the head of my cock.

I groaned, sliding my tongue along her jawbone, tasting her, absorbed in every sensation of her body pushed against mine.

"What do you want, baby?" she purred, curling her fingers around my length, twisting her wrist, pressing her palm against the head.

"You Bella. Always you._"_

"You're gorgeous, you know," she whispered, stroking her hand up and down. And for some reason being called gorgeous out of her mouth was only sexy as hell and, of course, ridiculously Bella.

"Gorgeous, huh?" I answered, and she smiled, hearing the cockiness in my tone.

"Yea."

She shifted her hips against me, sandwiching her hand and my cock between our bodies. I couldn't help but gasp and pump into her hot little fist. She ducked her head, pressing her lips to my chest, opening her mouth, tasting me. Warm, open-mouth kisses, wet against my skin. Her hair swept across my chest, shielding her face, as her tongue teased my nipple.

She lifted her hips, arching her back, and shifting on top of me. "I love you too, you know," she breathed, sliding my cock along her pussy. She paused at her entrance, dipping her hips a fraction so I was so close to sliding in, before shifting again, rubbing the tip against her clit.

She closed her eyes, moaning loudly, and rocking her hips, before repeating the process, dragging my dick up and down slowly. _Excruciatingly_ slowly. I lifted my hips, trying to push into her, but she moved away, kneeling above and pressing two fingers to my lips.

"Unh, uh…" she murmured, shaking her head. "Not quite yet." Then she took my dick in her hand again, squeezing gently, then teasing me at her entrance again. Hot, and slippery, so fuckgood wet, and _so close…_ Back and forth, back and forth. Always too slow and not enough.

I bit my lip to keep from crying out. I had no fucking clue if Charlie was still around, but I really didn't want to find out. _Shit… _what time was it? Didn't Bella have to be at school or something?

But then she pressed the head of my cock to her clit, rubbing up and down, and all I could think about was being inside her tight little body. I felt her muscles tense, and she moaned, tightening her grip, but I didn't want her to cum yet. Not without me.

So I grabbed her hips and flipped her over, belly down on the mattress. She growled, this sexy little strangled sound, and twisted her body, looking up at me and arching an eyebrow. I just shrugged and lifted her hips, sliding them back to me, pressing my hips to her ass, grinding my erection against her.

I rubbed circles on hard hipbones with my fingers and slid the head of my cock over her pussy. _God, _she really slippery slick and ready for me. She sort of wiggled her ass and half whimper-moaned, as she tried to push herself back and onto my dick.

As much fun as it was to tease her and as adorable as she was, all flushed and frustrated, worked up and turned on, I really couldn't wait any longer either. My dick jerked against her; it was actually starting to ache.

I ran my hands under her stomach to her tits, squeezing and pressing my palms against them, feeling her nipples harden, making her groan. She arched her back and said my name, and she was perfect.

I pinched her nipple, rolling it between my thumb and forefinger, and she shrieked right as I pushed into her, filling her completely.

Her breath hitched and a low, gaspy 'fuck' escaped her mouth just as I muttered an appropriate obscenity of my own. We laughed at our matching expletives and I drew back and thrust into her again, my hips hitting her ass with a satisfying slap.

Her fingers clenched around the sheets, and she rocked her hips back into me, matching my thrusts, taking me in deeper.

"Fuck…" I cursed again. "So…fucking…good…" and I heard her moan at the words. _Shit, _I wasn't going to last long like this. But it was too good and she was so tight.

I withdrew again, pulling all the way out before pushing in again. I could hear her name with each thrust. _Bella, Bella, Bella… _It pounded in my ears and in my veins and in my cock, as I settled into a deep, fast rhythm.

I gripped her hips, fingers digging into soft skin, pulling her to me as I pushed in. Our breathing got faster, and she cried out as I thrust in harder now. The sounds she was making were sexy as fuck, and part of me, deep down, realized that maybe we should try to be quiet. For all I knew, Charlie was right down the hall, and God knows this isn't how I'd like to broach the topic of dating his daughter. But Bella arched her back, lifting her ass slightly, and the new angle forced me in deeper.

And I moaned because this really was heaven.

I knew that love had to intensify the pleasure. I certainly had a history of confusing emotion with sex, but this was real, and it was far better than anything I'd ever experienced.

And I realized that I wanted to do this again and again. Sex, fucking, _making love_. I wanted to do it all a thousand different ways. And I'd never felt that was about a girl before.

I slid my arm under her waist, supporting her as I drew back and slammed into her again.

Harder.

Faster.

Better.

Bella moved her hips to meet my thrusts, rocking back on her knees. I could hear her breathing, hard and ragged and louder now.

She was close.

I quickened my thrusts, fucking her so hard the headboard thumped against the wall, but it felt so good, I couldn't find it in me to care.

"God…Edward…right there…more…" she panted, out of breath.

I could feel my cock swell inside her as her little muscles began clenching and convulsing around me, hot and tight. Her shoulders tensed and she sucked in a hard breath. "Yes. Fuuuucck...so good Edward…"

And her orgasm sent me spiraling over the edge as I slammed back into her again, once more, and I was coming too…

But… _holy fuck_... In that moment, I heard a footstep in the hall and a voice just outside the door.

"Bella…honey?" and the door was opening, as I pulled out, shooting half my load onto the sheets but I didn't have time to care.

"Bella, quick!" I hissed, rolling off the bed and onto the floor, as she dove under the sheets, covering herself hastily as Charlie stuck his head in the room.

"Bells, I heard something…why aren't you up? You should be ready for school."

"Not going," she muttered. "Sick," and I could tell she was still out of breath.

"What's wrong?"

"Don't feel good."

"You do look a bit flushed, Bells. You gonna be okay?"

I nearly laughed out loud. Yes, she probably was a bit flushed.

"Well, I'll call the attendance office. Do you need anything? I was about to head to the station, but I could stay…if you want me to."

"No." She responded a bit too emphatically, but he didn't seem to notice. "I just, I just need to get some sleep. I'll call you when I wake up."

"Okay. Feel better." And he shut the door.

I let out the breath I'd been holding, and chuckled softly, rolling onto my back on her wood floor. She stuck her head over the side of the bed to glare at me. Her cheeks flushed pretty pink, and her mouth curved into this adorable little pout.

"That was _not _funny."

"Yea…no…you're right, love. It wasn't. That was too damn close, and I fucking came all over your comforter."

"Among other things…" she whispered, but her eyes flashed darkly.

_**Bella**_

My heart was beating a mile a minute. Fuck. When Charlie was standing at my door, I thought for sure he could hear it pounding in my chest. And then he said I looked flushed. I almost died right there.

But at least he believed I was sick and didn't come any further inside that damn door.

And now Edward was on the floor laughing, and I looked over the bed at him, and _fuck me_ he was hot, sprawled out on his back, long legs stretched out, arms folded behind his head, and naked. He should always be naked.

"That was _not _funny," I insisted, because it really wasn't.

"Yea…no…you're right, love. It wasn't. That was too damn close, and I fucking came all over your comforter."

"Among other things…" I had to smile because he did: my back, my hip, down my leg as he pulled out and literally threw himself on the floor.

But he crawled back into bed then, grabbing his shirt as he did. It was the same one he'd given me to clean up with last night. Soft and now a bit, um, crusty. I dabbed the cum off my body and pressed the shirt to the wetness on my sheets, wondering absently if he'd brought a change of clothes because, well…

But it didn't matter because he'd slid in beside me, snaking his arm around my body and pulling me closer to him.

"Well, that was nice," he teased, pressing his mouth to my neck. His breath tickled, and I twisted in his arms, sliding my hands up his back and entangling my fingers in his perfect hair, messier now. God if I could only look so freaking hot with sex-hair… I could feel his dick harden against me, and I couldn't help but laugh a little as I rubbed my hips into his.

He grunted against my neck, opening his mouth and flitting his tongue along my skin. Damn what that boy can do to me… But I pulled away, turning onto my back again. I could still feel him pressing into my hip, but I really didn't want a repeat of the whole dad almost walking in on us thing. Next time we might not be so lucky.

I shuddered at the thought.

"What love?"

"No. Nothing, I just, well I think we should wait until I'm sure Charlie's really gone."

"That's fair," he conceded, rolling onto his back as well. "But what shall we do instead?"

"Well, we could talk…" It was true. We could. And we needed too. But his body touching mine burned my skin and made it oh so hard to think of anything but…

No. Stop Bella. Focus.

"Okay. What would you like to talk about?"

"Um…" _Yes Bella, what would you like to talk about…? _My mind raced with everything I needed to say, needed to know. "Well, why did you change your mind? You know, about loving me."

He looked at me, a peculiar expression on his lovely face. "Bella," he began, stroking my face softly. "What do you mean? I've loved you for a long time. I know that now. I just hadn't realized it before."

"Well, what made you realize it then?"

"It was something Alice said."

"Alice?"

"Yes." And I could tell he wasn't in the mood to expound on that point.

"Well, I'll have to thank her then."

"Oh. So you're going to tell Alice then?"

Um. Okay...

"Well, yea. Aren't you going to tell Emmett?"

"Uh, I'm not sure. I guess I hadn't really thought about it."

"Why wouldn't we?"

"Well, I mean, I figured we would wait and see…you know, give things time." He clearly didn't have a real answer, and I wasn't entirely sure how I felt about that.

But then again, who was I kidding. I mean, I went to Seattle last weekend with the hope of taking what I could get, namely Edward Cullen naked in bed and fucking me six ways to Sunday. And I came out on the flipside with Edward Cullen, naked in _my _bed telling me he loves me while fucking me six ways to Sunday. Until Charlie walks in, of course. But that's something else entirely.

But come on Bella. Even Romeo and Juliet waited several _hours_ before officially declaring that they were, in fact, an exclusive couple. And even then, I don't think they told anyone about it right away.

Of course, they did have that family feuding thing to worry about. All ancient grudge breaking to new mutiny and the civil blood making civil hands unclean and whatnot…

All we'd have is a slightly more sarcastic Alice, and a hopefully supportive and understanding Emmett. I mean, c'mon, he's banging Rosalie for Christ's sake… Well, Edward did that too. But only the once. And now he's banging me. With love I might add.

But now was so not the time for over analyzing. And besides, one step at a time, right? I mean, we'd come a long way in the last twelve hours or so. I couldn't seriously expect for everything to happen all at once. But did he really not want to tell anyone about us?

_Was there even an us?_ Fuck. Now I was all confused.

We loved each other. And only each other. We'd totally established that last night with the whole 'you only love me' discussion and all.

But we never did establish what that meant exactly.

Was Edward my boyfriend? I mean, I'd assumed as much with the loving and the fucking and…_God the fucking_. No. Stay focused Bella. But we'd never talked about it. Come to think of it, we hadn't really talked about anything.

And Edward's never actually _had _a girlfriend. I mean, I kinda thought he might want to start with me. But now I was shaky about the whole thing.

"Edward, what are we?"

He didn't say anything for a long while, but looked at me, a peculiar expression on his gorgeous face. His eyes flashed with something unrecognizable, but then he smiled that lovely, crooked smile.

"We're Edward and Bella, love. Just like always. But better now."

"Better?"

"Yea. Better."

"Better how?"

"Well, for one, I can do this…" He slid his nose along my jaw and pressed his lips to the hollow beneath my ear, opening his mouth against my skin. I sucked in a deep breath, as he sucked my earlobe into his mouth.

"And this…" He moved closer to me, entwining his legs with mine while his fingers drew lazy circles on my hip and then slipped to the inside of my thigh.

"And I can climb through your bedroom window at night to tell you I love you," he whispered, hand dipping between my legs.

"_And_ I can fuck you in all the ways I've only fantasized about before…" His finger found my clit and he flicked it gently. I moaned far too loudly and shifted my hips, pressing down on his fingers, needing to feel more. Always more.

"You fantasize about fucking me?" I asked. Because, let's face it, I've spent hours, days, _weeks _imagining myself with Edward in every possible way, but my obsession has been verging on pathetic for several years now. The thought of _him _thinking of me that way? Well, that's just hot.

"Yes," he said simply as he continued to tease my clit softly with his fingertip.

"Tell me."

"You want me to tell you what I think about, love? All the dirty things I imagine doing to you."

"God yes…" I practically moaned.

He laughed softly, slipping his finger inside my body and twisting it, causing me to moan again and squirm against him.

"In high school I used to imagine taking you out behind the band hall and fucking you up against the wall. No one ever goes back there, you know. Or sometimes I'd picture you on your knees, my hands in your hair, and my dick in your mouth. But now that I know what that actually feels like…well I get hard just thinking about it."

_Fuck me_…

Edward laughed again, sliding a second finger inside of me. "I intend to, love."

Shit. I totally said that out loud because I have absolutely _no _brain filter right now.

"I also like to think about you on top of me. I can picture your perfect tits bouncing as you fuck me. So hot Bella. And when I'm in the shower, I touch myself thinking of you in there with me, all slippery and wet." His thumb pressed high as he pumped and twisted his fingers inside of me. _Oh…my…God. _

His words ran like quicksilver, sliding over my skin, fueling the perpetual burn that smoldered in my stomach and spread throughout my limbs.

And just the thought of Edward jacking off thinking of me, thinking of us together was enough to send me spiraling over the edge.

"Edward…_God..._You're gonna make me...I'm gonna cum…" I clenched my eyes shut and probably moaned his name again, but I didn't care.

He pressed his lips to my throat, opening his mouth against my flushed skin. "I love when you cum for me," he murmured, breath hot on my skin.

I could only moan in response.

We should have been tired. Edward had driven all the way from Seattle, and we'd been up half the night. Now, the clock read 7:18 am. But I was wide awake; excitement and love coursed through my body and tugged at my heart.

Charlie had definitely left; I'd listened for the sound of his cruiser pulling out of the driveway.

Sitting up, I took Edward's hand in mine. "C'mon."

He looked at me questioningly but said nothing as I led him across the hall to the bathroom. Edward had said he wanted to fuck me in the shower; well, he was about to get his chance.

His eyes widened in understanding when I turned the water on. He turned to face me, smirking wickedly, and I watched as he dragged his tongue along his teeth slowly, while his gaze raked up and down my body. I held my breath, staring back. Naked Edward Cullen is still the hottest thing you could ever see.

The water couldn't heat up fast enough. I stepped in, holding his hand as he followed behind me, and then in an instant, his hands were at my waist and he spun me around so I faced him. He held my hips and looked at me. His eyes, intense and dark, were dilated nearly black as they pierced mine.

He walked me backwards, and I hissed when my back made contact with the cold of the shower wall. But the contrast between the cold tiles and the hot water was both delicious and exhilarating.

And my stomach clenched and my heart raced, as this beautiful boy stared down at me, his expression predatory and wild, like a cat stalking its prey. And fuck me, I wanted him.

He didn't say anything, but pressed his mouth to my neck, sliding his tongue up to my jaw and down again. I sighed, leaning my head back, allowing him better access as he licked and sucked on sensitive skin. I felt him growl deep in his chest, but the rush of the water drowned out the sound.

Then I felt his teeth, pressing in, biting down. Not too hard, but deep enough to bruise. And _damn_ if that didn't make me want him even more.

"Shit, Eddie… That's gonna leave a mark."

"I know," he breathed, lips at my throat.

_Fuck me. _Seriously_. _Please.

He pulled back then, angling my body so the warm spray washed over me. He tilted my head back, running fingers through my hair as the water saturated it. "So beautiful…"

And right then I didn't care about whether or not Edward was my boyfriend or even that he didn't want to tell his siblings about what we had. Because we had it, and that was all that really mattered.

I slid down the wall to my knees, water cascading over my shoulders and back. He muttered a low 'fuck,' staring down at me while I ran my fingers lightly up his legs to the inside of his thighs.

"Is this how you imagined it?" I asked, exhaling a warm breath before pressing my lips to the head of his cock.

"God yes…" he groaned, threading his fingers through my wet hair.

I took him into my mouth, sliding my tongue along the length of his shaft, and wrapping my hand around the base of his cock. I used the slightest suction at first, keeping my lips soft as I slid my mouth back up, swirling my tongue around the head.

I bobbed my head then, sucking harder and pumping my fist to match the movement of my mouth.

"Fuck, Bella. Don't stop. Don't fucking stop." His voice was strained, needy, and so damn sexy.

I looked up. Edward had leaned forward, his palms pressed to the tile wall in front of him for support; his eyes were closed and his jaw was tight. I moaned around his dick, making him hiss and say my name.

I slid my free hand up to his ass, and he rocked his hips forward, thrusting into my mouth. I sucked harder, loving the sensation of him moving in and out of my mouth, and he placed his hand on my head, guiding my motions.

"Bella…" he grunted, out of breath. "Shit… gonna cum." He tugged at my hair, this time trying to give me an out as his hips continued moving softly, but fuck that. I just sucked him into my mouth again entirely, pressing my tongue against him and letting my teeth slightly scrape against his cock.

His muscles trembled and his eyes flashed open. He thrust into my mouth once more before he stilled his hips, his entire body tensing as he came. I swallowed it down quickly. He was panting and shuddering as I gave him one last sweep of my tongue before pulling my mouth away with a satisfying pop.

He helped me to my feet then, pulling me to his chest and holding me there while he caught his breath. We didn't talk, but after a while he grabbed my body wash and poured some into his palm. I rested my head against his shoulder as he rubbed his hands in small circles on my back, gliding the suds over warm skin. He skimmed his fingers down my arms and across my ribs, outlining my breast with soapy hands. By the time he reached my hips, he was hard again.

He smirked, a mischievous glint in his eye when he caught me staring.

"See something you like, love?"

_Fuck me... _This time I didn't say it out loud, but he got the message anyway. He kissed my forehead, cheek, chin, before whispering 'I love you' in my ear.

And then he took me. Strong arms supporting my weight as I wrapped my legs around his waist. I gasped as he entered me, slick skin and smooth thrust.

His lips crushed mine as he moved his hips faster. I held on, fingers gripping water-wet skin, as he groaned against my lips. My heart was pounding in my chest and my breathing was hard and fast; I cried out, needing more, and he gave it to me, thrusting deeper, harder.

And there were gaspy moans, and steam, and muttered curses as we got closer. He breathed my name into my mouth and dropped his head to my shoulder.

"God Bella, I love you…I love you so fucking much." His words knotted in my brain and slid down my spine, and pushed me higher.

I came first, but he followed quickly, pulsing hard while I clenched around him. He kissed me once more and set me down gently, keeping warm hands on my hips to steady me.

When the water ran cold, we got out, and he dried me off, fingers lingering on sensitive skin.

"I can't get enough of you," he whispered, and I sighed because I would never get enough of him.

But then my stomach growled, effectively shattering the mood, and he laughed, lips forming a lopsided smile.

"Breakfast?"

-------------------

**a/n: Sorry for the long wait. I was working to finish the last few chapters of my other fic. But it's done now, and I am happy, so you get a smutty update. Edward worries me a bit though. Don't doubt his love, but there seem to be a few other issues to work through.**

**Reviews for mornings after and shower sex**


	14. Question Mark

**Disclaimer: I do not own **_**Twilight **_**or the characters. Barbara Kingsolver owns Adah Price's lovely rhymes from **_**The Poisonwood Bible**_**. Rated M. **

**a/n: What's this? An update? Thank you for putting up with my delays. Real life has been crazy at best. Please enjoy.**

-------------------

Edward drove the thirty minutes into Port Angeles for breakfast. Neither of us felt much like running into Charlie or one of his fellow officers at the Forks diner and having to explain Edward's sudden appearance or why I was no longer at home in bed sick. That conversation would get awkward real quick.

I picked at the chipped purple paint on my fingernails. I was nervous for some reason, though I couldn't quite decide why. We'd done far too much together in the last twelve hours for me to be nervous around him.

Still, I knew we needed to talk.

I wanted to know what he'd meant last night when he'd balked at the idea of telling Alice and Emmett about our relationship…or pseudo-relationship…or arrangement…or whatever it was we had.

_Fuck_. What did we have?

I was already envisioning the status change on my facebook page: _it's really fucking complicated with Edward Cullen…_

The '_with Edward Cullen' _part made me smile just a little bit.

Of course I'd never actually do it. Not if I wanted to continue being in any kind of relationship at all. Edward wasn't exactly the boyfriend type. I knew that. But I couldn't help but imagine the look on Jessica Stanley's face when she found out that I was the girl who finally managed to become more than just a notch on Edward's well-worn belt.

"What are you thinking about?" His smooth voice cut through my rambling inner dialog. "Last night when you were on top of me? Or this morning in the shower? Or maybe how good it felt the minute before Charlie almost walked in on us?"

His words melted against me, and suddenly I honestly couldn't remember what I'd been thinking about because surely those thoughts were much much better…

His hand was on my knee then, burning, touching, sliding up my thigh. I gasped and he smirked. Typical.

But we were there, and he pulled his hand away as I struggled to catch my breath, feeling my heart pounding in my ears. _Jesus Christ…_ Would I ever get used to him?

I turned my head because he was watching me, eyes blazing, lips parted slightly. My head spun and my throat did something embarrassing with the air in my chest, but the answer was clear. No.

He was around to my door in an instant, and he took my hand in his as I climbed out. Heat shot from my palm up my arm and down my torso to pool between my legs, and I definitely would have stumbled had he not been holding on to me. _Sheesh Bella…_

But he just chuckled softly and smiled that crooked smile, and suddenly I was even more in love.

We walked into the restaurant, his arm around my waist now. The hostess looked up from her book; her eyes immediately focused on Edward. It was all I could do not to stick out my tongue when I saw her expression.

I smiled, sickeningly sweet. _Yea. He's mine_, the possessive, little spiteful Bella inside me wanted to add. But I kept my damn mouth shut for once.

We were seated at a booth near the back. My stomach flipped, and I nearly squealed when he sat down next to me rather than across. That had to mean something, right? But I stopped overanalyzing long enough to look at the menu. French toast for me.

The waitress gaped at Edward when she came over to take our order. I glared.

We didn't say much while we waited for our food, but the limited conversation wasn't forced or awkward. The weather didn't come up at all, which was probably for the best. It was wet, cold, raining. Always raining.

"Do you have to go back today?"

He merely nodded.

Of course he did. And I'd have to go back to school tomorrow as well.

I took a sip of juice.

"When will I see you again?" My voice shook a bit, and I hated that. Hated that I cared so much, hated that I was actually dreading our impending time apart. But of course I was. Obsessed, remember? But now there was something else to it as well.

"I'll be home for Thanksgiving in a few weeks."

I nodded, trying my damnedest to be nonchalant and failing miserably.

He brought his hand to my cheek, trailing a finger across my skin, and peered into my eyes.

"I'll miss you too," he murmured, "but it won't be that long."

I closed my eyes, leaning into his touch. But the waitress returned with our breakfast, and he pulled away.

We ate silently. I was nervous, on-edge all over again. And I knew I couldn't bring myself to ask what I desperately wanted to ask.

_Am I your girlfriend?_

And perhaps it was petty and stupid because _I_ _had him_. But I wanted confirmation, even if I couldn't bear to know.

So I asked the next thing that came to mind.

"Why'd you do it? With the red head I mean…Victoria." My stomach churned, as I remembered.

I heard Edward swallow, but he said nothing and speared another bite of pancake with his fork.

After several long moments, he finally spoke. "I suppose, perhaps, I was scared."

He paused. And for a while I was worried he wouldn't say anything more.

But then I felt his hand grasp mine under the table.

"I was scared Bella. Scared because I wanted you more than anything I'd ever wanted before." His fingers curled around mine more tightly, and I trembled slightly.

"I was going to tell you, but I wasn't sure if you felt the same way. And then we went to that party, and all I could think about was taking you home to bed with me. But you ignored me, and I—"

He stopped then and shook his head slightly. "It really doesn't matter now."

"Edward, please." I heard my voice, but it wasn't my voice. It was scratchy, jittery, and an octave too low. But I needed him to tell me.

He looked at me, his expression pained, but his eyes reflected something else I couldn't quite place.

"And I did what I always do Bella," he hissed. His voice was harsh, but he didn't let go of my hand. From his tone, though, I realized that he wasn't going to say anything more on the subject.

_What_ _he_ _always_ _does_. I cringed. Yes. Edward has a history of jumping into bed with the first available blonde…or, in this case, red head that expresses interest. And since nearly every beautiful girl is suddenly 'available' as far as Edward Cullen is concerned…

I stopped myself there.

He was right. It didn't matter anymore. _He was mine. _I repeated the words in my head, trying to force myself to believe it. Perhaps I was being ignorant. Foolish. Unseeing. But without such ignorance, how could we live? _I want this_. _I want him_. Regardless of the risks.

Besides, if you know in advance what was going to happen…if you knew the consequence before the action itself, well, I think you'd be doomed. Dorian Gray would have never sold his soul. But what fun would that have been, after all?

I smiled, dipping my finger in the powdered sugar on my plate.

"The weight of the world is love…" he mused, cupping my chin in his hand.

I sighed, remembering the poem. "Ginsberg, right?"

He nodded.

"Sounding suspiciously like John Lennon to me."

Edward laughed at that. I scowled. But he leaned in, brushing his lips against mine. "Alan Ginsberg wrote that nearly fifteen years before that Beatles' song you're clearly thinking of. And, frankly, I think the sentiment is quite different."

His breath washed warm and sweet over my skin, and honestly I wasn't in any position to argue.

"So I take it you'd like to get lost in the supermarket with me?"

That was Ginsberg, right? Or was it _The Clash_. Both maybe, but it didn't matter. He loved _me. _ Not Victoria, or Reagan, or Jessica, or anyone else.

He laughed again, his lips still inches from mine. But then he pulled away. "You know," he paused, staring at me, a reflective albeit devious glint in his eyes. "Syrup, I think, has potential."

I watched as he collected some on his coffee spoon before turning back to me and, holding the spoon up, dribbled some on my lip. I held my breath, feeling the thick, warm liquid slip down my chin.

He leaned in then, his face inches from mine. "Yes. Definitely potential."

He slowly dragged his tongue, warm and moist, along my lip. I tensed and held my breath, as he kissed a line across my jaw, sucking the syrup into his mouth.

"Edward…" I breathed, tilting my head so his tongue could slide along my neck.

There was no syrup there, but it hardly seemed to matter. Nothing ever mattered but Edward.

I think I moaned. Loudly. Because he pulled back smiling, charming, dangerous, and lovely, before brushing my hair back and kissing me again.

"I do love you Bella," he whispered soft against my skin. And I smiled and nodded and loved him too.

His arm was around my waist, his hand on my hip tugging me closer to him. I felt his warmth through our jeans, as his thigh pressed to mine. He hooked his ankle behind mine, intertwining our legs under the table.

I moaned again and snaked my hand around his neck to pull his mouth back to mine. He kissed me hard, tongues outlining lips, tracing teeth, sliding slick and sweet.

Clearly I have no sense of public decency as far as Edward is concerned. But I didn't even notice until I heard the waitress' startled gasp behind me.

"Oh…_wow…" _

Her words slipped down my spine and knotted in my brain. My cheeks burned, but I couldn't bring myself to pull away.

He leaned back though, smiling wickedly over my shoulder.

"I'll, um, I'll check on you in a few minutes," the waitress stammered backing away.

He kissed me again then, lips syrupy sweet against my own. Edward took my hand and pulled it into his lap. _Oh…my…God… _I felt all of him pressed against my palm. He was so hard.

My pulse raced and I sucked in a quick breath. My expression must have given me away because he laughed his easy, beautiful laugh and kissed me again, languidly, teasingly.

He bucked his hips, and I felt his dick jerk under my hand.

"_Fuck_…"

He smirked, and I blushed a deeper shade of crimson. _Yea,_ definitely said that out loud. But he rocked his hips again, and I slid my hand along the length of his erection, and this time _he _moaned. And my stomach twisted and my breath caught and I _love _that I can do that to him.

He leaned back, resting his head against the back of the booth, and closed his eyes. And I knew it was completely inappropriate, but I couldn't help myself, so I continued stroking him up and down, up and down, swirling my thumb around the head of his cock through his jeans.

His breathing was heavier now, and his eyes flashed to mine, dark and wanting. So hot.

He sucked his lip into his mouth, and I could tell he was trying not to cry out. White teeth pressed into soft, pink flesh distracted me briefly before my gaze fell back to his lap again.

I could feel him watching me and, for a moment I was embarrassed, but then I felt his hand on my back, fingers sliding up my spine to tangle in my hair.

"Don't stop," he hissed.

The air sparked between us, pulsing white hot and electric, as his eyes found mine and mine found his. The desire was plain across his face, and I imagined him imagining me. My forehead, my cheeks pricked with heat as another wave of want washed through my body to settle in my stomach and between my legs.

I felt his muscles tense, and he inhaled deeply, grabbing my wrist. "Okay...too good... You have to stop now, Bella…" he managed.

"But I like it."

"Not as much as I do." His voice was tight, rough, sexy strained. "But you're about to make me cum."

"I want to…" Again, my voice but not my voice. Level, but with an edge of seduction that I didn't recognize but liked all the same.

He tossed a twenty on the table and took my hand. "Let's get out of here."

I followed readily, as he practically dragged me outside to the car.

Once inside, he leaned across the seat and kissed me hard, hands in my hair, chest pressed to my chest, breath warm in my mouth. He wrapped an arm around my waist then and pulled me over to situate me on his lap. I straddled him, pressing my mouth back to his eagerly. Too eagerly perhaps, but I was well beyond caring. I could yield to this a thousand times.

He rocked his hips under mine, and I could feel him pressed hard beneath me.

I heard his voice above my pounding heart: "Fuck Bella, if you were wearing a skirt right now, I wouldn't be able to stop myself."

"Don't."

His eyes burned, and my stomached tightened, and a very small part of me couldn't believe I was actually suggesting what I was, indeed, suggesting.

But thankfully my more intelligent side took over and silenced the opposition. I mean, Charlie didn't have jurisdiction in Port Angeles. Although, I was quite certain that the nice cop who did happen to discover us would have no problem whatsoever filling him in...

But that so wasn't the point right now because Edward was about to head back to Seattle, and we all know what that entails. It would be weeks before I got to see him again, and I sure as hell wanted him to remember _this_. Fuck. Has Edward ever gone that long without sex? I racked my brain trying to remember, but this wasn't the time because his hands were at his waist, unbuckling, unbuttoning, tugging his jeans over his hips and down his thighs.

I sat up on my knees as he undid my pants as well. Then I had one leg off, and his hands ghosted up and down my thighs, touching, teasing, to slip under the elastic of my panties and push them aside.

His hips brushed against mine, and I placed my palms flat against his chest, steadying myself as my knees squeezed hard against his hips.

I reached my hand down between us to curl my fingers around his dick, twisting my wrist, sliding my hand up to the tip to collect the moisture there. I could feel his breath, shallow and quick, and watched him squirm beneath me.

I shifted my hips, rolling my pelvis forward, feeling the tip of his cock slide over my clit. He groaned, grabbing my hips, stilling my movements.

Then he reached across the seat fishing something out of the glove compartment. I raised an eyebrow in silent question, as he tore the wrapper and pulled the condom out between his thumb and forefinger. He just shrugged and leaned back to roll it down his length.

_Right…_ It suddenly dawned on me. His car. Wouldn't want cum all over the leather seats. I couldn't help but smile, finding the precaution amusing, endearing, and oh so Edward.

But I certainly couldn't think any more of it because he ran his hands down my sides to grab my hips. I held my breath and bit my lip as he slid me down onto him, inch by sinfully slow inch.

"_Oh…my…fuck…"_

"My thoughts exactly," he drawled, lifting his ass up so his hips met mine with a satisfying smack.

Our breathing matched, hard and fast, as he laced his fingers through mine, pushing up and in again.

"Good, so good…"

"Yes," he groaned, quickening his movements. And I swear it was like drowning. Everything shimmered, roared, and throbbed, but at the same time it was silvery, slow, and clear. I could get lost in the thrill of it all, and I clung to him as he thrust into me, head on my shoulder, tongue on my neck, fingers digging into my hips.

I felt waves of pleasure, long and dark, rising and falling, against the clear glare of the sun through the window.

We moved together. Faster and more. I needed all and now.

I could feel the satisfaction and excitement flowing from his body to mine. The air was opalescent with it.

"Shit Bella," he ground. "I'm going to…I'm going…I can't stop."

He came then, pulsing inside me, gasping for breath.

I felt his heart beat through his shirt, as he held me in warm, strong arms.

"Wow… Sorry, love," he whispered, pulling out slowly. He was apologizing, perhaps, because I didn't cum too, not realizing how good it is to know that I can make him feel that way.

"Well, I did tease you clear through breakfast."

"That you did."

But then he slid his hand down behind my knee to lift my leg up. And I watched, foot propped up on the seat, as he pushed his fingers into me. Thumb pressing up high. Smooth, sure strokes. Fingers twisting and circling, exactly where I wanted, and then I was cumming too.

And he smiled, an easy, smirking smile, while I shuddered and gasped and tried to remember how to breathe.

"God, I'm gonna miss you."

"Me?" he inquired innocently. "Or just the mind-blowing orgasms? That's what, three today?"

I smacked him but laughed, scrambling back across to the passenger's seat – not an easy feat with your pants half on. But if Edward noticed my natural poise and grace, he refrained from commenting on it.

"Maybe I'll miss you a little bit too," I conceded, because joking made it easier not to worry about the loss.

He drove me home and walked me in, holding my hand in his.

"I'll call you, okay?"

I nodded, and he kissed me sweetly, and then he was gone.

-------------------

Edward didn't call me that evening, but Alice did.

"Where were you today?" she demanded.

"I was sick."

"You weren't sick yesterday…and I talked to you last night." She paused, and I could practically hear the wheels in her head turning. "Did something happen? Are you okay?"

"Yea, Allie. I'm fine. I just wasn't felling well today."

"Bella, what's going on?"

She clearly wasn't going to let this go. Damn her and her freakishly accurate intuition.

"Bella?" she repeated.

"Edward!" I blurted out. "Edward was here."

"Um…why?"

Silence.

"Bella, what did you do? No, wait…" she paused, considering. "Do I want to know?"

"No." Well, she probably wouldn't.

"Bella!" she practically shrieked. I held the phone away from my ear.

"Why was he there, Bella?" her voice was calmer now, restrained, but still suspicious. And I knew that I couldn't _not _tell her. Regardless of what Edward and I were…or were not, I couldn't hide it from Alice.

"He wasn't happy with the way we left things…in Seattle you know. But he loves me, Alice. He came to tell me that."

More silence.

"Alice?"

"Yea, he does Bella." Her tone was soft, reflective, but there was something else there too.

"You knew that Edward loved me?" And I couldn't decide if I should be confused or angry.

"Yes. For quite some time."

"Why didn't you tell me?" I whispered.

"Oh, Bella… I don't know. It's just, well, I didn't want you to get your hopes up or anything. I mean, Edward is… well, you know Edward. And he _does _love you, but I'm just not sure that's enough."

Her remarks stung, and I was a split second away from saying something inappropriately nasty. But I stopped myself because I knew she was right.

Of course, that certainly didn't mean I wanted to or was ready to hear it. So I took a deep breath and spoke as calmly as I could. "I know Alice. Believe me, I do. But I also know how much I love him…how much I'd like this to work. And frankly, it's all I've got, so I'm gonna make the most of it. And, well, who knows."

I exhaled loudly and waited for her to object. But she didn't.

"You're right Bells. Of course you are. And if anyone's gonna change Edward, it sure as hell will be you. He's never loved anyone before and, well, you've been all he's really wanted for ages now. He just took his damn sweet time figuring it out."

I laughed.

"Besides, I'll kick his ass if he hurts you. So, at least you've got that going for you."

Not the biggest vote of confidence, but Alice was firmly on Team Bella now, and that's the best I could ask for.

"Thanks sweetie. I love you."

"_Pssshhh…_" she grumbled. "Just not as much as my playboy brother. But I guess I'll deal. And you know I love you too. Oh! And don't forget to read Act I of _Hamlet _tonight. You missed the intro today, but Mrs. Davids will be pissed if you're behind.

"Okay. Thanks. I'll see you tomorrow. G'night."

_Hamlet_. Great. To be or not to be. That always seems to be the question. To be Edward Cullen's girlfriend…_only_ girlfriend would be positively heavenly of course. But we all know what happened to poor Ophelia.

But then again, Hamlet's flaw was always his inability to act and, well, neither Edward nor I seem to have had much problem with action as of late.

-------------------

Edward sent me a text as I was about to go to bed.

_Safe. Thinking of you. –E_

I responded: _Same with love. _

Nothing more.

I completed my required reading and went to bed. I woke early, sunlight pouring through my window.

_Sunrise tantalize_. But Adah Price understands. _Evil eyes hypnotize_ because it irritates me to no end that it can be beautiful outside when he's gone. Lovely dawn sky. Pink blossom, rose-colored air streaked with silver clouds.

But he's still not here; I wish for rain to match my mood.

And days pass. One after another, while I count the time remaining to Thanksgiving and Edward.

Sunrise. Sunset. Morning comes, and everything's undone again by nightfall. _The sun sinks away, the sky bleeds, passes out, goes dark, and nothing exists. _

Before everything begins again tomorrow.

And tomorrow. And tomorrow.

I spent hours reading, filling my time with words. Atwood for Edward. Shakespeare for class. Wilde for me. After all, I love the aesthetic decadence that _The Picture of Dorian Gray _espouses. Who wouldn't want to detach themselves from life and live only for beauty? Edward's beauty and the pursuit of pleasure.

I'd taken to imagining him going about his day. Nothing new really. But the clarity of my visions are always refreshing.

I lay in bed at night obsessing…imagining. Joy clutches at my throat for what I have, but in the same breath there is always panic because honestly I have no idea what he's doing up there.

We talk every few days, and he texts me at night. Short and sweet and intimate as a text should ever be.

Those messages always make me wet. Make me burn. Make me want him more than I should possibly want anything at all. But he's still miles and miles away and completely out of reach.

At night, echoes float in my room, and I remember the last time we were together here.

Our breaths, ragged and rough, as we clutched at each other. Ours and ours alone. Love and pleasure. Slow thrusts, soft touches, intimate, needed release. And the way our bodies aligned perfectly as we lay naked together afterward. Still touching, needing. Slick, overheated skin and hot, whispered words.

The gray light of dawn came through my window causing the air to ignite and the floor to glimmer.

I have to go back to school. One more day without Edward.

But I can still see him. He's always the focus of my mind. Each detail distinct – eye, mouth, hand. My mind holds him, then my alarm clock sounds, jarring me awake. His image is dispersed into broken color, but he's still beautiful.

I wonder if he sees me too.

-------------------

It was two weeks before Thanksgiving, and I made up my mind. Charlie mentioned Wednesday morning over oatmeal that he and Billy would be off fishing all weekend.

"I'm sorry to leave you Bells, but I imagine you can entertain yourself for a few days."

I smiled and nodded. "Yea, Dad. I'm quite certain I'll manage."

He laughed. "Figured you would."

That's all I took. My decision was made: I'd go to Seattle.

-------------------

I called Edward that night to tell him my plan, thrilled at the prospect of seeing him again and looking forward to his enthusiasm at my impromptu visit.

Unfortunately, his reaction wasn't exactly what I was going for.

"Shit Bella—I miss the fuck out of you. You know that. I think about you constantly. And I dream about you too -- probably more than I should. Let's just say it's a good thing Em and I have separate rooms."

He laughed his lovely, sexy laugh. My cheeks flushed so hot I was certain he could feel it through the phone.

"I wondered if you dreamt about me too…" I whispered.

"God yes…"

And his words sent shivers sliding down my spine to twist in my stomach.

"So this weekend…?" I ventured again.

"I just can't, love. I really can't. With the holiday coming up, I've got two huge midterms next week and I have to get some serious work done. I'm sorry. I'd much prefer spend the time with you."

"Yea, I know," I murmured, trying to keep my voice from shaking. It was a completely understandable reason. Of course he had midterms. But I couldn't hide my disappointment.

We chatted for a few minutes more, and he told me he was literally counting the days until Thanksgiving break.

"Me too."

"It'll be perfect, love. And just think of all the sinfully delicious things I'll be able to do to you…"

I gasped, and he laughed.

"I love you. I'll call you this weekend." And he was gone.

-------------------

I was in a foul mood the next day. Alice, of course, called me on it. We sat together at lunch. "Yea. That totally sounds like Edward. Damn overachiever. You know what a moody little fucker he'll be if he doesn't end up with a perfect 4.0 his first semester at UW."

She had a point, but I still didn't feel much like eating.

Jasper and Rosalie joined us a few minutes later. Alice literally bounced into Jazz's lap. I groaned and rolled my eyes her. She stuck her tongue out at me, but extricated herself from his arms and sat back down.

Rose picked at her salad, clearly disinterested in the entire scene.

I never really liked Rosalie Hale much. Oh hell, who am I kidding? I've always hated her guts. Or maybe I'm just jealous… no, of course not. Well, _maybe_, but whatever. I mean, she's drop-dead gorgeous, all blonde and leggy and fuck-me heels even at school. Who does that?

And she did fuck Edward once. But only the once as far as I know. And I have him now.

But I still can't stand her.

Unfortunately, with the whole Alice in love with Jasper thing we see a whole lot more of Rosalie.

She is exceptionally close to her brother, and I understand the intrinsic connection twins share from my friendship with Edward and Em, even when they seemed to have so little in common.

Strange. As much as I like Jasper, I dislike Rosalie. But they are exceptionally good to one another, and every few days Rose joins us for lunch.

Alice simply rolls her eyes, while I focus on keeping my nasty thoughts to myself.

"Why the long face, Bells?" Jasper interrupted my musings.

"Oh, don't mind her," Alice responded. "She's just pissy because she wanted to go to Seattle to see Edward this weekend, but he has to study or some shit so he told her it wasn't a good time."

Rosalie actually snorted.

We all looked to her in surprise. He shoulders were shaking in silent laughter, and she was now dabbing her eyes with a napkin.

"What gives, Rose?" Jazz demanded.

"Oh it's nothing," she managed, shaking her head and laughing an icy laugh. Her tone was far from humorous.

I had to bite my lip to keep from screaming at her. "What do you know, Rosalie?" I practically spat.

She looked at me and pursed her lips, as if considering something for a few moments. Finally she spoke again, flipping her long hair back and focusing pale eyes on mine.

"Edward truly has no talent for monotony."

"What the fuck is that suppose to mean?" I tried to keep my voice even, but I don't think I was very successful.

"Oh fine," she continued. "If you really want to know."

I nodded.

"Of course I don't know for certain what Edward really has going on this weekend. But I have a feeling studying probably isn't on the agenda."

I glared at her, waiting for her to continue.

"It's just, you see, I'm going to Seattle this weekend as well. Emmett invited me. Evidently there's some huge party that absolutely can't be missed."

-------------------

**a/n: I know I know… But I'm sure Edward has his reasons. Reviews for love and happy resolutions. Or, at least, for quickies in the front seat of the Volvo. **

**Thank you for your patience. I intend to get my act together and update much faster next time. I did recently post a sexy, slashy Jasper/Edward one-shot. I'm quite partial to it. Check it out; you just might like it :D**

**xo Violet **


	15. Punch and Misunderstandings

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or the lovely characters. Rated M.**

**a/n: Not quite in time for Christmas but please enjoy with love.**

"Bella, sweetie, I'm just not sure that's a good idea."

"No," I practically growled. "It's probably not. But that doesn't mean I'm any less likely to do it."

Alice nodded and chewed on her fingernail; I scowled in the mirror. She knew I was right. Or wrong and just really stubborn.

We were in the bathroom missing Trig because I so wasn't going to deal with that right now. Alice was indulging me. She sat on the counter, legs dangling off the side; I hunched over the sink, still scowling so I wouldn't cry.

"Rosalie Hale is a…a fucking little…" I couldn't seem to think of a word nasty enough.

"She's a bitch," Alice said frankly. "We already knew that. But even she admitted that she really has no idea what Edward is up to this weekend. _So_, I'm not entirely convinced that this is the time to panic."

I glared but didn't object.

"Besides," she continued. "Edward drove all the way to Forks not two weeks ago to tell you he loved you."

"Yea. And you said yourself that that might not be enough." I tacked on a scathing look for emphasis.

Alice rolled her eyes. "True…"

She was obviously doing her best to stay patient and calm.

_I know, I know_. Alice equals good friend, Bella equals bad friend in this relationship.

"Bella…" she tried again, her voice expertly restrained. "You _know _Edward."

"Exactly!" I screamed, nearly smacking Alice as I flung my arms in the air.

"No…" she responded, taking a deep breath. "You know that he is obsessive compulsive about his grades. In all likelihood he _really _does have to study." Her tone only thinly veiled her annoyance with me.

The bell rang, startling us, and I was glad to have an excuse to end the conversation. I picked up my bag, slinging it over my shoulder, and headed for the door. But I paused after a few steps. Alice was still sitting on the counter, watching me.

"I'll admit there is a _remote_ possibility you're right," I conceded, hoping against hope for a lot more than that. "But, I'm still driving to Seattle tomorrow."

She hopped off the sink, shaking her head.

"You'll come with me, won't you?"

"Absolutely not. You get to be crazy all on your own this weekend."

-------------------

Charlie planned to head to Billy's after dinner Friday night, so they could get up at the ass crack of dawn the next morning to go fishing. I still wonder what drives a man to fish at such ungodly times. And in Forks in late November? _Sheesh… _

I'll never understand, and, frankly, I don't want to. I'm more of an inside girl.

But I made fajitas because _God_ knows what they eat when they're out there.

Dinner was tasty but quiet at best. Charlie felt guilty for leaving me alone all weekend, and I felt guilty for my decision to drive to Seattle without telling him, so I could (hopefully) spend all weekend with Edward. So, we ignored our issues and our guilty consciences and talked about tortillas, guacamole, and the other things I learned to cook when I spent time with mom in Phoenix.

I was impatient for the meal to be over so I could get on with my evening, but I'd already packed and, truthfully, there would be less traffic after dinner. The sun is thin now anyways, and it sets far too early. It would be dark regardless of when I left. So there was no rush.

-------------------

Once on the road, I had three hours to try and determine what the hell I was going to do once I got there. The way I figured, there were two probable scenarios. One: I could find him in his room. Studying, not studying. Getting ready to go to a party. Not getting ready to go to a party.

Clearly, this was the best option. Even if he were planning to attend the party, he wouldn't go with me there. And that's a good thing because then there'd be no lie. And, he wouldn't be tempted to do or not do anything of questionable or ill repute.

But, of course, then I will never know what he would or wouldn't have done had I not been there. And, is not knowing really all that better than knowing in the first place?

And he would probably be really pissed at me, which, come to think of it, might actually make him _want_ to something he otherwise wouldn't have done.

Great.

Scenario #1 could quite possibly render the entire exercise completely useless.

And it will prove nothing except what I already seem to know. I am a paranoid idiot.

I hear they don't make the best girlfriends.

That brings me to scenario two. Edward's not in his room, and he's not studying. He's at some party, doing, not doing, or about to do something entirely unfortunate but predictable.

That possibility turns my stomach because regardless of what Edward is or isn't doing at said party, the fact that theoretical Edward of scenario #2 is _at_ a party means he lied to me. And that potential lie jars the shaky trust our relationship is currently founded on.

-------------------

I found a spot in the student lot and took a deep breath. I considered giving myself a pep talk but decided against it. Not like this was going to get any easier. I left my bag and headed to upper campus, walking a bit slower than usual. Deep breaths Bella. Deep breaths.

I made it to his door and knocked once, twice, three times before I could talk myself out of it.

No answer.

I tried again. Still nothing. I realized I'd been holding my breath and exhaled, suddenly dizzy and giddy with nervous energy and…relief? What? Relief that I didn't find him here in his room where he should be tonight? Great Bella. Just great.

I realized then -- about three hours and one hundred and eighty miles too late -- that I was incredibly anxious about seeing him because, regardless of the circumstance, one or both of us was inevitably going to be quite pissed.

Either I find him busy doing something inanely innocent and studious and my apprehension, paranoia, and mistrust becomes blatantly…_scathingly_ clear. And, I'll have acted out the part of the jealous not quite girlfriend to perfection. After all, I did just drive three hours to another city to, for lack of a better word, spy on him when he specifically asked me not to come.

Or… my stomach churns again, and I actually closed my eyes to will away the feelings of dread and disgust. Or, I will actually catch him in a lie…catch him doing something I'd probably rather not know about at all. And I'll still be the jealous non-girlfriend. But I'll be hurt, betrayed, disillusioned all over again.

The masochistic side of me laughed, rather darkly I might add, at the absurd catch 22 I'd landed myself in. Just lovely. And, I almost gave in and ran back to the blissful ignorance of my truck.

Fight or flight.

Flight sounded pretty damn good right about now. But it's nearly 11:00, and even I'm not stupid enough to turn around and drive all the way back to Forks at this point.

I'd come to far, and I really did need to know. Fight it is.

Guess I'm going to a party.

I did actually occur to me that simply because Edward wasn't in his room didn't automatically mean he was at the party. He could always be off studying with someone else, or he could be at the library. But pessimistic, paranoid Bella sneered at the unlikely nature of that scenario.

That's it then. Party it is.

I had just convinced myself to move away from his door when I heard a loud, familiar voice behind me. Emmett.

Great.

Now I needed to explain my obsessive girlfriend behavior to another Cullen twin. I held my breath and prayed that I could disappear into the white washed wall.

"Bella!"

No such luck.

"Bella, Bella, Bellllla…"

Cue giant bear hug.

I twisted in his arms and forced a smile. Rosalie was there, curved around his side, palm resting against his stomach. Just lovely.

My cheeks burned under her icy blue stare, and she smiled, saccharin sickly sweet.

If looks could kill. _Wait, who am I kidding? _Just kill me now.

"So Eddie changed his mind after all?" Em asked enthusiastically.

"I, um, yea…?"

Changed his mind about what? I wanted to add, but I seemed to be, momentarily at least, spared the inquiry. So I went along with it.

He unlocked the door, calling out to his brother.

"Hmm…Edward must have… He know you're here?"

"I, well, uh…" I stammered, searching unsuccessfully for some sort of explanation. But Rose had whispered something in Em's ear, and thankfully he wasn't really listening.

"No matter," he said, turning back to me. "We're headed over there now. Come on."

My shoes crunched on gravel as we walked toward the party. I could hear the music in the distance, as each step brought me closer to what could very well be my own personal hell.

I slowed down, falling behind Emmett and Rose. Why'd I ever decide to come in the first place? It seemed like a much better idea at the time…

Alice was right. This was all kinds of crazy.

But we were there, and even the good guys have to go to hell and back. Every legitimate hero does. Of course, literal ones are best, but my figurative, frat party hell would have to do.

Virgil assured Dante that it was the only way. Of course, I'd be more like Beatrice anyhow, with all her purity and guileless charm. Unpleasantries and boiling blood aside, she really did miss out on all the fun. We all know the Inferno was far more interesting than any Paradise could ever possibly be. I choked back a derisive laugh. Purity and charm my ass. But her naiveté and credulity? Yes, that was more like it.

But the basis of hell is love, so I took a deep breath and walked inside.

Rose pulled Emmett away almost immediately, and I was left to my own panic attack. Deep breaths Bella I repeated for at least the umpteenth time that night. On some level, I was vaguely aware of the party unfolding around me. Loud music, spiraling in my limbs and pulsing in my belly. Warm cigarette smoke clinging to my hair, my skin, my clothes. And people. Lots of people.

"You look lost."

I whipped my head around when a soft voice cut through my reverie.

"Hi. I'm Meredith." A smiley brunette stood in front of me with her hand stuck out.

"Lost? Well, I, um…" _Christ Bella. _A complete sentence at _any _point this evening would really be awesome. "No. I'm Bella," I managed, returning the handshake. "It's just my friends seem to have disappeared."

"Yea." Meredith laughed sympathetically. "My friends ditched me too. Dragged me here first, mind you." She smiled again and handed me a plastic cup. "Well, regardless of our flaky friends, it looks like you could use a drink."

I did.

The pink liquid was fruity and pleasantly sweet, and, like any good trashcan punch, I couldn't taste the alcohol. But it burned deliciously as it slipped down my throat to pool in my stomach.

I finished the drink in two big gulps, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand.

"Good, huh?" Meredith wasted no time refilling my cup. And, from the way my arms felt heavy lovely and my head swum slightly, I knew I didn't really need another. But I still needed to find Edward and, yea, actually I did.

I would stop after two, remembering Oscar Wilde. _After the first glass, you see things as you wish they were. After the second, you see things as they are not. Finally, you see things as they really are, and that is the most horrible thing in the world_. Although, quite truthfully, I wasn't quite sure that another drink could do anything other than improve my situation. They were rather potent and lovely.

"You a first year?" the girl asked after a few moments.

"No. I don't go here," I responded, not bothering to mention that I was still in high school. "I'm just here for the weekend," I added, craning my neck to scan the crowd, searching for Edward, Emmett, Rosalie. No, scratch that. I had no desire to find Rosalie, but either Cullen boy would do just fine.

"Who are you looking for?" she asked.

"Um, Edward Cullen."

"Oh…" she smiled all too knowingly.

"You know him?" I was aiming for casual, but I'm not entirely sure I succeeded.

She laughed again. "Yep. I'm pretty sure everyone knows Edward."

Oh. Right.

"Have you, um…"

_Have you what, Bella? Fucked him lately? _Yea. Not exactly a delicate way to say that. She seemed to know exactly what I was asking though because she flushed slightly and (much to my relief) shook her head.

"God no. The most I could ever hope to be would be Edward's alibi. But he's got some girl now," she added almost wistfully. "I mean, he always does of course, but still. I swear I saw him earlier though. Hey Kayla!" she called out, "you seen Edward recently?"

A pretty blonde appeared bouncing on her toes, Alice-like in front of me.

"Yea. You just missed him I think. He was with…" she paused, sucking on the inside of her cheek as she thought about it. "Leila." She eyed Meredith expectantly. "You know her. The volleyball player."

"Fun."

Suddenly the sweet punch soured in my stomach, and I very much wished I was back in my bed in Forks pretending my life was everything it evidently was not.

"Yep," Kayla continued, still bobbing up and down in time to the music. "Keep wishing Mere. But they left. They were with... _God_, what's her name...Natalie?"

The syllables rolled off her tongue with distaste and unmistakable envy. Fanfuckingtastic. The truth was there, hovering between them, in her words, their facial expressions. And it was frustrating and heart clenching and so incredibly unfair. It permeated the air around me and made my chest ache.

Not one girl but two.

There was denial and anger and sadness and…love. Love that was clinging and heavy and ever-present.

I squeezed my eyes shut and tried not to throw up. I'd been wrong. This wasn't hell. It was far worse; even in Dante's ninth circle the ice would surely make you numb after a while.

"Doubt they'll be back any time soon." Kayla and Meredith continued on as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened. As if I could still catch my breath. As if my entire world wasn't ending.

-------------------

I don't exactly remember the walk back to campus.

I was sweaty and flushed, but I was cold all over.

I couldn't feel anything, but I could feel everything.

I couldn't remember how to breathe, but I clearly knew how to cry.

I felt flat, empty, without substance. This was far worse than when I walked in on that red head sucking him off because now, here, I had expectations…reasons to hope.

The fluorescent light of Edward's hallway was glaring, but I felt dimmed. The atmosphere was claustrophobic.

I flattened my back against the wall, trying unsuccessfully to clear the pain and spin of the world out of my mind. I was pressed between love and despair and it was beyond excruciating. I gasped and hunched over at the waist, trying to shake the nausea that rocked my system.

My chest, head, _soul_ hurt. The walls seemed to be closing in on me, and I couldn't stop crying.

I decided that this must be what it feels like to be burned alive.

A small part of me thought surely someone would have to hear me. Stick their head out their door to see what all the noise was about. Then again, maybe this happened all the time. Just another pathetic girl who thought she was loved and found out that she was gravely mistaken.

I realized though, that I couldn't care less who saw me.

Edward was all that mattered and… _oh fuck_. What if he heard me?

I imagined him irritated at being disturbed, apologizing to the girl…girls (did he _really _bring them _both _home with him?), rolling out of bed, the sheet wrapped round his hips to come to the door.

That image was enough.

I scrambled to my feet and took off down the hall. Tears stung my eyes and blurred my vision, but I made it to the stairwell without tripping. I descended the steps two at a time to the girls' floor of the dormitory and was thankful that the bathroom was deserted for once.

I stared in the mirror for a long time, trying to calm my breathing and make the tears stop. I knew it was pointless really. They certainly weren't helping the situation.

But I felt like the depths of my being had been ripped to shreds. I could hear his words whispered in my veins. _Bella, I love you_. Meaningless now. And I couldn't help but wonder why he said them at all.

He could have had me anyways.

He could have had whatever he wanted.

Love set on fire. I was alone all over again. Two, after all, is one too many to save yourself.

But I still need him. He's pressed to closely to my soul. He dazed my eyes, dazzled, blinded me. And I saw all too well, but not nearly enough to save myself.

Is this what Eliot meant when he said we are the hollow men? _Shape without form_, _shade without color, paralysed force, gesture without motion … Between the idea and reality, Between the motion and the act Falls the shadow …_

_ Life is very long. _

Reverie intruded at intervals. I imagined him imagining me. Still my salvation. Remembering… What he said, what I said, what we did. But clearly we were disastrous together. Still, it's as though I love to cut myself on him, taste my own blood, suffer at his hands.

If I could rid myself of that _need _once and for all. Put a match to him. Be done with him; finish with this useless, endless longing. But no exorcism will ever be enough. I laughed darkly at myself. It's not like I ever even tried very hard.

I still want him, regardless of everything. Poisons are sweet. It's the antidotes that are bitter.

-------------------

_**Edward**_

Rosalie actually sneered at me when I repeated that I didn't much feel like going to the party. I really did have some work to do.

"C'mon Eddie," she simpered. "I thought you were always up for a little fun."

I shrugged, thankful that Emmett was in the restroom. I didn't exactly relish the idea of him overhearing her rather overt references to out past experiences.

Honestly, I couldn't for the life of me remember why I'd fucked her. I glared in her general direction, and my mind registered. _Oh yea_. She's hot.

But now I have Bella.

My brother returned to the room, bending to kiss Rose sweetly on the cheek. I couldn't understand what he saw in her either, but there was something very real there. More than enough to maintain his sole interest and focus while she was still home in Forks.

Of course, I was beginning to understand, if not the appeal of monogamy, at least the ability and desire to do so. I'm not going to lie. Life would be easier if Bella were here with me. But temptation had no appeal.

I declined Emmett's offer to join them for dinner. Em really didn't want me there, and Rosalie Hale makes me lose my appetite.

I grabbed pizza and found an empty corner at the student center to eat. I pulled out my iPod and opened my bag, wishing for perhaps the 32nd time that I had more reliable partners.

The course itself was exceptionally interesting. But the professor seemed to have an unhealthy obsession with group work.

I hate group work.

And while three months ago my partner selection seemed stellar, now I have a pretty good idea why it's inadvisable to pair up with the two most attractive girls in the class when actual group work would be involved. Work, of course, being the operative term.

And here I was, the night before another major project was due with exactly one-third the work done and the rest, well, that's the rub.

And where the hell were Leila and Natalie?

An hour and several unanswered texts later, and I'd managed to revise my own portion and create a foolproof outline for the rest of our assignment. I seriously considered just completing the damn thing myself. I'd be easier that way, and certainly the results would be superior.

But our professor had a talent for discerning when group work was not actually completed by a group, and I really didn't feel like risking my mid-term grade.

I sent another text and went to get some ice cream. I usually don't touch the stuff without Bella, but I needed a distraction while I waited for the two most unreliable group mates ever to return my calls.

A half a pint of Half Baked later and my phone buzzed. Finally.

_Party 2nite E. Can we meet tomorrow?_

No.

Regardless of my preliminary efforts, I certainly did not trust my group's ability to satisfactorily finish two-thirds of a paper and hand it in before the five p.m. deadline. Especially not after a party.

_No. _I responded. _Needs to be tonight. _

Long pause.

_Nat's already at the Kappa House. She's not answering._

Of course she's not.

_I'll meet you there in 30 min. _

I'd find the girls, have one good drink, and then maybe, just maybe, we'd finally get some work done.

-------------------

The party was crowded, noisy, sexy, perfect. And it was only 10:30. On any other night, it was exactly where I'd want to be.

I liked the Kappas. They always had good booze and pretty girls. And, from the looks of things, tonight was no different. I made my way to the bar and poured myself a generous shot of whiskey. Neat.

Then I set off to find my two favorite cohorts in group work.

I was instantly affronted by an entirely too peppy, pretty girl with dark hair. On first glance, you could say she looked a bit like Alice. That was, of course, until she opened her mouth. I could practically see my sister's eye roll.

But I didn't have time for awkward sibling comparisons because the girl pressed her palms to my chest and quickly maneuvered me to a nearby chair. I sat down with limited complaint and smiled at her forthrightness.

Ashley was dressed in what looked to be a napkin affixed to her boobs by a system of inadequate looking strings. Didn't she know it was cold outside?

She smiled down at me, small white teeth set against pale alabaster skin, and then she straddled my lap, pushing pert breasts to my chest. I didn't say anything; I didn't really need to. But watched her and waited.

She quirked an eyebrow, considering, and slid three cold fingers up my arm. Her acrylic manicured touch raised goose bumps on my skin, but it wasn't a pleasant sensation.

Her skin was soft and smooth and firm in all the right places. Certainly fuckable, but not what I was looking for anymore.

Months ago, I probably wouldn't have cared if she stayed or left, or if I left with her or took her home with me.

"Edward," she whined, "don't you want to kiss me?" I felt her breath, warm and alcohol sweet against my neck, and she rocked her hips against mine.

I felt myself harden slightly, but she smelled all wrong of perfume and baby powder and artificial girl.

Not Bella.

Months ago, I probably would have given in to anything she wanted. Then again, months ago, my midterm wouldn't have been due in mere hours and I wouldn't be in this predicament in the first place.

And I wouldn't have had Bella.

I actually sighed in relief when I heard my name from across the room. "Eddie!" the high-pitched nasally voice cried from the doorway.

Leila.

She made her way across to where we were seated, not in an entirely straight line, but upright and stable nonetheless. After a cup of coffee she should be good to go. Her lips curled in confusion and her eyes darkened slightly when she saw Ashley still squirming on my lap, but she recovered quickly.

"You ready?" she asked.

I nodded and nudged the other girl off my lap unceremoniously. She scowled, as I stood, straightening my shirt. I smiled inwardly at the rather smug grin on Leila's face.

"Sorry Ash," she sneered. "We've already got plans."

"Oh," she murmured in response. Eloquent as always.

I allowed the blonde to take my hand as she led me out of the room. Natalie was waiting for us in the foyer, surrounded by a group of tipsy pretty pink sorority girls. I didn't stop her when she moved to my other side and snuggly fitted her arm about my waist.

We were going to write a paper. That was all. But truthfully, I didn't care what they'd told their superficial friends. If they preferred for everyone to assume we were off on some illicit rendezvous then so be it. No use embarrassing them in front of others. After all, it couldn't be good for your image to leave a perfectly good party to study. And I needed them appeased and complaint if I hoped to accomplish anything before dawn.

Unfortunately, we had work to do.

-------------------

**a/n: Reviews for Edward and good decisions. Now I just need to find Bella in the bathroom and convince her not to drive home just yet.**

**xo Violet**


	16. A Place to Start

**Disclaimer: I do not own **_**Twilight **_**or the lovely characters. Rated M. **

**------------------**

Honestly, I'm not sure how long I stayed in the bathroom. More than minutes. Hours maybe. Time seemed stationary. It dragged on, every second stretched to eternity.

I wondered why I couldn't move, why I didn't _want _to move. It was as if I'd shut down from the inside out, from the outside in.

And I was all kinds of pathetic.

The detached, snarky side of Bella was quite convinced that it served me right. Holed up in a girls' bathroom three hours away from the warm ignorance of my bed, and I wasn't even supposed to be here today.

That voice told me that I should suck it up, splash some water on my face, and go home. Of course, I couldn't hear _her _much for the sobbing.

Pathetic.

At some point I'd sunk to the floor to lean against the wall. Perhaps I could just fall asleep here and ignore reality for a little while.

_Bella, you're in a bathroom_. Rational me spoke up.

True. But it's a clean bathroom.

_Still a bathroom. _

Point taken.

I decided I could go out to my truck. Sleep _there_ for a few hours, and then drive home. Surely a much sounder plan than the sleep in the corner of a bathroom one.

Yes. Sometime in the near future I'd do that. It's good to have goals Bella.

It was well past one in the morning when I finally forced myself to my feet. My body ached, and I was stiff all over. The lump in my throat had congealed into a warm, sickly mass. It hurt to swallow; it hurt to breathe.

I checked my phone in a sudden burst of wishful thinking. No messages save the one from Alice: _Let me know how it goes. _Well, at least I'm no longer contemplating napping next to a wash basin, I thought darkly. I decided not to update Alice on my decision though.

My eyes were puffy and my cheeks were bright pink. The little mascara I'd worn that day streaked down to my chin. I looked positively horrifying. Just lovely. Maybe Rose would be down to brush her teeth or something soon. I cringed at the thought. Could this evening get any worse?

Water splashed away the black smudges but not the pinkness. It would have to do. I blew my nose, took a deep breath, and left the bathroom.

The girls' floor of Edward's dorm was quite. I was thankful for a clear and embarrassment-free path to the exit. It was all I could do not to sprint down the hall. I needed to get out of there and to the privacy of my truck before something else heaped more fail onto my already stellar Seattle experience.

But somehow I convinced my feet to walk like a normal person. I counted the doors, as I passed them by. Many were covered with colorful fliers and notes and photos. Pretty girls. Pretty boys. Pretty college life.

The door at the end of the hallway was flanked by a small window.

The study lounge.

Light from inside washed over the hallway floor. I instinctively edged closer to the opposite wall to avoid detection should anyone be inside working.

But something caught my eye as I passed the door.

The lounge actually _was_ occupied.

By _Edward_.

Edward with his perfect, messy hair.

Edward with his perfect, pale skin.

Edward with his perfect, pink lips.

Edward with two girls.

And they were actually studying.

Edward was fully clothed and _actually studying_.

Edward even had his glasses on. The geeky-chic black ones with the rectangular frames that make him look super sexy smart. The geeky-chic black ones that he absolutely never, ever wore. Because, let's face it, beautiful, Adonis-like sex gods have little use for glasses.

Unless, of course, their eyes are too tired for contacts...

I stood transfixed. I could hear my heart pounding in my ears, and I could feel my stomach tighten and flip, but I couldn't move.

One of the girls was slumped over the table, her head pillowed in her arms; she was clearly asleep. The other was absorbed in her phone, ignoring Edward entirely. He didn't seem to mind.

Just as my mind began to make sense of what I was seeing, Edward stretched, twisting in his chair to face the door and stare... Right. At. Me.

I did the only thing I could think of.

I dropped to the floor.

Awesome evasive maneuver, Bella.

Now if I could only crawl to the stairwell. _Right_...

But the door opened and Edward was there, gazing down at me with a bewildered expression on his lovely face. Fuck me.

"Bella?"

"Hi?" I managed to squeak after I realized that the floor wasn't going to open up and swallow me whole.

"What...what are you doing here?" he stammered. Edward never stammers. "Is everything alright?" He knelt down beside me and tentatively brushed a fingertip across my cheek, no doubt taking in my 'I've been crying in a bathroom for hours' appearance.

"I, um, I..." But I wouldn't have known how to respond even if I was able to put a coherent sentence together.

"Did something happen?" he asked, his voice thick with concern, and I mumbled something that assuredly made no sense.

And then I was crying. Again. Great. Just great.

Suddenly, Edward was on his feet. "Wait here," he instructed. As if I could have move if I tried.

He went back into the study lounge, and I heard him speaking softly with the girls inside. He reemerged soon, bag slung over his shoulder. Girl One and Girl Two trailed behind him, looking rather relieved to be done for the night. They stopped when they saw me, vaguely interested in the crying girl now sitting Indian-style on the floor.

But Edward, to my rather detached satisfaction, bid them a curt goodnight, and they disappeared out the door.

He sunk to the floor again. "Bella, did something happen?" he repeated. "Is everyone alright?"

I shook my head and then nodded, realizing that he was probably expecting the worse. Why else would I appear in his dorm in the middle of the night, crying hysterically?

He bit his lip, considering things for a moment, then took hold of my arm, and we were on our feet. He guided me to the stairs and to his room, and then we were on his futon, his strong arms wrapped around me tight.

"Please Bella, tell me what's wrong. Why are you here, love?"

I swallowed thickly and twisted slightly to face him. He had no right to smell this good at two a.m.

Sighing, I propped my chin on his shoulder and avoided his eyes. "Rosalie Hale happened." My voice was rougher than usual but surprisingly tear-free.

Edward snorted, choking back a laugh, but he cupped my face in his hands, forcing me to look at him. His eyes were soft, beautiful, and completely without judgment. I glared rather suspiciously at the dark entryway to Emmett's room, but he assuaged my concerns quickly.

"It's okay," he assured. "They'll be gone for a while still."

So I told him about lunch. I told him about Rosalie's incriminating comments. I told him about Alice's attempts to dissuade me. I told him about my drive. I told him about running into Emmett. And I told him about my lovely hellish party experience, complete with punch and Meredith and rumors and more punch.

And he listened.

Every so often he kissed my forehead or stroked strands of flyaway hair back from my face. But he listened.

"Rosalie Hale is a bitch," he spoke suddenly; I couldn't contain my laugh.

"True," I agreed. "But you fucked her."

He raised an eyebrow.

I smirked. Then I blushed.

"Momentary lapse of reason."

He kissed me once, brushed his lips against mine. I sighed embarrassingly loudly.

"Well played Bella. Well played." It was his turn to smirk, and he slid the back of his hand down my arm, sending shivers across my skin. _How does he do that? _

_Come on_, Bella. _Sex God_. My rational side piqued. Right. Of course.

He took my hand and pulled me to my feet. I followed into his room. Flicking on the lights, he deposited his book bag by his desk before turning back to look at me. Even my tear-tired, bloodshot eyes registered that he was beautiful. As always.

So beautiful, of course, that I literally cease functioning at times.

Like now.

I stood stock still in his doorway screaming eight kinds of awkward. And I stared. Lovely.

But he seemed to understand. And, pursing his lips and cocking his head, he watched me appraisingly for a few moments.

"I think," he began, his voice one part deviance three parts sexy, "this occasion calls for some ice cream. Or..." he paused, eyes flashing impishly as he procured a handle of vodka from the shelf, "we could kill the bottle together."

Tempting.

But we needed to talk.

"Ice cream," I informed him. "Better for focus. Less distracting that way."

"Right... Because we've never been distracted by ice cream before."

"Touche." I smiled at him but still managed to blush ten shades of fuchsia.

He smirked. "Come on."

Edward held my hand, as we walked silently across campus. I tried to think about everything I still very much wanted to say to him. But instead I had to think about breathing. Something about his hand clasping mine, our palms pressed together, our fingers interlaced, always makes my body forgets how to perform basic, operational tasks.

He was intoxicating.

And I was momentarily lulled by the soft ripples of electricity flowing between us.

I followed him into the 24 hour dining hall, and he led the way to the ice cream case. He looked at me expectantly, but I simply shrugged. There was no way I was making _that_ decision tonight.

His eyes narrowed in concentration as he scanned the options before selecting a pint.

Chunky Monkey.

Neutral. Completely nonthreatening. Innocent with a side of whimsy. Interesting.

"Want anything else?" he asked.

I started to shake my head, still contemplating the possible implications of his ice cream selection. But, on further consideration, decided to grab two bottles of grapefruit juice.

He raised an eyebrow at me.

"What? Just because I don't want to down an _entire_ bottle of vodka with you doesn't mean I might not want a drink later." I grabbed a bottle of OJ too. "Or two."

Or perhaps, I was just overreacting to ice cream. Again.

Ten minutes later we were seated across from each other on his floor, the pint of Chunky Monkey situated squarely between us.

I watched as Edward spooned an obscenely large portion into his perfect mouth. And regardless of appalling manners, he was still sexy, stunning, beautiful.

After a period of awkward, ice cream filled silence, Edward spoke. "Bella, I have to know. Why did you let Rosalie's comments upset you?" His voice was calm but softly saddened.

I dropped my gaze, picking at a thread in the carpet and considering my response. This was it.

"I thought you'd, uh...lied to me. That you didn't want to see me. Didn't want me here."

"You didn't believe me." It was a statement, not a question, but I had to respond.

"I did. At first. But then I just..." My resolve faltered, and I lowered my head. "I'm sorry."

"You love me. But you don't trust me." He spoke flatly, his voice level.

I looked up at him again. His eyes were dark and uncertain and made my heart clench. "I trust that you love me."

"But you don't trust me," he repeated.

"I just had to know," I whispered.

"And when you heard I'd left the party with Natalie and Leila you...automatically assumed the worst."

Again, a statement. Not a question.

I took a steadying breath and tried to control my rapidly fluttering heartbeat. Relax Bella. This is Edward. Start there.

"It's... I, _we're_ best friends. And I know you..." Great start Bella. Eloquent as always.

But he sat patiently, waiting for me to continue.

"Edward," I began slowly. "I know what you've done. I know who you've been with. I know who you could have." Deep breath. "And I know that I'm me."

Well, that had to have got me somewhere. Perhaps. Possibly. Hopefully? Indirection and misdirection _are _directions after all. Aren't they? And you certainly can't get anywhere sitting still...staying mute.

He hadn't said anything yet. He sat, long legs crossed, elbows resting on his knees, watching me. Finally, "what do you mean Bella? You're_ you_...Of course you're you."

"That's the problem!"

"I have no idea what you mean, love."

"I'm me," I repeated a bit more petulantly that I would have liked.

Because it was obvious.

Because clearly he had to see.

Because I was the whole problem.

I knew that he loved me, but I didn't know if I was enough for him. If I could ever be enough. To keep him, have him, deserve him.

He bit his lip, soft flesh caught between perfect teeth. I watched his mouth, his jaw, waiting.

"Bella," he began again quietly, his voice almost a murmur; I had to lean forward to hear. "I can't change my past. I can't change what I've done, how I've acted, who I've slept with. But I do wish I could be better for you." His eyes caught mine, and I shuddered slightly. My stomach was tight, twisted, and I felt waves of adrenaline rushing through my veins.

"I don't regret it, though."

Suddenly my mouth was dry and my stomach felt like lead.

_He doesn't regret it?_

I couldn't focus. His words, his beautiful face were all a blur.

But I waited, watching. Waited for him to speak. Waited for him to take it back. Words can bleed, you know, and I needed him to make it stop.

"I don't regret any of it," he repeated softly. "Because everything I've done – all my choices, all my fuck-ups, all my...everything – has helped me realize that I don't want any of it. Not now." He raised his head to look at me, eyes dark behind long lashes, and I couldn't help but imagine everything I wanted, won't get, can't have...

"Not now," his velvet voice soothed. "Not anymore. Not now that I want you."

I thought about his words for a while – let them wash over my mind and seep into my skin. I realized that I was holding my spoon out in midair in front of me and, blushing furiously, quickly shoveled the waiting ice cream into my mouth. Very undignified, really.

He smirked. I shrugged. But there was still so much left to say.

"Will you trust me?"

I froze. _I want to. I want you. I want everything. _

_I can't. Not now. Not yet._

His eyes met mine, soft and dull now, but understanding.

"Do you want to trust me?"

I nodded. Of course I do.

His perfect teeth continued to worry his perfect lip. Pink and flushed now. Swollen, as if recently kissed. And I wanted to taste him.

He looked as if he wanted to say something but then changed his mind. Bit his lip. Nodded again.

I continued picking at the carpet, wanting to reach out and touch, but not entirely sure where to go from there.

His voice: "what can I do?"

"Time. I need time."

His eyes caught mine, but he dropped his gaze quickly. I held my breath, waiting for him to look up again.

Instead, he stared at the floor, rocking slightly, bronze hair shining in the artificial light, as he nodded again to his hands. Abrupt this time. Awkward even, as if he, too, was unsure of what to do next.

Edward unsure. Edward staring awkwardly into his lap. My heart fluttered in awareness of how anxious I actually was. And I continued to wait. Time passed. Seconds, a minute, five, ten? I couldn't tell, but we'd stopped talking. I hate silence, but I didn't know what to say. I didn't know where to look. I didn't know what to do with my hands. One hand folded over the other, over the other, back again. I pressed my nails into my palm. I placed my hands on my knees.

I took another bite of ice cream.

"Do you want to stay?" he asked his lap suddenly. His voice still low, uncertain, like an insecure high school sophomore asking his crush to homecoming.

_Yes._

"I, um..." Say it Bella. One word. _Yes_. As if there's any place you'd rather be.

_I love him._

"I'll sleep on the futon," he added quickly, awkwardly un-Edward, a faint blush pinking his cheeks. "You can't leave, Bella. Not now."

"No, I, yes..." It was my turn to look down.

I knew what I wanted. Of course I wanted to stay, even amidst the uncertainty; I wasn't going anywhere. Why couldn't I just say so? But clearly, just wanting something has never been enough.

_I want to stay with you. I want to sleep with you. I want to trust you. I want to believe that you'll be with me and only me. And I want to be able to talk to you...to ask all the things I need to ask..._

But I'd had way too much gut-wrenching, soul-squeezing drama for one evening. I got myself out of the bathroom. I explained myself (somewhat) to Edward. And I knew he didn't lie to me. Surely tomorrow I could bring myself to ask a few questions, spit it out, _talk to him_.

"No."

"Oh. All right."

"No Edward. You don't have to sleep on the futon."

Sexy, crooked smile.

_Oh boy._

He watched me curiously for a minute more.

"Did you bring anything with you, love? Or was it your hope to find me engaged in some act of debauchery and turn around and head straight back to Forks?"

"Oh yea...my bag. I left it in my truck."

"I see," he said, getting lithely to his feet. "Then naked it is." Although his tone was mock-serious, his eyes promised sin.

"I um, I..." _Oh boy._

"Or, you could borrow some boxers and a wifebeater..."

"Yea, that would probably be a good idea."

He tossed a handful of clothes in my direction and, feeling rather self-conscious, I headed to the sitting area. One blue plaid pair of boxers and a white tank later, and I was back in his room. Edward was leaning over his desk checking his email. Perfect back, perfect hips, perfect ass... Why didn't you go with naked again?

Right. Long day. And with the psycho, paranoid, Bella behavior, and the bathroom extravaganza, and crying in the hall, and the platonic ice cream selection, and the I love you I don't trust you what the hell are we? issues, and, of course, the ever present question I just can't bring myself to ask... _Am I your girl friend Edward Anthony Cullen? _

Best not be naked.

And right then and there I decided on my own personal brand of penance. No sex with Edward until I asked the girlfriend question.

Good. Glad that's settled. Of course, all sides of Bella were voicing their protests. Quite loudly at that. But you've got to have standards.

And goals. And a plan. And some degree of self-restraint.

He turned to face me then, all flushed beauty and forbidden look, and I almost blurted it out right then.

_Am I your girlfriend?_

But I'd already pushed my luck and tried his patience enough for one day. What, with the spying and the crying and the not trusting. No need to put him on the spot and demand a label. Not tonight at least.

So I took a deep breath and kept my mouth shut.

I sat down on the edge of his bed and watched, mouth regrettably somewhat agape, as Edward pulled his faded tee-shirt over his head. My eyes fell to his chest, stomach, taut muscles rippling under pale skin. I felt my face flame hot, as he unbuckled his belt, agile fingers sliding the worn, brown leather through the loop. He undid his fly quickly and tugged his jeans over his hips and down his thighs, kicking them quickly off to the side.

Our boxers didn't match.

He moved to the bed and silently flicked off the lights, climbing in beside me. I scooted back against the pillows, my body awkward, tense, stiff. I felt like I'd taken a giant step backward, but, at the same time, I couldn't deny that I needed to be here. Edward was aware of my insecurities and my, um, trust issues now. But it was a necessary step.

I hated how I felt. I hated how I'd acted. I hated what I'd said, not said. And I hated that I'd hurt him when I was certain he'd hurt me. But it was a place to start.

I could feel the tension and anxiety between us, but he wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me down beside him. Warm. Close. Loved.

His fingers brushed through my hair, and his palm slid down to press against my cheek. The expression in his dark eyes was indecipherable, and I held my breath, waiting, wanting, not knowing.

Go to sleep. Avoid temptation. Do not give in.

I pushed against his hand as if to turn away.

But he clasped my face between both hands and titled my chin up to his. I gasped when he pressed his mouth to mine, but the kiss swallowed the sound whole. _Mine_.

On my best days his tongue could steal my breath and my resistance away with its slick pressure. This was _not _my best day.

I could feel his body against mine, pressed together, hard and soft, warm and warm. My body trembled, still waiting, wanting but not wanting. I could feel his body heat, but I was hot all over, flushed and dazed. He moaned into my mouth and I clutched at a his shoulder. His hands moved to gripped my hips, rocking me closer, and I could feel him hard against my stomach.

And, regardless of everything, I wanted more. More touch. More taste. More feeling. More of this. More of all of it.

But I shouldn't. We shouldn't. Not now. Not tonight.

His fingers pressed into my sides, and he licked at my lips, soft and sweet. I could taste the ice cream on his tongue. But I was confused, anxious, excited, tense, and I can never think with his hands on my skin and his mouth on my mouth.

One hand curved around my back, warm fingers slipping under the thin fabric of the wifebeater. The other skimmed over sides and hips and thighs.

My fingers wound in his hair, and I pulled back, breathing deep, exposing my throat to his tongue. He slid his mouth down, warm breath fanning across warmer skin, to where my neck meets my shoulder. He closed his eyes, and I tried to remember my self-restraint. But he reached between us and lifted his hips to shove his boxers down.

And he was sexy, beautiful, exposed, ready, and...hard. _Fuck me. _

No Bella. Not now. Close your eyes. Take a deep breath.

I laid my head on his shoulder, and pressed a hand to his chest, feeling his pulse beat quick against my palm. I felt shaky around the edges, and Edward wasn't helping. He cupped my chin, angling my face up to him; his eyes were hungry, burning, unfathomably deep and dark with wild energy and thrill. And he was beautiful, breathtaking, lovely as always.

His hands were back to skimming my sides, under my shirt, fingertips slipping across my stomach, over my ribcage to brush the curve of my breast. My sigh turned into a rather embarrassing whimper, but I caught his hand, stilling its movement.

"Edward, I..."

But he was mouthing kisses along my shoulder, and his hands kept sliding over my super-sensitive skin. Every touch, every breath, and every press of his body against mine sent tingles and shivers and warm want down between my legs. And even the rational Bella inside me was doubting my sanity...or at least my resolve. Because here I was, in bed with a naked Edward Cullen. And even after it all, he still loved me. Still wanted me. But--

I forced myself to remember why I was there in the first place. In his room. In his bed. Pressed next to his warmth, chest to chest, hips to hips, thighs to thighs. And did I mention he was naked? Sigh.

But I was here because I was still unsure, still needed to know, still wanted more.

"I can't. Not tonight."

Edward couldn't hold back his groan.

And I had to wonder if anyone had ever refused him sex before.

Doubtful. You'd have to be crazy, really.

But as you already know, I had crazy in spades tonight.

He thrust his hips gently against me once more but then reached for his boxers in chivalrous resignation.

I grabbed his wrist, though, with a moment of inspiration. "Wait..." I breathed, very much aware of my heart thudding in my ears. But I pulled his hand down between us, curling my fingers over his, guiding him to his cock.

He gasped and looked at me. Unsure and wanting all at once.

I was certain that he meant to object, but he wrapped his fist around his dick, and I squeezed my hand gently over his before pulling away.

_Please._

I sucked in a breath, realizing that I could very well pass out from the sight. Sexy, stunning, illicit, erotic as hell. But his hips jerked and his muscles tensed and he began to stroke. Slowly at first as if working to hold back.

I watched transfixed, not breathing, just staring, soaking up his movements. Up and down up and down again and _oh _more now.

"Don't stop," I heard myself murmur, heat blazing across my cheeks. "I want to watch you. Please."

He groaned softly, moving faster now, hips arching into the air, as he thrust into his fist.

My mouth was dry, my lips were numb, and I loved him, wanted him, needed him. _Oh...my...God..._

Then his hand stilled, his back arched. His breath came out in short pants, as he bit his lust-pinked lips, stifling a gaspy moan. _"Fuck..."_

And he came with a soft, alluring, sexy as hell sound, coating his palm, his fingers, shooting wet over his stomach. And his eyes caught mine, watching me watching him.

"Wow," I whispered, wondering if that had really happened.

"Indeed."

He kissed me then, lips hot against my forehead, cheek, collarbone, and collapsed beside me, trembling, breathing ragged and deep.

He reached for his boxers again, wiping his fingers, pressing them to his stomach and mine, dabbing the warm fluid, before tossing them on the floor.

He made no move to get dressed again but scooped me into his arms and pulled me up against him, my back to his chest, my ass to his hips. I sighed. Loudly. And I felt his lips, curving into a smile against the back of my neck.

There was a lot to be said, and we had a ways to go. But right then it was all right.

Comfortable. Warm. Perfect.

And, perhaps, falling asleep with a naked Edward Cullen curled around me, wasn't quite as penitent as I could be. But one can only expect so much from her self-restraint.

Still, I realized then that Edward had never risked anything before. But he risked love for me.

And that, indeed, was a place to start.

I could ask my questions another time.

* * *

**a/n: Reviews to clear up confusion (and for love always!). Can Bella finally suck it up and ask Edward?**

**! **_**Fall Back Again **_**now has its own thread on Twilighted.**

**http://www(.)twilighted(.)net/forum/viewtopic(.)php?f=44&t=8184 **

**Thank you thank you to RoseArcadia for setting everything up for me and making me a lovely hot banner. And thank you to tamsigirl for enjoying my story enough to ask Rose to do so. Yay! I'm beyond thrilled. **

**Please stop by and say hello. I'll be posting teasers and whatnot.**

**xo always, Violet**


	17. Indignant

**Disclaimer: I do not own _Twilight _or the lovely characters. The words are mine.**

**--------------------  
**

I was late for something, and it was important. But I couldn't stop to consider the whats and whys. The air was thick, heavy with the mist that clung to my clothes, my hair. And it was easy to pretend that the water leaking from the sky was really _his _kisses on my skin.

His lips were cold.

Memories appeared in silver threads through the cloud-laden sky. Some kind of intense gaze. Dark eyes, red lips, soft words, whispered conversations. Bare skin, bare feet, bare breasts.

_He's always there_. Constant change, yet he remains, as ideas whirl and plans form.

I stumbled my way through the dense trees with perhaps too much familiarity.

I'd been here before.

Shards of summer rain burned icy trails across my skin, but I didn't stop to consider why _he _wasn't here with me.

One foot in front of the other, in front of the other, in front of the other propelling me up the well-known hill. Overhanging limbs dripped rain-thick droplets to the caked ground below. Overhead, the leaf-laced, dream gray sky hung heavy, stifling, imposing. But I was almost there.

I took a deep breath, smelled lilacs, and emerged into a clearing

I froze, not wanting to look, but incapable of looking anywhere else.

_Choose whether to begin or end._

_He _was already there, but he was clearly not waiting for me.

_They _were together. My stomach clenched and my blood ran cold. I felt dizzy and sick and I wanted to run, to get as far away from there as I could. But I stood still, rooted to the spot, unable to turn away or move at all.

_Lie to me one more time._

I couldn't see their faces. His back was toward me, his long body covered hers. But I knew.

His limbs stretched, muscles tight under pale skin, flushed with exertion. _Her _legs were flung around his waist, feet crossed at slender ankles, heel pressing against a hip. The fabric of his white shirt clung to his body. Untucked and unbuttoned, the tails hung down obscuring my view.

_Happy end, let's pretend._

Her dark hair hid her face from sight. But she moaned and arched her back off the ground. Her hands clasped at his shoulders, his back, pulling him closer to her, bringing his lips to hers.

I swallowed and watched, feeling strangely numb.

_Always afraid of what I might find._

She was beautiful.

And it didn't matter that I couldn't tell _who _she was. She was everything I could never be. Alabaster white skin, long legs, red mouth, small waist. I felt the way he was looking at her.

_Falling over and over again._

And she had _him_.

Abruptly, he grabbed her hips and, rolling, he deftly maneuvered them so that he was on his back now, and she was on top, straddling him. I could hear the hot, whispered words. The _ohmygods, _the _yeses_, and _please...fuck...mores_. She threw her head back, dark curls cascading over the soft arc of her spine, as she slid up and down, up and down.

_Help me to make up my mind._

I must have gasped aloud because, suddenly, their movement stopped. Edward propped himself on his elbows and lifted his head. I stood, hands covering my mouth, still unable to back away. Slowly, she turned, tossing her dark hair over her shoulder.

And I was face to face with..._me._

They smiled and I laughed, and he spoke in that honey rich, satin voice, "Bella, love. Join us."

_Happy end, let's pretend._

_--------------------  
_

I woke up with a start, shaky and disoriented. But Edward was there, solid and real and very naked. His body curved around mine, and one arm draped over my hip. Gray light leaked through the edges of his window, but it was still before dawn.

I shifted a bit, snuggling into his warmth, and he exhaled softly, breathing easy, as he rocked his hips gently against me, pelvis to thighs, his cock trapped between our bodies.

There was no reason for such a simple pleasure as skin against skin to feel so good. But then again, this was Edward.

I counted heartbeats and resisted the urge to strip and straddle his hips. Here I was, curled in bed with a naked Edward Cullen, trying to talk myself out of sex for the second time in twelve hours.

It was a long time before I fell back to sleep.

* * *

I woke up in the morning sprawled sideways, rather inelegantly, across his small bed. I extended my arm to where he should have been, but the sheets were cool. I forced myself to roll over and open my eyes. My vision was blurry, and the room was still quite dark. Thin shards of sun streamed in through the slits in his blinds, but no lights were on.

Edward was seated at his desk, one bare foot propped on the chair, elbow resting on his knee, as he stared fixedly at the computer screen. He must have heard me because he turned and smiled softly. "Go back to sleep Bella. It's still early. I'll wake you in time for breakfast."

A short time or a while later, a knock at the door pulled me to the edge of consciousness again. I could hear voices in the sitting area, soft and muted. "Let's meet in the library in a little while. It shouldn't take more than an hour or two to finish the work."

"Sure sure, sounds good. So, Eddie, what was up with that girl in the hall last night?" Her tone was teasing, conversational, _but not_, and laden with undercurrents.

"You know I'm not going to talk about it," came his grumbled response.

I was wide awake now and turned on my side, strategically angling my body for maximum listening capacity.

"Yea, but _who_ is she? What did you do to her?"

"Leila." I recognized that tone, that tone he employs when you've almost pushed too far. "Look, she's just..." Pause. "I've known her forever. It's nothing. Everything's fine."

_She's just what Edward?_

"Well, she _was _prettier than that other skank who was all over you at the party. I mean, snot aside..." Cue nasal giggle.

Suddenly, it was unbearable. The sheer power of the emotion sizzling across my veins, my nerves. Her words tore holes in my reality. They oozed and bled.

Time stopped, reversed. And suddenly I was back in that bathroom.

_Lie to me_.

Anger and sadness and pain boiled and simmered and bubbled up inside.

_That skank who was all over you at the party..._

Funny. I expected this much yesterday. Anticipated it. Experienced it. But that pain now seemed blurred, indistinct, overwhelmed by the anger.

_Will you trust me?_

And really, I didn't even care about who was all over him at the party. As far as infractions go, this was clearly a minor one. He didn't go home with her. He didn't have sex with her. Hell, I'm not even sure _what_ he did with her...because he didn't tell me.

And that's the problem I suppose.

He used to tell me everything.

I attempted to reign in my emotions, fold the jagged corners of my soul into neat little origami swans. Or else I'd end up crying, here in his bed, enveloped in Edward scented sheets.

Perhaps a transition is in order, rational Bella piqued. We'll put you on a program. Twelve steps to cure your Edward addiction. Or perhaps more serious measures are necessary – a movement away from cock entirely. Become asexual. Try bisexuality on for size. Kiss Alice while you're at it. Why not Rosalie too? That thought earned a masochistic half laugh.

But even I knew that was simply the weak advising the weak. In 1638, Anne Hutchinson was found guilty, after a two day trial, of heresy – of being a woman "not fit for our society." And she was excommunicated from Massachusetts Bay Colony. Her actual crime involved proclaiming that the Holy Spirit resided in the heart of every true believer. The Puritans would have not gotten along terribly well with the American Transcendentalists, that's for sure. And _all _I wanted was Edward Cullen inside of me.

But perhaps that's all I am. Absurdly unfit. Absurdly unfit for him.

_He was never really mine._

The door shut, as Edward reappeared in his room. _Fuck. _

I really didn't want to be there. I desperately wanted to curl up into myself and sink into a puddle beneath his mattress. Or maybe I could just disapparate – reappear in my bedroom back in Forks.

Surely they didn't have anti-apparition wards here at UW. That's only Hogwarts, right?

But he was there, so I did the next best thing and dove back under the covers.

_I'm not here. This isn't happening_.

"Bella..."

His voice broke through my reverie, and it was all I could do not to say something really horrid in response. _Grr... _But I peered out from the covers and eyed him impatiently. He took my glare as irritation at having been woken.

"C'mon love, let's get something to eat."

Resignedly, I pulled the comforter down and swung my legs over the side of his bed. I didn't open my mouth for fear of what nastiness might come out. I growled at him instead and grabbed his toothbrush before slinking out the door. I know. Gross right? But I like his tongue in my mouth. His toothbrush couldn't be all bad. I made a mental note to slobber on it a bit before returning it.

* * *

We walked together across campus under an icy, chilly blue sky. I said nothing but did my best to be as unpleasant as possible without speaking. He sensed my perturbation but did not comment. Perhaps he already knew what I was thinking.

So I fumed and stomped all my way to the dining hall, all bratty and petulant and indignant, righteous anger.

And then there was rational Bella's voice all over again. Perhaps this love thing isn't really for you anyway. Now, surely, the love as solace mafia (a subset of the love is wisdom syndicate) would have you believe that life hinges on this...phenomena. And to find someone you love who loves you back? Well... And so many people claim that love completes them. But so does sex, wine, iPhones, shopping, yoga, tofu, and teenage boy bands. So maybe love isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Yea. I wasn't convinced either.

Edward held a door open for me, but I deliberately sidestepped his offer and went through the door to his right. Without assistance. Thankyouverymuch.

His eyes flashed for a brief moment, but he said nothing and followed me to the breakfast line.

"We'll both have French toast with bananas, please," he cooed before flashing a far too dazzling smile to the cafeteria lady. I wondered absently if he had any clue how unintentionally seductive he was. Probably so, I decided. No matter.

I waited until both of his orders were plated and then addressed the server. "Actually, I'll have an omelet with cheddar cheese and tomatoes." I smiled at Edward with feigned sweetness. Perhaps I could sneak a syrupy banana from his plate when he wasn't looking. I wanted French toast, but I wanted to irritate Edward even more. Sticking to my resolve would taste good too.

The cafeteria lady clucked at him in sympathetic reproach, as I grabbed my plate and pushed past him. My dramatic exit was halted abruptly, though, as I had to wait for him at the check out line. He appeared a moment or two later, balancing two orange juices and a tray laden with one too many breakfast plates.

We found an empty table silently.

Edward said nothing about my uncharacteristic deviation from our breakfast routine. Instead, he set both plates in front of him and began cutting one pile of French toast into uniform, bite-size squares. He dabbed a bite into the oozy syrup before bringing it to his perfect mouth.

I watched his jaw, his throat as he swallowed.

I was jealous.

He took another bite.

I pushed the eggs around on my plate.

He took a sip of juice and watched me curiously but still said nothing.

And it was infuriating!

Here I was, stewing indignantly, as he simply sat there enjoying two orders of French toast.

I flung my fork down irritably, nearly toppling my orange juice. _Sheesh... _I can't even be mad gracefully. Edward caught my glass deftly before any spilled on the table. I continued to pout in silence.

Edward moved on to French toast serving number two.

He licked some syrup off his lip.

Finally: "Bella, what's wrong."

I glared at him, daring him to figure it out.

"Bella, please. Help me out here."

I couldn't hold it in anymore.

"So, at least I'm _prettier_ than that _skank_ who was all over you last night?" I could hear the derision dripping from my words, but I did my best to keep my voice low.

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes.

A few moments later he looked up at me again. His eyes were dull, his mouth a grim line. "So you heard us?"

I nodded, narrowing my eyes. "Obviously."

"Look, Bella, it's not what you think."

I stared at him in angry disbelief. "Not what I think!? Not what I think Edward!? Really? Because perhaps you should enlighten me." My voice shook slightly, but I really couldn't help myself. So much for the silent treatment.

"It was nothing. Really. Her name's Ashley. She sat on my lap. I'm sure she wanted something, but I pushed her off. Nothing happened. I left. I had work to do. Perhaps, you'll recall."

I believed him. But that so wasn't the point anymore.

"Yea Edward, actually I do. But that doesn't even matter anymore. I don't care about Ashley. I don't care about the party. I don't even care about what you did last night. That's not why I'm upset."

My admission seemed to startle him a bit, but he recovered quickly. "Then please Bella, _love_, by all means, tell me what is upsetting you."

"I-- I, it's just..."

Evidently righteous indignation did nothing to help with the complete sentences. "You should have told me," I managed to whisper.

"But it was nothing!" he practically snarled, sounding more agitated than he ever did. I held my hand up then, cutting him off.

"That's not even it, Edward!" My voice was too loud now, but I couldn't care less. "It's just, well, yea, I heard what you told your study buddy this morning. '_It's nothing.'_ That's what you said to her. _Everything's fine_. Well, _I_ don't think it's all fine Edward! And it's certainly not nothing."

To my surprise, my ranting only served to calm him down.

"You're right Bella. It's not nothing. I'm sorry."

Um. Okay. Leave it to Edward to agree with me right away.

I glared.

He sighed.

"It's just, I mean...why didn't you tell her who I was? I'm not nothing!"

He took a deep breath. "Of course not." Pause. "But Bella, did you truly think I was going to broadcast our relationship status to _Leila Meadows_? That girl is catty and superficial and absolutely lives for gossip that she can twist and spread for her amusement. I have no intention of fueling her petty curiosity and childish pleasures. And frankly, it's none of her business." He was verging on angry now. But not really at me.

Oh.

Just lovely.

I took a sip of juice and stuffed a forkful of eggs in my mouth. _I hate you Edward Cullen_. Even when I'm furious, you have to go and be all rational about everything.

I narrowed my eyes in a truly spiteful glare. Best one that morning if I did say so myself.

He sighed again. Loudly. But I was pleased that my performance had at least warranted a mild reaction.

"Bella," he prompted.

I kicked at him under the table.

Real mature Bella. Real mature. He winced when my foot made contact with his shin but, otherwise, my juvenile theatrics had no effect. _Fuckfuckfuck..._

He closed his eyes and lowered his head, pinching the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger. Suddenly, he looked very tired.

Slowly, "I don't know what else to say, Bella."

"I can't handle it Edward!" I was pretty sure that I was screaming now. I noted a few sideways glances from nearby onlookers, but thankfully, the dining hall was rather empty. Edward had the decency not to tell me to lower my voice.

"The not knowing and the not trusting and the always fucking worrying that you're off...that you're off _forgetting_ about me."

His eyes flashed darkly for an instant, but that's all I got. He smoothed his expression effortlessly, his face a composed mask. But his stare was still cold. "What do you want, Bella?" his voice deadly calm now.

_You. Only you. _The rational me whispered. But, apparently, the rest of me wanted to pick a fight.

I pushed my half-eaten breakfast plate away, this time succeeding in spilling my orange juice, and stood. I glared with practiced precision before turning away. I was vaguely aware of his hastening to clear our trays and hurrying behind me. But I was already at the door.

Edward caught me before I was halfway through the parking lot.

"You planning to storm home now?"

_Hmm_... Hadn't actually considered that.

He touched my arm, and I stopped, spinning around to face him. "No Edward, sorry to get your hopes up. I'm staying. Besides, who knows what.._._I mean, _who_ you'll do once I'm back in Forks."

That was low Bella. Real low.

But I was too far gone. I huffed and pulled away from him and stomped off. He followed.

After a few moments, though, I realized he was no longer behind me. Curious, I slowed and turned around. He'd stopped at my truck. He had my key and was unlocking the door. I watched as he leaned in, grabbing my bag off the floorboard. Leave it Edward to think of everything.

Back in the room, I plopped down on the futon and turned on the TV. I wanted to make a statement. I wanted to be mad. I wanted to piss him off.

And honestly, I couldn't even begin to explain why.

Why did I want to fight?

Why did I want to make him mad?

Why did I want to cause a scene?

And why, _why _did I want to jeopardize everything we had?

I'm an idiot.

But I'm a self-righteous idiot. And, at that point, I was way to proud to apologize and take it all back.

So, I sat, flipping channels, not watching anything at all, while Edward busied himself in his room.

After a while, he reemerged. He still looked tired. Sad. And some sadistic, idiotic part of me was actually pleased at that.

"I have to go to the library. Are you okay?" He waited. As if I was actually going to respond. I refused to look at him. After a few moments of silence, he continued. "I'll be back in an hour or two. We'll get something good to eat tonight. I love you."

"Sure you do." _Jesus Christ _Bella. Why the fuck did you say that!?

"Yea. I do. You know that."

"But I never see you. It's been nearly a month. And now I'm here, and you're just gonna head off to the library to hang out with _them_." The implication was clear.

And it was totally unfair.

For a moment I thought he was going to react. To fight back. But he remained unflappable as always.

Deep sigh. He was composing himself. I knew I was pushing him. But that was my intention, wasn't it?

"You're right Bella. I have to go to the library. I have a midterm project." He looked at his watch. "Due in approximately five hours. I told you I had a lot of work to do this weekend, but you didn't believe me. And I'm okay with that. I understand. But I still have to get my work done. So I'm going to leave now. I'll be back shortly. And we'll go out tonight. And hopefully we can work this out. Because I need everything to be okay." Pause. "I love you."

I finally looked up at him.

"I know you do."

-------------------

It was difficult to stay mad at Edward when he wasn't actually there.

Still, I wasn't sure I was ready to apologize.

I needed more.

And no. Petulance probably wasn't the best strategy, but it was the only plan I had. I watched TV without really watching anything at all. I'm not sure how long I sat there staring at the screen. I was miserable. I wanted Edward to come back. I wanted Edward to love me. I wanted Edward to scream at me. I wanted everything to be alright.

After a while, Rose appeared, leaning casually against the doorjamb, eyeing me imperiously.

I turned the volume up, pointedly ignoring her.

"So, you decided to come to Seattle even after he told you not to. Interesting."

She clearly didn't get the message. I turned the TV up louder.

"But then again, he went to the party even after he told you wasn't going."

Was she still talking? I ventured a scowl in her direction but managed to hold my tongue. She wasn't looking at me; her perfectly manicured nails were clearly more interesting. Lovely.

"Yes," she drawled on as if we were merely discussing the weather. "It would seem as though you two are strangely well matched."

"Blow me Rose."

"Now, now ladies," Emmett tsked from the doorway. I didn't even know he was listening. "No need to be hateful. Unless Bells, you're serious about your request. And, in that case, I'd love to watch."

Rose shot him a truly scathing glare, and I wondered for like the millionth time what on earth he could see in her.

But he smiled indulgently, sidling up to her and placing an arm around her waist, impervious to her nastiness.

I glared (again) and turned the TV up even louder.

-------------------

Edward returned around 4:30. He still looked tired, _very _tired. But he smiled at me when he came in the room.

He actually had the gall to _smile _at me.

I inwardly rolled my eyes and did my best to ignore him.

He sat down next to me, and it looked as though he wanted to touch me.

He didn't.

"Em and Rose are going out for sushi. They want us to come with them."

I choked out a pained laugh but otherwise did not respond.

"It's a good restaurant. You'll like it Bella."

I turned my head and stared at him coldly. "What? Really, Edward, you want to go to dinner with me? Surely one of your sycophant sorority followers would love to join you instead."

Again, I wasn't entirely sure why I'd said what I'd said, but it was too late.

Long pause. "Yes," he began, unnaturally calm. "Perhaps. But I would like to go with you."

My expression softened without my permission. "Okay."

* * *

Two hours later, we were seated at a charming little sushi restaurant a few miles away from campus. It was not the same place we'd been when Alice and I were there over fall break. This place was nicer. Edward had made reservations this morning. Turns out he was excited about spending a fun night with me once he was done with his midterm project.

Yea. I know. _I know._

I am a horrible not-quite girlfriend.

He sat close to me. I could feel the ripples of electricity between us. It was almost soothing, but I did my best to ignore him.

We ordered quickly. Conversation was lacking. Emmett seemed uncomfortable. At least my foul mood was affecting someone. Rosalie sipped her tea, and Edward ate edamame as if nothing was out of the ordinary.

"So," Em ventured once our main courses had arrived. "You and Bells got plans later?"

Edward looked at me pointedly. Rose didn't acknowledge the question.

"I don't know E, do you?" My tone was sickly sweet. It was beyond catty, spiteful, unfair. I knew I should be embarrassed, but I was on a roll. I fingered a tekka roll and stuck it in my mouth. Chopsticks be damned.

"I was hoping we did," he responded levelly, "but now I'm not too sure."

Rosalie perked up at that. She looked up from her sashimi and eyed me critically. "Eddie, we're checking out that new bar on Broadway. You know, _Eclipse_. You're welcome to join us, even if...Bella isn't interested." She said my name as if the very sound left an incredibly foul taste on her tongue. And, suddenly, I was even more pissed at Rose than I was at Edward.

"Thanks, Rosalie," I responded, much to everyone's surprise. "But I think _Eddie_ and I would like to be alone tonight."

Emmett looked relieved and chanced a reassuring glance at his brother. Edward said nothing but calmly took another bite of hamachi.

We finished the meal in relative silence. So much for the double date.

Edward and I didn't talk as he drove us back to campus. Honestly, I was tired of fighting. But I wasn't quite ready to say 'I'm sorry.'

I followed him into the room. His comportment bothered me. He was too stiff. Too serious.

He turned on the light and sat down heavily on his bed. "Bella, we need to talk."

Not good. I managed a sarcastic response despite my concerns.

"What? No ice cream?"

"No. No ice cream."

Great. Just great.

* * *

**a/n: Reviews for reconciliation and love.**

_**Fall Back Again **_**now has its own thread on Twilighted!**

**http://www(.)twilighted(.)net/forum/viewtopic(.)php?f=44&t=8184 **

**Please stop by and say hello. I'll be posting teasers and whatnot.**

**xo always, Violet**


	18. In Between

**Disclaimer: I do not own _Twilight_ or the lovely characters. Rated M. The words are mine. **

_We need to talk. _

But we weren't talking. I wasn't even sure that I was breathing.

I couldn't remember the walk from his car to the room. My mouth felt like sandpaper, my stomach a tight ball of lead. I stood awkwardly, alone in the doorway watching as he sat down on the bed.

His posture, like his words, was unnerving. He was stiff, unmoving, as if stilling himself for what was about to come.

I felt out of place. A stranger in the room I was so comfortable in just weeks before. A stranger with this boy..._my boy_. The boy who has always been my best friend, _my_ first love...my only love...my _everything_.

My hands were cold. I was suddenly very tired. The dance was over. I'd ruined everything.

It was as though I was waking up from a dream in which people I knew did very strange things, in which _I_ did very strange things. It was not a particularly odd dream, but it struck me with abject horror. And I couldn't believe I'd acted the way I had. Scenes from the last several hours replayed in my head. I'd known what I was doing, and I'd known it was wrong. But I hadn't been able to stop myself. All my fears, doubts, and insecurities had come bubbling to the surface, and I cringed to think of the sadistic pleasure I'd taken in all the spiteful comments and hateful remarks.

Finally: "Bella, I can't do this."

My heart plummeted, and I realized my fists were clenched, fingernails digging into my palms. Four half-moon shaped marks. I still couldn't breathe.

"I, um, we..." I lowered my head. For all the witty, sarcastic, nasty words I'd so easily flung earlier, I had absolutely nothing to say.

Can you break up if you're never really together?

He continued, "I want to do this, love, I do." He looked up, dark eyes flat. "But I can't."

He made this declaration with fingers spread and palms upward in a show of openness. For seconds long eternity, he stared me down as I drank in the poison of our reality. I wondered if he could sense my devastation.

"No." I'm not sure if I managed to say the word out loud or not.

I felt his resignation, though, from the way his fingers slackened and slowly and involuntarily curled inward.

_I did this._

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes again. I forced myself to do the same.

"Maybe we should take a little time." I yanked my head up again. His eyes caught mine; his expression scared me. "A break. Figure out what we want, what we need to do to make this work...if we can make this work."

_If..._

Suddenly my entire world collapsed onto a single point, that single moment. In the whole universe, this one and only place, everything was at a standstill. My status was progressing toward barely contained panic.

We went to the zoo together one summer. Edward likes animals; he used to draw them. He was pretty good at it. But, then again, Edward's good at everything.

Cat. Hippopotamus. Mountain lion. Alligator. Garden snake. Porcupine. Toy poodle.

I could never draw anything. I wrote some pretty lame poetry in middle school, but that's about the extent of my artistic expertise.

The zoo was hot and smelly. I'm not really a nature girl. And I don't even like to be outside. I wanted to go in the penguin house. It would be air conditioned in there.

But I didn't tell Edward that because I didn't want him to think I wasn't having fun.

I've spent years worrying about what Edward thinks of me. Why the hell did I stop caring this morning?

It's funny, you push and you push and you push towards an inexorable end. But then, when it arrives, it stuns you to the core. From the moment I woke up that morning, I was looking to pick a fight. What the hell did I expect to happen? Even Edward's admirable patience and calm has it's limits. Despite sex-god status and Adonis-like abs, he's only human.

"That's not what I want," I murmured breathlessly.

"Really Bella?" his tone hardened. "Because for the last twelve hours or so, you've been acting like it's exactly what you want. I don't know what you expect from me, but I'm beginning to think that I can't give it to you."

"No..." But he was right. Again. Not about my expectations, or even what I want, but about my deplorable behavior.

If I were an animal, I'd be a penguin. A bird that lacks typical bird-like grace and can't even fly. They slide. And they seem to enjoy suffering. Just look at where they live. Yep. That would be me.

"Bella, love, all day it's seemed like you've wanted nothing more than to push me away. I love you. I haven't lied to you. And I wanted to be with you. But I _can't_ do this."

Rational Bella was the first to admit that he had a point.

I felt his words sear into my skin, but instead of going hot, I felt numb.

I closed my eyes and counted to ten. I was working myself up to near hysteria.

I tried to take slow, even, calming breaths. Yes, calming. Complete with thoughts of green tea and yoga poses and moonlit walks on the beach. My head swum, and I felt full of little splintered fragments. Damn the river with broken glass; my dreams are bleeding through.

I gasped for breath, chest heaving, and felt incomplete.

Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry.

But with each choked back sob, I lost a little more of my self control, and surely a little more of what made me, me.

Isabella Marie Cullen. Totally obsessed with Edward Cullen. And losing him.

The finality of it all frightened me.

I guess I looked like I was about to cry or maybe just pass out because his expression softened, head cocked, eyes considering, softly smiling.

"Come here."

I obeyed without thinking and sunk down on the bed beside him. He placed a hand on my knee. Such a simple gesture, but I felt the familiar thrum of energy between us. Regardless of everything, my body was keyed to his touch.

I kicked off my shoes, wriggled my bare toes. It gave me something to do other than think, breathe, cry.

There was a tight silence between us then. Each of us lost in our own thoughts, unwilling to break the quiet.

Eventually the tension was too much. I had to say something. "Remember in fifth grade when I fell out of that tree and broke my arm?"

He nodded, lips pursed, remembering, clearly unsure of where I was headed. But he was used to my non sequiturs by now and was indulging me as always.

"It hurt," I continued. "And you thought I was faking the pain."

"Well, in my defense," he offered, "you did that sort of think all he time. How was I supposed to know you were telling the truth that time."

"Exactly."

I heard his slight intake of breath, and I waited for his response. My point was clear.

I noticed the soft curl of pink lips, as if he were trying to hold back one comment of another.

Finally: "But then I realized I was wrong, and I believed you. I never doubted your...injuries again."

He was right, of course. In proving my point, I also managed to prove his. I hate being right and wrong all at once. And it all comes back to the million dollar question: _What will it take for you to trust me?_

If only I could be like Elizabeth Bennet and discover that all my prejudices and apprehensions were entirely ill-founded. You're not such a good judge of character after all. Mr. Darcy is everything you dreamed he'd be.

And Edward is too, of course. But all my apprehensions still seemed very much justified.

It's strange, I know that he likes to sleep with his back against the wall. I know that he has a thing for salsa and Mexican beer even though he's never lived anywhere but Washington State. I know that he owns not one but two Avril Lavigne CDs, but he would rather go without sex and ice cream for an entire year than admit to it. And I know that he has three freckles on his left hipbone and a pale, crescent shaped birthmark over his collarbone.

But I don't know if I'll ever be enough for him, and I don't know if I can trust him.

This is not a Jane Austen novel; a happy ending is not guaranteed. And this is not some formulaic storybook romance; I'm not going to be able to fix this one easily.

I'm more like Cathy from _Wuthering Heights _anyways. Petulant, spoiled, and hopelessly childish.

I don't even remember if that book has a happy ending. I think I was undecided. Regardless, Heathcliff is well suited for Cathy; they deserve each other.

I've never deserved Edward. And I've proved as much this weekend. Quite thoroughly I might add.

"You know, I thought I was in hell yesterday...the party, the bathroom... But this is worse."

He eyed me speculatively for a few moments. "Dante's or Milton's?"

"Dante, definitely Dante."

"Yes, the whirlwinds punishing sins of lust. It does have a nice ring to it, doesn't it?"

"No. It was the boiling blood."

"Ah. Wrath."

Silence.

Then: "I feel like I should hit you or something. Doesn't every bitchy girlfriend do that when she picks an irrational fight?"

I almost gasped when I realized my slip. _Girlfriend. _But Edward either didn't notice or had the decency not to comment.

Nodding once seriously, he tilted his chin, offering up his cheek. "Go right ahead. It will probably just hurt your hand."

Somehow I avoided the temptation.

"You know Edward, I've always listened to you talk about what you do with other girls. And it always made me want you even more. But now that I'm with you, I can't stop thinking about it."

I used present tense deliberately, and he didn't correct me.

"I mean, how would you feel if I constantly one-upped your stories of illicit lovemaking with my own lurid accounts via someone else's boyfriend."

His eyes held mine for a moment, and I held my breath, wondering if perhaps I'd gone too far (again).

"I've never slept with someone's girlfriend." His tone was lighter than I expected, so I relaxed infinitesimally.

"True. But you could have."

"Touche."

"I almost slept with Newton."

I'm not sure why I said it. It's not like I thought it would help matters any. But I have limited self-control, and, evidently, I'm a bitch. It was nearly a lie anyway. And it was months ago. But still.

He jerked his head in my direction, and I smiled inwardly when his eyes flashed darkly.

"And you're telling me this now because?" The words slipped off his tongue in a honeyed, venomous tone.

I shrugged.

But then, "it's no matter. You don't want Newton anymore."

_So not the point Edward_.

"Well," I huffed. "The least you could do is care! Be jealous or something. I dunno Edward. Act like I matter to you. Act like you don't want me to be with anyone else." I'm pretty sure I was practically screaming, but Edward was more than familiar with my particular brand of crazy by then.

"Dramatic, Bella, as always. I'm surprised that theater arts was never your thing."

I paused as if considering. We'd had that discussion before. "Nah. I needed to make it through the audition without tripping. They prefer actresses with a bit of natural poise and grace. Unfortunately, I was lacking in that department."

That earned a small grin. "Well, I like you a bit unsteady. And believe me Bella, I do care."

He sighed loudly and pushed a wisp of hair out of his face. It fell right back again. "I need a smoke." He got to his feet, patting his pockets. "Join me?"

"Yea."

I watched as he opened the window. The rush of air from outside chilled the room slightly, but it wasn't all that cold. Mild fall. He took my hand in his and helped me climb outside and onto the broad ledge. I tried not to notice how warm and right his palm felt pressed against mine.

We settled down together, and I hugged my knees to my chest. He sat close to me; I like it better that way, but it was all I could do not to be overwhelmed by his heat and his smell and the _feel _of him on my skin and in my hair and on my tongue.

"You don't smoke much anymore," I noted neutrally, but inside I was pleased.

I mostly blamed Edward's predilection for cigarettes on Carlisle. I think it's an occupational hazard of being a renown doctor and health enthusiast. Your children rebel, no matter that--or simply because-- they know better. Edward discovered early on that he looked positively delectable (in a devil may care kind of way) with a cigarette dangling from his perfect lips.

I tend to look nauseous and asthmatic.

"Nah. Only when..." he trailed off, but I knew what he meant. Only when my belligerent non-girlfriend pulls this psycho, jealous, scorned lover charade. _Great Bella. Just great. _

"Or when I drive. Sometimes when I drive."

And, without my permission, my body suddenly decided to remember that night in my room when he drove to Forks to tell me he loved me. I felt the hot slide of his coffee-flavored tongue against mine, his breath hot in my mouth and subtly tinged with smoke.

He pulled a crushed cigarette out of his front pocket. It wouldn't light. Never does on the first try. Then, orange match flare in cupped hands. I watched as his lips curled around the filter.

Breathe deep.

Exhale.

The smoke coiled and twisted and disappeared on the crisp night air.

I insinuated myself in the crook of his arm. It still felt right, and he didn't seem to mind. I knew it would be so easy to slip back into that take what you can get mentality. Better than nothing. Better than losing...everything.

Rational Bella broke in with a chorus of _"you're an idiot," _and I couldn't help but agree. I'd already ruined everything. But dreams are only shadows anyway, somewhere in between the silver and the gold. Or maybe everything is black. Seemed most likely.

Especially considering my little performance earlier.

_Say you're sorry_.

Actions that seem impractical, impossible during the day gain respectability after dark. _Do it Bella. Say you're sorry_.

But I couldn't form the words, and he was snuffing out his cigarette and helping me to my feet.

Back through the looking glass to the unreality of my reality. My heart was still pounding away inconsistently in my chest; my breathing was still taunting me. And it was _all _of my own design. We used to be lovely.

Suddenly I didn't know what to do.

Perhaps I never did.

Had we finished our talk? We'd resolved nothing.

And again I stood awkwardly, waiting for my life to work itself out.

My phone buzzed, and I welcomed the distraction.

Alice.

I could barely understand her for the shrieking. Or maybe that was the caffeine. That girl should really curb her intake. But I somehow managed to convince her that I was alright, even if I couldn't convince myself.

"Yea, yea sweetie. We're okay. Well, he hasn't kicked me out yet anyhow. Okay. Yea. I'll call you tomorrow when I'm on my way home. Love you too. Now, get back to Jasper."

I slid my phone back in my pocket and looked up. He was watching me again.

'Alice and Jasper. They're..." He stopped and made a face. "Wait, no. I probably don't want to know."

"Nope," I agreed, flashing my best (under the circumstances) cheeky smile. "You don't."

He scowled.

Great. I'd pissed him off. Again.

But I doubted I could do much worse. And perhaps it was a bit better to take the attention off our dysfunctional non-relationship.

"Seems a bit of a double standard Eddie," I continued. "It's okay if you have sex. It's okay if _I _have sex. But not Alice."

"You misunderstand, love. It's okay if you have sex with me."

"Oh, right." I rolled my eyes. "Of course you're the exception."

He nodded in complete agreement. Well, that's fair.

At least he didn't try to deny it. And I was pleased it appeared that he _actually _did care who I slept with.

"But Alice..."

He held up his hands. "Alice is my sister."

"You used to say I was like your sister."

He shrugged, unapologetic. "You were probably with Newton at the time. I haven't thought of you like a sister in quite a while."

Silence.

Now what?

I needed to apologize. But I still couldn't.

"What can we do to make this right, Edward?" I could barely hear my voice over the not so steady thump thump thump of my heart, but somehow I managed to force the words out. He didn't respond, though, and I was terrified that, regardless of our on again off again repartee, I had really screwed things up for good. He woke up and finally asked himself what the hell am I doing with this immature high school girl in the first place?

I should have seen it coming all along. But I just had to force his hand a bit to make sure.

"I don't know, Bella. I just don't know. But I'm exhausted, and I need to go to bed. I can sleep on the futon."

_Okay..._

"Alright," I told my lap. My lap didn't respond. Neither did Edward. "I want to take a shower."

Edward used to take incredibly long baths, splashing about like some sort of freshwater fish. I always take showers. Efficient and effective.

I was suddenly curious if he missed having a bathtub, and I blurted out the ridiculous question before I had the chance to think about it.

He quirked an eyebrow expectantly. "Why do you ask, love? Would you be interested in taking a bath with me when we're back in Forks?"

I blushed, then I glared.

He smirked.

On some level I realized that it was funny that we could fall into such comfortable conversation...remarks laced with innuendo even at a time like this. Or maybe it's just disconcerting, realizing that we could easily fall back to the way things were before.

It's quite tempting really.

Nothing changes, and nothing is ever solved.

"Well, I'm going to shower."

He nodded but said nothing.

The hot water served to uncoil the knots in my shoulders, but it did nothing to calm my thoughts or solve my problems.

I still brushed my teeth thoroughly.

The lights were off when I got back to his room.

Edward was already stretched out of the futon under a pile of downy comforters. He was only pretending to be asleep. His breathing was too regular. Too predictable.

I considered slamming the door shut to startle him, but mature Bella won out for once.

He looked warm. Comfortable.

I wanted to slip in beside him, twine my body ivy like around his. Forget everything. Be with him again.

But I forced myself to walk past him and into his room. And, for the first time ever, I shut the door between us.

His sheets were crisp, cold, uncomfortable.

I don't know how long I lay awake in his bed. Not sleeping. Just thinking, wanting, hurting. Perhaps I'm just in love with the idea of him.

But I couldn't even say I was sorry.

And I see him when I sleep anyway.

Around midnight I got out of bed. It was cold, but I had to fix this. Or at least try. Now.

I'm pretty sure he wasn't asleep either. I took a bit of self indulgent pleasure at that. But only a bit.

As quietly as I could, I slipped in beside him. It was warm under his covers. He groaned softly and turned toward me. We were all limbs and hard angles, but suddenly I was more comfortable than I'd been all day.

"You're here," he murmured the obvious, but it was exactly what I wanted to hear.

"I'm here. You're warm." See, I can state the obvious too.

"_Mmmm..." _came his muffled response. I could feel his breath in my hair, and I tucked my head under his chin. His arms tightened around me.

"I'm so sorry Edward."

He didn't say anything for a long time, and I was terrified that it wouldn't be enough. Too little too late. My body was tense, wire-taut and practically trembling. But he squeezed me closer to his chest and finally spoke softly. "I know. But thank you for apologizing."

"I don't know what came over me. I didn't mean half the things I said, and I just couldn't stop myself. _God_... I just—"

But he pressed a finger to my lips, cutting me off. "Sshhh...it's okay love. I probably deserved half of it anyways."

"True..."

He snorted, and I was quick to qualify my statement so as to not to nullify the apology. "It's not an excuse. I had no right to say the things I said."

He was quiet again, and the moment stretched and stretched. I snuggled closer, wriggling my body against his. "You were upset. I understand that." Pause. "But I don't want to fight Bella. I can't handle fighting with you."

"I know. I'm sorry."

More silence. I inhaled, breathing him in, and pushed my leg between his, bare toes pressing against his calf.

Mentally crossing my fingers, I spoke again: "I don't want to take a break Edward. I want us to work."

"I want us to work too," came his noncommittal reply.

"Please Edward. I want to try. It's just, when I'm away from you, my imagination gets the best of me. I don't know why you want me...want to be with me. And, I worry. But I want to try," I repeated. "I want to trust you."

"I want to be with you. You have to believe that. But that doesn't change the fact that I am going to be here, and you are going to be home in Forks."

"I know."

"You're going to have to be okay with that."

"I know."

Another long silence. I moved my hands to his chest, feeling his heart beat under my palms, before curling my fingers into the soft cotton of his tee-shirt.

"Come see me next weekend." His voice was low, a whispered murmur. And, for a moment, I didn't believe he'd actually spoken. Said that. Asked me.

And maybe it was a good time to assert my independence. Prove that I could be alright when he was away. More trusting. More accepting. More everything for him.

But that _so_ wasn't going to happen. I can't deny him anything, after all.

"Okay," I breathed. At least I didn't shriek my enthusiasm Alice-like. And, I was currently laying down, which conveniently prevented and celebratory jumping up and down. He wanted to try. He wanted to make this work. And he wanted me to visit him. Again. Even after this disaster of a weekend. He wanted me.

I turned my head, pressing my lips to his collarbone.

"This is still going to be difficult, love. Neither of us has done this before. And you won't be able to see me every weekend." He paused, breathing deeply, and rubbed his hand gently up and down up and down my back. "But this will make it a bit easier. And I'll be home for Thanksgiving the following week."

"It will be okay. I have to believe that."

"Yes," he agreed softly, mouth in my hair.

I shifted against him, chest pressed to his chest, knee pushed between his thighs, fingers twisted in his shirt. He lowered his head, and his mouth found mine. Soft at first, his lips ghosted back and forth over mine. His tongue slipped along my lip, darting in between, slick and sweet. His breath was warm, as his mouth continued to move with both heat and hesitancy.

He rolled me underneath him, supporting his weight on his forearms, rocking his hips against mine. I could feel his hardness pressed against me, and I parted my legs slightly, allowing him to settle into between them.

My head was thrumming with all the delicious, breathy noises he was making, and I wrapped my arms around his neck, threading my fingers in his hair. His slender hips pushed into mine, and I whimpered and moaned, and opened my mouth against his.

He shuddered and reached one hand up to my face, fingers brushing my cheek before sliding down to my neck to cup the base of my skull and pull my head closer to his.

I could kiss him for hours. Locked in time forever, while the movement of our mouths and tongues pushed every coherent thought, every paranoid concern, every justified apprehension out of my system for good.

He moaned and I moaned, and then he pulled away breathless and panting. "Fuck Bella," he gasped, when he'd recovered sufficiently to do so. I was still incapable of such eloquent expressions. "I love kissing you."

"_Mmmm..." _I practically purred, as his teeth nipped playfully at my jawline and his hips continued to rock against mine.

"I think we can make this work," he murmured against my neck.

"_Mmmm..." _I repeated, as articulate as always.

"Now let's get some sleep."

And, as much as I wanted to protest, wanted more, it was absolutely perfect to be scooped into his arms and pulled tight against his chest. He sighed, breathing out as I breathed in, and pressed his lips to the crown of my head, kissing me once, twice.

"I love you Bella."

"_Mmmm..."_

_-------------------_

**a/n: Reviews for progress and for Edward in bed. I have perhaps 36 reasons for such, um, tardiness with my update. Two reasons are really quite valid excuses. I promise. Quite simply, this chapter was very difficult for me. But it's done, our lovely E and B are making progress, and I won't be nearly so slow next time. **

**Thanks for your continued support and your patience. I greatly appreciate it. **

**Come say hello on our thread at _Twilighted_ **

**http://www(.)twilighted(.)net/forum/viewtopic(.)php?f=44&t=8184 **

**I could use the advice and suggestions.**

**xo always Violet**


	19. One Night

**Disclaimer: I don't own **_**Twilight**_**. Rated M for strong language, adult situations, and sexual content.**

There was sound coming from somewhere. I groaned. Then cursed. The alarm. I couldn't believe it was morning already. I detest waking up. I don't even like taking naps anymore because I hate waking up so much.

I rolled over, expecting to find Bella's warmth. Her hair in my mouth, her elbows pressed hard into my ribs, her toes working their way between my calves. But it was Monday, and she was gone.

I pressed the snooze button with perhaps a bit too much animosity and rolled over again.

Two snoozes and twenty minutes later and I still really didn't want to get out of bed. It was supposed to cold out today too. _It may be cold, but at least it's rainy... _I kid myself when no one's looking.

All right. Out of bed. Find something to wear. It was getting difficult to distinguish between the clean and dirty piles of clothing. I would have been embarrassed with Bella visiting and all, but I had a lot on my mind.

Brush teeth. Comb hair? I wondered if I could run a brush through it if I actually tried. I decided it wasn't worth the effort.

I had two classes that morning, and neither was really important. I watched people walk by as I made my way to upper campus for some breakfast. People that I don't know but go to class with everyday. Most people were bundled up. I really hadn't slept well that night. I remembered waking up a few times while it was still dark.

It's funny, you'd think I'd sleep better with my bed all to myself. Without the unfamiliar familiar weight of Bella beside me. _Seldom the sleeper. Disconcerted dreamer. _But even I have to admit that wasn't true.

There's been plenty of girls. Always a girl. But never one that I wished to stay the night. Curl up around and fall asleep. That's when you're truly vulnerable. It doesn't have anything to do with sex. It's the cozy, domesticity of the aftermath that has always chilled me to the core.

That is, perhaps, until now...

When did I find myself enjoying something which I would never, under ordinary circumstances, consider enjoyable before?

More people walked by. I could see them in the distance, on the hill that leads up to classes. Girls are the funniest. Thin fluttery skirts, bare legs, and wispy insubstantial scarves. They had to be freezing. I recognized a few of them.

I saw one guy I met at some rush thing at the start of the term. It _really_ wasn't my thing. Em laughed at me for a week.

"_I can see it now. Baby brother the frat boy." _

"_I'm not your baby brother. Twins. Remember?" _

"_Sure you are. Three and a half minutes." _

I'll never live that down. And (for once) it wasn't even my fault. But I didn't join a fraternity. And it was probably one of my better decisions. There are parties enough without the, for lack of a better word, servitude. Or, at the very least, the many indecencies involved in pledging.

I sat behind a desk, behind a desk, behind a desk, behind that girl from my modern lit. class. She was pretty in the traditional way. I've found myself watching her before. Pretty eyes, pretty face, pretty skin. Nice tits, nice hips, nice ass. But she was clearly nothing when compared to Bella. I chewed on my fingernail and turned my attention back to the professor.

After class it was time for lunch.

I didn't feel like waiting in line at the grill, so I just grabbed cereal and milk and sat down. Bella always laughs when I eat cereal for lunch, for dinner. I shook my head and absolutely did _not _wonder what she was eating for lunch. Or who she was eating with. No, I didn't think of Bella at all. Not at all.

After a few bites I determined that this cereal wasn't as good as the kind I'd had the other day. Not exactly stale but...chewier. More wheaty perhaps? They must be different kinds; this one must be worse.

I consoled myself with M&M's for dessert. The peanut ones.

And I absolutely did not think of Bella.

I took an easy Medieval European history test that afternoon that was probably not worth my time in the educational, self-improvement kind of way. I took it with a $25 dollar space pen a friend gave me as a gift. You know, the kind that can write upside down, right side up, underwater and, presumably, in space. It has sentimental value. The whole test taking experience had aesthetic value for no reason other than that. That, and I supposed I over did it on the studying. But I usually do. And, the girl sitting across from my was hot.

But she was nothing like Bella.

I realized then that I'd never told Bella I was sorry.

Until that moment, I don't think I believed I had anything to apologize for. And one rather vocal, stubborn, imbecilic part of me was inclined to agree. But the fight never would have transpired had her complaints, her concerns, her fears not been, to some extent, justified. I simply wasn't ready to admit that her suspicions had some grounds -- that, perhaps, I was not entirely worthy of her trust.

I'm not sure I will ever be able to admit that.

Something to work for, I suppose.

That afternoon I went running with Emmett. I complained loudly of a strained muscle before we'd even gotten started just to ensure that he'd be even more pissed when I beat him.

Any other time, he would have made some lewd comment about the correlation between strained muscles and my extracurricular activities, but he seemed to understand that it was off limits now.

And I did win. Emmett was stronger than me. Always had been. But I was faster. And, unlike Em, typically wasn't drawn to sports that sanctioned beating the shit out of your opponents. Today, though, I couldn't even manage to come up with any snide celebratory comments upon my victory.

Emmett noticed.

"So, are you going to tell me what's wrong?"

Noncommittal shrug.

"I take it you weren't expecting her this weekend."

I didn't even pretend not to know which _her _he referred to.

"No. I mean yes. But that's not the issue."

He looked at me pointedly, and I knew that there was no point in hiding the truth.

"I'm not sure what to do about Bella."

"Well, I could have figured that much out on my own Eddie."

I smacked his shoulder. My hand stung, but I refused to flinch. I took a deep breath. "It's just that I didn't expect any of this. But everything is different now." Deep sigh. "And I don't think we can go back to the way things were before."

He nodded, considering carefully. "Would you even want to?"

I stopped walking and looked at him. I hadn't even considered that. "But she doesn't trust me," I responded finally.

"Have you given her a reason to?"

My first instinct was to hit him again; my insides prickled with righteous indignation. But after a dirty scowl and another deep breath, I realized he was right.

"Thought so."

I glared again but said nothing.

"Edward, you'd have sex with green jello if you could."

I shot him a second, (hopefully) more intense glare.

He glared right back. Apparently I'd missed something.

"Well, maybe not today," he qualified. "But in the not so distant past."

"What's wrong with green jello?"

"Absolutely nothing. I'm a pro-jello guy myself," he continued. "Even if I don't personally swing that way."

I looked at him like he was crazy; he deserved it. Emmett's a weird duck. But there was a point in there somewhere.

"You know," he began after a few moments, serious now. "It can actually feel quite good – if you let it."

"Green jello?"

"No you asswipe." It was his turn to smack me. This time I winced.

"Having someone." He paused, looking at me now. "Being with someone who only wants you."

I'm not sure what he was expecting, but my silence seemed to unnerve him.

"It's a change, but who knows, you just might like it." Emmett nodded again, more to himself than me. "Or, I suppose, you can just reset your equilibrium with any one of your adoring fans."

"That would be the easy choice," I mused. But I knew before the words were even off my tongue that I couldn't actually do it. Not anymore.

I cringed at the thought.

I would have to accept that I'd changed. She'd changed me.

"But you'd hurt her," he continued, unaware of my internal realizations.

"I know."

I could literally hear the thud thud thud of my heart pounding in my chest, slamming against my ribs. The pavement seemed to sway under my feet with the weight of the realization.

It would never be the same.

But that night I didn't call Bella.

-------------------

The next day passed.

More of the same. More classes that may or may not directly alter the course of my future. Usually I think not. And more girls. Always more girls. I notice them all. Hair, skin, eyes, teeth.

But none of them even begin to compare.

And I wondered when Bella had become the standard by which I judged, well, everything.

_Since always_ I heard from somewhere deep inside my brain. But I already knew that.

I think it had become clear that night back in Forks when I first surrendered to wanting her. To accepting...knowing that it was right.

Of course, it was easy to determine everything that needed to be said when she wasn't there.

And still, that night, I did not call Bella.

Instead, I sat in my bed, back pressed to the wall, and tried to come to terms with my new reality. The fact that someone, anyone...okay, let's face it, _Bella_ could affect me so intensely, even when I was determined to remain unaffected. My mind felt paralyzed, unwilling to think about about it, but unable to think about anything else.

I realized that I've never been mature when it comes to things like this. Emmett calls me emotionally challenged. I call him several choice names of my own.

I knew it was absurd to be disturbed by this. It was inevitable – something I refused to admit that I'd wanted all along. Because admitting it would require accepting that a girl or two...perhaps even a handful...had been little more than a distraction. A defensive mechanism even, protecting me from realizing the truth._ Bella_.

I'd always known that anything worth having does not come without a degree of risk. And risk is not something I'm accustomed to.

Once again, I realized how justified Bella's concerns had been. And how very little I done to reassure her.

Of course, if I were being generous, I'd also have to acknowledge that she'd risked a great deal for me as well.

I counted breaths. I was caught between the excitement and the acceptance, the thrill and the sheer terror at the unknown that continued to dominate all my thoughts. My mind was brimming, overflowing with it. Full of splintered fragments of contradiction, irresolution, indecision. All wordless and heavy, dragged down, distorted, and drugged.

It took a while, but I eventually found some calm, some measure of the control I'd been looking for. I leaned back, resting my head against the cool wall, and closed my eyes without any stressful thoughts intervening. Just calm and quiet and dark for the time being.

And Bella.

* * *

On Thursday Emmett and I went to a bar.

Pool, beer, and girls. Two of my favorite things.

The realization stunned me momentarily.

Em seemed to notice my distraction, but had the good sense not to press the issue.

I should have seen it coming all along.

Perhaps that night I would call Bella.

* * *

_**Bella**_

He hadn't called. And I wasn't about to give in and call him.

I envisioned ourselves in some sort of stalemate in the midst of our Battle Royale. Dramatic, I know. More likely, he'd just had better things to do.

A shiver of dread slid down my spine at that thought, and my heart started to pound painfully again. Edward Cullen did strange things to my blood. At the rate this relationship was going, I was bound to end up with hypertension by the ripe old age of eighteen.

Alice waved a hand in front of my face and interrupted my mental tirade

"Bella...? Jesus Bella, snap the fuck out of it."

I jumped in my seat, startled. "What? Oh, nothing," I responded, my voice breathy squeaky with unresolved anxiety.

"Yea. Right," Alice rolled her eyes.

She saw right through me, of course.

But what was I supposed to say? I'm over here drowning in self-pity, obsessing over all the girls Edward's probably not sleeping with at 12:06 on a Wednesday afternoon.

Rosalie Hale appeared then as if on cue.

I gave her my best glare.

"Charming Bella," she replied, sliding gracefully in beside Jasper.

Alice elbowed me in the ribs. Hard. "Be nice," she hissed under her breath.

"I _am_ nice."

Alice rolled her eyes again.

Rosalie looked at me as though she'd just caught me drowning something small and cute and most likely fluffy.

I tried not to gag.

Jasper made small talk. Very small talk. And I avoided looking at Rose on principal. Why she felt the need to inflict her presence on us at lunch time was beyond me. But Alice's boyfriend's sister or not, I felt _no_ obligation to be civil. Much to Alice's perpetual chagrin.

"So Bella, are you planning a repeat of last weekend?" Rose's caustic sickly sweet trill interrupted the invigorating debate Alice and I had just begun on the desirability of corn dogs over cheese sticks. I, there was no better word, growled at her. Alice snorted and began to deliberately shred her bagel between her fingers.

"Because, really, I think your last visit did wonders for your and Eddie's relationship."

Smacking that smug look off her face rated high on my list of very favorite things right then.

"Thanks Rose. I-- _fuck..." _Alice cut off whatever gloriously spiteful comment I had planned with a well timed kick to the shin.

I scowled indignantly for the rest of the lunch period but said nothing like a good little well-adjusted, non-antagonist high school student.

But when I accidentally, on purpose knocked Rosalie Hale's lunch tray in her lap, I didn't feel the least bit upset. Nope. Not a single twinge of guilt or regret.

Mac n Cheese and chocolate pudding looked positively stunning on those little designer jeans.

And when the teacher on lunch duty assigned my Saturday detention for my "appalling and childish display," I could hardly stop smiling long enough to huff in appropriate outrage.

Jasper was doing his very best to conceal a smile while offering napkins and sympathy to his sister, with a side of Southern courtesy of course.

Alice was caught somewhere between stunned silence and painfully squashed exuberance.

I offered the most disingenuous apology I could muster, smiling sweetly the whole time.

Yep. It was totally worth it.

Even for a Saturday detention.

Wait. Saturday detention. _This _Saturday when I was suppose to visit Edward.

_Oh Fuck..._

* * *

I spent Friday night with Alice to soothe the pain of Saturday detention and, consequently, no Edward.

"It's your own damn fault," she proclaimed, shooting me a truly withering look as I grumbled over my cheese fries.

"Serves you right, anyway," she snorted after a few moments, reaching across the table to grab a fistful of my fries.

"Hey!"

"Hey nothing," she smacked at my hand that had fluttered rather ineffectively in front of my plate to guard the rest of my food.

Alice would never admit it, but I think she was secretly jealous of the time I'd recently spent thinking, dreaming, stressing, and obsessing over her brother. I'd always be close to both of them, but Edward of late, had occupied a bit more of my attention. And Alice, being the good friend in this relationship, totally let me get away with it.

Most of the time anyway.

Still, she was pleased I was spending the weekend with her, even if by forced school decree.

Later, when we were comfortably ensconced in Alice's room, she produced two and a half bottles of Boone's Farm. Strawberry Hill.

"Jazz got em for me," she beamed.

Well, at least he knows his way around convenience store girly beverages. Three...eh, better make that two and a half points for Jazz.

I quirked my eyebrow at the half empty one.

"What?"

Pause.

"I got thirsty."

"Uh huh..."

"So, you never really told me what happened last weekend." Alice leaned forward conspiratorially as if waiting to hear my deepest, dirtiest secret.

"Nope." I held up my hands in mock defense. "I am not _nearly_ drunk enough to discuss it."

"That bad, huh?"

"Well, it certainly wasn't good."

"Here," smirking, she handed me a bottle of Boone's and, holding up a bottle of her own, offered a ridiculous formal salute. "Drink up."

I did.

Half a bottle and twenty minutes later, I'd given her the abbreviated (and slightly more Bella friendly) version.

She nodded at all the right parts and hummed in suitable commiseration.

Finally, "Well, if it weren't my brother, I'd say screw it."

"Been there, done that, still haven't reached the desired outcome."

Alice grimaced and tossed a pillow at my face. I ducked.

"_Ewww..._So not the point. And you know it."

I shrugged unapologetically and took another drink.

"Regardless, it _is _my brother, and you're certifiably obsessed with him."

I nodded. No point in denying the obvious, and I held up my near empty bottle. "This all we've got?"

Alice gave me her best eye roll. "'_White wine and sleeping pills / help you get back into his arms'"_?

Funny Alice. Very funny. "'_Cheap sex and sad films / help me get (back) where I belong.'" _I finished the line for her. "Seriously Alice, you can't live your life by lyrics. Even really good ones," I conceded.

"Touche." She downed the last swallow of her beverage. "And, frankly, as much as I disapprove of my brother's past, um, extracurricular activities, I want him to be happy. And, I think, for some strange reason, you two are well matched."

I choked on my (rather large) swig of Strawberry Hill. Alice stared at me. "Drinking problem?"

Snort. Gasp. "No, no. It's just that Rosalie Hale said the _exact_ same thing to me last weekend.

Alice raised an eyebrow.

"Yea, but she meant it in an entirely bitchy, Rosalie-esque way."

"Decidedly."

We sat in companionable, albeit it at times giggly silence for a while was we finished the remaining Boone's. After a while, Alice broke the comfortable lull in our conversation: "Do you think she'll ever get that chocolate pudding stain off the crotch of her jeans?"

"God I hope not."

-------------------

A few hours later, I was lying in Alice's bed not sleeping, thinking of Edward. (But of course I was). Alice was snuggled next to me drooling on her pillow.

At 12:42 my phone buzzed.

A text from Edward: _What are you doing?_

_Obsessing over you. _No, scratch that. _Thinking about you. _No. Not that either.

_Counting the glow in the dark stars on Alice's ceiling._

I'd always been so jealous of those damn things but too lazy to put some up in my own room. It looked like a lot of work actually. And, honestly, I'm not too sure how she managed it. Alice is short. Her ceiling is high. I bet someone helped her.

Another buzz of my phone interrupted by exhilarating train of thought.

_Sounds mesmerizing. What are you wearing?_

Um, did you not catch the part about my being in Alice's bedroom? I looked down at my attire: ratty Bad Religion t-shirt and plaid pajama pants. Lovely.

_Cami and boxers._

My phone buzzed again. He was calling me this time. For some inexplicable reason, my breath caught in my chest, and I felt a minute surge of anxiety, but I swallowed it down and answered.

"Hey love," he breathed, and his voice was subdued and soft and entirely thrilling. "Go into my room."

"What?"

"My room Bella. It's right down the hall."

_Umm...okay..._

I tried to slide out of bed silently so not to disturb Alice who was snoring softly beside me.

I made as far as the end of the bed with adequate stealth before tripping over something in the dark and slamming into the dresser.

"_Fuck! Oh shit...ow..."_ I grimaced in pain, gritting my teeth in an unsuccessful attempt to be quiet.

"What the fuck was that Swan?" Edward inquired instantly.

"Dresser." I mumbled another obscenity in response and made it out the door.

Alice murmured something softly in her sleep and rolled over again.

I hadn't been in Edward's room in months. Not since he'd left. I'd been over the to Cullens loads of times with Alice, but his room had always been off limits. It was like some sort of unseen barrier separated that end of the hall from Alice's, and I had neither the guts nor the desire to cross the line.

I felt almost sheepish as I opened the door and moved across the threshold into his room. It was almost as though I was scared Alice or Esme would appear out of nowhere and accuse me of doing something wrong.

That was silly of course. It was Edward's room after all, and he'd pretty much demanded that I go in. Besides, he was still on the phone. He'd back me up if I needed him to.

I breathed a sigh of relief as I closed the door behind me, feeling very much like I'd just pulled off some daring and top-secret acrobatic maneuver.

"You okay there?" I could hear his smirk through the phone.

"Yea, I'm Fine," I admitted, though my toe stung something awful. I ignored it though, wondering what on earth he brought me in here for.

It felt odd being in Edward's room without him. I had to suppress the sudden (and relatively inappropriate) urge to rummage through his things. _Not what you're in here for Bella_, I reminded myself quickly. _Besides, he took most of his stuff with him to college anyway. _

Right. Always thinking.

"Why am I in here Edward," I whispered.

"Take off your clothes."

_Oh.._. I couldn't hold back my gasp.

"I, eh..."

"_God_ Bella, I've been thinking about you all day. I was so upset that you couldn't come see me this weekend."

"I, um..."

"Though Rose probably deserved everything you did to her," his lovely laugh sent chills down my spine.

"I...you heard?" God, even I could tell how pathetic I sounded. But I was still reeling from the 'take off your clothes' comment. Still, I hadn't told him about the Mac n Cheese incident.

"Em told me."

"Oh, yea, well, I didn't mean to--"

"Bella..."

"Hmm?"

"Yea you did."

"Well, I--"

"Bella..."

"Hmm?"

"I don't want to talk about Rosalie Hale right now."

Can't argue with that.

"Lay down love."

I did.

I don't think I'd ever seen his bed made. Esme must have done it up once he'd left for school. It still smelled faintly of Edward, but the comforter felt crisp and cool under my skin. Definitely un-slept in.

I felt a bit uncomfortable at first, but without my permission, my mind began to call up memories of the last time I'd been in this bed. When we'd been naked together for the first time, enjoying the warm slide on slide of skin on skin, his tongue pressed into my mouth, his fingers gripping my hips.

"Are you in bed, love?" And his voice...honey, sexy sweet. Blurred soft and dreamlike and smooth, as it seeped into the corners on my mind and sent a rush of warmth between my legs.

"What are you doing?" I asked, embarrassed at how breathless my voice sounded.

"I'm in my room. Em tried to take me out with him, but he couldn't handle my 'sullenness.' Evidently I act like a prick when I miss you."

"You missed me?" I gasped, entirely certain I couldn't have heard him correctly.

"_God yes_. I've been waiting a week to see you, hold you, touch you."

The admission sent tendrils of warmth and want curling through my insides.

"Take off your clothes love."

"What about you?" I managed without stammering.

"Yea."

I heard a soft rustling of cloth on cloth.

And then, "your turn Bella. I want to know you're naked."

"Okay." I shot a furtive glance at his door, confirming that I'd closed it all the way, and then I slipped under his covers. My phone fell to the pillow as I slid my shirt over my head and fumbled with my pajama pants. And then, _oh boy_... Was this really happening?

But it was.

I heard Edward exhale, deep and slow, and my own breath stuttered at the reality of what I assumed we were about to do.

"God Bella, I wanted you here with me tonight." His words oozed over my body, liquid hot, melted sugar, turned me on. "I wanted to show you that it's you and only you I want. Always. No one but you."

There was a long pause, and I could hear his breath, rough now, hot in my ear. "Do you want me?"

"Yes, Edward. I always want you." And it was true. I was embarrassed at how husky and desperate my voice sounded. But he didn't seem to care. If anything, I think it turned him on.

"Fuck Bella..." His words burned my skin and sent another wash of desire to pool between my legs. I _ached_ and he'd done little more than tell me that he wanted me...wanted me naked in his bed.

"God Bella, I'm so hard..."

And I could picture his prick, long and thick and leaking at the tip.

"Touch yourself," I murmured, and I couldn't believe I'd just said that, but, from his sudden, sharp intake of breath, I figured it must have been okay.

"I am."

_Oh...my...God..._

"What are you thinking about."

"You Bella, stretched out and naked in my bed. You're beautiful there."

I lifted my knees and spread my legs slightly, sliding one hand down to cup my breast, squeezing gently while I listened to his breathing, faster now, as he moaned my name. _My name._

I realized how exposed I should feel, here in Edward's bed. But it was alright.

"Touch yourself love."

"Okay."

Are you wet for me."

"Yes."

"God, I want to watch you love. I want to touch you. It feels so good, so good."

His words were slurred now, tumbling faster and faster off his lips, slightly incoherent and sexy with desire.

"How wet are you love?"

"Wet Edward." And I was.

"I want to kiss you love, feel my tongue in your mouth and slide my hands down your thighs, spread your legs for me, hold your hips, slide right in. Warm and wet and so tight love, so tight. Just for me."

"Yes. For you Edward. For you," I breathed

I could tell he was close. My heart was thudding in my ears and he was gasping, his breath coming in short, quick pants. I could hear the sound of his sheets as he moved his hand, faster now, up and down, up and down, thinking of me.

And the thought alone was nearly enough to push me over the edge.

"_Fuck Bella_" he groaned. "I'm close...I can't...I'm gonna come..."

And he did with a soft alluring sound and a long exhale.

I was the one left shaking, alone in his room, in his bed.

We feel asleep together that night. Neither one of us bothered to hang up our phone.

And, for some reason, that experience felt every bit as loving, as intimate, as anything we'd ever shared.

* * *

**a/n: Reviews for chocolate pudding and phone sex.**

**Thank you for your patience. These two have been giving me problems lately. But I think I nearly have everything worked out now. Two chapters left methinks?**

**Love always. Your support keeps me going, even when I'm certain I have no idea what to write.**

**xo Violet  
**


	20. Inception

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or the lovely characters. The words are mine. Rated M for strong language and sexual content.**

**a/n: What's this? An update? I can't believe it either. Obviously, I've been beyond fail at updates recently. I'm so so sorry. But I've been positively unable to write a thing. It's as though as soon as the idea of how to finish this story fell into place, the words were gone. But I believe everything is finally in order now. **

My plan to be up and out of Edward's room before Alice woke up failed miserably. Falling asleep without ending a call does nothing for a phone's battery life. I know. Go figure. And my alarm did not go off. Or maybe (somewhere between imaging Edward naked and listening to him jerk off) I forgot to set it. Both, in all honesty, are equally likely.

Alice was not impressed. Not in the slightest. At least I'd had the presence of mind to pull my tee-shirt back on at some point during the night. She found me sprawled (rather inelegantly) face down on Edward's now unmade bed at approximately ten o'clock the next morning.

And she wasn't about to let me get away with it. "Jesus Bella, even when Edward's not here, he gets all the attention."

"I, um, er..."

"Don't even start." She cut me off before I could even begin to say something sensible. "It's entirely true. I've been relegated to second-rate friend by virtue of, well, not being Edward and absolutely refusing to have sex with you. Lame."

"I, uh..."

"Nope. You've lost your chance. I'm not interested in anyone who's seen Edward naked." She shuddered. "Scratch that. I'm not interested in anyone who's even _wanted_ to see Edward naked." She had a point.

"Alice, you don't like girls." Sometimes you've simply got to state the obvious.

"Not the issue." And evidently, that was that.

She glared at me while we brushed our teeth. "Mom cleaned Em and Eddie's sheets after they left." Alice informed me upon wiping her mouth. "It's not like they still smell like him or anything." She gasped, eyes wide, and clapped one hand to her mouth. "Oh God," she swallowed thickly. "I think I just threw up a little bit. Now I need to brush again."

I rolled my eyes but said nothing.

Breakfast with Carlisle and Esme was awkward at best.

Alice referenced Edward an unprecedented forty-two times. I know, I was impressed too. She interspersed her skilled name dropping with some rather dramatic gagging. And, when Esme wasn't paying attention, some less than subtle hand gestures. My cheeks had moved far beyond pink. They were fast approaching magenta.

When she proceeded to choke on her oatmeal (quite loudly) for a record third time, I couldn't help myself. "You okay there, Alice?"

"Yes." Large gulp of orange juice. Deep breath. "Funny thing. I felt fine when I woke up, but after I got out of bed, I began to feel a bit queasy." Sweet smile.

And, frankly, there wasn't much I could say to that.

Edward called me Tuesday evening. I somehow managed to conceal my enthusiasm. But he'd clearly just arrived home, and, logistically speaking, there was simply no way he could have made too many phone calls prior to making mine.

I take small victories whenever I can.

I hadn't talked to him in days – not since Friday when, as it turned out, Alice was absolutely not the Cullen I wanted to be sleeping with. But it was almost as though everything was normal.

Normal if normal is, well... Yea, I'm at a loss there too. Normal as in before he went off to school? Normal as in when we were friends without complications (but, let's face it, there always were). Or, normal as in before there was ice cream and sex and innuendo and pseudo dates and... _deep breath Bella_.

But he called. And, with absolutely no preamble, said he'd pick me up tomorrow at seven.

"The diner?"

Pause.

"Nah. I don't feel like it. We'll go to Port Angeles. I'll get you at seven."

He hung up. And I called Alice.

I didn't know what to wear.

I settled on jeans and not a tank top.

Edward was at the door at seven sharp. Charlie beat me to it. I could hear them talking as I made my way down the stairs. I somehow managed not to trip.

He was not wearing jeans.

"Where are we going?" I couldn't help asking as soon as we were in the Volvo.

"That little Italian place in Port Angeles. Sound good?"

"Yea."

We drove in awkward silence. I pulled at a thread on the seat and counted the seconds it took him to notice. _2, 3, 4, 5..._ He slapped my hand away and inspected the stitching with far too much concern.

I smirked in childish satisfaction.

After stroking the seat for several seconds (and with a disconcerting amount of affection), he apparently determined the damage to be less than lethal. Edward returned his attention to the road.

I contemplated resuming my thread pulling activities but then thought better of it.

I sat on my hands to avoid temptation.

Silence.

Edward turned on his iPod. Skipped a song. Then another.

I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and narrowly avoided commenting on how good he smelled.

"How was your drive from Seattle?"

"Non-eventful."

"Where's Em tonight?"

"Out with Rose, I'm sure."

I snorted. My maturity astounds even me at times.

Edward rolled his eyes and placed a warm hand on my knee, thought better of it, and resumed his perfect ten and two driving position. I sighed and watched his perfect fingers curl around the steering wheel.

I did not pick at his perfect seats.

The entire scenario felt very much like a date. And while that should fall soundly into the category of exceptionally good news, I could only manage to feel rather flustered and anxious. _Edward Cullen, am I your girlfriend? _But the question remained half formed on the tip of my tongue. I bit my lip to keep the words from slipping out.

We'd barely managed to get out of the car in Port Angeles when an unfortunate squeal punctured the evening still.

"Oh my God, Edward!" Then, "Edward!" again a moment later, when he had paused, but did not turn, as if contemplating his chances of ignoring the salutation entirely.

I'd recognize that shriek anywhere. Jessica Stanley. Fuck me.

"Edward!"

He turned. Clearly, ignoring her wouldn't make it go away. I turned around too, deliberately moving as close to Edward as possible without actually touching him.

I barely contained my own squeal of enthusiasm when I felt his hand on my lower back. I inched closer.

"Oh, Bella," she cooed, sickly sweet. Saccharine and cyanide. "I didn't see you there."

_Funny, I've been here the entire time, right next to Edward_. But I didn't say that out loud. Instead, I tried to smile and managed to grimace instead. But I courageously put a hand on Edward's hip and did my best not to say anything terribly caustic.

"Edward," she continued, after another perfunctory (and rather distasteful) glance in my general direction. "It's _sooo_ good to see you. I didn't know you were home."

"Yes," he nodded, when it became clear that a response was expected. Although, I thought it was rather obvious that, yes, he was indeed home. I didn't share that insight with Stanley though.

"But when did you get back?" she demanded, as if she had a right to know and couldn't understand why she hadn't been kept apprised of the situation.

"Last night."

"Oh."

And, regardless of whatever Edward and I did or didn't have, I took satisfaction in the fact that I, at least, knew when he was in Forks.

Some victory, Bella. My inner pessimist felt the need to point out. In the battle for Edward's affections you've managed to beat out Jessica Stanley. Just lovely. But his hand was still resting on my back, and that had to count for something.

"So," she simpered, "who are you here with? Are you meeting someone?" Jessica looked around expectantly because surely Edward Adonis Cullen wouldn't be here alone with Bella, I trip when I walk, Swan.

I sputtered, then growled, then unsuccessfully tried to cover it with a cough. Edward patted my back helpfully.

"Nope. Just Bella and I tonight. Celebrating."

"I see," she stated, but clearly she didn't. And then she had the temerity to eye me up and down as if to ask why he was deigning to babysit the likes of me when there were so many better, Jessica-centric activities with which to occupy his time. "Well, you should totally sit with us. Lauren will be here any minute – of course you remember Lauren Mallory."

Curt nod. I rolled my eyes. Jessica ignored me.

"And Tyler and Eric and maybe Mike too." She actually addressed me then: "Bella, I'm sure he would _love _to see you."

I felt rather nauseous. Edward bristled. But apparently he'd had quite enough. "Actually, Bella and I have a reservation." He made a show of checking his watch. "Thank you for your hospitable offer Jessica, but we really must go in."

"Oh, all right. See you later."

I smiled. Okay, actually I smirked. And Edward escorted me through the door.

"Thanks for not making me sit with them," I whispered as soon as we were out of earshot.

"Don't be absurd Bella. I have no intention of wasting what little time I have at home with Jessica Stanley and her petty friends. Besides," he smiled that wicked smile that practically makes me melt into a puddle of goo. "I'd really rather be with you."

Before our drinks had even arrived, Jessica Stanley and party were seated directly behind us.

Edward must have noticed my scowl because he took my hand in his. "Relax. Ignore them."

Of course it wasn't that easy, but I took consolation in the fact that our close proximity would only serve to make Jessica jealous. After all, I would be if I were in her place and she were with Edward.

I ordered the manicotti and glared at the waitress when her gaze lingered far too long on Edward as he selected fettuccine alfredo. I nibbled on some bread. Edward folded and unfolded his napkin. His knee touched mine under the table. I took a sip of water, sloshed most of it down my chin, then tried again with a bit more success. Edward smirked. I blushed, but his knee remained a constant pressure against my thigh.

"This is nice," I managed once my mouth was bread free.

"Yea."

"I'm happy you're home." Certainly not the wittiest thing I could say, but it was the truth. And I didn't sputter or spit or embarrass myself too thoroughly when I said it. But my cheeks flamed hotter regardless, and I ducked my head, feigning particular interest in the tablecloth to hide the blush.

"I missed you too," he said softly, trailing a warm fingertip over my knuckles. I lifted my gaze to his face and was momentarily disarmed to see him watching me, gaze steady and intense. His green eyes sparkled. I felt a tight ball of heat form in my stomach, as tendrils of warmth curled through my chest and arms.

His presence literally filled every corner of the small restaurant, dominating every ounce of my awareness. As always, I was helpless against it. I wondered, not for the first time, if Edward realized how worthless I was around him.

I sat up straighter and tried not to blush so furiously.

Jessica wasn't even pretending to conceal her nosiness. She was watching us openly. Lauren, evidently fed up with being ignored, elbowed her rather soundly at one point. But Jessica simply shushed her and resumed her blatant voyeurism.

"What are you doing for Thanksgiving?" Edward asked once our food arrived.

I shrugged. "Same thing we always do." For as long as I could remember, Charlie and I had eaten our Thanksgiving meal at the Blacks with Billy and his son Jake.

Edward's expression darkened, his eyes narrowing almost imperceptibly. I just barely avoided smoothing the crease between his eyebrows. Finally: "eat with us instead." He said it with such surety as though it was the perfect solution to a rather vexing and unforeseen problem.

"I can't ditch Charlie on Thanksgiving."

He sighed loudly, pinching the bridge of his perfect nose with his perfect thumb and perfect forefinger.

"Besides, I have to bring the mashed potatoes and cranberry sauce."

Another deep sigh. For some reason this was really testing his patience. "He wants you."

"What? Who?" That statement was approximately eighth or ninth on the list of things I had absolutely not expected to be the next out of Edward's lovely mouth. This time I did spit out a mouthful of water. Edward rolled his eyes, but otherwise ignored my drinking problem.

"Jacob Black."

"What? Jake?" I repeated incredulously.

He stared at me as if I were a rather slow child. "Yes."

Oh.

On some detached level I knew this, but I'd never even thought twice about it. Jake was very much like a brother to me. I shuddered. Then again, at one point, Edward was rather like a brother to me too. But that was so long ago it's hardly worth mentioning.

Jessica had propped both elbows on the table to better facilitate her viewing. I took the time to glare before turning my attention back to Edward.

"Well, I don't want him." Surely he knew that.

"But he wants you."

I half shrugged, half nodded, suddenly feeling like perhaps he was the slow child. "I can't help it, you know," I explained, although I felt that was quite obvious. "And Charlie and Billy will be there. It's not like anything could possibly happen, even if he wanted it to." Again with the obvious.

"I don't trust him."

Okay... "But you trust me?" _Please say yes. Please say yes._

He nodded, but was evidently visualizing all the possible ways Jacob Black could defile me. "But I don't trust him."

My thoughts churned.

His jealousy was flattering and infuriating and confusing all at once. I didn't understand it, but suddenly the unfairness of the situation came crashing down. His jealousy, his possessiveness, while encouraging to some extent, only served to highlight everything he hadn't given me. I wanted, needed, affirmation, clarity, or at least some statement of intent.

_Edward Cullen, am I your girlfriend?_

That uncertainty sent a flood of anger rushing through me right to my fingertips, which curled into my palms. Four crescent shaped indentations. Understanding that I was quite possibly making a huge mistake, I took a deep breath, didn't spit any water, and hissed through clenched teeth: "You can't have it both ways Edward Cullen. And you have absolutely no right to be jealous!"

He frowned at that; a crease appeared between his brows, and his pink lips thinned.

I'd startled him.

Jessica Stanley was still staring, mouth open at that point. She must have overheard our exchange, but I couldn't care less. My anger was still simmering just below the surface, barely contained.

I succeeded in spilling my water as I pushed back from the table to stomp off to the restroom. Childish, I know. Somehow I refrained from sticking out my tongue.

My dramatic display was not nearly as satisfying as it should have been. I leaned over the basin and took a few steadying breaths. _Calm down Bella_. I probably said it out loud, but it hardly mattered. I was surprised to note that Stanley hadn't actually followed me into the toilet.

He's just jealous, Bella. I repeated that fact several times in my head. That should be a good thing. And this entire...experience definitely seems like a date. Consider the facts. He calls as soon as he gets home, picks you up, takes you to dinner, and would rather you not hang out with another boy who, admittedly, would probably like to see you naked. And what do you do? Dump water on him, yell, and storm off to hide in the bathroom. Real mature.

I glared at rational Bella in the mirror but had to admit that she had a point.

Then a truly horrifying possibility occurred to me. Stanley, at our table, in my seat, comforting my Edward.

I tried not to gag or scream or vomit. Then I splashed some water on my rather pink face, gathered what was left of my dignity, and left the bathroom.

Our table was satisfactorily free of Jessica Stanleys (as well as all evidence of spilled water).

Edward sat, plate pushed aside, elbows propped on the table, chin resting on interlaced fingers. His expression was calm and almost painstakingly blank. But his eyes flashed to mine when I sat down and held my gaze firmly.

I heard my name in a not so hushed whisper and turned to glare at Jessica. This time, she wisely looked away.

"I'm sorry," I blurted before I could say or do anything especially petulant or stupid.

His eyes widened momentarily, but he then smoothed his expression again almost immediately.

When he said nothing, I continued. "I understand your concerns, for the most part, but you have to trust me. Nothing is going to happen." I shuddered, and it was only partially feigned. "I only want you. You _have _to know that." I narrowed my eyes pointedly. Edward had the good grace to blush, if only minutely. "But I have to spend Thanksgiving with my dad."

After a few long moments, he nodded, though it clearly pained him to do so.

"But I did mean what I said," I clarified. "You can't have it both ways. If you really want me to be only yours, then I need to know that you are only mine."

There. I said it. In only a mildly roundabout way.

A hint of a smile pulled at his lips, his dark eyes brightening for the first time since we began to talk about my apparently controversial Thanksgiving plans.

"Is that what this is all about?"

_Jesus Eddie, for such a smart boy, you're incredibly dense sometimes. _ I kept my mouth shut but couldn't keep from rolling my eyes.

He took my hands in his. I ignored the flutter in my stomach and took a deep breath.

"Bella," he began slowly. "I had hoped that tonight would make my intentions obvious, but perhaps we need to talk about it."

Evidently so.

He turned my hand over in his, tracing the lines of my palm with his fingertip. It was suddenly nearly impossible to focus on what he was saying, but I had a feeling it was important, so I did my best.

"Bella, love, I don't have much experience with this sort of thing, but I'd like to try. When we're together, everything just feels right. Do you know what I mean?"

I tried to say 'yes' but I don't think I was successful. I might have managed a nod in affirmation.

After a moment, he continued: "but I can't stand the uncertainty, the fighting, and the not knowing. The distance thing is unfortunate, but we can deal with it. As long as we both trust each other and want this to work." Softer then: "I need to believe this can work."

I squeezed his hand as if to ground myself. "It can," I gasped.

I felt my pulse speed up a notch or two, slippery heartbeats thudding against my ribs. Edward was looking at me fixedly, all flushed beauty and flashing eyes. He was lovely and perfect and brilliant and...mine?

Finally, I was able to ask the question that had spent weeks on my lips: "Edward, am I your girlfriend?"

He smiled his lovely half-smile. "I'd like that very much, Bella Swan."

_Oh...my...God... _I needed a sip of water but thought better of it.

Then he leaned toward me, and my breath caught in my chest. Nothing existed but him. His hands framed my face, warm against my flushed cheeks, and his mouth pressed to mine. The kiss was quick and chaste, but soft and deliciously sweet. My head swum. It was everything, and it was perfect. And, after a moment that stretched and stretched, I was left gasping for air. He pushed a flyaway hair from my face, brushed my lip with his thumb, and smiled that crooked smile.

"Wow."

"Yes. Wow indeed."

He twirled a strand of fettuccine around his fork, spattering sauce on the table. I watched his mouth, his throat as he swallowed.

At one point, I licked him for no explicable reason. He stared at me, eyes wide, opened his mouth, then shut it again.

I gave him my best 'try using words' expression.

"So, how do I taste?"

_Divine_.

Instead, I made a show of washing out my mouth. I managed not to spill his glass or mine.

Jessica angled her chair to get a better look.

I hardly remember the rest of our meal. I'm not sure I ate another bite. All I could think about was Edward's perfect lip caught between straight, white teeth. His long fingers curled around mine. His green eyes soft behind dark lashes. And his calf pressed warm against my shin.

Jessica deliberately did not look up as we left, Edward's arm wrapped securely around my waist. She laughed loudly at something Mike Newton said and leaned closer to Eric Yorkie, who covered his surprise by placing a hand on the small of her back.

We drove back in near silence. I fiddled with his iPod, making a mental note to google a few mystery bands that had appeared since the last time I commandeered the music in the Volvo. Just in case they came up in conversation, of course. That way I could act like I'd been listening to them for ages.

But then we were parked on my driveway, and I had no idea what to do or say.

"Thanks for dinner," I mumbled, after a few moments of awkwardness.

"Yea, no problem."

"The manicotti was nice."

"Yea."

_Sheesh Bella, could you be any more lame? _But I was completely unprepared for this kind of small talk. After all, what does one say after a first real date?

But just when I was about to cut my losses and hightail it to the front door, he spoke up again. "I have an idea."

"Um, okay..."

"Eat with us too."

"Huh?"

"Tomorrow. Go to the Blacks'. I understand. You need to be with Charlie. What time to you eat?"

"Uh, around noon."

"Okay. Go with your dad. Enjoy your meal. I'll pick you up around four. That should give you plenty of time, right?"

"I think so."

"I'll ask Esme if she can serve dinner at six. You can do both."

I smiled and nodded. Complete sentences were evidently beyond my capabilities. "I'll, er, be exceptionally full," I finally stammered. "But that sounds wonderful."

"Excellent. I'm going to kiss you now." His lovely voice was thick, caramel and lust. But I didn't hear another word. His lips found mine. I felt awkward, uncomfortable, half twisted over the seat, but it was seductive and sexy and...new.

I was kissing my _boyfriend_. Edward Cullen was _my _boyfriend! My entire body was wire tight, taut with energy and excitement, wanting to feel more, feel deeper, feel more intensely. He moved a hand to the back of my neck, holding my head still as he opened his mouth against mine.

I gasped then moaned, threaded my fingers through his hair, and held on for dear life. He sucked my tongue into his mouth and slipped a hand down my side to rest on my hip, pulling me closer, tighter. "God Bella, I love this. I love you."

I moaned again, embarrassingly loud, and ran my fingers through his unruly hair once more before dropping my hand to his thigh. The fabric of his slacks was warm under my touch, and I trailed my fingertips up to cup the hard length of his cock.

"Oh," he looked at me, his expression raw. "Touch me." He bit down on his lip.

I did.

"Oh God..."

His breathed puffed warm across my neck, as I slip my fingers down his sternum, the heel of my other hand still firmly pressed against the bulge of his erection.

He rocked his hips, spreading his thighs slightly and kissed me again, gasping a moan into my mouth.

His arm tightened around my waist, as his fingers slipped under my shirt to fist the material there at the small of my back. I arched into him, still twisted awkwardly over the center console, but I couldn't think of anything other than the places our bodies touched. Our lips, the pads of my fingertips, the heel of my hand. The brush of his knuckles, the shift of his hips, the heat of his erection. Fiery points of connection, pulsing with electric energy, urgency, and need.

Another moan.

Apart from the sensations on my mouth, tongue, fingers, and hands, there was nothing. And I felt intoxicated yet again.

"Oh God..." He tensed and sucked in a harsh breath, lips still touching mine. "You have to stop," he breathed, grabbing my hand, fingers hot and curled around my wrist.

I leaned back slightly, both palms on his chest now. He smiled lazily, cheeks flushed, eyes dark and lidded. "Come home with me."

"Okay." Because, let's face it, nothing else mattered.

"Go inside," he murmured, mouthing another kiss against my shoulder. "Ask if you can stay with Alice tonight." _Kiss_. "I'll call her..." _Kiss. _"Tell her we're coming. Charlie can call my mother if he'd like." _Another kiss_. "Of course you'll be sleeping in Alice's room..."

Perhaps I wouldn't use quite as much sarcasm when I told Charlie.

He kissed me once more, mouth moving gently against mine, touching and tasting, ending with the slightest of nibbles to my bottom lip, as we pulled apart again.

I leaned forward, trying to catch my breath, and rested my forehead against his chest. He pressed a kiss to the top of my head and trailed his fingers down my spine.

"Oh fuck..." I heard, his mouth in my hair. "Charlie."

"Charlie?" I jerked my head up, cold terror spilling over me. I felt like I'd been doused in ice water. There he was. My father. Charlie Swan, Chief of Police, silhouetted in the light of the doorway. "how long's he been there?"

"I have no idea."

"Fuck me."

"Not tonight, love."

I smacked his shoulder, but he had a point. "I suppose I should go in now."

"That would probably be a good idea. Do you want me to come with you?"

Tempting, but Charlie would expect an explanation, and Edward wouldn't help matters. "Thank you, but no. Not tonight. Call me later?"

"Yea." He smiled that lovely smile and brushed a finger against the curve of my cheek. I took a deep breath, forced myself to get out of the car, and turned toward Charlie.

My father said nothing when I walked inside. I eyed the stairwell longingly and tried to sidestep around him, but he folded his arms across his chest and blocked my escape route.

"I, um... goodnight dad?" I asked hopefully.

"How long has this been going on, Isabella?"

_I have no idea what you're talking about._

_My whole life._

_Define 'this'._

I shrugged. He glared.

"Isabella," he repeated.

'Isabella' was never a good sign. And that was twice in as many minutes.

"It's, um, rather new."

"Define new."

I could literally see him calculating how many nights I'd spent at Edward's over the past few years.

_Don't go there dad, just don't. _

"Well, we've always been close, you know."

Cue horrified glare.

Okay. So that was the wrong thing to say. "I mean, we've, er, started talking since he's been away at school, and he's, um, kindofmyboyfriendnow." Eloquent as always Bella.

I chewed on my lip. Charlie opened his mouth as if to speak, then snapped his jaw shut again with an audible smack.

Finally: "You're not sleeping over there anymore."

I bit back my complaint. Now was _not _the time to go into that.

Then: "Does he love you?"

I couldn't help but smile at that. "Yea, dad. He does."

**a/n: There's one more chapter and an epilogue. It won't be long. A week or so at the most. I am utterly embarrassed at how long it's been since last update, but thank you for your patience. **

**I've posted my stories on livejournal as well (link on my profile), so if you prefer to read your fics over there, please stop by, be my friend, say hi. I'm avioleta as usual.**

**xo always.**


	21. Resolution

**Disclaimer: I don't own **_**Twilight**_** or the lovely characters. The words are mine. Rated M for strong language and explicit sexual content.**

**a/n: I intended to update much sooner (I did!), but then I got completely sidetracked with a little one-shot that I absolutely had to do. It's positively my favorite thing I've ever written. Please read (and don't be dissuaded by the pairing...really). Give it a shot; I hope you won't be disappointed.**

**And now, for the final chapter (sans epilogue). Thank you for your praise, your kind words, and always your patience. Enjoy. **

I spent Thursday morning peeling potatoes, straining cranberries, and absolutely avoiding telling Charlie about my new and improved Thanksgiving plans.

By eleven, when I was loading the food into the back of the cruiser, I still hadn't managed to mention it.

After a brief debate over whether or not my grumbling stomach constituted emergency enough to warrant flashing lights, we drove in relative silence (and sans police siren).

Just as we were turning off to La Push, however, I decided that I had to do something about the Edward situation. The fact that last night's Volvo make out session was assuredly at the forefront of my father's mind did nothing to bolster my confidence.

But I took a deep breath and went for it. "So, um, Edward's picking me up at four, so I can eat Thanksgiving with his family too."

"I'm sorry?"

Perhaps I'd spoken a bit quick for clarity.

I tried again. "Edward invited me to eat Thanksgiving dinner with his family this evening. Esme's not serving until six, so I can go."

"When did you decide this?"

"Last night." (After dinner, before the Volvo incident). But I decided not to remind Charlie of that particular detail.

"Esme invited you?"

"Yes."

"And Edward is going to pick you up here?"

"Yes." When he said nothing, I hurried to add additional justification. "You know you and Billy will just be watching football then. I won't miss anything."

"Jake will be upset it you leave early."

I shrugged, "doubtful." But Edward's comment rang in my ears (_He wants you..._) I ignored it, however, and continued on stalwartly. "He'd probably rather watch the game anyway."

"I wouldn't be so sure about that, Bells."

I rolled my eyes and completely ignored the implication of _that _statement_. _

He was silent for a while. Then: "when will you be home?"

I bit my lip and took a chance. "Actually, I figured I'd just spend the night like usual." _What the hell, right? It was worth a shot._

Charlie actually laughed at that. Not exactly the response I was looking for.

"I'll sleep in Alice's room, of course," I added hastily. (As if that would make any difference).

The look he gave told me exactly how much he didn't believe _that _for a minute.

We were parked in front of the Blacks' by then, but my dad made no move to get out of the car. Instead, we sat in awkward silence for something close to eternity. Charlie wasn't looking at me. Rather, he seemed incredibly interested in the windshield. His face was rather red, and his hands gripped the steering wheel far too tightly. That couldn't be good.

Finally: "Bells, I'm sure your mom has talked to you about this, but—"

_Oh...my...God... _He so wasn't going to go there...

"But," he continued after another painfully awkward moment. "You and Edward are obviously quite, er, close..."

Oh yes, he was. Fuck me.

When it became apparent that the seat wasn't going to swallow me whole, I began contemplating my escape routes. I discreetly unbuckled my seat belt and eyed the door handle longingly.

But then Charlie was talking again. It was all I could do not to stick my fingers in my ears and cry "_lalalalala..._" at the top of my lungs. But, if I was aiming for mature, that probably wasn't the best way to go about it.

"I realize that you two are..._close_," he repeated again, as if the rather innocuous description would somehow transform our relationship into something entirely PG. "But I need to know that you're being safe."

I couldn't decide between diving head first out of the cruiser or gagging rather violently. I settled for several deep, steadying breaths, as I tried to shake the nausea that rocked my system.

"Dad, please..." I started, as calmly as possible given the utterly mortifying circumstances I'd suddenly found myself in. "Mom and I had this discussion years ago. We're safe. Edward is a perfect gentleman. Everything is _fine_. Can we _please_ go inside now?"

_Please please please let this be the end of this conversation..._

No such luck.

"Bella, I know you're a smart, responsible girl. But, sometimes, boys will try to convince you to do things that you might not be comfortable with...things you might not usually do because—"

"Dad!" I practically screamed, but I really couldn't help it. "Edward loves me. I love him. He won't 'convince' me to do anything I don't want to do. We're safe. We're happy. _End _of discussion."

Charlie let out a long sigh. "Okay Bells. I get it. You're growing up. I trust you'll make good decisions."

My cheeks felt like they were on fire, but it evidently he was finally done talking.

"Yes." _Can this please be the last time we ever talk about this?_

My dad looked just as relieved as I was to get 'the talk' out of the way. He took another steadying breath, smiled weakly, and got out of the car.

Billy greeted us warmly, as he welcomed us into his home. Jake smiled shyly, but didn't move from his post in the corner. I unloaded the food from the car and made my way into the kitchen to begin setting out our luncheon. I added my mashed potatoes and cranberry sauce to the stuffing and dinner rolls already lining the buffet.

"The green bean casserole is warming in the oven," Billy called from the den. "Jake and I will bring in the turkey."

The turkey, as it happened, was quite a sight to behold. For some reason I will probably never understand, Billy and Jake had decided to fry the damn thing.

Jake laughed when I eyed the ginormous bird skeptically, as he carried the platter to the table. "You fried it?" I asked. "What on earth possessed you to do that?"

"The question, my dear Bella," he responded mischievously, "is why we've never thought to do so before."

I shrugged. "Touche Jake, touche."

The food was delicious (as usual). I was even forced to admit (rather quickly) that the fried turkey was quite fantastic. And the green bean casserole, it seemed, was predominantly composed of bacon, cheese, and bread crumbs. Not entirely a bad thing.

"Next year, I'm in charge of the vegetable," I announced, scooping another helping of bacon onto my plate. "This hardly qualifies."

"Nah," Jake said around a mouthful of mashed potatoes, "you'll just add tofu or some shit like that."

"No, but I might include an actual green bean or two."

We ate in comfortable silence for a while. I loved the casual nature of these meals. It was difficult not to feel right at home at the Blacks' table. I wasn't even embarrassed when I spilled lemonade down the front of my dress and somehow managed to smear cranberry sauce over the table and down my arm.

"So, Bella," my father began after setting his fork down and leaning back in his chair. "Billy was telling me that Jake made starting running back for La Push this year. And as a Junior too. Quite impressive," my father added fondly, patting Jake on the back.

Jacob beamed, but said nothing.

"Bet the girls are all over you," Charlie added then, with a pointed glance in my direction (much to my intense discomfit.)

"Nah. Not really." Jake blushed, a warm red staining his dark cheeks. "I've been busy, you know. With football and keeping up with my studies and all." He smiled at me then, a glint of something undefinable flashing in his dark eyes.

"Yea," I know how that goes," Charlie responded. "You kids are so busy these days. But you and Bella should get together more. I bet you'll find you have a lot in common."

"How's your school year going, Bella?" Billy asked, thankfully switching the focus away from Jake's athletic prowess and my father's ill-concealed match-making schemes.

The remainder of the meal passed uneventfully. But I couldn't help notice how Jake's eyes rarely left my face. I flushed under his gaze and did my best to avoid making eye contact, but I could feel the weight of his stare...a constant pressure tugging at my consciousness. It was unnerving and just a bit flattering; I couldn't help but realize how right Edward had been.

Jacob Black wanted me.

But I wanted Edward Cullen.

When Billy and my father excused themselves to the den for the football-watching portion of their afternoon, Jake and I hastily cleared the dishes and made our way out to his garage. Over the years, I'd spent endless hours hanging out with him there. Although usually cozy and warm, today the small space seemed cramped and claustrophobic. I sat down on the couch, taking care to scoot as far away from Jake's end as humanly possible.

I furtively checked my watch. 2:32. Edward would be there in an hour and a half. Jake fiddled with his iPod. I counted seconds. 2:33.

"Soda?"

"Huh? Oh, yea."

He smiled his lazy smile and tossed me a cold can from the mini-fridge. I popped the top, then licked my hand when the sweet orange liquid dribbled down my fingers. 2:34.

Jake sat down, sprawling long legs across two cushions, completely ignoring the space I'd tried to leave between my side and his. He took a long swig of his soda. I watched his throat as he swallowed and tried not to think about how awkward this suddenly was.

"Sorry about my dad," I said after a few long moments. "At lunch, you know. The whole matchmaking thing. That was a bit...uncomfortable."

Jake laughed. "No worries."

There was a long pause then; he was obviously working up the nerve to say something more, and the prospect made me rather nervous.

"He might be right," Jake said finally, his tone thoughtful. "I think we do have a lot in common."

I cringed, waiting for what was undoubtedly coming next.

I didn't have to wait long.

"And, well, if you'd like to hang out more, I'd love to go out sometime."

I picked purple polish off my fingernail and wondered if I could simply ignore the comment. Or maybe, at least, hold off on answering until Edward arrived.

It was 2:37. Jake watched me expectantly. _Fuck. _I had to say something.

"Oh, Jake, look... I'm really flattered. I am. And I do like you – as a friend. But I'm already seeing someone."

"Oh." His face fell, but he recovered quickly. "No big deal. No big deal..." His voice wavered slightly, though, belying his feigned nonchalance.

Cue awkward silence.

It was 2:39. T minus one hour, twenty-one minutes, and counting.

Then: "Do I know him? Does he go to Forks?"

"He did. He graduated last year. He's at UW now."

"Ah. Who is he?"

I held my breath. Jake would know who Edward Cullen was, and I _really _didn't want to get into a discussion about Edward's not so stellar past reputation. But Jake was my friend, and I could hardly not tell him.

"Edward Cullen."

Jacob cursed under his breath. I doubted that his reaction would be all sunshine and roses. Hell, I didn't really expect him to have anything good to say about Edward at all, but I was wholly unprepared for his sudden shift in demeanor. His fingers curled inward (two tight fists), and his jaw was tense.

"What'd he promise you, huh?" he demanded through gritted teeth. "Love? Sex? Everything, Bella? Your wildest dreams? Or nothing at all?" Words can bleed you know, and his voice dripped with acid and vitriol.

I was beyond furious at his implications, but rational Bella knew better that to pick a fight with Jacob Black. So I bit my lip and said nothing. He was a friend and a decent guy, but there was no reason to antagonize him unnecessarily. That would only exacerbate the situation, and I certainly didn't want that.

"Bells, look, you know I love you," he continued after a few moments. His voice was softer now, but still laced with fierceness. "We've been friends for, well, forever. And I don't want to see you get hurt. I know Edward Cullen. He can pretend to be anything you want him to be...say anything he needs to say. He's great at that sort of thing. Surely you've heard the rumors."

I eyed him pointedly but didn't let on that I probably knew more about Edward's conquests than he could ever imagine. When I didn't bother to respond, Jake continued, clearly hoping to convince me to give up on Edward altogether.

"Edward Cullen wants only one thing. I promise."

I somehow managed not to say anything too caustic, and Jake clasped my hands in his, staring rather intently. His palms were a bit sweaty, but I forced myself not to pull away.

"All he wants is another girl on his list, Bells. Another fuck before he heads back to Seattle or wherever he's in school. And believe me, he's got plenty of other girls lined up and willing to fuck him there too."

I was starting to feel rather nauseous. And I hated (hated) that Jake's assessment of Edward had been rather accurate a few months ago. But everything had shifted since then; everything was different now.

And, frankly, I was fairly sure it wasn't any of Jake's business. At the same time, however, I felt the overwhelming need to set the record straight. To defend Edward (_my _Edward) because things had changed and, this time, there were no _other_ girls. It was only me. And a very large and vocal part of me wanted everyone to know.

"Look, Jake," I turned to face him, my hands still loosely enfolded in his. "I understand your concern, and I am so lucky to have a friend like you." His expression faltered momentarily, and I knew then for certain that Edward had been right. Jake really did want me and not as just a friend.

But that was neither here nor there. I had nothing left to do but tell the truth, so I forced myself to look him in the eye and continued slowly. "But Edward and I...well, its more substantial than that."

I didn't elaborate. But I wanted, needed Jake to understand that there was more to our relationship than all the lurid, illicit, and questionable things he'd alluded to just moments ago.

He tensed beside me, and I could literally see the coils of his muscles ripple under the thin material of his shirt.

"You've already done it, haven't you?" His voice was cold, ice water slipping down my spine.

I sat up straight, pulling away from him.

"You had sex with him." He spat the words, his tone alarmingly harsh. "I can't fucking believe it. You let that bastard fuck you." And, for the first time I could remember, he I felt uncomfortable next to him.

"Jacob—" I said softly.

But he cut me off abruptly. "What did he tell you Bella? That he only wanted you? That he could see himself _loving _you?" His words dripped with derision, and his eyes, usually so warm, were cold like lead, reflecting a brooding resentment that was instantly disturbing.

"Jake," I managed after a few deep breaths. My chest ached, and tears pricked at my eyes. "It's hardly any of your business, but you're incredibly off base..."

"Do you remember Leah Clearwater?" he interrupted again.

"Yes."

"She'd been dating Sam Uley for over a year. They were happy together. He loved her." He paused, remembering.

I said nothing. I waited for whatever was coming next.

"And then she met Edward fucking Cullen at some stupid party her sophomore year." Jake shook his head, eyes flashing. "I admit it – he's good. Told her everything she needed to hear. Sam would be leaving soon...he was a senior, you know. And he somehow convinced Leah that Sam would never stay with her once he was off at college. But Cullen, well, he said _he'd_ always wanted her. Had since the first time he saw her." Jake's voice was hollow as he repeated Edward's lines. But I'd heard them all before. "Leah's beautiful of course. But he knew all the right things to say. And, after a few drinks, Leah was convinced that he was serious. That he really wanted more than just a fuck."

He looked at me then, dark eyes focused on my own. "Frankly, I don't get it. He's such a goddamn pretty boy. But the girls fall all over that. And then Leah stormed into the back yard where Sam was hanging out with Embry and Quil. God that girl can yell. But here she was, all convinced that Sam was planning to break up with her as soon as he graduated. And Edward fucking Cullen was waiting to take her home. I think he called her once after that. Took her out to dinner. Fucked her again. And that was it. She never heard from him again."

I chewed on my lip, took a sip of now warm soda, and tried to think of something appropriate to say. Edward hadn't told me specifically about his experience(s) with Leah Clearwater. But I had heard about her rather spectacular breakup with Sam Uley. From what I understood, however, there was a bit more truth than rumor to his plans to dump her before he went off to college. But I decided not to share that particular information with Jake.

"He's no good, Bells," Jake said after a long while. His voice was soft again. Sad. "I don't want to see you hurt."

I took another very deep breath to keep from screaming (rather immature, I know), or to keep from smacking him (probably not the best way to go about things). Finally I spoke, as calmly and (hopefully) as reasonably as possible. "Look, Jake, I appreciate your concern. I really do. But Edward and I have been together now for a while, and we've been friends for practically forever. I promise, this is much much more than just some casual one off."

He grimaced, then scowled, but said nothing. His positively mutinous expression marred his typically warm and quite lovely face.

"I know you don't like him."

Jacob laughed darkly.

"But he means everything to me. And I'm not just one of his girls. I'm his_ only_ girl." I emphasized the word, hoping the truth would sink in, that I could somehow make it crystal clear.

He snorted then. I patted his back helpfully, if with a bit too much force.

"And," I continued when it was clear he had nothing more to add, "I am absolutely his girlfriend now. Shut your mouth, sweetie," I chided, hoping to lighten the tone.

Jake scowled. Clearly, he had about a dozen choice things to say to me, but he wisely reconsidered. Finally, he nodded and moved closer to me, wrapping a warm arm around my shoulder. I tensed. Then relaxed again.

We sat in contemplative silence for a long time after that. There was nothing more to say. I couldn't convince Jake to like Edward. Hell, I couldn't even convince him that he'd changed. But it didn't matter; our friendship would survive. I hoped.

Charlie and Billy were evidently still absorbed in their football game. I check my watch. 3:34. Less than half an hour.

"I'd be better for you, you know," Jake murmured, interrupting our calm. I barely managed to bite back a laugh.

"I can promise to love you and only you, Bella. And when he's away, you'll never need to worry about whoever else he might be fucking."

I slapped him hard then. My hand stung something fierce. But I didn't even wince; I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction. "You just don't get it, do you?" I asked, exasperation and anger leaking into my voice. "I love him. He loves me. Neither one of us has any intention of fucking anyone. Period."

He rolled his eyes but wisely said nothing. We stared out the window for quite sometime after that. The sky was exceptionally clear – odd for November, and the silence was welcome. I looked at my watch and counted the minutes till Edward.

I felt him before I saw him. The white warm crackle of his typically soothing energy had a distinct edge to it now. Jacob tensed beside me and shifted, almost imperceptibly, closer, casually (deliberately, suggestively) sliding his arm down to my waist. I started at the unexpected contact, but his arm held me fast.

I watched as Edward's eyes, shadowed and unreadable, searched my face. My first instinct was to jump up and throw myself into his (hopefully) waiting arms. But I feared Jake's reaction, and I really didn't want some alpha male display of machismo to ruin the rest of my day.

I smiled a tentative smile and willed with all my might that Edward would know that nothing was as it seemed.

"Bella—" his voice was cool. He didn't acknowledge Jake at all. "Ready to go?"

I nodded and moved to get up, but Jake's arm tightened, fingers digging almost painfully into my hip.

"I don't think she is, Cullen. Actually, you just interrupted a rather intriguing conversation. And," he continued, his voice deliberately casual, lolling, "quite honestly, I'm not really sure why you're here." His words sounded of loathing, and his face twisted into a true sneer.

"Jake, I—"

But he cut me off. "Bella's practically family. I find it incredibly rude that you think it's appropriate to interrupt our Thanksgiving."

"Bella, love," Edward repeated, somehow ignoring Jacob's inflammatory remarks.

"Yea Edward, I'm definitely ready to go." I stood up, breaking free from Jake's grasp, and I crossed the room in three quick strides. For once, I didn't even come close to tripping. But Edward put a steadying hand on my hip, and pulled me behind him, angling his body in front of mine protectively. I leaned into his touch.

Jacob tensed, his entire body was coiled like a spring, wire taut. His posture was rather threatening. I inched closer to Edward.

"You don't have to go, Bells," Jake said softly. And I knew that he was referring to far more than than that one evening.

Edward tightened his grip on my waist but said nothing. His face remained calm, composed, but he could not hide the anger in his lovely eyes, and I knew he was uncomfortable.

"Yea Jake. I do." I smiled, but something indefinable had shifted in our relationship. There was no going back. A line had been drawn; a choice had been made (though, really, there was no choice at all).

We turned to go and were nearly through the door when Jake called out. "He's no good for you, Bells. I could—"

I stopped abruptly and glared back at him. "Yes Jake, he is." We stared at each other for just a moment. Edward stood behind me, tension rolling off his body in waves. A mix of emotions flashed across Jake's face, and, for a second, I thought he was going to step toward me again. But he didn't. And we left.

Within minutes we were in the Volvo and heading back to Forks. Edward was driving much to fast, as always. He fumed silently, perfect fingers curled far too tightly around the steering wheel. His expression was brutally angry.

"Edward, are you okay?" I asked tentatively, once I worked up the nerve.

"No." He replied abruptly. I watched his face. His jaw was tight, and his green eyes blazed as he looked intently at the road ahead.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, trying to keep the fear out of my voice. But I was suddenly terrified by the fragility of our relationship. Surely I couldn't lose him when I'd only just gotten him in the first place.

But then his expression softened instantly, and he put a hand on my knee. "Don't be. I shouldn't be angry. Everything will be fine."

I exhaled the breath I hadn't realized I been holding.

"But I will never like Jacob Black. And I don't want you going over there any more."

I nodded in agreement. I could live with that.

We drove the rest of the way in silence. There were issues, of course. Endless issues to work through, but I was still his (and he was still mine). And that's all that really mattered. Edward stared steadily ahead, absorbed in his own thoughts. But he left his hand on my knee.

And as we got closer and closer to the Cullens,' my argument with Jake drifted further and further away until it had almost disappeared. It was only a shadow with no substance. The was nothing but Edward, and his very presence filled the small space of the car so completely. It was heavy, intoxicating, and electric.

When we got to his house, Edward took me by the hand and practically dragged me inside and up the stairs.

"Ed—" I gasped, as I took the stairs two at a time to keep up with his long strides. "Your parents, Emmett and Allie, shouldn't we say hello...let them know we're here?"

"Esme's in the kitchen," he said quickly. "Carlisle won't be home from the hospital for another hour. And Alice and Em...well, who cares where Alice and Em are."

He pulled me into his room and turned, bearing me backward, until my back was pressed flat to the now closed door. I was acutely aware of a growing restlessness... a need that was somehow more intense than ever before. I felt disconnected from everything but Edward.

His green eyes, all wild energy and want, held mine. His hands cupped my face. His breath fanned warm across my skin. And it was familiar and perfect and exactly right. But it was unique and new and startling all at once.

And nothing else, in that moment, mattered. Not Esme in the kitchen (probably quite aware of exactly what her lovely son was doing). Not Alice in her room down the hall...or outside the door listening for all I knew. My world was succinct, collapsed onto a single point: Edward's breath on my face, his hands on my skin, his body touching mine.

It was strange, mesmerizing, hypnotic, how I could become so incredibly detached from the rest of my world, my life, my...everything until it was only Edward and madness and obsession and completeness and _love_.

But hadn't it always been that way, really?

It twitched in my limbs, it jerked in my spine, and it thrilled in my body. It made my breath catch and my heart thud violently. I struggled to think, to breathe, to do anything but feel.

Edward's hands slid up my sides, fiery points of contact. The door was cool and hard against my back, and I leaned my head back against it. I'm quite certain I moaned. Loudly.

He dropped to his knees, fingers burning delicious trails of sensation up along my calves, behind my knees. _Oh God...more_. Closer and closer. Sensitive skin shivery under his touch.

I pressed a hand to my mouth, biting down hard on my palm to keep from crying out, as skin-warmed hands skirted the inside of my thighs, pushing my dress up and around my hips, only to pull away again.

I groaned (too loud again) and glared at him.

He smirked.

My entire life was compressed into this slender, sweaty boy, with his wicked smile and emerald eyes.

We hadn't said anything since we'd locked ourselves in his room. I'm not counting, of course, the moans that had escaped entirely without my permission. But I watched him intently, waiting. His tongue flicked out to wet his lip, red and bitten.

He touched me again. Fingers grazing my hip, _just so,_ before running along the top of my underpants.

I'd consulted Alice on that decision. And in between an impressive number of eye rolls and shudders and not entirely feigned gags, she'd helped me select an appropriately sexy pair (even if they did have green polka dots). And once again, I had to accept that Alice was the good friend in our relationship. But I so wasn't thinking of Alice right now because Edward's hands were at my hips, pulling said underpants down and off.

He smiled a truly sexy, impish smile, and my breath came quick and sharp. I could feel my heart pounding in my ears, as Edward stood and pressed against me, hip to stomach, thigh pushed between my thighs. I parted my legs and wriggled closer, feeling his erection through two layers of fabric. His hands moved between us as he undid his belt, quickly sliding worn leather through buckle and loop. He undid the zip, then pushed gray slacks and boxers down just past his hips.

He kissed me. Or I kissed him. And he swallowed my gasp as his tongue traced my lips. When he pulled away, his eyes were dilated, cheeks flushed pretty pink with arousal. "Fuck, Bella..." he murmured, breath far too sweet and far too close.

"I know. Please..."

He was gone for an instant, to the bedside table and back, a small, foil packet in the palm of his hand. I trailed one finger down his cock, hard and thick and leaking at the tip, and watched as he rolled the condom on.

Then, in one fluid movement, he hitched my leg up over his hip and slid inside me with a groan. The angle was awkward at first, but he patted the inside of my thigh, coaxing my legs wider. And his hands were on my hips, lifting me up, holding me close.

My back rubbed roughly against the door, but I didn't care. My head swum with the noises Edward was making, and it was chaotic and maddening and never enough. His breath caught and his hips hitched upward again, arching faster and deeper as fingers dug into my hipbones, and he pushed into me again.

I gasped and couldn't look away, as he pulled back then did it again. Edward squeezed his eyes shut, bit his lip in concentration, tried not to come. I wanted to remember everything. The feel of hard planes of muscle under the thin fabric of his shirt. His cheek, sweat-damp skin, pressed to mine. The words, that tumbled off his lips. _"Oh God, Bella...so good...right there..._"

And then his green eyes snapped open so wide, as he shuddered and came with a cry.

It was quick and needy and just a bit dirty, but it was everything I wanted. A few sweaty minutes that left me breathless and wet and even more enamored with this perfect, perfect boy.

We re-dressed quickly. Honestly, there wasn't too much out of place. I straightened my dress as he tucked in his shirt, buckled his belt. His hopeless, lovely hair was in even more disarray than usual. And he took a deep breath, palms pressed to the door, framing my face.

"Wow," I breathed.

"Indeed." He smiled a soft, half-smile. "But I think we're just about out of time."

I went into the bathroom, as Edward made his way downstairs to see about dinner. My face was flushed, my lips were freshly bitten, and my hair... Well, my hair looked like I'd just been thoroughly fucked against a wall. I ran my fingers through it, but it was no use. I settled for tying it up. Alice would notice, but there wasn't much I could do about that.

Edward was waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs. He kissed my cheek and took my hand. "C'mon, dinner's nearly ready."

And I followed him into the dining room without another word.

Thanksgiving with the Cullens was quite a different experience than the Swan/Black affair. The table was set with silver and crystal and china, and the white linen tablecloth actually intimidated me quite a bit.

I was secretly thankful that I'd already eaten because I quickly calculated that the odds of my making an embarrassing mess were directly proportional to the amount of food I tried to eat. Edward squeezed my hand and sat down beside me.

Alice rolled her eyes, but abstained from any inappropriate comments.

The Cullens were all dressed impeccably. Even Edward, post door sex, somehow managed to look like he just stepped out of a goddamn Brooks Brothers catalog.

Thank God I'd worn a dress.

Esme had someone there to serve the food, but that wasn't entirely unusual for the Cullen household. Still, I felt a bit like Julia Roberts in _Pretty Woman_, minus...or perhaps in addition to the whole hooker thing, considering my pre-dinner activities.

Esme and Carlisle made polite conversation. Emmett ate as much as he could, as fast as he could, while impressively managing not to smack or spill anything.

Alice kicked me under the table six times, stuck her tongue out at Edward, and, when Esme wasn't looking, made an insanely obscene gesture with a dinner roll, a butter knife, and a spoonful of gravy.

Edward held my hand under the table.

At the end of the meal, however, he deliberately (and very overtly) placed our joined hands on the tabletop, in plain view of all dining Cullens.

"You two finally out of the closet?" Em smirked. I blushed.

"Well, I think that's quite lovely dear," Esme offered. "It's certainly been long enough. And you two do look stunning together."

Carlisle nodded his agreement and placed his hand on his wife's back.

Alice rolled her eyes (dramatic as always) and spooned a rather impressive amount of sweet potatoes into her mouth, ballooning her cheeks like some sort of deranged chipmunk.

"Alice, honey!" Esme scolded. "Manners!" She swallowed in one large gulp.

After dinner, Edward took me straight back to his room.

"Leave the door open, honey," Esme called after us.

Edward shut the door firmly behind us.

I eyed him pointedly. He shrugged. "But your mother—"

"Believe me. _No _one actually wants the door open."

I blushed. He smirked. My stomach did a freaking back-flip.

But when he led me to the worn leather couch, I couldn't help but smile because this was where it all began those few months ago. Tonight, however, it appeared that I wouldn't need any ice cream to get the boy. Which, all things considered, was probably a very good things. I doubted I could eat a bite of Caramel Sutra if I tried. Two Thanksgiving meals will do that to you.

And, while our earlier rather illicit experience with the door had been rather desperate – heated and urgent and brief, this was patient. This was slow. This was soft.

When we were undressed, Edward leaned me back against the cushions and knelt over me, staring down. He fisted his cock loosely, stroking slowly, watching me watching him. And I was mesmerized by the motion of his hand. He was hard, _so hard_. And he looked at me like I was the most beautiful thing in the world, but I was quite certain he was.

I parted my legs as he settled between them. His breath caught, as his erection slid against my hip, my stomach, trapped between our bodies. And Edward, propped on his hands above me, circled his hips once, then again. I twined my legs around him, pulling him closer still, and he wrapped his arms around me, pressing his mouth to mine.

When he finally slid inside me, face to face, our chests pressed warmly together, the electric intensity was enough to force the air from my lungs. Edward moved slowly, so slowly, prolonging the moment, stretching it out indefinitely, until I had to bite my lip to keep from crying out.

Nothing seemed real. Everything was hot and out of focus. But Edward's hands were on the sides of my face, forcing me to look, and his green eyes were open, as he thrust into me again and again.

It couldn't last forever, of course. The pleasure was finally too much, white heat unfurling in my belly, tingling down my spine, and pooling between my legs where we were joined. And Edward was trembling above me ("_Oh fuck...Oh fuck..._") while I arched my back and breathed his name, and came apart.

And the he was coming too, shaking, eyes wide with sudden bliss, before finding my mouth with his own.

He collapsed on top of me, and I welcomed the warm weight. Then we held each other close waiting for our breathing to slow.

Afterward, he led me to his bed and lay down beside me. Our bodies curled perfectly together, hips touching hips, chest touching back, skin touching skin. And I realized then that it didn't matter if he had to drive me home in a few short hours – if I never managed to convince Charlie to let me stay the night. Because, regardless of everything, I was his (and he was mine), and I'd be back. Again and again.

**a/n: Reviews for Edward and for love. Thank you for putting up with these two for so long. There will be an epilogue, but the story is, for the most part, finally complete. **

**Read my short story, "Stay", if you'd like to know what I was up to when I wasn't envisioning that final sex scene or updating nearly quickly enough. Again, thanks for your patience. I've got another story planned out; I look forward to finding out where it takes me. **

**xo always, Violet**


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